6 ms·

That's because you probably are not used to having attention placed on you, so all attention is "wanted." If you are a male, you almost never have had to deal w

That's because you probably are not used to having attention placed on you, so all attention is "wanted." If you are a male, you almost never have had to deal with unwanted, persistent, obsessive attention, and so you are unaware of early cues that can indicate the person you're speaking with is a creep. Things like, "this person extensively investigates my background before having met me," "this person obsesses over me," etc.

rmc 14y ago
A lot of heterosexual men can experience this by going to gay bars. You'll see what its like to have people start at you and try to chat you up.
- muyuu 14y ago
  If you go to a gay bar it's expected. If I went to a gay bar for some reason and got chatted up, I'd just make it clear I'm not gay. Problem solved.
  - te_chris 14y ago
    I'm not sure if you're missing the point willfully or accidentally, but you are either way. No one should have to expect to be sleazed onto if they're at a bar.
  - jessedhillon 14y ago
    Instead of shooting out a reaction formed entirely from your intellect, while sitting at a keyboard: go do it first, then come back and tell us if you think the problem was solved by a simple "no thanks." The gay bar scenario is telling -- males can be very aggressive, and simultaneously, willfully oblivious to "back off" signals. Your polite request for privacy and unwelcoming body language might protect you from, say, 90% of approachers. The remainder can be very overt and dominating in their attempts. So yeah, if you're so confident that you've solved the problems of every attractive woman, everywhere: try it out.
    - muyuu 14y ago
      Obviously problems happen. Personally I don't care to be approached, generally, and I think it's better than being afraid of everybody. I've been approached by gay men and didn't suffer any trauma. I don't mean there cannot be psychos out there, but if you assume anyone who checks you out or looks you up in the net to be a stalker, I think that's completely over the top and that kind of paranoid attitude will cause more harm than good.
      - jessedhillon 14y ago
        Have you done what you suggested would be a quick way to solve the stated problem? If not, then we're still dealing with your rectally-sourced speculation. Additionally, what you're offering is like me -- suppose I live in a nice house in the hills -- going down to the ghetto and asking why people bother locking their doors at night and putting bars on their windows. I don't do any of those things and I don't have a problem with home-invasion roberries -- why are all these people so paranoid and afraid!? Put another way: you would have no clue if, say, you were riding a bus full of predators, because you are not prey -- a woman more likely would. I could type an entire essay here explaining how and why women have different motivations and risk profiles than you, but I doubt you would respond with anything more thoughtful than "obviously, problems happen." Instead of speculating as to why you might be so obtuse here -- I would guess it's because you are resentful of the seemingly inconsistent and inexplicable behavior of women -- let me just offer this: stop fixating on how things should be and start understanding things as they are now. This is really no different than entrepreneurs bitching about how risk-adverse investors are, and how they won't respond to 99% of cold calls, even if only to politely decline. Or how investors vastly prefer known founders, even when they have been previously burnt by them, rather than taking risks on unknown quantities. But at the end of the day, investors have the money and women have the vaginas, so they make the rules and they don't have to be fair, scrutable, rational or consistent -- they only have to be advantageous.
        muyuu 14y ago
        I'm talking about a very particular case and you are pestering me with sweeping generalisations. Each one should make his or her own risk assessment. I was talking about dismissing people from your environment who look up your public information as stalkers.
  - rmc 14y ago
    Now imagine 90%+ of bars was a gay bar and saying "I'm straight" won't work. This is similar to what women will face. Apples and Oranges. After all if a woman says the same ("I'm a lesbian"), often that'll encourage some idiots. And sometimes there are loads of "straight" men in gay bars. Why do you think many lonely heart / hook up ads some gay men will say that they cannot accommodate (the sexytimes in their house)? They don't want the wife or girlfriend to see. :P
waterlesscloud 14y ago
I maintain a website for some short films, and as part of that I look at the access logs for the search keywords that bring people to the site. Female actors often have a lot of searches coming from their original hometowns. Sometimes the same ip address over a period of months. I guess that might be mom back home, but I tend to think of it as a little more stalkery. Male actors can have the same thing, but it happens much less often. Which is another argument against it being mom back home.

rmc 14y ago

A lot of heterosexual men can experience this by going to gay bars. You'll see what its like to have people start at you and try to chat you up.

muyuu 14y ago
If you go to a gay bar it's expected. If I went to a gay bar for some reason and got chatted up, I'd just make it clear I'm not gay. Problem solved.
- te_chris 14y ago
  I'm not sure if you're missing the point willfully or accidentally, but you are either way. No one should have to expect to be sleazed onto if they're at a bar.
- jessedhillon 14y ago
  Instead of shooting out a reaction formed entirely from your intellect, while sitting at a keyboard: go do it first, then come back and tell us if you think the problem was solved by a simple "no thanks." The gay bar scenario is telling -- males can be very aggressive, and simultaneously, willfully oblivious to "back off" signals. Your polite request for privacy and unwelcoming body language might protect you from, say, 90% of approachers. The remainder can be very overt and dominating in their attempts. So yeah, if you're so confident that you've solved the problems of every attractive woman, everywhere: try it out.
  - muyuu 14y ago
    Obviously problems happen. Personally I don't care to be approached, generally, and I think it's better than being afraid of everybody. I've been approached by gay men and didn't suffer any trauma. I don't mean there cannot be psychos out there, but if you assume anyone who checks you out or looks you up in the net to be a stalker, I think that's completely over the top and that kind of paranoid attitude will cause more harm than good.
    - jessedhillon 14y ago
      Have you done what you suggested would be a quick way to solve the stated problem? If not, then we're still dealing with your rectally-sourced speculation. Additionally, what you're offering is like me -- suppose I live in a nice house in the hills -- going down to the ghetto and asking why people bother locking their doors at night and putting bars on their windows. I don't do any of those things and I don't have a problem with home-invasion roberries -- why are all these people so paranoid and afraid!? Put another way: you would have no clue if, say, you were riding a bus full of predators, because you are not prey -- a woman more likely would. I could type an entire essay here explaining how and why women have different motivations and risk profiles than you, but I doubt you would respond with anything more thoughtful than "obviously, problems happen." Instead of speculating as to why you might be so obtuse here -- I would guess it's because you are resentful of the seemingly inconsistent and inexplicable behavior of women -- let me just offer this: stop fixating on how things should be and start understanding things as they are now. This is really no different than entrepreneurs bitching about how risk-adverse investors are, and how they won't respond to 99% of cold calls, even if only to politely decline. Or how investors vastly prefer known founders, even when they have been previously burnt by them, rather than taking risks on unknown quantities. But at the end of the day, investors have the money and women have the vaginas, so they make the rules and they don't have to be fair, scrutable, rational or consistent -- they only have to be advantageous.
      - muyuu 14y ago
        I'm talking about a very particular case and you are pestering me with sweeping generalisations. Each one should make his or her own risk assessment. I was talking about dismissing people from your environment who look up your public information as stalkers.
- rmc 14y ago
  Now imagine 90%+ of bars was a gay bar and saying "I'm straight" won't work. This is similar to what women will face. Apples and Oranges. After all if a woman says the same ("I'm a lesbian"), often that'll encourage some idiots. And sometimes there are loads of "straight" men in gay bars. Why do you think many lonely heart / hook up ads some gay men will say that they cannot accommodate (the sexytimes in their house)? They don't want the wife or girlfriend to see. :P

waterlesscloud 14y ago

I maintain a website for some short films, and as part of that I look at the access logs for the search keywords that bring people to the site. Female actors often have a lot of searches coming from their original hometowns. Sometimes the same ip address over a period of months. I guess that might be mom back home, but I tend to think of it as a little more stalkery. Male actors can have the same thing, but it happens much less often. Which is another argument against it being mom back home.