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> after about the fourth interaction, something about me registers as "off" to other people and they start to distance themselves from me. I have never understo

> after about the fourth interaction, something about me registers as "off" to other people and they start to distance themselves from me. I have never understood why I’m not sure it would be helpful, but have you tried asking anyone?

eszed 1y ago
Speaking strictly for myself, it's because I did eye contact wrong. As a teenager, with standard-issue high-function ASD eye-contact aversion: fake it, by looking only at the bridges of people's noses. After learning, from doing theatre, that vulnerability is amazing, actually, and eye-contact is powerful: try for it, by looking fixidly at one of their eyes. After being told by a kind friend, in my early twenties, that I had a "staring problem": shift focus between both of their eyes. Soon after: figure out that you're supposed to look away from their eyes sometimes. Since: try to pick up and match their gaze-rhythm. I still have difficulty doing this with some people: there are folks who don't seem to have a rhythm. I don't get them! My wife told me a few weeks ago that when we first got together (over a decade ago) that the times I forgot to mask - during sex, specifically - sufficiently weirded her out that it's why she broke up with me (for about twenty minutes, lol; she reconsidered on her own). Now, bless her, she says she likes it when I "stare", because she says she knows it means I'm comfortable with her and feeling relaxed. I've got other peculiarities - and some I haven't noticed yet, I'm sure! - but that's a big one, and how I've dealt with it. I hope that helps someone.
- trogdor 1y ago
  That’s really interesting. Thanks for explaining.
moribunda 1y ago
I second this suggestion. This might sound obvious but during my therapy my psychologist asked me to do this, but in a non-personal/non-threatening way for the relation. Just by telling them that I'm working through my issues and I'd like to get an honest (best would be written/no-interaction type) feedback - what makes them uncomfortable etc. This helped me a lot - to see how different the transmission was on the receiving end from my intentions.
- smeej 1y ago
  The annoying thing is that nobody I've asked can pinpoint what it is.

eszed 1y ago

Speaking strictly for myself, it's because I did eye contact wrong. As a teenager, with standard-issue high-function ASD eye-contact aversion: fake it, by looking only at the bridges of people's noses. After learning, from doing theatre, that vulnerability is amazing, actually, and eye-contact is powerful: try for it, by looking fixidly at one of their eyes. After being told by a kind friend, in my early twenties, that I had a "staring problem": shift focus between both of their eyes. Soon after: figure out that you're supposed to look away from their eyes sometimes. Since: try to pick up and match their gaze-rhythm. I still have difficulty doing this with some people: there are folks who don't seem to have a rhythm. I don't get them! My wife told me a few weeks ago that when we first got together (over a decade ago) that the times I forgot to mask - during sex, specifically - sufficiently weirded her out that it's why she broke up with me (for about twenty minutes, lol; she reconsidered on her own). Now, bless her, she says she likes it when I "stare", because she says she knows it means I'm comfortable with her and feeling relaxed. I've got other peculiarities - and some I haven't noticed yet, I'm sure! - but that's a big one, and how I've dealt with it. I hope that helps someone.

trogdor 1y ago
That’s really interesting. Thanks for explaining.

moribunda 1y ago

I second this suggestion. This might sound obvious but during my therapy my psychologist asked me to do this, but in a non-personal/non-threatening way for the relation. Just by telling them that I'm working through my issues and I'd like to get an honest (best would be written/no-interaction type) feedback - what makes them uncomfortable etc. This helped me a lot - to see how different the transmission was on the receiving end from my intentions.

smeej 1y ago
The annoying thing is that nobody I've asked can pinpoint what it is.