Additionally, how do you convey to an employer without sounding like an asshole "Please, I need to be hired AND get paid at least 700$ before the end of this mo

Additionally, how do you convey to an employer without sounding like an asshole "Please, I need to be hired AND get paid at least 700$ before the end of this month" You don't. Borrow the money from a friend or family, sell your TV (or other things you don't necessarily need right now). Talk to your land-lord about it, and try to get an extension temporarily. There are lots of things you can do.