6 ms·

Be Nice to Those Who Serve You

95 points by skrish 14y ago

casca 14y ago
Is this not basic humanity? How about just "Be Nice"?
- macavity23 14y ago
  Sure, but it's easy to be nice to those 'above' you, or those you want something from. It's being nice to those 'below' you that is the true test of character.
  - driverdan 14y ago
    Being nice to everyone is easy, I don't see how it's a test of character. Being nice is the default. Being a jerk is optional.
    - g8oz 14y ago
      For many people the emotional ego payoff from humiliating those below them is a big temptation. And nice isn't the default everywhere, you are dearly in need of more data points.
    - MaysonL 14y ago
      Yes, although being nice to those who annoy you can be difficult. Especially while they're annoying you, and when you realize that the fact that they're annoying you is your problem, and that they can't help it.
- slantyyz 14y ago
  I prefer Dalton's quote from the movie Road House: "I want you to be nice, until it's time to not be nice." Of course, "time to not be nice" is subject to interpretation, but I'm of the view that it should be a rare occurrence.
Flow 14y ago
Glad to see that he had integrity to cancel the deal. Most germans I've met are very nice persons. Also, I couldn't help to think of this video while reading most of his posting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOBspAm5aR8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOBspAm5aR8
dfxm12 14y ago
It is the way one treats his inferiors more than the way he treats his equals which reveals one’s real character. —Rev. Charles Bayard Miliken, Methodist Episcopal, Chicago.
- jarek 14y ago
  I'd have thought such a basic statement of group dynamics would have been made well before Chicago was founded.
hapless 14y ago
If "kick down, lick up" didn't work, there would be fewer people selecting it as a strategy, and no need for jeremiads like this one. Sad but true. Edit: Thinking on it, I guess the other message from this article isn't in the headline: "Don't do business with people who treat their employees like crap." It's not just a jeremiad.
- silvestrov 14y ago
  To play the devil's advocate: that German guy didn't lick up enough, he was too selective, if he had licked everybody those few days, he would have gotten the contract. So he could have come to the complete opposite conclusion. You can fool most people some of the time...
  - r00fus 14y ago
    Just an anecdote - back over a decade ago during my consulting days, a large client I was working for in France said that when they chose a competitor over Siebel, Tom himself flew down to the client site for the sole purpose (as they said it) to tell them they were idiots for not choosing his product. Flying to a different country just to say FU to a recently lost sale doesn't sound very afffable, and yet, the Siebel product line still exists today (under the Oracle umbrella - but then again, Oracle seems to just like buying out their competitors).
- j_baker 14y ago
  I think that "kick down, lick up" almost always fails in the long run. That's the most puzzling thing about it in fact. It doesn't really benefit anyone in the long run (including the person who uses it), but for some reason people keep using it, and others will keep them around for longer than it's a benefit to them.
  - konradb 14y ago
    A person kicking down and licking up is too blinded by fear, and that fear robs them of the awareness of how counterproductive the strategy they are using is. In their haste to move away from what they hate, they take the shortcut which is to not look at it; to act what they feel is the opposite of what they hate. What would be most beneficial for these people is to confront themselves head on and examine why they don't feel comfortable and deconstruct their history, their reactions, their thoughts and their actions. But it's the strength of the fear they feel that stops them doing precisely this. A natural protection system no? Move away from what you don't like? Counterproductive to force yourself to move towards it and know it, but I personally find the more I do it, the more I benefit. Of course sometimes it can take time for the penny to drop. That's why I meditate. The pennies drop faster, and as the noise drops away you slowly start to pay more attention to yourself, and can move away from destructive behaviour.
thirdtruck 14y ago
"Don't spit on those who can spit in your food" for the pessimistic mind. I like to focus on the benefit of all the free coffee and excellent conversation I get from my local barristas, though.
- vadman 14y ago
  That was exactly my thought as I was reading the OP. Pissing off the waitstaff at restaurants is not only rude, but incredibly stupid. As is, there is already a chance that they don't like you for some reason and spit in your food regardless of how nice you are.
ktizo 14y ago
I’ve met some pretty wealthy people in my life and it seems that wealth and modesty as well as wealth and a pleasant character go together quite frequently (ok, there are lots of exceptions but the fact is that in my limited sample the nice people definitely win out). The traits of modesty[a] and a pleasant character are fairly common regardless of financial status. I think that first and foremost, we are people, and the yawning chasms we often see between our identified group and those groups we are not part of, are largely exaggerations of perception more than anything else and are miniscule compared to the differences you can find between two people who are supposed to be part of the same group. There is an exchange between F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway where Fitzgerald is supposed to have said "The rich are different from us." To which Hemingway apparently replied, "Yes, they have more money." I'm with Hemingway on this one. [a] - well, modest for humans anyway. A lot of people think that their group is pretty special on the scale of the universe, which seems to be a normal form of a general species-level arrogance that is pretty funny if you really think about it for a while, but other than that, I think modesty is fairly common.
ChuckMcM 14y ago
Interesting read, the truism is accurate of course being civil and respectful is a solid policy regardless of your relative position in life or circumstance. An alternate explanation is possible though as well, which is that this person was trying to impress Jacques. I know it sounds weird but I've had folks who were insecure in their authority get like this to prove me that they could "get things done." Its a uncomfortable but important sometimes to have the conversation about their behavior. The interesting experiment would have been to call aside on of the guys direct reports and ask if he was always like this.
- shin_lao 14y ago
  So he's either an idiot or a jerk?
  - ChuckMcM 14y ago
    Yes, but jerk can be treated, idiot is genetic. If his employees like him then you can work on his insecurity, if he is always like that and his employees hate it, walk away.
    - mikeash 14y ago
      It's funny, I would assume the opposite. If he's a jerk then he's hopeless, but if he's just stupidly thinking that this sort of thing impresses people, there's at least some hope that he can be educated.
  - salgernon 14y ago
    Or he's read _Steve Jobs_ biography and is trying to emulate him. The book is filled with examples of jobs being rude when his food wasn't prepared just so - for all his obsession about diet, I'm sure that he's eaten at least some literal backwash from his behavior.
  - MattSayar 14y ago
    I would lean more towards ignorant or a jerk. Not everyone understands what values people appreciate, and it seems like the exec in this story fell back on Hollywood stereotypes to impress the author. Of course, that's a big assumption, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
cafard 14y ago
I see nothing wrong about sending back food or wine, though I do see plenty wrong about being rude to the restaurant staff when doing so. Unless the restaurant behavior was worse than described, I'd vote for Not Proven. Taken in conjunction with his rudeness to his employees, yes, maybe it adds some force.
- deleted 14y ago
  [deleted]
devils_bargain 14y ago
I took the other fork in the road. After joining a company several years ago in an executive position, I witnessed the CEO treating other employees horribly, and remember thinking that I'd leave if he ever treated me like that. Unlike the OP, I didn't make a principled stand at the time. By the time it inevitably happened and I was subjected to the same level of disrespect and disdain, I was too invested financially and too critical operationally to leave. Even though I had enough leverage to push back, it still made for a miserable work environment to see the CEO disrespecting everyone else, and it was never pleasant having to fight to preserve personal boundaries every day. Not shockingly, nearly every hire left within 6 months. It ultimately worked out decently from a financial standpoint, but I'm still torn on whether I would make the same decision again.
- tych0 14y ago
  > too critical operationally to leave This seems odd to me. If the guy is really that much of an asshole, why do you care if you leave him holding the bag? Maybe he'd learn something from the experience. The financial investment I totally understand, but you have to look out for #1.
  - devils_bargain 14y ago
    I meant that the company would likely tank without me, so I would lose the financial investment if I left.
    - Avenger42 14y ago
      Knowing the company would tank, why not call the CEO on his behavior? I'd think the worst he could do is fire you or push you to quit, after which his investment is gone too.
  - j_baker 14y ago
    Truly manipulative people are usually very good at taking advantage of people who have integrity. It's not that he didn't want to look out for himself, it's that he felt it was morally wrong for him to leave. The boss probably encouraged this.
j_baker 14y ago
There's one kind of person you should always avoid: the person who is only kind to people they need something from.
BklynJay 14y ago
Agree with the principles of the OP. I know I'm opening up a can of worms with this next statement: It somewhat bothers me that there's been so much proselytizing of the Steve Jobs approach to running a [group, team, company, etc.], that is to say - think nothing of embarrassing your employees, harshly and non-constructively criticizing, saying things and people are "f0cking stupid" if that's the way you feel. There are other, equally efficient ways to get things done. It's possible to be firm without being an ahole about it. Simply because you might be the smartest person in the room doesn't make you 1) right all the time 2) justified in being an ahole. Everyone is fighting their own battles - battles that are paramount in their mind. Never forget that. Steve Jobs was successful in spite of being a jerk to people, not because he was a jerk.
stephencanon 14y ago
There's nothing rude about sending back food that wasn't prepared as ordered. Similarly, there is nothing rude about sending back a genuinely bad bottle of wine. You shouldn't simply eat poor food or drink in a misguided effort to be "nice"; most of the time the restaurant will be happy to get honest feedback, in my experience. I don't doubt that the guy was a jerk about it, but there's nothing wrong with the act in and of itself.
- vacri 14y ago
  That part of the story set the scene for the rest of it; it wasn't a comment in isolation.
- wccrawford 14y ago
  This is what I came to say as well, but I'd add that the prices matter, too. At a fancy restaurant, you're paying for quality. At a mom n pop diner, you're paying for food. The breakfast restaurant I eat at daily? I didn't send back food that had a bit of saran wrap in it. (They did, however, notice it and give me the meal for free. I wouldn't have complained, though.) A fancy overpriced restaurant? I'd have the manager over there in an instant. I paid for the service and quality, and I didn't get it. He didn't give any other examples, so we can't be sure exactly how rude this guy was. Being 'brusque' with your managers isn't that bad. It's efficient and they can get back to their jobs, and you yours. Was he actually rude? Did he talk snidely to them, condescend, or call them names? Or was he merely efficient? We can't know, and we have only those 2 examples above to go by.
- SilasX 14y ago
  Well, I guess there wouldn't be anything wrong with sending back wine, if wine tasters were at all consistent rather than just trying to show off their refinement. Also, of all the times you've eaten the food in a fancy restaurant, what fraction of the time have you wanted to send it back (whether or not you sent it back)? I'm guessing a lot less than a hundred percent. So what are the odds that the writer happened to hit precisely that fraction of times when the restaurant actually did a substandard job (and only for one and the same guest) on two dine-outs in a row? Both of these suggest that the guy just likes making people do more work for him because it can. Sick.
mcantor 14y ago
Sometimes I wonder if there's an unusual third path to take in situations like this. As I read Jacques's story, I found myself wishing he would take the CEO aside and say, "Excuse me, but did you know that you have been coming off as quite rude around your employees and the waitstaff at the restaurants we've been to? I wouldn't say anything if I didn't think it would be useful for you to hear." Obviously, saying that creates a degree of investment in this other person that isn't required. But it's a middle ground. Everyone seems to think there are two options: peace out completely (zero investment), or do business without saying anything (100% investment). If you just point out the behavior, you put the ball in their court. It's scary because you risk pissing them off, but really, what does that matter? You already made up your mind about not doing business with them. There are two likely responses to such a judgment: the angry/confused/awkward denial ("What the hell are you talking about? I'm a precious flower and everyone loves me because they are so blessed by my presence! Now run away, and never return!") or reflection ("Really? What made you think so?"). If you get #1, well, you're no worse off than when you started, except some douchebag with a lot of money doesn't like you. But if you get #2, you have a real opportunity to nudge someone in a more compassionate and healthy direction. It's up to each individual person, of course, but I think the potential opportunity is worth the risk.
- dkl 14y ago
  Some that would act like this toward waiters, et al, won't take kindly to being told, even very nicely, that he's very rude. If he was the type of person that would take kindly to it, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.
  - deleted 14y ago
    [deleted]
  - vegardx 14y ago
    I agree, some people just believe that they are of a higher standard and should be allowed to act like total dick heads, and the only way for them to learn is if someone from a "higher social status" puts them in the right place. I've seen it all the time, while working the floor at retail, or traveling abroad to fancy hotels and restaurants. A small "thank you", "have a nice day" or just "hi" goes a long way, even if you're there to complain about something.
vacri 14y ago
Or of course, there's just 'Be nice'. Everyone is an individual with their own motives and personality. Treat them as such and you'll have a richer life.
chrisbennet 14y ago
While I think the article reinforces the desire of nice people to act nicely, a part of me wishes that people didn't write these "it pays to be nice" articles. As long as nobody brings it to their attention (by writing an article about it), the jerks of the world might not realize that they have a big "tell" that lets others easily see their true nature. :-)
- deleted 14y ago
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zalew 14y ago
"it's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice"
balbaugh 14y ago
I have spent the majority of my 30 years working directly with people (probably 20 of my 30, as I grew up working at my father's small retail establishment and I currently work in the hospitality industry while finishing up a law degree. The number of times that I have been shocked by people's behavior towards my coworkers and myself is ghastly. One thing I find interesting is how the actors in these situations tend to have the idea that such behavior is always going to end with their desired result. Or, to put it another way, the actions have gotten them what they want in the past so they continue to act in said manner because they believe it will deliver repeat results and it usually does. I have been lucky to work for employers that have, I feel I can say, trusted and respected my decisions and abilities. And, with that preface, I offer you this... Challenge these actors whenever possible. Once I reached the emotional maturity where I was able to not allow such the actors actions to impact me emotionally, I decided that I was no longer going to allow myself to be attacked for trying to help or serve their needs. Instead, I put a smile on my face and refuse to help them unless addressed or treated in a respectful nature. I have challenged these actors in many different types of situations and some of the results are what you would expect, dissatisfied and angry patrons/customers. But, that is exactly what they were before, right?? Many, though, upon realizing they weren't going to get what they wanted began to change their ways. At first, begrudgingly, but on the second or third visit/encounter with particular customers I could see that their actions were becoming more polite and sincere. It sounds weird, but it is almost like they developed a sort of respect for me standing up to them. Of course, I understand this doesn't apply to every situation and is not going to be possible for a lot of people. But, it is food for thought. Maybe sometimes it is good to take the stance that the customer is NOT always right.

95 points by skrish 14y ago

casca 14y ago

Is this not basic humanity? How about just "Be Nice"?

macavity23 14y ago
Sure, but it's easy to be nice to those 'above' you, or those you want something from. It's being nice to those 'below' you that is the true test of character.
- driverdan 14y ago
  Being nice to everyone is easy, I don't see how it's a test of character. Being nice is the default. Being a jerk is optional.
  - g8oz 14y ago
    For many people the emotional ego payoff from humiliating those below them is a big temptation. And nice isn't the default everywhere, you are dearly in need of more data points.
  - MaysonL 14y ago
    Yes, although being nice to those who annoy you can be difficult. Especially while they're annoying you, and when you realize that the fact that they're annoying you is your problem, and that they can't help it.
slantyyz 14y ago
I prefer Dalton's quote from the movie Road House: "I want you to be nice, until it's time to not be nice." Of course, "time to not be nice" is subject to interpretation, but I'm of the view that it should be a rare occurrence.

Flow 14y ago

Glad to see that he had integrity to cancel the deal. Most germans I've met are very nice persons. Also, I couldn't help to think of this video while reading most of his posting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOBspAm5aR8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOBspAm5aR8

dfxm12 14y ago

It is the way one treats his inferiors more than the way he treats his equals which reveals one’s real character. —Rev. Charles Bayard Miliken, Methodist Episcopal, Chicago.

jarek 14y ago
I'd have thought such a basic statement of group dynamics would have been made well before Chicago was founded.

hapless 14y ago

If "kick down, lick up" didn't work, there would be fewer people selecting it as a strategy, and no need for jeremiads like this one. Sad but true. Edit: Thinking on it, I guess the other message from this article isn't in the headline: "Don't do business with people who treat their employees like crap." It's not just a jeremiad.

silvestrov 14y ago
To play the devil's advocate: that German guy didn't lick up enough, he was too selective, if he had licked everybody those few days, he would have gotten the contract. So he could have come to the complete opposite conclusion. You can fool most people some of the time...
- r00fus 14y ago
  Just an anecdote - back over a decade ago during my consulting days, a large client I was working for in France said that when they chose a competitor over Siebel, Tom himself flew down to the client site for the sole purpose (as they said it) to tell them they were idiots for not choosing his product. Flying to a different country just to say FU to a recently lost sale doesn't sound very afffable, and yet, the Siebel product line still exists today (under the Oracle umbrella - but then again, Oracle seems to just like buying out their competitors).
j_baker 14y ago
I think that "kick down, lick up" almost always fails in the long run. That's the most puzzling thing about it in fact. It doesn't really benefit anyone in the long run (including the person who uses it), but for some reason people keep using it, and others will keep them around for longer than it's a benefit to them.
- konradb 14y ago
  A person kicking down and licking up is too blinded by fear, and that fear robs them of the awareness of how counterproductive the strategy they are using is. In their haste to move away from what they hate, they take the shortcut which is to not look at it; to act what they feel is the opposite of what they hate. What would be most beneficial for these people is to confront themselves head on and examine why they don't feel comfortable and deconstruct their history, their reactions, their thoughts and their actions. But it's the strength of the fear they feel that stops them doing precisely this. A natural protection system no? Move away from what you don't like? Counterproductive to force yourself to move towards it and know it, but I personally find the more I do it, the more I benefit. Of course sometimes it can take time for the penny to drop. That's why I meditate. The pennies drop faster, and as the noise drops away you slowly start to pay more attention to yourself, and can move away from destructive behaviour.

thirdtruck 14y ago

"Don't spit on those who can spit in your food" for the pessimistic mind. I like to focus on the benefit of all the free coffee and excellent conversation I get from my local barristas, though.

vadman 14y ago
That was exactly my thought as I was reading the OP. Pissing off the waitstaff at restaurants is not only rude, but incredibly stupid. As is, there is already a chance that they don't like you for some reason and spit in your food regardless of how nice you are.

ktizo 14y ago

I’ve met some pretty wealthy people in my life and it seems that wealth and modesty as well as wealth and a pleasant character go together quite frequently (ok, there are lots of exceptions but the fact is that in my limited sample the nice people definitely win out). The traits of modesty[a] and a pleasant character are fairly common regardless of financial status. I think that first and foremost, we are people, and the yawning chasms we often see between our identified group and those groups we are not part of, are largely exaggerations of perception more than anything else and are miniscule compared to the differences you can find between two people who are supposed to be part of the same group. There is an exchange between F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway where Fitzgerald is supposed to have said "The rich are different from us." To which Hemingway apparently replied, "Yes, they have more money." I'm with Hemingway on this one. [a] - well, modest for humans anyway. A lot of people think that their group is pretty special on the scale of the universe, which seems to be a normal form of a general species-level arrogance that is pretty funny if you really think about it for a while, but other than that, I think modesty is fairly common.

ChuckMcM 14y ago

Interesting read, the truism is accurate of course being civil and respectful is a solid policy regardless of your relative position in life or circumstance. An alternate explanation is possible though as well, which is that this person was trying to impress Jacques. I know it sounds weird but I've had folks who were insecure in their authority get like this to prove me that they could "get things done." Its a uncomfortable but important sometimes to have the conversation about their behavior. The interesting experiment would have been to call aside on of the guys direct reports and ask if he was always like this.

shin_lao 14y ago
So he's either an idiot or a jerk?
- ChuckMcM 14y ago
  Yes, but jerk can be treated, idiot is genetic. If his employees like him then you can work on his insecurity, if he is always like that and his employees hate it, walk away.
  - mikeash 14y ago
    It's funny, I would assume the opposite. If he's a jerk then he's hopeless, but if he's just stupidly thinking that this sort of thing impresses people, there's at least some hope that he can be educated.
- salgernon 14y ago
  Or he's read _Steve Jobs_ biography and is trying to emulate him. The book is filled with examples of jobs being rude when his food wasn't prepared just so - for all his obsession about diet, I'm sure that he's eaten at least some literal backwash from his behavior.
- MattSayar 14y ago
  I would lean more towards ignorant or a jerk. Not everyone understands what values people appreciate, and it seems like the exec in this story fell back on Hollywood stereotypes to impress the author. Of course, that's a big assumption, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

cafard 14y ago

I see nothing wrong about sending back food or wine, though I do see plenty wrong about being rude to the restaurant staff when doing so. Unless the restaurant behavior was worse than described, I'd vote for Not Proven. Taken in conjunction with his rudeness to his employees, yes, maybe it adds some force.

deleted 14y ago
[deleted]

devils_bargain 14y ago

I took the other fork in the road. After joining a company several years ago in an executive position, I witnessed the CEO treating other employees horribly, and remember thinking that I'd leave if he ever treated me like that. Unlike the OP, I didn't make a principled stand at the time. By the time it inevitably happened and I was subjected to the same level of disrespect and disdain, I was too invested financially and too critical operationally to leave. Even though I had enough leverage to push back, it still made for a miserable work environment to see the CEO disrespecting everyone else, and it was never pleasant having to fight to preserve personal boundaries every day. Not shockingly, nearly every hire left within 6 months. It ultimately worked out decently from a financial standpoint, but I'm still torn on whether I would make the same decision again.

tych0 14y ago
> too critical operationally to leave This seems odd to me. If the guy is really that much of an asshole, why do you care if you leave him holding the bag? Maybe he'd learn something from the experience. The financial investment I totally understand, but you have to look out for #1.
- devils_bargain 14y ago
  I meant that the company would likely tank without me, so I would lose the financial investment if I left.
  - Avenger42 14y ago
    Knowing the company would tank, why not call the CEO on his behavior? I'd think the worst he could do is fire you or push you to quit, after which his investment is gone too.
- j_baker 14y ago
  Truly manipulative people are usually very good at taking advantage of people who have integrity. It's not that he didn't want to look out for himself, it's that he felt it was morally wrong for him to leave. The boss probably encouraged this.

j_baker 14y ago

There's one kind of person you should always avoid: the person who is only kind to people they need something from.

BklynJay 14y ago

Agree with the principles of the OP. I know I'm opening up a can of worms with this next statement: It somewhat bothers me that there's been so much proselytizing of the Steve Jobs approach to running a [group, team, company, etc.], that is to say - think nothing of embarrassing your employees, harshly and non-constructively criticizing, saying things and people are "f0cking stupid" if that's the way you feel. There are other, equally efficient ways to get things done. It's possible to be firm without being an ahole about it. Simply because you might be the smartest person in the room doesn't make you 1) right all the time 2) justified in being an ahole. Everyone is fighting their own battles - battles that are paramount in their mind. Never forget that. Steve Jobs was successful in spite of being a jerk to people, not because he was a jerk.

stephencanon 14y ago

There's nothing rude about sending back food that wasn't prepared as ordered. Similarly, there is nothing rude about sending back a genuinely bad bottle of wine. You shouldn't simply eat poor food or drink in a misguided effort to be "nice"; most of the time the restaurant will be happy to get honest feedback, in my experience. I don't doubt that the guy was a jerk about it, but there's nothing wrong with the act in and of itself.

vacri 14y ago
That part of the story set the scene for the rest of it; it wasn't a comment in isolation.
wccrawford 14y ago
This is what I came to say as well, but I'd add that the prices matter, too. At a fancy restaurant, you're paying for quality. At a mom n pop diner, you're paying for food. The breakfast restaurant I eat at daily? I didn't send back food that had a bit of saran wrap in it. (They did, however, notice it and give me the meal for free. I wouldn't have complained, though.) A fancy overpriced restaurant? I'd have the manager over there in an instant. I paid for the service and quality, and I didn't get it. He didn't give any other examples, so we can't be sure exactly how rude this guy was. Being 'brusque' with your managers isn't that bad. It's efficient and they can get back to their jobs, and you yours. Was he actually rude? Did he talk snidely to them, condescend, or call them names? Or was he merely efficient? We can't know, and we have only those 2 examples above to go by.
SilasX 14y ago
Well, I guess there wouldn't be anything wrong with sending back wine, if wine tasters were at all consistent rather than just trying to show off their refinement. Also, of all the times you've eaten the food in a fancy restaurant, what fraction of the time have you wanted to send it back (whether or not you sent it back)? I'm guessing a lot less than a hundred percent. So what are the odds that the writer happened to hit precisely that fraction of times when the restaurant actually did a substandard job (and only for one and the same guest) on two dine-outs in a row? Both of these suggest that the guy just likes making people do more work for him because it can. Sick.

mcantor 14y ago

Sometimes I wonder if there's an unusual third path to take in situations like this. As I read Jacques's story, I found myself wishing he would take the CEO aside and say, "Excuse me, but did you know that you have been coming off as quite rude around your employees and the waitstaff at the restaurants we've been to? I wouldn't say anything if I didn't think it would be useful for you to hear." Obviously, saying that creates a degree of investment in this other person that isn't required. But it's a middle ground. Everyone seems to think there are two options: peace out completely (zero investment), or do business without saying anything (100% investment). If you just point out the behavior, you put the ball in their court. It's scary because you risk pissing them off, but really, what does that matter? You already made up your mind about not doing business with them. There are two likely responses to such a judgment: the angry/confused/awkward denial ("What the hell are you talking about? I'm a precious flower and everyone loves me because they are so blessed by my presence! Now run away, and never return!") or reflection ("Really? What made you think so?"). If you get #1, well, you're no worse off than when you started, except some douchebag with a lot of money doesn't like you. But if you get #2, you have a real opportunity to nudge someone in a more compassionate and healthy direction. It's up to each individual person, of course, but I think the potential opportunity is worth the risk.

dkl 14y ago
Some that would act like this toward waiters, et al, won't take kindly to being told, even very nicely, that he's very rude. If he was the type of person that would take kindly to it, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.
- deleted 14y ago
  [deleted]
- vegardx 14y ago
  I agree, some people just believe that they are of a higher standard and should be allowed to act like total dick heads, and the only way for them to learn is if someone from a "higher social status" puts them in the right place. I've seen it all the time, while working the floor at retail, or traveling abroad to fancy hotels and restaurants. A small "thank you", "have a nice day" or just "hi" goes a long way, even if you're there to complain about something.

vacri 14y ago

Or of course, there's just 'Be nice'. Everyone is an individual with their own motives and personality. Treat them as such and you'll have a richer life.

chrisbennet 14y ago

While I think the article reinforces the desire of nice people to act nicely, a part of me wishes that people didn't write these "it pays to be nice" articles. As long as nobody brings it to their attention (by writing an article about it), the jerks of the world might not realize that they have a big "tell" that lets others easily see their true nature. :-)

deleted 14y ago
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zalew 14y ago

"it's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice"

balbaugh 14y ago

I have spent the majority of my 30 years working directly with people (probably 20 of my 30, as I grew up working at my father's small retail establishment and I currently work in the hospitality industry while finishing up a law degree. The number of times that I have been shocked by people's behavior towards my coworkers and myself is ghastly. One thing I find interesting is how the actors in these situations tend to have the idea that such behavior is always going to end with their desired result. Or, to put it another way, the actions have gotten them what they want in the past so they continue to act in said manner because they believe it will deliver repeat results and it usually does. I have been lucky to work for employers that have, I feel I can say, trusted and respected my decisions and abilities. And, with that preface, I offer you this... Challenge these actors whenever possible. Once I reached the emotional maturity where I was able to not allow such the actors actions to impact me emotionally, I decided that I was no longer going to allow myself to be attacked for trying to help or serve their needs. Instead, I put a smile on my face and refuse to help them unless addressed or treated in a respectful nature. I have challenged these actors in many different types of situations and some of the results are what you would expect, dissatisfied and angry patrons/customers. But, that is exactly what they were before, right?? Many, though, upon realizing they weren't going to get what they wanted began to change their ways. At first, begrudgingly, but on the second or third visit/encounter with particular customers I could see that their actions were becoming more polite and sincere. It sounds weird, but it is almost like they developed a sort of respect for me standing up to them. Of course, I understand this doesn't apply to every situation and is not going to be possible for a lot of people. But, it is food for thought. Maybe sometimes it is good to take the stance that the customer is NOT always right.