7 ms·

I’m currently wedding planning and regularly visit a wedding planning forum. I was left flabbergasted the other day when someone posted if it would be ok to ask

I’m currently wedding planning and regularly visit a wedding planning forum. I was left flabbergasted the other day when someone posted if it would be ok to ask guests to not post pictures of the couple on social media. They’re ok with guests posting pictures of themselves or of the venue and decor, they just don’t really want pictures of the bride and groom. The response ranged from “you can ask but you can’t prevent people from posting” to “it’d be rude and inconsiderate to even ask”. One person even argued that it would be rude and other people would judge them if they went to a wedding and didn’t have a picture of the bride and groom. I don’t think I ever felt the generational divide as acutely as in reading those responses, and I’m not even that old, I had social media when I was in high school.

siva7 1y ago
It could be more that those hanging around on wedding planning forums aren't really representative of the younger generation. If it's a wish of the couple, they should clearly communicate this on the invitation.
squigz 1y ago
If someone asks you not to record them at their own event, and you do, you're an asshole.
- literalAardvark 1y ago
  Not even to not record. Just to treat the pictures as private, which is an entirely reasonable request.
- carlosjobim 1y ago
  A wedding is one of the most fundamentally public events that have ever existed. The purpose is so that as many people as possible should know that these people are taken. Asking guests to not take photos is such a faux pass that the couple has destroyed their reputation completely. They can have a quiet and private ceremony instead if they have stage fright.
  - watwut 1y ago
    The traditional purpose of the wedding was meeting and joining of families. The "as many people as possible" knowing about it was not a consideration all that much. > They can have a quiet and private ceremony instead if they have stage fright. That would be called "a wedding".
    - carlosjobim 1y ago
      Of course it was a huge consideration, as adultery was taken very seriously. And still is in some parts of the world. > That would be called "a wedding". That would be called a secret wedding, a very popular trope in old romance novels.
      - ThrownOffGame 1y ago
        Clandestine weddings have presented a huge problem for Church and State authorities at various points in space and time. A clandestine wedding would often leave significant doubt about the facts of the ritual, the participants, and their actual state of mind. In most places it really is not legal to conduct a clandestine wedding without strict regulation and some sort of documentation, before and after the fact. No officiant: invalid. No witnesses: invalid. Prior bond: invalid. Duress or coercion: invalid. These are all really, really important reasons for public ceremonies attended by, essentially, randos off the street.
    - t-3 1y ago
      There's definitely very huge cultural differences that might be getting in the way here. Many wedding traditions explicitly invite all and sundry to attend and witness. Most historical traditions around weddings that I'm aware of treat them as a community event at the very least, not a private affair involving only two families.
  - justinclift 1y ago
    > A wedding is one of the most fundamentally public events that have ever existed. Not sure why you think that? Although weddings can be in public places, they don't have to be and it's quite common for only invited guests (ie not the public) to be present.
- blitzar 1y ago
  Anyone breaking the rules would be banned from my next wedding.
- patmcc 1y ago
  Yes, that's an asshole move. I think it's also pretty weird to ask people not to take photos though. edit: "no photos during the ceremony" is different than "no photos the entire event", obviously
  - seb1204 1y ago
    I think the request was to not post them to social media.
physicsguy 1y ago
This gets asked at basically every wedding I've been to in the UK i.e. there is a professional photographer, please don't take photos of the bride and groom in the church and it still gets ignored. At my own wedding, one of the guests (not even someone invited to the whole day, just a neighbour of my wife's parents who knew her growing up) is leaning out of the aisle with their phone taking photos ruining a load of photos. It's incredibly frustrating. I also think it's really strange that when something happens in public, the default isn't to look to see if the person isn't OK anymore, it's to pull out a camera phone and start filming.
- GJim 1y ago
  > please don't take photos of the bride and groom in the church and it still gets ignored Counterpoint I've never known such requests be ignored here in Blighty. Ditto requests not to upload photos to social media.
- Kye 1y ago
  I've seen posts from wedding photographers who would pass around cheap/older cameras to guests. This lets people scratch the shutterbug itch while avoiding all the problems that come with a room full of people trying to get a shot.
- gms7777 1y ago
  The thing I've seen at a few weddings recently is that right after the processional, they have a period of like 30 seconds where they allow everyone to take a picture of the couple, then phones away for the rest of the ceremony. I'm sure it's not 100% effective, but it does seem to scratch the itch for most people. I think also by calling such explicit attention to the rule at the beginning of the ceremony, it makes it seem ever more rude to violate it later.
- Braxton1980 1y ago
  Unrelated to this post but what does it mean when a person isn't invited to the whole day?
  - 1y ago
insane_dreamer 1y ago
I attended my first GenZ wedding a couple of months ago and they (someone on behalf of the couple) announced this request. It applied specifically to the wedding itself, not the post-wedding party (at the same venue). Certainly the first time it had ever come up, but it made sense to me. If you're invited to someone's wedding, it's only natural to respect their wishes. Not everything needs to be documented online!
theyknowitsxmas 1y ago
Good luck with that. People like the spectacle, do it in court with a casual dinner, nobody takes pictures.
sdoering 1y ago
Anyone finding it rude would find themselves not only on the "formerly invited and definitely not welcome" list. But also on the "good riddance, it was nice having known you once" list. People with such little respect for boundaries are just not welcome in my life.
- aerostable_slug 1y ago
  That person might be close family, and many folks aren't as ready to go full no-contact with their mother's sister or whomever it might be.
  - sdoering 1y ago
    Especially if they are close family I would be even more harsh about it. If my family f*ks this much with my borders, I am so getting rid of toxic assholes. I ab-so-f*ing-lute-ly not care about blood relations, when it comes to people ignoring boundaries. I - for example - ditched every contact to my aunt after she accused my SO of being just a gold digger. At my dad's (her brother's) funeral. So no - I don't care for blood. I care for being a decent human being and treating everybody with the respect they deserve, as long as the reciprocate. If not, I treat them with the interpersonal equivalent of a killfile.
abe94 1y ago
I went to a middle eastern wedding recently and they gave everyone these phone pouches to keep their phones in that were locked for the event's duration. Honestly made the whole event better

siva7 1y ago

It could be more that those hanging around on wedding planning forums aren't really representative of the younger generation. If it's a wish of the couple, they should clearly communicate this on the invitation.

squigz 1y ago

If someone asks you not to record them at their own event, and you do, you're an asshole.

literalAardvark 1y ago
Not even to not record. Just to treat the pictures as private, which is an entirely reasonable request.
carlosjobim 1y ago
A wedding is one of the most fundamentally public events that have ever existed. The purpose is so that as many people as possible should know that these people are taken. Asking guests to not take photos is such a faux pass that the couple has destroyed their reputation completely. They can have a quiet and private ceremony instead if they have stage fright.
- watwut 1y ago
  The traditional purpose of the wedding was meeting and joining of families. The "as many people as possible" knowing about it was not a consideration all that much. > They can have a quiet and private ceremony instead if they have stage fright. That would be called "a wedding".
  - carlosjobim 1y ago
    Of course it was a huge consideration, as adultery was taken very seriously. And still is in some parts of the world. > That would be called "a wedding". That would be called a secret wedding, a very popular trope in old romance novels.
    - ThrownOffGame 1y ago
      Clandestine weddings have presented a huge problem for Church and State authorities at various points in space and time. A clandestine wedding would often leave significant doubt about the facts of the ritual, the participants, and their actual state of mind. In most places it really is not legal to conduct a clandestine wedding without strict regulation and some sort of documentation, before and after the fact. No officiant: invalid. No witnesses: invalid. Prior bond: invalid. Duress or coercion: invalid. These are all really, really important reasons for public ceremonies attended by, essentially, randos off the street.
  - t-3 1y ago
    There's definitely very huge cultural differences that might be getting in the way here. Many wedding traditions explicitly invite all and sundry to attend and witness. Most historical traditions around weddings that I'm aware of treat them as a community event at the very least, not a private affair involving only two families.
- justinclift 1y ago
  > A wedding is one of the most fundamentally public events that have ever existed. Not sure why you think that? Although weddings can be in public places, they don't have to be and it's quite common for only invited guests (ie not the public) to be present.
blitzar 1y ago
Anyone breaking the rules would be banned from my next wedding.
patmcc 1y ago
Yes, that's an asshole move. I think it's also pretty weird to ask people not to take photos though. edit: "no photos during the ceremony" is different than "no photos the entire event", obviously
- seb1204 1y ago
  I think the request was to not post them to social media.

physicsguy 1y ago

This gets asked at basically every wedding I've been to in the UK i.e. there is a professional photographer, please don't take photos of the bride and groom in the church and it still gets ignored. At my own wedding, one of the guests (not even someone invited to the whole day, just a neighbour of my wife's parents who knew her growing up) is leaning out of the aisle with their phone taking photos ruining a load of photos. It's incredibly frustrating. I also think it's really strange that when something happens in public, the default isn't to look to see if the person isn't OK anymore, it's to pull out a camera phone and start filming.

GJim 1y ago
> please don't take photos of the bride and groom in the church and it still gets ignored Counterpoint I've never known such requests be ignored here in Blighty. Ditto requests not to upload photos to social media.
Kye 1y ago
I've seen posts from wedding photographers who would pass around cheap/older cameras to guests. This lets people scratch the shutterbug itch while avoiding all the problems that come with a room full of people trying to get a shot.
gms7777 1y ago
The thing I've seen at a few weddings recently is that right after the processional, they have a period of like 30 seconds where they allow everyone to take a picture of the couple, then phones away for the rest of the ceremony. I'm sure it's not 100% effective, but it does seem to scratch the itch for most people. I think also by calling such explicit attention to the rule at the beginning of the ceremony, it makes it seem ever more rude to violate it later.
Braxton1980 1y ago
Unrelated to this post but what does it mean when a person isn't invited to the whole day?
- 1y ago

insane_dreamer 1y ago

I attended my first GenZ wedding a couple of months ago and they (someone on behalf of the couple) announced this request. It applied specifically to the wedding itself, not the post-wedding party (at the same venue). Certainly the first time it had ever come up, but it made sense to me. If you're invited to someone's wedding, it's only natural to respect their wishes. Not everything needs to be documented online!

theyknowitsxmas 1y ago

Good luck with that. People like the spectacle, do it in court with a casual dinner, nobody takes pictures.

sdoering 1y ago

Anyone finding it rude would find themselves not only on the "formerly invited and definitely not welcome" list. But also on the "good riddance, it was nice having known you once" list. People with such little respect for boundaries are just not welcome in my life.

aerostable_slug 1y ago
That person might be close family, and many folks aren't as ready to go full no-contact with their mother's sister or whomever it might be.
- sdoering 1y ago
  Especially if they are close family I would be even more harsh about it. If my family f*ks this much with my borders, I am so getting rid of toxic assholes. I ab-so-f*ing-lute-ly not care about blood relations, when it comes to people ignoring boundaries. I - for example - ditched every contact to my aunt after she accused my SO of being just a gold digger. At my dad's (her brother's) funeral. So no - I don't care for blood. I care for being a decent human being and treating everybody with the respect they deserve, as long as the reciprocate. If not, I treat them with the interpersonal equivalent of a killfile.

abe94 1y ago

I went to a middle eastern wedding recently and they gave everyone these phone pouches to keep their phones in that were locked for the event's duration. Honestly made the whole event better