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I'll add to this: it's usually not only OK, but appreciated when you're explicit about this. I'm not a very social person by nature, and it has taken years --

I'll add to this: it's usually not only OK, but appreciated when you're explicit about this. I'm not a very social person by nature, and it has taken years -- decades, actually -- for me to get to the point where I feel comfortable in professional situations. One of the strategies I've developed to cope with this is to just be completely honest and upfront about my intentions. This has backfired a couple of times when I started doing it, so I've since modified it to "wait until you're confident they're not shady". With that addition it has served me well.

n4bz0r 1y ago
> This has backfired a couple of times Mind telling more about that?
- Ancapistani 1y ago
  In short, there are some things that are risky to tell your boss. The biggest one is if you’re unhappy. A good boss will try to work with you to resolve the issue, and help you transition to another role or company if that isn’t possible. A bad one will undermine you, violate your confidences by reporting the concern up the chain, or even outright fire you. I’ve had the all of the above happen, though it’s been a while. I think I’ve gotten better at judging people, but it’s also possible that I’ve just had a lucky streak.
  - 1718627440 1y ago
    That's exactly the distinction between formal and informal in many languages.
    - Ancapistani 1y ago
      Really? Now I’m going to have to brush up on my German, just so I can better understand the social “dance” of switching between “sie” and “du”…
      - 1718627440 1y ago
        It's of course a bit more elaborate, but if you feel comfortable trusting someone AND it's socially accepted that you offer it, then you are expected to offer it. This can naturally also used to deceive people, so maybe people will act like they trust you, but doesn't while still telling you they do, so there may be people you use informal with that you don't actually trust. But that's the general idea behind it. Nowadays, there are some, that try to use "Du" everywhere, maybe due to globalization and the proliferation of English, but this can make people (e.g. me) very uncomfortable. I then just stick with formal and in the next reply they do the same. I hate calling e.g. my boss with informal, exactly because it implies a internal trust, that just isn't there.

n4bz0r 1y ago

> This has backfired a couple of times Mind telling more about that?

Ancapistani 1y ago
In short, there are some things that are risky to tell your boss. The biggest one is if you’re unhappy. A good boss will try to work with you to resolve the issue, and help you transition to another role or company if that isn’t possible. A bad one will undermine you, violate your confidences by reporting the concern up the chain, or even outright fire you. I’ve had the all of the above happen, though it’s been a while. I think I’ve gotten better at judging people, but it’s also possible that I’ve just had a lucky streak.
- 1718627440 1y ago
  That's exactly the distinction between formal and informal in many languages.
  - Ancapistani 1y ago
    Really? Now I’m going to have to brush up on my German, just so I can better understand the social “dance” of switching between “sie” and “du”…
    - 1718627440 1y ago
      It's of course a bit more elaborate, but if you feel comfortable trusting someone AND it's socially accepted that you offer it, then you are expected to offer it. This can naturally also used to deceive people, so maybe people will act like they trust you, but doesn't while still telling you they do, so there may be people you use informal with that you don't actually trust. But that's the general idea behind it. Nowadays, there are some, that try to use "Du" everywhere, maybe due to globalization and the proliferation of English, but this can make people (e.g. me) very uncomfortable. I then just stick with formal and in the next reply they do the same. I hate calling e.g. my boss with informal, exactly because it implies a internal trust, that just isn't there.