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Throwaway, to do away with the polite fiction that I usually present. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown / Waiting for someone or something

Throwaway, to do away with the polite fiction that I usually present. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown / Waiting for someone or something to show you the way At 11 I started writing software, with entrepreneurial aspirations helped by my parents. Over my teen years I must have designed a dozen sites I never published. I did alright in school, but I was never on time. At 18, out of high school, I got my first job. I moved to the city, went to college, and flunked out. I couldn't get up for class on time, I couldn't understand the "basic high school review" math course. So, at 19 I moved back home, worked a year, and moved back to the city to work as a developer. I applied here and there, there was never much interest. I got comfortable, and although ashamed to sickness, I managed to spend the pandemic years not working at all. I suppose my ego and immaturity "prevented" me from working a regular job. At 23 I moved back to my home town, to work my 3rd job ever, as a cleaner alongside a bunch of teens. After a year of that, I moved to a new big city, swallowed my pride and immediately got another cleaning job. I hoped to move on from that, maybe to software, maybe some new calling. A new life circumstance hit me like a truck, and I had a very dark year. Stayed at that minimum wage job. 24, 25, moved back home. The last year I've been trying to improve, taking online courses, going to the gym, building a piece of software that has real value, as in, can actually make money. But, well, I have a hard time believing anything has much of value. I'm 26 now. Spent most of my year "improving", a small portion working. I maintain the polite fiction because I don't like people asking me why I do the things I do, I don't really know. I guess I do what's easy. A younger me would've chalked it up to "trauma", "anxiety", "depression", or some DSM-able disorder. An older me doesn't believe that at all. But I barely work, don't drive, and I really isolate myself. This was all quite bad before, but after the "circumstance", the last point is especially true. I know how to get out of the "not working" cycle, I have to get a job first-and-foremost. But I don't know how to get out of the isolation cycle, it's been getting worse and worse. I try and read up on it, but all the advice is about "making friends". That's not really my issue. I feel like an alien, and most everyone drives me insane. Well, at least I can appreciate Kafka. (After all that, I've never made a dime on software)

bix6 1y ago
To get out of the isolation cycle you have to stop isolating yourself. Go for a walk and talk to a stranger. I talked to a random dude for 45 mins the other day and he showed me all the fish he’s caught. Epic. Sounds like you like software. Go to a software meet up and geek out. The friends will come but even a 5 min conversation can have a huge impact on your psyche so just get out there in a way that you feel comfortable with.
- it_is_beautiful 1y ago
  The issue is deeper, I think. When I go to software meetups, I feel bitter. I used to have friends in technology, but most of them I cut off without a word, and those that reach out I resent. When I'm outside of my hometown, I feel like I can't relate to anyone, and when I'm back... it's hard to describe. I'd rather disappear than have anyone see or think about me. It's hard to even go get groceries now. I used to have "my people", but now I don't have anyone (except a few family members, -ish) that fits that. The common denominator, of course, is me. I have times of regularity, where I'm charismatic and talking with people. But even then I find that all my stories end with "... that person drives me crazy!" ... Well of course they do, seems like everyone does. The faults I judge the most in people are the ones I struggle with, or ones I've seen other loved ones struggle with where I wasn't able to help. I want to be kind, to be empathetic really, but I feel so afraid, so incapable of helping, guiding, or even listening empathetically in any way that my reactions are ...bad. Unkind, or alien. I've been trying. But it's been getting worse.
  - bix6 1y ago
    You ever go backpacking? Maybe some time alone in nature will refresh you and help you reframe the human connection.
    - it_is_beautiful 1y ago
      Backpacking was nice. As for nature, my town is in the thick of it, so I'm alone in nature quite a lot. That's one reason I return, I really miss it in the city. I've been in fact outside of my home for some weeks, visiting a sibling in a different country and helping with the new baby and other household stuff. It's been a bit stressful (hard to have structure when you're sleeping on the couch and there's a newborn), but mostly quite nice to be part of a whole. I help out with the baby, cook, socialize, and work on my software when I have time. I wish I could've had more structure, but the "limited time" aspect is a great motivator. Now I'm heading back home, and that worries me. It feels like I've been outside in the fresh air --to a degree-- and now I'm opening the windowless, stuffy shed and walking back inside for the winter. I do have to go back, even if I'm to leave I need to make some money to launch myself out. But it's like a tar pit of the mind.

bix6 1y ago

To get out of the isolation cycle you have to stop isolating yourself. Go for a walk and talk to a stranger. I talked to a random dude for 45 mins the other day and he showed me all the fish he’s caught. Epic. Sounds like you like software. Go to a software meet up and geek out. The friends will come but even a 5 min conversation can have a huge impact on your psyche so just get out there in a way that you feel comfortable with.

it_is_beautiful 1y ago
The issue is deeper, I think. When I go to software meetups, I feel bitter. I used to have friends in technology, but most of them I cut off without a word, and those that reach out I resent. When I'm outside of my hometown, I feel like I can't relate to anyone, and when I'm back... it's hard to describe. I'd rather disappear than have anyone see or think about me. It's hard to even go get groceries now. I used to have "my people", but now I don't have anyone (except a few family members, -ish) that fits that. The common denominator, of course, is me. I have times of regularity, where I'm charismatic and talking with people. But even then I find that all my stories end with "... that person drives me crazy!" ... Well of course they do, seems like everyone does. The faults I judge the most in people are the ones I struggle with, or ones I've seen other loved ones struggle with where I wasn't able to help. I want to be kind, to be empathetic really, but I feel so afraid, so incapable of helping, guiding, or even listening empathetically in any way that my reactions are ...bad. Unkind, or alien. I've been trying. But it's been getting worse.
- bix6 1y ago
  You ever go backpacking? Maybe some time alone in nature will refresh you and help you reframe the human connection.
  - it_is_beautiful 1y ago
    Backpacking was nice. As for nature, my town is in the thick of it, so I'm alone in nature quite a lot. That's one reason I return, I really miss it in the city. I've been in fact outside of my home for some weeks, visiting a sibling in a different country and helping with the new baby and other household stuff. It's been a bit stressful (hard to have structure when you're sleeping on the couch and there's a newborn), but mostly quite nice to be part of a whole. I help out with the baby, cook, socialize, and work on my software when I have time. I wish I could've had more structure, but the "limited time" aspect is a great motivator. Now I'm heading back home, and that worries me. It feels like I've been outside in the fresh air --to a degree-- and now I'm opening the windowless, stuffy shed and walking back inside for the winter. I do have to go back, even if I'm to leave I need to make some money to launch myself out. But it's like a tar pit of the mind.