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How older parents divorce affects their adult children
- deleted 1y ago[deleted]
- cricalix 1y agoAnecdotally, this rings true for me. Father walked out on mother essentially, when I was in my early 40s. Rocked my world thoroughly, hadn't seen it coming. Several years of therapy to come to terms with it.
- Baader-Meinhof 1y agoAlso anecdotally, I experienced the opposite. After three decades of constant fighting, the divorce was almost cathartic. Their marriage was more traumatic for me than their divorce. Interestingly, their relationship became much better after and they are ok as friends now.
- newAccount2025 1y agoI wonder what percentage of our feelings on the spectrum of “ok yeah makes sense” vs “omg how could this happen” is even based on the actual marriage. GP’s comment vs yours mirror my brother’s reaction vs my reaction when our parents divorced. Same divorce, completely different feelings about it.
- skissane 1y agoResearch suggests there is a big difference between how children experience divorce between high-functioning and low-functioning families - children from high-functioning families often experience parental divorce as traumatic, children from low-functioning families often experience it as a relief from ongoing traumatisation Even within the same family, both divorce and dysfunction can be experienced very differently due to differences in each child’s individual psychology and also family dynamics (sometimes one child is made to bear the brunt of the dysfunction much more than the others-the “black sheep” versus the “golden child”)
- Aloha 1y agoI can second this - my parents were good friends after their divorce, as all of the issues of contention were related to sharing a house and relationship.
- 331c8c71 1y agoI would assume ones's parents divorce would be much easier to come to terms with for someone in their 40s compared to 20s, teens or kids (that doesn't mean it wouldn't suck).
- deadfoxygrandpa 1y agomy parents split and got divorced when i was in my 20s, and both of them had remarried within about 5 years. it didnt really bother me very much at all, i was already living very far away from home, and its good to see theyre both happier than they were before the divorce. the biggest change to me is i have to visit two houses when i go home for a holiday instead of just 1 house
- notmyjob 1y agoBailing out on the responsibilities of caregiving of the spouse, thus forcing the burden onto adult children whose careers are cut short or obliterated may be one common reason this occurs.
- foogazi 1y agoHow is this different than death ?
- open592 1y agoMy reaction to be thrust into this responsibility is different if my parent just up and left vs died. It’s my responsibility into the later and me assuming their responsibility in the former.
- giantg2 1y agoBecause you may have 2 different parents to care for instead of just 1. In general, this could also mean longer caregiving periods based on the ages of the divorce vs typical lifespan.
- lurking_swe 1y agodeath is a single sad event. A specific day. Unexpectedly becoming the sole caregiver of an aging parent seems different to me. I can imagine some resentment, especially if it’s unexpected _and_ one is already the caregiver for their own spouse, children, etc. It changes your life plans, adds additional daily stress in your life, and may also add financial stress.
- deleted 1y ago[deleted]
- foogazi 1y agoeverything you said also applies in the death of the other parent: unexpected, sole caregiver, aging parent, changes life plans Even if they don’t divorce and one dies it changes your life plans The only thing different is the bummer of divorce and the emotional fallout from it
- giantg2 1y ago"Crowley found that the women faced an "economic penalty" after divorce" Something tells me this doesn't account for the court orders.
- foogazi 1y ago> This tilt towards later-in-life divorce is happening for a mix of reasons, studies suggest. Lives are longer than they used to be, for a start, and older couples may be less willing to put up with unfulfilling marriages than before. Makes sense too if you stay together for the kids, then the kids aren’t kids anymore
- giantg2 1y agoI generally agree, but they're focused mostly on 65+ age group. That would make more sense around 45-55 if people are having kids in their 30s.
- Swizec 1y ago> I generally agree, but they're focused mostly on 65+ age group Another aspect possibly driving this: In USA a lot of people get divorced immediately after a cancer (or similar) diagnosis. That way only one of you goes bankrupt and you get to keep half your lifetime savings.
- dottjt 1y agoOn the contrary, you may get paid out a massive life insurance claim.
- abirch 1y agoYou don’t have to be married to be the beneficiary of life insurance policy. I believe you only need a financial interest.
- LorenPechtel 1y agoAnd a divorce will not cancel an existing policy even if it puts you in a position you couldn't get a new one.
- mhurron 1y ago[flagged]
- moduspol 1y ago> This tilt towards later-in-life divorce is happening for a mix of reasons, studies suggest. My pet theory is an increase in treatments for "low testosterone" is a non-trivial contributor.
- serial_dev 1y agoI’d be surprised if it made a dent… I’d probably first check the numbers on this… you are saying that because men can get their testosterone up even later in their lives, they either cheat, get sexually frustrated, or less likely to put up with their wives behavior? Interesting theory, but I would be surprised if the numbers supported this pet theory.
- deleted 1y ago[deleted]
- moduspol 1y agoMen with higher testosterone has been linked to cheating in various studies--honestly I thought this was common knowledge. And treatments for "low t" (targeted at middle-aged and older males) have been more and more common over the past few decades. I guess it just seems fairly plausible. [1] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31326436/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31326436/ [2] https://www.apa.org/monitor/dec06/testosterone https://www.apa.org/monitor/dec06/testosterone [3] https://uk.style.yahoo.com/men-high-testosterone-more-likely-cheat-112630638.html https://uk.style.yahoo.com/men-high-testosterone-more-likely...
- XorNot 1y agoLiterally none of that supports your hypothesis, and you haven't established the first factor: are testosterone treatments statistically significant within the target demographic?
- smeeger 1y agoi have tried taking testosterone and it had several mind-blowing benefits and i can say with complete confidence that testosterone hrt is actually one of the most effective methods to save or hold together a heterosexual marriage. quite the opposite of what you think. such a shame that hrt is demonized by most people when its test rather than estrogen
- theoa 1y ago>"Even for those relationships that were negatively strained, over time, the strained relationships mended," she says. I was 54. my wife called it quits on me. These days, my former wife and our three daughters are probably as happy and as communicative as we've ever been. Mutually, putting our children as a high priority helped.
- lo_zamoyski 1y agoAll I can say is: duh! Divorce doesn’t harm the family only when children are young. Marriage is a bond that forms a foundation for family networks. This nonsense about “unfulfilling marriage” is simply our hyperindividualism on shameless display. That’s not the job of your marriage, to offer you some kind of fantasy “fulfillment”. Your dissatisfaction is likely rooted in your self-centeredness. We know that selfish, self-centered, self-obsessed people are the most unhappy people. Well, here’s a thought: stop prioritizing your “happiness” and your “fulfillment” and be an adult. Recognize that your marriage is for the good of others. A large part of being an adult is to enable the common good of your family and your society. Your family depends on you. Your society depends on you. Divorce motivated by abuse is one thing, but “lack of fulfillment” is a sign of perpetual adolescence. Want to be happy? Happiness is found in virtue. Learn to live for others and stop being a parasite who burdens his spouse with the impossible task of making you “happy”.
- LorenPechtel 1y agoMy wife is from a time and place were divorce was almost unheard of. At first she was appalled at what she saw as bed-hopping here. But over time she came to realize that it really came down to stay in an unhappy situation or split and try to find someone you're happy with. Of the relationships of her cohort she is close enough to know the situation most are dead, no love, no sex. Nothing but saving face.
- CoastalCoder 1y agoDifferent people can have different goals / purposes for the same institution. Marriage is one example. Another that comes to mind is going to college. Some see it as a chance to discover themselves, others see it as essentially a training program for specific careers. From your profile, I'm guessing you approach this from a Judeo-Christian perspective? If you believe the institution of marriage is defined and ordained by God, then your normative view of it makes sense. Just be aware that not everyone in this discussion will share those assumptions.
- verisimi 1y ago> From your profile, I'm guessing you approach this from a Judeo-Christian perspective? Perhaps they are someone stuck in a bad marriage but trying to justify it... Who knows?
- ookblah 1y agomodern society has made it acceptable perhaps and some of these in their 60s feel it's their last chance to live life on their own terms.