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Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adu

Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies, and just general chemistry. Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once that changes (you graduate, switch jobs, etc.), your friendship can change. And, of course, your other responsibilities will influence how much time you can use on people. Especially children can have a huge impact on that - kids just take up so much time, and combined with work and other things, it is really difficult to prioritize other things. It is not at all uncommon that once people get kids, they disappear for a solid 5-10 years, and will want to catch up again when things calm down. As young adults, most people have few responsibilities, and impulsivity is high. What I miss about being a young 20-something was how easy and willing everyone were to do stuff. Go on a hike, go watch a movie, go on a pub crawl? Sure, just give me 15 minutes. Book a trip to some other country? Could do that just a couple of weeks ahead. These days you'll have to check your calendar 3 months in advance to just shoot the shit. I think the change started when me and my friends started nearing 30 / late 20s. That's when people were really bogged down with work, met their future spouse / partner, and started focusing on self-realization (working out, hobbies, side hustles, whatever), and of course - kids. Now that most of us are in our late 30s, things are a bit easier. Those that got kids have more spare time, as the kids have grown older. Seniority at work means they aren't giving it all for the sake of promotions. More financial freedom. Things more stable, and people can catch up again. With that said, some days I really do miss the days of youth.

y-curious 1y ago
This is a common sentiment, that your friends during formative years are those that are lasting relationships. I remember hearing a theory that correlated with my learnings: friendships are made stronger by having intense experiences. As a kid, you are constantly learning and doing things for extended periods with friends. You have way more chances to do something new or reckless or whatever. Similarly, many veterans are friends for life with their brothers in arms because, well, they were doing crazy intense stuff together for years. As an adult, friendships are hard to grow for the same reason. Grabbing dinner with someone is not going to leave the same impression as, say, getting shot at. The adult friendships I have that are close I attribute to: 1. Friend's dad died shortly after we met, and we bonded throughout that time. 2. I went on an impromptu Vegas trip with friend 3. We went through grad school stress together 4. We spent a lot of time together at chess club. Nothing was intense, but frequently seeing this person solidified our relationship. Oh, he was teetering on divorce at one point, it could be that too.
anon291 1y ago
Why does self-realization mean not having friends?
- deleted 1y ago
  [deleted]
- hintklb 1y ago
  I tried to stay spontaneous and being able to do things on a whim. But most of my friends focused on partner/work/kids with the infamous 3 month in advance fully booked calendar. At some point you have almost no other choice than give up and self-realize as well and become that person as well. Simply because everyone else gave up. I think it is sad
  - anon291 1y ago
    That's because people live too far away.
deepsun 1y ago
> during my formative years Here's your answer: your friends formed yourself, and you formed them. No surprise they are like you. Even if you think they are very different from you, that's only because the differences are more pronounced from up close.
BLKNSLVR 1y ago
Late late thirties through to mid forties has been the busiest period of my (and my wife's) life. Work, school, kids sport, plus some occasional activities of our own (absolutely minimal) we had something weekly on every day of the week. Two kids ages ranging from 10 to mid-teen during that span of time. Only really just coming out of it the last couple of years - mid-late forties. Weekly activities are now more my things. Had kids very late twenties, so that might be a difference.
ratmeadow 1y ago
> What I miss about being a young 20-something was how easy and willing everyone were to do stuff Perhaps times have changed or my friends don't actually like me, but in my experience this hasn't been true since I was like 16. People are constantly busy or otherwise unwilling to go out and do stuff together. If it gets worse with age then the outlook is extremely grim...

y-curious 1y ago

This is a common sentiment, that your friends during formative years are those that are lasting relationships. I remember hearing a theory that correlated with my learnings: friendships are made stronger by having intense experiences. As a kid, you are constantly learning and doing things for extended periods with friends. You have way more chances to do something new or reckless or whatever. Similarly, many veterans are friends for life with their brothers in arms because, well, they were doing crazy intense stuff together for years. As an adult, friendships are hard to grow for the same reason. Grabbing dinner with someone is not going to leave the same impression as, say, getting shot at. The adult friendships I have that are close I attribute to: 1. Friend's dad died shortly after we met, and we bonded throughout that time. 2. I went on an impromptu Vegas trip with friend 3. We went through grad school stress together 4. We spent a lot of time together at chess club. Nothing was intense, but frequently seeing this person solidified our relationship. Oh, he was teetering on divorce at one point, it could be that too.

anon291 1y ago

Why does self-realization mean not having friends?

deleted 1y ago
[deleted]
hintklb 1y ago
I tried to stay spontaneous and being able to do things on a whim. But most of my friends focused on partner/work/kids with the infamous 3 month in advance fully booked calendar. At some point you have almost no other choice than give up and self-realize as well and become that person as well. Simply because everyone else gave up. I think it is sad
- anon291 1y ago
  That's because people live too far away.

deepsun 1y ago

> during my formative years Here's your answer: your friends formed yourself, and you formed them. No surprise they are like you. Even if you think they are very different from you, that's only because the differences are more pronounced from up close.

BLKNSLVR 1y ago

Late late thirties through to mid forties has been the busiest period of my (and my wife's) life. Work, school, kids sport, plus some occasional activities of our own (absolutely minimal) we had something weekly on every day of the week. Two kids ages ranging from 10 to mid-teen during that span of time. Only really just coming out of it the last couple of years - mid-late forties. Weekly activities are now more my things. Had kids very late twenties, so that might be a difference.

ratmeadow 1y ago

> What I miss about being a young 20-something was how easy and willing everyone were to do stuff Perhaps times have changed or my friends don't actually like me, but in my experience this hasn't been true since I was like 16. People are constantly busy or otherwise unwilling to go out and do stuff together. If it gets worse with age then the outlook is extremely grim...