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You could equally well turn the question around: why are they driving you crazy? They’re just socialized differently. You cannot change other people, you can on

You could equally well turn the question around: why are they driving you crazy? They’re just socialized differently. You cannot change other people, you can only change yourself. Meaning, if it bothers you, why not develop strategies that work to have meaningful interactions with both “askers“ and “non-askers“. It’s on you to grow, if you want to, as much as it is on the other to grow, if they want to. It’s not them that “drive you crazy“, it’s you yourself driving you crazy because you lack a strategy outside of assigning responsibility to the other to change. They don’t do it to personally offend you. If somebody doesn’t ask, it doesn’t mean they’re not interested in you. If somebody doesn’t share without being asked, it doesn’t mean they’re not up for sharing. It’s really that simple.

tene80i 1y ago
Well, kinda. But these aren’t exactly symmetrical things. One of them displays an interest in the other person, and the other doesn’t. One of them provides a way for the conversation to continue, and the other doesn’t. It’s not the case that every form of interaction is equally fine, eg talking over someone constantly or not listening at all.
- 47282847 1y ago
  You _think_ them asking questions is a way to show interest. Their way to express interest may be different and non-verbal. A lot of people ask questions but are not actually interested and only pretend to listen. You confuse your interpretation with their own intention. Only they can know their intention. There is no obvious “signal“ with agreed-upon meaning across different cultural backgrounds. I know people that grew up in environments where interrupting displays interest, and not interrupting is considered rude and signals disinterest. It is useful to make assumptions. But it’s important to discriminate between assumptions and facts.
  - tene80i 1y ago
    You’re confusing social interactions with abstract interpretive exercises. In social life, what someone presents to another person, and how successfully they do it, matters. Not just intention. In this case, you’re defending just sitting silently and expecting the other party to keep asking you questions. It doesn’t matter if you want to show interest and are failing - social interactions don’t work that way. If you’re not doing your part, people get bored or confused. Like if I wanted to show I agreed with you by giving you a thumbs down. Or yawned even though I thought you were interesting, and didn’t explain it’s because I’m tired. Intentions matter, yes. But they’re not the only thing that matters. And what’s happened here is a failure to follow commonly held standards of social interaction in a given cultural context. If you’re saying you shouldn’t _blame_ the person not asking questions, then sure, I agree. It’s not necessarily their fault. But it’s still reasonable to find their behaviour lacking and go talk to someone else. (And yes, fair point about interruptions. More complex case, and can signal engagement. Depends how it’s done.)
    - 47282847 1y ago
      I see no disagreement; just a different focus. One is aimed at my own realm of influence, what can I do to make the best out of it, the other is more around the other person and what they may or may not experience.
creer 1y ago
> If somebody doesn’t share without being asked, it doesn’t mean they’re not up for sharing. Isn't the issue a little different? That it makes it look like that they have no interest in you? If the "conversation" is a journalistic or learning stream of questions then fine. But if the conversation is more social (from friendship, getting to know a little about each other, all the way to gauging hiring interest), then "no interest" is a strong signal to move on. There are other ways to express interest than asking back, but "not expressing interest" is an obstacle. Agree with you that "drive you crazy" is yet another issue. For most this would be just a figure of speech.
- 47282847 1y ago
  It is up to you to interpret it as a “signal to move on“ or not. You may be right, but you may also be totally wrong with your interpretation. It’s not a definitive signal nor means they are not “expressing interest“. You may simply not see their way of expressing interest.
  - creer 1y ago
    We decide (interpret) based on the information we get. Those are the breaks. Of course we may be wrong. We may be wrong either way. The question might be what can we do to get a better signal. And everyone here would love suggestions.
    - 47282847 1y ago
      Share your thoughts. Ask and you will know. Or don’t, and move on, knowing that you don’t know, without the need to judge the other. There is no reason to “drive yourself crazy“ with your thoughts. We all make assumptions, and then we can communicate about them to validate. It is turning your assumptions into insinuation without actually giving the other the benefit of the doubt that creates communication mismatch, not the assumption itself. (“Their behavior must mean that they are not interested, and the only way to address this requires them to adopt to what is right for me.“)
loa_in_ 1y ago
I never have seen the idea put into words so well. Kudos.

tene80i 1y ago

Well, kinda. But these aren’t exactly symmetrical things. One of them displays an interest in the other person, and the other doesn’t. One of them provides a way for the conversation to continue, and the other doesn’t. It’s not the case that every form of interaction is equally fine, eg talking over someone constantly or not listening at all.

47282847 1y ago
You _think_ them asking questions is a way to show interest. Their way to express interest may be different and non-verbal. A lot of people ask questions but are not actually interested and only pretend to listen. You confuse your interpretation with their own intention. Only they can know their intention. There is no obvious “signal“ with agreed-upon meaning across different cultural backgrounds. I know people that grew up in environments where interrupting displays interest, and not interrupting is considered rude and signals disinterest. It is useful to make assumptions. But it’s important to discriminate between assumptions and facts.
- tene80i 1y ago
  You’re confusing social interactions with abstract interpretive exercises. In social life, what someone presents to another person, and how successfully they do it, matters. Not just intention. In this case, you’re defending just sitting silently and expecting the other party to keep asking you questions. It doesn’t matter if you want to show interest and are failing - social interactions don’t work that way. If you’re not doing your part, people get bored or confused. Like if I wanted to show I agreed with you by giving you a thumbs down. Or yawned even though I thought you were interesting, and didn’t explain it’s because I’m tired. Intentions matter, yes. But they’re not the only thing that matters. And what’s happened here is a failure to follow commonly held standards of social interaction in a given cultural context. If you’re saying you shouldn’t _blame_ the person not asking questions, then sure, I agree. It’s not necessarily their fault. But it’s still reasonable to find their behaviour lacking and go talk to someone else. (And yes, fair point about interruptions. More complex case, and can signal engagement. Depends how it’s done.)
  - 47282847 1y ago
    I see no disagreement; just a different focus. One is aimed at my own realm of influence, what can I do to make the best out of it, the other is more around the other person and what they may or may not experience.

creer 1y ago

> If somebody doesn’t share without being asked, it doesn’t mean they’re not up for sharing. Isn't the issue a little different? That it makes it look like that they have no interest in you? If the "conversation" is a journalistic or learning stream of questions then fine. But if the conversation is more social (from friendship, getting to know a little about each other, all the way to gauging hiring interest), then "no interest" is a strong signal to move on. There are other ways to express interest than asking back, but "not expressing interest" is an obstacle. Agree with you that "drive you crazy" is yet another issue. For most this would be just a figure of speech.

47282847 1y ago
It is up to you to interpret it as a “signal to move on“ or not. You may be right, but you may also be totally wrong with your interpretation. It’s not a definitive signal nor means they are not “expressing interest“. You may simply not see their way of expressing interest.
- creer 1y ago
  We decide (interpret) based on the information we get. Those are the breaks. Of course we may be wrong. We may be wrong either way. The question might be what can we do to get a better signal. And everyone here would love suggestions.
  - 47282847 1y ago
    Share your thoughts. Ask and you will know. Or don’t, and move on, knowing that you don’t know, without the need to judge the other. There is no reason to “drive yourself crazy“ with your thoughts. We all make assumptions, and then we can communicate about them to validate. It is turning your assumptions into insinuation without actually giving the other the benefit of the doubt that creates communication mismatch, not the assumption itself. (“Their behavior must mean that they are not interested, and the only way to address this requires them to adopt to what is right for me.“)

loa_in_ 1y ago

I never have seen the idea put into words so well. Kudos.