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> That said, asking questions is not inherently virtuous. Sometimes people are just hammering away, and I feel like they are trying to trip me up, or measuring

> That said, asking questions is not inherently virtuous. Sometimes people are just hammering away, and I feel like they are trying to trip me up, or measuring me against their standards. And later. > “When people are under too much pressure or stress, their defenses go up, and this makes curiosity a challenge,” she said. “Anxiety can easily look like egocentrism.” Asking questions is a minefield. I am sure there are people who lack curiosity, but I am also sure there are many people that think: " Why go into that minefield on my own initiative when my conversation partner is happy to lead me through?"

creer 2y ago
> when my conversation partner is happy to lead me through? This is really easy to misjudge though. If we care about having a conversation, we need to pitch in too. At the peril of it NOT being a conversation. Even if we are happy with the direction, we can try and provide hints that we are not just "this". One idea is to occasionally prompt for an echo about this direction, like "what part of all this is interesting to you?" or "what else does this echo for you?". The phrasing doesn't matter much, just an opportunity for that person to inject a little of themselves in there.
- weinzierl 2y ago
  I fully agree. My point was more that I believe this is hard, or at least hard for some people.
  - creer 2y ago
    > hard Oh yes, no doubt about that. And one of the many, many real life skills that schools should concern themselves with. Because who else? Another opportunity though is people watching. When bored or noised-out I sometimes give up on getting two words in and instead observe how people in that circle are talking or rather participating. There is amazing stuff going on at the meta level. People trying to be good hosts, people with zero self-awareness, other people observing and taking notes, people aware they are being chased, others not at all... It's fun.
mtVessel 2y ago
"Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone 'Are you married?' and hearing 'My wife left me this morning,' or saying, uh, 'Do you have children?' and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday." -A Fish Called Wanda

creer 2y ago

> when my conversation partner is happy to lead me through? This is really easy to misjudge though. If we care about having a conversation, we need to pitch in too. At the peril of it NOT being a conversation. Even if we are happy with the direction, we can try and provide hints that we are not just "this". One idea is to occasionally prompt for an echo about this direction, like "what part of all this is interesting to you?" or "what else does this echo for you?". The phrasing doesn't matter much, just an opportunity for that person to inject a little of themselves in there.

weinzierl 2y ago
I fully agree. My point was more that I believe this is hard, or at least hard for some people.
- creer 2y ago
  > hard Oh yes, no doubt about that. And one of the many, many real life skills that schools should concern themselves with. Because who else? Another opportunity though is people watching. When bored or noised-out I sometimes give up on getting two words in and instead observe how people in that circle are talking or rather participating. There is amazing stuff going on at the meta level. People trying to be good hosts, people with zero self-awareness, other people observing and taking notes, people aware they are being chased, others not at all... It's fun.

mtVessel 2y ago

"Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone 'Are you married?' and hearing 'My wife left me this morning,' or saying, uh, 'Do you have children?' and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday." -A Fish Called Wanda