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I tend to be a "non-asker", because that's how I was raised: that outside of certain circumstances or sorts of relationships, it's very rude to ask questions th

I tend to be a "non-asker", because that's how I was raised: that outside of certain circumstances or sorts of relationships, it's very rude to ask questions that aren't superficial. It's prying. If people want to share deeper information about themselves, they'll volunteer it. Not saying that it's right, but it's a strongly instilled social more and, at least for me, explains "why I'm like that".

cratermoon 2y ago
I was brought up similarly in the "nunya bizness" mode. It took me a long time to overcome the idea I was being nosy and learn to ask the kinds of questions that aren't superficial and people like to answer to talk about themselves.
- CoastalCoder 2y ago
  Maybe the issue is that we these various forms of smalltalk are all disingenuous. Or rather, they're idioms that don't directly say what you really mean. E.g.: "I'm looking for friends, and you seem like we might get along." "I find you attractive and I'd like to see if you feel the same way about me." "I'm lonely, and I'm looking to interact with someone for a bit to ease the pain." Etc. Reminds me of the lyrics from that Louis Armstrong song, "What a Wonderful World".
baobun 2y ago
I share this perspective. If I am actually curious about your experience with X, I might start by telling you mine. That gives you a natural way to follow up with yours and also gives you my context. It also makes it less awkward for you to change the subject without having to explicitly deny answering a question (or play politician by dodgning it). Most people seem to agree this is preferred with the basics: "Hi, I'm baobun, great to meet you!" vs "Hi, what's your name?" I on the other hand don't get the expectation that conversation should be structured like a Q&A or interview. But sure, if I notice my conversation-partner is "an inrerviewer" I try to calibrate accordingly. Remember OP is a anglosaxan reporter and seems unaware of that cultural bias. Flipping the opening: > ‘Over-askers’ can come across as selfish – but there might be personal and societal reasons for their inability to share first It's a "me" problem exactly as much as it's a "you" problem. Communication is a two-way street on all levels. Leaving space is important no matter what and a 20 minute breathless monologue without giving openings is rude regardless of its ending in a question-mark.
magicalhippo 2y ago
> it's very rude to ask questions that aren't superficial What do you count as superficial? I'm nervous around new people and I don't like awkward silences. I'm also curious so I tend to ask a lot. I usually ask about their job or things they like to do. I always find something I'm genuinely curious about in relation to what they say, and so I ask about that. I'll leave some room for them to drive the conversation, but if the awkward silence creeps back in I ask some more. So am I asking superficial questions when it comes to details about forest management, running a book store or getting a single-engine pilots license that I'm genuinely curious about? I feel like there's some levels between chitchat about the weather and deep personal issues.
- JohnFen 2y ago
  > What do you count as superficial? I mean things that aren't personal information they aren't already publicly talking about. > I usually ask about their job or things they like to do. While I personally think that asking what a person does for a living is too intrusive, it's a culturally acceptable question so it gets a pass. "What do you do for fun?" is a reasonably innocuous question, in my opinion. > So am I asking superficial questions when it comes to details about forest management, running a book store or getting a single-engine pilots license that I'm genuinely curious about? Yes, in this context, because those aren't questions asking the person to divulge personal information.
  - magicalhippo 2y ago
    > "What do you do for fun?" is a reasonably innocuous question, in my opinion. To be fair, I usually try not to ask explicitly what people do for a living. I try to frame it more open than that, keeping in mind not all people can work and such. > Yes, in this context, because those aren't questions asking the person to divulge personal information. Fair enough. My experience is that I've received positive feedback from others, see my other reply, which is not something I would associate with superficial talk. But it certainly isn't deeply personal stuff, I don't want to go there unless they volunteer.
crazygringo 2y ago
Exactly this. Driving a conversation by constantly asking questions can feel rude, like it's an interrogation. I much prefer to let a conversation have some room for silence, and then the other person can bring up whatever's naturally on their mind -- which is usually going to be more interesting and more important than whatever random topic I might have asked about. By not asking questions, you're showing politeness by letting the other person talk about what's on their mind, without predetermining the topic. And similarly, they can give you the space to talk about what's on your mind. Nobody's trying to guess what to ask about. They're just giving space for the other to bring up whatever's going on, at the depth they feel comfortable about.

cratermoon 2y ago

I was brought up similarly in the "nunya bizness" mode. It took me a long time to overcome the idea I was being nosy and learn to ask the kinds of questions that aren't superficial and people like to answer to talk about themselves.

CoastalCoder 2y ago
Maybe the issue is that we these various forms of smalltalk are all disingenuous. Or rather, they're idioms that don't directly say what you really mean. E.g.: "I'm looking for friends, and you seem like we might get along." "I find you attractive and I'd like to see if you feel the same way about me." "I'm lonely, and I'm looking to interact with someone for a bit to ease the pain." Etc. Reminds me of the lyrics from that Louis Armstrong song, "What a Wonderful World".

baobun 2y ago

I share this perspective. If I am actually curious about your experience with X, I might start by telling you mine. That gives you a natural way to follow up with yours and also gives you my context. It also makes it less awkward for you to change the subject without having to explicitly deny answering a question (or play politician by dodgning it). Most people seem to agree this is preferred with the basics: "Hi, I'm baobun, great to meet you!" vs "Hi, what's your name?" I on the other hand don't get the expectation that conversation should be structured like a Q&A or interview. But sure, if I notice my conversation-partner is "an inrerviewer" I try to calibrate accordingly. Remember OP is a anglosaxan reporter and seems unaware of that cultural bias. Flipping the opening: > ‘Over-askers’ can come across as selfish – but there might be personal and societal reasons for their inability to share first It's a "me" problem exactly as much as it's a "you" problem. Communication is a two-way street on all levels. Leaving space is important no matter what and a 20 minute breathless monologue without giving openings is rude regardless of its ending in a question-mark.

magicalhippo 2y ago

> it's very rude to ask questions that aren't superficial What do you count as superficial? I'm nervous around new people and I don't like awkward silences. I'm also curious so I tend to ask a lot. I usually ask about their job or things they like to do. I always find something I'm genuinely curious about in relation to what they say, and so I ask about that. I'll leave some room for them to drive the conversation, but if the awkward silence creeps back in I ask some more. So am I asking superficial questions when it comes to details about forest management, running a book store or getting a single-engine pilots license that I'm genuinely curious about? I feel like there's some levels between chitchat about the weather and deep personal issues.

JohnFen 2y ago
> What do you count as superficial? I mean things that aren't personal information they aren't already publicly talking about. > I usually ask about their job or things they like to do. While I personally think that asking what a person does for a living is too intrusive, it's a culturally acceptable question so it gets a pass. "What do you do for fun?" is a reasonably innocuous question, in my opinion. > So am I asking superficial questions when it comes to details about forest management, running a book store or getting a single-engine pilots license that I'm genuinely curious about? Yes, in this context, because those aren't questions asking the person to divulge personal information.
- magicalhippo 2y ago
  > "What do you do for fun?" is a reasonably innocuous question, in my opinion. To be fair, I usually try not to ask explicitly what people do for a living. I try to frame it more open than that, keeping in mind not all people can work and such. > Yes, in this context, because those aren't questions asking the person to divulge personal information. Fair enough. My experience is that I've received positive feedback from others, see my other reply, which is not something I would associate with superficial talk. But it certainly isn't deeply personal stuff, I don't want to go there unless they volunteer.

crazygringo 2y ago

Exactly this. Driving a conversation by constantly asking questions can feel rude, like it's an interrogation. I much prefer to let a conversation have some room for silence, and then the other person can bring up whatever's naturally on their mind -- which is usually going to be more interesting and more important than whatever random topic I might have asked about. By not asking questions, you're showing politeness by letting the other person talk about what's on their mind, without predetermining the topic. And similarly, they can give you the space to talk about what's on your mind. Nobody's trying to guess what to ask about. They're just giving space for the other to bring up whatever's going on, at the depth they feel comfortable about.