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I notice people tend to argue about X when it's actually a proxy argument for Y, but they don't know themselves that it's Y. Y is a legitimate concern or fear,

I notice people tend to argue about X when it's actually a proxy argument for Y, but they don't know themselves that it's Y. Y is a legitimate concern or fear, but X may not be. But everyone wastes each other's time arguing about X. If you figure out Y, you find common ground and compromise and that's when you find solutions.

dpig_ 2y ago
In my experience the Y is often the even more profound disagreement between two people, and explicit discussion of Y could be enough to obliterate a relationship completely.