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Intentionally making friends is a concept unfamiliar to me. I have a small collection of good friends, all made long in the past and deliberately maintained. Fr

Intentionally making friends is a concept unfamiliar to me. I have a small collection of good friends, all made long in the past and deliberately maintained. Friendships are forged in shared experience and more easily when young - that's just my personal experience I know its different for others. And they cannot be primarily virtual or they wilt. I feel like if there was any sense of an intentional attempt to make friends I would push back and away. Of course your experience is different because friendships come in many forms.

klipt 2y ago
> Friendships are forged in shared experience and more easily when young That's great but what if you move to study or for a job. When you're the new person in town you have to make new friends or be socially isolated forever.
- wewewedxfgdf 2y ago
  I deliberately stayed in my home town to keep my friendships - in many ways I would have been far better off leaving - I have often speculated about living somewhere else for a better financial and career life but fewer friendships.
sundarurfriend 2y ago
Your experience is the "standard" story about friendships portrayed in the media, and it's great when it works out that way, I'm glad it did for you. It's hard to know how standard that actually is though, how much of the population gets to experience it that way. A lot of people grow up in situations where they feel ostracized or just don't find anyone they connect to in their peer groups, and so don't get to forge friendships at that stage. And then there's many that go through a traumatic experience or big upheaval in their life in a way that makes it practically impossible to maintain the connections they did forge. It's true that sometimes it's those traumatic experiences or difficulties that deepen the friendship, but there's also many cases where those are so big and impactful that they alter one's identity and relationships (including friendships) forever. It's quite mature of you to be open to the fact that the experience is different for others, that's not often the case when one gets the "default" good experience of something. Many others who get that experience tend to dismiss conscious attempts to make or maintain friendships (like in the post) as not genuine, but friendship is also a skill that some people pick up unconsciously, and others need conscious attempts to learn and practice.
moffkalast 2y ago
> And they cannot be primarily virtual or they wilt. See that's the problem with childhood friends, people move. Eventually it's impossible to keep in touch beyond online with more than one or two, sometimes not even that. Yearly meetups don't really do anything except make you realize that you have less and less in common each time until one day nobody feels like organizing anything anymore.
johnnyanmac 2y ago
It's nice but not all friendships can be maintained or forged. I was a military family so I moved around a lot. And this was pre-social media, so I lost all my elementary school friends when I moved. So, no "childhood friends" to lean on". And it happens naturally as well when you go to college and likely graduate. Lot of my middle/high school connections spread out doing the same as me, finding their next step in their career. I'd be surprised if most people knew more than 1-2 people at their first job. So you gotta either work hard on old relationships from afar or find new ones. It's especially important if you are trying to find a mate. I'm not sure I heard of many deep romantic relationships that were started virtually with no physical contact for months. >perience and more easily when young - that's just my personal experience I know its different for others. And they cannot be primarily virtual or they wilt. There's that too. We're social creatures and a screen can't satisfy everyone. Men in particular are also just horrible at updates. I don't know how you can communicate for 20 minutes with someone you haven't talked to in a year and casually mention "oh yea, I'm married now and am expecting a kid in 3 months". Really shows how isolated you can feel with someone you thought you knew inside out. >I feel like if there was any sense of an intentional attempt to make friends I would push back and away. Of course your experience is different because friendships come in many forms. Well that's the difficult part of modern friend forming. It's a two way street and we're in days where even your second place might be virtual. There's no school or parents to make people mesh together. You need not only to create events but the recipient needs energy to participate. You can do everything right but some people will simply not want to meet you halfway.
em-bee 2y ago
the intention in making friends comes from intentionally participating in activities where you can make friends. not in intentionally approaching any particular person to become their friend. i traveled and moved around a lot, and just participating in tech meetups allowed me to make friends wherever i went without even trying.

klipt 2y ago

> Friendships are forged in shared experience and more easily when young That's great but what if you move to study or for a job. When you're the new person in town you have to make new friends or be socially isolated forever.

wewewedxfgdf 2y ago
I deliberately stayed in my home town to keep my friendships - in many ways I would have been far better off leaving - I have often speculated about living somewhere else for a better financial and career life but fewer friendships.

sundarurfriend 2y ago

Your experience is the "standard" story about friendships portrayed in the media, and it's great when it works out that way, I'm glad it did for you. It's hard to know how standard that actually is though, how much of the population gets to experience it that way. A lot of people grow up in situations where they feel ostracized or just don't find anyone they connect to in their peer groups, and so don't get to forge friendships at that stage. And then there's many that go through a traumatic experience or big upheaval in their life in a way that makes it practically impossible to maintain the connections they did forge. It's true that sometimes it's those traumatic experiences or difficulties that deepen the friendship, but there's also many cases where those are so big and impactful that they alter one's identity and relationships (including friendships) forever. It's quite mature of you to be open to the fact that the experience is different for others, that's not often the case when one gets the "default" good experience of something. Many others who get that experience tend to dismiss conscious attempts to make or maintain friendships (like in the post) as not genuine, but friendship is also a skill that some people pick up unconsciously, and others need conscious attempts to learn and practice.

moffkalast 2y ago

> And they cannot be primarily virtual or they wilt. See that's the problem with childhood friends, people move. Eventually it's impossible to keep in touch beyond online with more than one or two, sometimes not even that. Yearly meetups don't really do anything except make you realize that you have less and less in common each time until one day nobody feels like organizing anything anymore.

johnnyanmac 2y ago

It's nice but not all friendships can be maintained or forged. I was a military family so I moved around a lot. And this was pre-social media, so I lost all my elementary school friends when I moved. So, no "childhood friends" to lean on". And it happens naturally as well when you go to college and likely graduate. Lot of my middle/high school connections spread out doing the same as me, finding their next step in their career. I'd be surprised if most people knew more than 1-2 people at their first job. So you gotta either work hard on old relationships from afar or find new ones. It's especially important if you are trying to find a mate. I'm not sure I heard of many deep romantic relationships that were started virtually with no physical contact for months. >perience and more easily when young - that's just my personal experience I know its different for others. And they cannot be primarily virtual or they wilt. There's that too. We're social creatures and a screen can't satisfy everyone. Men in particular are also just horrible at updates. I don't know how you can communicate for 20 minutes with someone you haven't talked to in a year and casually mention "oh yea, I'm married now and am expecting a kid in 3 months". Really shows how isolated you can feel with someone you thought you knew inside out. >I feel like if there was any sense of an intentional attempt to make friends I would push back and away. Of course your experience is different because friendships come in many forms. Well that's the difficult part of modern friend forming. It's a two way street and we're in days where even your second place might be virtual. There's no school or parents to make people mesh together. You need not only to create events but the recipient needs energy to participate. You can do everything right but some people will simply not want to meet you halfway.

em-bee 2y ago

the intention in making friends comes from intentionally participating in activities where you can make friends. not in intentionally approaching any particular person to become their friend. i traveled and moved around a lot, and just participating in tech meetups allowed me to make friends wherever i went without even trying.