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I think the accepted truth that dating apps like Hinge are terrible for finding long-term partners ignores the fact that most people are not really trying to us

I think the accepted truth that dating apps like Hinge are terrible for finding long-term partners ignores the fact that most people are not really trying to use them to find a long-term partner. They might say they wanted to find a long-term partner, but that doesn't correspond to their use of the app. They aren't using them in any kind of dedicated or organized way. They just load them up when they're bored and waste a bit of time aimlessly swiping, messaging the odd match and going on the occasional date. It's a bit like if I say I want to write a novel, but all I do is sporadically open up Google Docs and write for 30 minutes before losing inspiration and doing something else. If I never write a book, is that Google Docs fault, or mine? Despite their flaws, I think modern dating apps actually provide a pretty good toolset for finding a long-term partner. But like any tool, your results will depend mostly on your skill and dedication in putting it to use.

clan 2y ago
But I prefer my tools to come with proper instructions on the box. The reason the "tool" works for you is that you are willing to game the system. Everything can be a hammer. Those really looking for a casual hookup rarely are honest about it. The pond might shrink if they are (maliciously or not). This then requires a much more guarded and hard approach for those seriously looking for longterm relationships. There is a signal value in what tool you use. Even though they might all look like a hammer to you. People are accepting invitations on Facebook. But around here it is commonly known to only mean either an intention of attending (or just showing support even). Again Facebook the tool is not to blame. Hence I do not use that tool. No fault of the tool in itself. So I think that the lament is not that dating apps are misused. People are "free" to do that. But what should the people who want a (for the lack of a better term) "real dating" app do? Some thrive in this new world. But I would claim that we get more and more lonely while hiding behind our screens. The extroverts had an easier time even before the apps. With the apps they thrive. The introverts just got an even harder time navigating this. Dating apps are pure hell for those who "want to write the book". I do not blame the tool but I do see a real world issue.
- uselesswords 2y ago
  What you’re describing is just human nature. I also wish for a world where everyone was honest with their intentions. It’s not realistic. You might as well just complain about humanity as a whole, unless you have a better idea, or can fix humanity, dating apps do a decent job.
  - clan 2y ago
    Agreed. But I read your comment as complacency. I believe the fix is to complain. How else to change human nature? That is the best part: we can change. We can do better. Naive? Maybe. Probably. But I would prefer idealist. Pretty much potato/potato in my world.
    - ptero 2y ago
      This is a noble idea which I completely respect. But changing human nature is a tough task. Plus, changing a trait into something that seems better (e.g., full honesty on goals) might have all sorts of unexpected consequences. There are dark fiction stories about societies with forced honesty (and a few who figured out the way out of it). The road to hell and all that. No offense intended. My 2c.
      - MrMcCall 2y ago
        > But changing human nature is a tough task. It is up to each of us to self-reflect and then make the effort to self-evolve. The key to this is doing so for the benefit/happiness of others. > There are dark fiction stories about societies with forced honesty Of course. a) It's fiction, b) We must choose to be honest and then make the effort to both know the truth and manifest the truth in not just what we say but what we do. And, everyone should know that the worst lies are those we tell ourselves, thus the deeeeeep wisdom of "Know thyself." It is the essential foundation for aiming the compass towards a better path.
        fireburning 2y ago
bossyTeacher 2y ago
This is so true. For many people it is just a nice validation boost. You don't need to do anything apart from the initial set-up. Likes and matches will start trickling on their own and you don't have to compromise on anything. Any requests for meeting up or video chat or similar can be ignored or the person can be deleted. There is nothing like this in the real world.

clan 2y ago

But I prefer my tools to come with proper instructions on the box. The reason the "tool" works for you is that you are willing to game the system. Everything can be a hammer. Those really looking for a casual hookup rarely are honest about it. The pond might shrink if they are (maliciously or not). This then requires a much more guarded and hard approach for those seriously looking for longterm relationships. There is a signal value in what tool you use. Even though they might all look like a hammer to you. People are accepting invitations on Facebook. But around here it is commonly known to only mean either an intention of attending (or just showing support even). Again Facebook the tool is not to blame. Hence I do not use that tool. No fault of the tool in itself. So I think that the lament is not that dating apps are misused. People are "free" to do that. But what should the people who want a (for the lack of a better term) "real dating" app do? Some thrive in this new world. But I would claim that we get more and more lonely while hiding behind our screens. The extroverts had an easier time even before the apps. With the apps they thrive. The introverts just got an even harder time navigating this. Dating apps are pure hell for those who "want to write the book". I do not blame the tool but I do see a real world issue.

uselesswords 2y ago
What you’re describing is just human nature. I also wish for a world where everyone was honest with their intentions. It’s not realistic. You might as well just complain about humanity as a whole, unless you have a better idea, or can fix humanity, dating apps do a decent job.
- clan 2y ago
  Agreed. But I read your comment as complacency. I believe the fix is to complain. How else to change human nature? That is the best part: we can change. We can do better. Naive? Maybe. Probably. But I would prefer idealist. Pretty much potato/potato in my world.
  - ptero 2y ago
    This is a noble idea which I completely respect. But changing human nature is a tough task. Plus, changing a trait into something that seems better (e.g., full honesty on goals) might have all sorts of unexpected consequences. There are dark fiction stories about societies with forced honesty (and a few who figured out the way out of it). The road to hell and all that. No offense intended. My 2c.
    - MrMcCall 2y ago
      > But changing human nature is a tough task. It is up to each of us to self-reflect and then make the effort to self-evolve. The key to this is doing so for the benefit/happiness of others. > There are dark fiction stories about societies with forced honesty Of course. a) It's fiction, b) We must choose to be honest and then make the effort to both know the truth and manifest the truth in not just what we say but what we do. And, everyone should know that the worst lies are those we tell ourselves, thus the deeeeeep wisdom of "Know thyself." It is the essential foundation for aiming the compass towards a better path.
      - fireburning 2y ago

bossyTeacher 2y ago

This is so true. For many people it is just a nice validation boost. You don't need to do anything apart from the initial set-up. Likes and matches will start trickling on their own and you don't have to compromise on anything. Any requests for meeting up or video chat or similar can be ignored or the person can be deleted. There is nothing like this in the real world.