5 ms·

Manager here: first, I'll say that you're ahead of the rest of the class just by asking this question. Most people don't bother trying to get much out of the 1:

Manager here: first, I'll say that you're ahead of the rest of the class just by asking this question. Most people don't bother trying to get much out of the 1:1s with their bosses. Here's the basic answer: the 1:1 is for you, not for me. If I'm doing my job well, I already know the status of your work. This is a chance for you to talk about anything that you want. Some of my reports ask about technical things: how can we solve X better? Can we use Y algorithm? Why did we wind up going with Z tech instead of something else? Some of my reports ask behavioral questions: how can I work better with Sue? I'm not confident in my presentation skills, can you help with that? I think I pissed off Bob, how can I recover? Some ask for business discussions: how can we contribute better to the business? what are the most important priorities of the business? why are we focusing on a silly feature when there's so much tech debt to take care of? And others talk about themselves: how can I get a promotion? How do I level up? What's my biggest weakness and how can I work on it? Some people do all of the above, and some do none of the above. Some people have no interest in 1:1s, and it's just a quick status update and we bounce. For that last group of people, I tend to try to poke and prod and try to get _something_ out of it, though. I'll put it this way: the 1:1 for you, but it's also too valuable to skip just because you don't want it. We will have a 1:1 on a regular cadence, whether you like it or not. I don't want a meeting for the sake of having a meeting, but 1:1s are the single best way for managers to connect to team members. If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of different possibilities, very few of which are good. With that in mind, it's in your best interest to make 1:1s the best they can possibly be, which you are doing, so kudos to you. Hope that helps.

_moof 2y ago
> I'll put it this way: the 1:1 for you, but it's also too valuable to skip just because you don't want it. We will have a 1:1 on a regular cadence, whether you like it or not. I don't want a meeting for the sake of having a meeting, but 1:1s are the single best way for managers to connect to team members. If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of different possibilities, very few of which are good. So what I'm hearing, it's not actually for me, it's for you.
- Clubber 2y ago
  >So what I'm hearing, it's not actually for me, it's for you. It's totally for the manager, they gotta fill their calendars to look like they're doing stuff. I hate when they want me to rank myself from 1-5 on various things just to tell me, "I don't think you're a 5, you're performing as expected. COL raise." I just put 3's on everything and wait for it to be over. Our company (whose application I built from scratch) just started doing this with a new manager after 6 years and I put in my notice on the first one. My buddy put's all 1s. It's a stupid business culture bullshit thing like mandatory after hours "team building" exercises and stupid infantilization things they love to do now. The best managers on the best teams I worked with never did this.
  - deleted 2y ago
    [deleted]
  - jmye 2y ago
    > It's totally for the manager, they gotta fill their calendars to look like they're doing stuff. I can’t imagine a sillier take. No one gives a shit what’s on my calendar. They didn’t when I was a manager, director, VP or when I had a C in my title. The 1:1 is to help you figure out why you’re an average dev and aren’t getting fives. It’s unfortunate you haven’t quite grokked that and instead just spend your time imagining how everyone around you is incompetent and out to do you wrong.
    - Clubber 2y ago
      You don't know anything about me. How can you even make that assessment? See, this is another example of modern manager bullshit. I certainly hope you don't lackadaisically asses your team in the same flippant, emotional manner. Here's another thing, you probably aren't even allowed to answer the important questions. When are layoffs? Is there an M&A going on? What projects are going to be tanked in the coming year? Who are all those new people walking around? It's all fluff and you know it. Do you make them sit in the little uncomfortable chairs in your office across from you after you ask them to shut the door? If you do, you probably should rethink the environment you're setting up. Do you even shake their hand when they come in? Managers today are so bad at building team unity and trust. I've been on both sides of this table and I know exactly what this is. Want to have more interaction with your team? Try taking them out to lunch once in a while. It works wonders for team unity. If the boss doesn't let you use the corporate card, use your own.
rahimnathwani 2y ago
This is a great answer. Three things to add: 1. OP didn't say what they wanted to achieve, except for generally improving their career. It's worth trying to make that specific. OP's idea of that will be different from yours, and different from mine. Each person has different objectives. 2. In most situations, your manager is trying to make you successful, for some definition of successful. This is a joint endeavour. It's worth trying to understand what your manager sees as success, even if there is not 100% overlap with what you see as success. 'High Output Management' has good sections on both effective 1:1s and delegation. They are only a couple of pages each. Worth reading and re-reading. 3. Good 1:1s require some effort (including preparation and follow up) but the investment should be worthwhile. (Of course, it's possible that the majority of people have regular 1:1s that are close to useless. But this doesn't have to be you.)
JohnFen 2y ago
> If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of different possibilities, very few of which are good. But all of your examples are things I would have already discussed with my manager outside of any kind of formal 1:1s, so that doesn't leave anything for the 1:1. That makes a 1:1 basically a performative exercise: I have to perform in it well enough that my manager won't be left thinking as you do in the quote.
- seanthemon 2y ago
  Honestly I feel like this is what I do, fill it with what they want to hear so I can progress versus actually discussing anything worthwhile because those things I bring uo at the time when it matters. 1-1 feels so pointless..
  - mytailorisrich 2y ago
    That's the fault of your manager who hasn't framed it correctly, or who is not keen to do it themself (perhaps it is required for them as well!) For me the key to good 1:1s is to build trust and to make clear that there is no such thing as "what I want to hear". I want to hear what you think and how things are going generally. And if there is not much to discuss them let's have a coffee and chat about the weather and holiday plans, that's good as well.
    - deleted 2y ago
      [deleted]
  - Jemaclus 2y ago
    Like someone else said, a good manager doesn't want you to tell us what you think they want to hear; they want to hear the truth. If you can't trust your manager with work-related support, then that indicates other problems! Maybe it means your manager sucks, maybe it means you have past trauma with managers who couldn't support you, maybe it means that your company culture is toxic. But I view my 1:1 with my boss and my 1:1s with my reports to be some of the most valuable time at my job. I learn so much and it removes a lot of obstacles. I've had bad bosses who don't know how to use 1:1s, and that means I have to do more work to make it valuable. I usually don't last long at those jobs, because I want bosses that make my job easier, not harder. I've had reports that don't know how to use 1:1s, and it's incumbent upon me to teach them and ensure that they're getting maximum value out of it. If they aren't, then either I'm failing and I need to fix that, or they aren't interested, and I also need to fix that. If you think your boss isn't hearing you or isn't someone you can trust and build a bond with and level up your career with, then but you either need to do some self-reflection or find a new boss. There are other options, of course. You can keep your boss that you don't trust and get guidance elsewhere. Places like Rand's Leadership Slack or other tech hubs can be good places to get advice on how to level up in your career. There's a lot out there that you don't need to be chained to a boss whose 1:1s feel pointless. I wish you the best of luck. Let me know if there's any way I can help.
mytailorisrich 2y ago
> Here's the basic answer: the 1:1 is for you, not for me. It's for both. It allows the manager to build rapport and trust, to find out things that might not be said in a public or formal setting, and to mentor and coach in a safe environment. You, as manager should also be asking plenty of questions, including to seek feedback.
- Jemaclus 2y ago
  Absolutely. That's why it was the "basic answer." The longer answer, of course, is that it's for both of us. I don't do it in every 1:1, but probably every 3rd or 4th 1:1, I ask for feedback about my own performance and about how they feel about other parts of the organization. I've found it incredibly valuable. But the primary agenda is your agenda, not mine. Mine is often supplemental and periodic, but the more important and more immediately relevant agenda is yours. If I need to talk to you about something else, it would be in something other than a regularly-scheduled 1:1, typically.
  - mytailorisrich 2y ago
    A good manager ought to forego the corporate blah blah and be straightforward and not seen as slippery in order to build trust and enable open and honest discussions.
    - Jemaclus 2y ago
      Never said otherwise :)
486sx33 2y ago
If one of my people want to skip the 1:1 I would never force them to do it anyway.
- Jemaclus 2y ago
  I think skipping occasionally is fine, and in fact it's not terribly unusual to say "Hey, we don't have anything to talk about this week" and just cancel this week's meeting. But skipping every week or canceling them outright is not really acceptable. Part of the job on both sides is enabling a feedback loop, and a 1:1 is the single best way to do it. My team are welcome to come up with other ways to do it besides a 30 minute chat in a sterile room or over Zoom, but we need to keep a regular cadence of feedback, or our working relationships will deteriorate. I have one guy who just wants to go for walks, so instead of getting in a room, we'll both walk 15 minutes to a Starbucks, grab some coffee, and walk back, and that gives us 30 minutes to chat. Only occasionally will I insist on doing it with a whiteboard or a laptop, but those are usually when there's something more "formal" about it. I'd say we only do it in an office room about once a quarter. For some of my team, it's a 15 minute chat, for at least two of them, they turn into 60+ minutes of discussion. There's no one-size-fits-all here, but there has to be _something_, IMO.

_moof 2y ago

> I'll put it this way: the 1:1 for you, but it's also too valuable to skip just because you don't want it. We will have a 1:1 on a regular cadence, whether you like it or not. I don't want a meeting for the sake of having a meeting, but 1:1s are the single best way for managers to connect to team members. If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of different possibilities, very few of which are good. So what I'm hearing, it's not actually for me, it's for you.

Clubber 2y ago
>So what I'm hearing, it's not actually for me, it's for you. It's totally for the manager, they gotta fill their calendars to look like they're doing stuff. I hate when they want me to rank myself from 1-5 on various things just to tell me, "I don't think you're a 5, you're performing as expected. COL raise." I just put 3's on everything and wait for it to be over. Our company (whose application I built from scratch) just started doing this with a new manager after 6 years and I put in my notice on the first one. My buddy put's all 1s. It's a stupid business culture bullshit thing like mandatory after hours "team building" exercises and stupid infantilization things they love to do now. The best managers on the best teams I worked with never did this.
- deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
- jmye 2y ago
  > It's totally for the manager, they gotta fill their calendars to look like they're doing stuff. I can’t imagine a sillier take. No one gives a shit what’s on my calendar. They didn’t when I was a manager, director, VP or when I had a C in my title. The 1:1 is to help you figure out why you’re an average dev and aren’t getting fives. It’s unfortunate you haven’t quite grokked that and instead just spend your time imagining how everyone around you is incompetent and out to do you wrong.
  - Clubber 2y ago
    You don't know anything about me. How can you even make that assessment? See, this is another example of modern manager bullshit. I certainly hope you don't lackadaisically asses your team in the same flippant, emotional manner. Here's another thing, you probably aren't even allowed to answer the important questions. When are layoffs? Is there an M&A going on? What projects are going to be tanked in the coming year? Who are all those new people walking around? It's all fluff and you know it. Do you make them sit in the little uncomfortable chairs in your office across from you after you ask them to shut the door? If you do, you probably should rethink the environment you're setting up. Do you even shake their hand when they come in? Managers today are so bad at building team unity and trust. I've been on both sides of this table and I know exactly what this is. Want to have more interaction with your team? Try taking them out to lunch once in a while. It works wonders for team unity. If the boss doesn't let you use the corporate card, use your own.

rahimnathwani 2y ago

This is a great answer. Three things to add: 1. OP didn't say what they wanted to achieve, except for generally improving their career. It's worth trying to make that specific. OP's idea of that will be different from yours, and different from mine. Each person has different objectives. 2. In most situations, your manager is trying to make you successful, for some definition of successful. This is a joint endeavour. It's worth trying to understand what your manager sees as success, even if there is not 100% overlap with what you see as success. 'High Output Management' has good sections on both effective 1:1s and delegation. They are only a couple of pages each. Worth reading and re-reading. 3. Good 1:1s require some effort (including preparation and follow up) but the investment should be worthwhile. (Of course, it's possible that the majority of people have regular 1:1s that are close to useless. But this doesn't have to be you.)

JohnFen 2y ago

> If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of different possibilities, very few of which are good. But all of your examples are things I would have already discussed with my manager outside of any kind of formal 1:1s, so that doesn't leave anything for the 1:1. That makes a 1:1 basically a performative exercise: I have to perform in it well enough that my manager won't be left thinking as you do in the quote.

seanthemon 2y ago
Honestly I feel like this is what I do, fill it with what they want to hear so I can progress versus actually discussing anything worthwhile because those things I bring uo at the time when it matters. 1-1 feels so pointless..
- mytailorisrich 2y ago
  That's the fault of your manager who hasn't framed it correctly, or who is not keen to do it themself (perhaps it is required for them as well!) For me the key to good 1:1s is to build trust and to make clear that there is no such thing as "what I want to hear". I want to hear what you think and how things are going generally. And if there is not much to discuss them let's have a coffee and chat about the weather and holiday plans, that's good as well.
  - deleted 2y ago
    [deleted]
- Jemaclus 2y ago
  Like someone else said, a good manager doesn't want you to tell us what you think they want to hear; they want to hear the truth. If you can't trust your manager with work-related support, then that indicates other problems! Maybe it means your manager sucks, maybe it means you have past trauma with managers who couldn't support you, maybe it means that your company culture is toxic. But I view my 1:1 with my boss and my 1:1s with my reports to be some of the most valuable time at my job. I learn so much and it removes a lot of obstacles. I've had bad bosses who don't know how to use 1:1s, and that means I have to do more work to make it valuable. I usually don't last long at those jobs, because I want bosses that make my job easier, not harder. I've had reports that don't know how to use 1:1s, and it's incumbent upon me to teach them and ensure that they're getting maximum value out of it. If they aren't, then either I'm failing and I need to fix that, or they aren't interested, and I also need to fix that. If you think your boss isn't hearing you or isn't someone you can trust and build a bond with and level up your career with, then but you either need to do some self-reflection or find a new boss. There are other options, of course. You can keep your boss that you don't trust and get guidance elsewhere. Places like Rand's Leadership Slack or other tech hubs can be good places to get advice on how to level up in your career. There's a lot out there that you don't need to be chained to a boss whose 1:1s feel pointless. I wish you the best of luck. Let me know if there's any way I can help.

mytailorisrich 2y ago

> Here's the basic answer: the 1:1 is for you, not for me. It's for both. It allows the manager to build rapport and trust, to find out things that might not be said in a public or formal setting, and to mentor and coach in a safe environment. You, as manager should also be asking plenty of questions, including to seek feedback.

Jemaclus 2y ago
Absolutely. That's why it was the "basic answer." The longer answer, of course, is that it's for both of us. I don't do it in every 1:1, but probably every 3rd or 4th 1:1, I ask for feedback about my own performance and about how they feel about other parts of the organization. I've found it incredibly valuable. But the primary agenda is your agenda, not mine. Mine is often supplemental and periodic, but the more important and more immediately relevant agenda is yours. If I need to talk to you about something else, it would be in something other than a regularly-scheduled 1:1, typically.
- mytailorisrich 2y ago
  A good manager ought to forego the corporate blah blah and be straightforward and not seen as slippery in order to build trust and enable open and honest discussions.
  - Jemaclus 2y ago
    Never said otherwise :)

486sx33 2y ago

If one of my people want to skip the 1:1 I would never force them to do it anyway.

Jemaclus 2y ago
I think skipping occasionally is fine, and in fact it's not terribly unusual to say "Hey, we don't have anything to talk about this week" and just cancel this week's meeting. But skipping every week or canceling them outright is not really acceptable. Part of the job on both sides is enabling a feedback loop, and a 1:1 is the single best way to do it. My team are welcome to come up with other ways to do it besides a 30 minute chat in a sterile room or over Zoom, but we need to keep a regular cadence of feedback, or our working relationships will deteriorate. I have one guy who just wants to go for walks, so instead of getting in a room, we'll both walk 15 minutes to a Starbucks, grab some coffee, and walk back, and that gives us 30 minutes to chat. Only occasionally will I insist on doing it with a whiteboard or a laptop, but those are usually when there's something more "formal" about it. I'd say we only do it in an office room about once a quarter. For some of my team, it's a 15 minute chat, for at least two of them, they turn into 60+ minutes of discussion. There's no one-size-fits-all here, but there has to be _something_, IMO.