4 ms·
While I'm sorry to hear about the setbacks, it sounds like you've really overcome them. Congratulations on the momentum! I've found journaling and introspectio
by herbertl 2y ago
While I'm sorry to hear about the setbacks, it sounds like you've really overcome them. Congratulations on the momentum!
I've found journaling and introspection to be helpful for building confidence. Sharing some questions below intended for you to journal through:
> But I question myself, who cares what people think? But subconsciously I clearly care very deeply what EVERYONE thinks and it’s exhausting.
I think you've hit it on the nose here!
Have you focused on this point in therapy?
What role do you think family and cultural background might play?
(Aside: I grew up in a collectivist culture and my family is quite traditional—people pleasing is the norm!)
What would it take for you to like yourself even if other people don't like you?
> I’m dumb as bricks in other areas - social situations with more than 1 person are extremely hard to navigate, I constantly have relationship issues with everyone, I find the workplace and jobs impossible to perform in even though I have innate ability in what I do.
In her book Scout Mindset, Julia Galef suggests there are two types of confidence:
1. Epistemic confidence—certainty in something, like a weather prediction
2. Social confidence—comfort with other people, and self assurance. It sounds like you might consider focusing on building social confidence.
What is your inner dialogue like? How do you talk to yourself generally? (Are you hard on yourself? Were your parents hard on you?)
Did you grow up learning that you could only feel confident after you've "earned it" or had a good reason to? (Kunal Gupta wrote a good post on this here: https://www.howto.live/post/confidence https://www.howto.live/post/confidence)
> When I say confidence I mean quiet confidence, confidence in my own actions and abilities and lot in life x social interactions.
I feel certain that just by defining confidence for yourself so clearly, you're going to get there sooner or later!
- purple-leafy 2y agoNo I really haven’t overcome the setbacks, they have really overturned my life. On paper I am doing all the “right” things, but inside I am a shell of a person. I’ve been in this situation before, and I’m always proactive, but I’m just a husk of a human being at this point. Cultural background is western, family background is that I’m from a very fucked up dysfunctional family. In terms of liking myself, I’ve never been able to answer that question. I thought having solid morals would do that, but I’ve broken my own morals several times - so that’s a no go. I thought getting fit would do it, but it became quite disordered. I thought making friends would do it, but I fundamentally can’t connect or relate to most people. My best friend is an elderly academic Chinese man, I’m a 30 something white guy. My inner dialogue is pretty horrible. I’m extremely hard on myself and it’s only gotten worse with age. When I achieve things I say I’m proud of myself but that’s it. Yes I feel like I have to earn my confidence.
- lordkrandel 2y agoDo you think you need many connections? History is full of hermits who ate herbs and drank milk. You don't need to achieve to feel confident, just to prove to yourself you are sufficient. Your dysfunctional family is the problem that emerged. This will set your mind up for a long time. I grew with a mother that loved me with too much affection, and I grew dependent as a person. That can also be a problem, huh? How can I go outside in a world in war and stay sane.l, with all the needs for caring I still have. But then I see people like you, and I'm genuinly moved to tears, 'cause I feel you and that's all I got for today.