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I see you already mentioned therapy, so I'll only lightly touch on that: A large chunk of confidence comes from the subconscious knowledge that you aren't at ri
by Terr_ 2y ago
I see you already mentioned therapy, so I'll only lightly touch on that: A large chunk of confidence comes from the subconscious knowledge that you aren't at risk of being exiled from a tribe of fellow apes. The confidence of security, rather than the confidence of ability.
With respect to uneasy social situations, sometimes I take refuge in a kind of "at least I have the virtue of honesty" approach, which starts with a willingness to say "I don't understand." Granted, that does depends on knowing I won't ever say "I don't understand, why are you sad your dog died?"
> "Adulthood isn’t an award they’ll give you for being a good child. You can waste... years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just... take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I’m sorry you feel like that, and walk away. But that’s hard."
-- A woman recovering from a bad marriage in A Civil Campaign by Lois McMaster Bujold
- purple-leafy 2y agoI have started being completely honest in communications, mostly instead of nodding and agreeing (especially at work) I have started to say “I don’t get it” more often. I think it’s a good first step. It’s interesting what you say about exiled from the tribe. I have done “weird” things and made weird decisions like getting rid of all social media, and using a dumb phone for a long time. Out of principle, but it isolates me further. I dont really do stuff that others do, I’m not a “sheep” I guess but I wish I was. People always say “be yourself” and I do that I think, but it isolates me from people and peers. ADHD and arthritis at a young age, successes like selling software ventures, sacrificing personal time to study, all this has just isolated me further. I used to think this was drive, but what’s the point if you end up alone
- Terr_ 2y agoWhat I mean is that there's a very old part of everyone's brain that floods them with stress-hormones if it thinks they might be exiled to be eaten by tigers, and while the system is insistent and disruptive, the good news is that it isn't too picky. Just being a member of some regularly-meeting group can help. It doesn't require (or necessarily respond) to things like "knowing my cosmic purpose" or "being the best at X", although some people try to sate it that way. In other words, psychological safety needs are the foundation for other forms of confidence.
- lordkrandel 2y agoNo social media isolates you on the short run. But joining groups and doing things just for the pleasure will connect you deeper with other people. Let time do its thing. You are 30, go with the flow, there's so much time. Heal a bit, and when your perspective will turn, your scorned, disappointed synapses will grow back to accept new connections and life. Send me messages on gmail. I can be a connection.