4 ms·

I was married for 12 years. We had a reasonably amicable divorce back in October 23. We have 50/50 custody of our son. He's with me 3 nights one week and 4 n

I was married for 12 years. We had a reasonably amicable divorce back in October 23. We have 50/50 custody of our son. He's with me 3 nights one week and 4 nights the following week. Since our divorce, I haven't spent any energy pursuing another lady, and I'm unsure if I will ever do so. I have no desire to ever be in a relationship again. I am thriving now career-wise and health-wise. I cooked better than my ex-wife could ever imagine. I keep a cleaner home than my ex-wife could ever imagine. While married, I handled everything in our house except for her laundry. She wouldn't allow me to do her laundry, or I would have done that too. I handled all the automobile and home repairs. Now, I can do that all for myself and my son while having the time and freedom to pursue interests without offending someone else. For a 43-year-old man like myself, I see no benefit in being in a relationship. I spent my formative years running wild in the Caribbean, burning through women as a plow cut through the snow. I'm glad I got all that out of my system as a young man. Now, all I'm focused on is providing my son with all the opportunities and experiences I never had as a child. My mother was married 4 times, and I was forced to live with 3 different step-fathers. There is no way I would ever put my son through something like that.

chairhairair 2y ago
“I spent my formative years running wild in the Caribbean, burning through women as a plow cut through the snow.”
- closewith 2y ago
  Yeah, there's an introspection threshold there that hasn't yet been reached.
  - Brian_K_White 2y ago
    It seems entirely and obviously self aware to me.
  - anthony_d 2y ago
    What is the insight you’re looking for? Or what is the category? Honestly curious what the threshold is and how you think it would exhibit.
thinkingtoilet 2y ago
Do you think your past has perhaps effected your ability to have a solid relationship? I feel like your post is like someone saying: "I'm never playing basketball again. I have to get new shoes. I have to drive somewhere. I played on a team once and my teammates were assholes. I get tired and sweaty afterwards. I have a lot more time if I don't play basketball". Perhaps basketball could be fun with the right people. I'm not trying to convince you you need a relationship to be happy, but there is a lack of awareness it seems when you say you ar the product of multiple broken relationships and you had a broken relationship of your own and don't connect the dots. I would never want to put my child through what you describe either. There are other options then 3 different step-fathers.
- hollywood_court 2y ago
  Perhaps. Seeing my mother's inability to keep a spouse certainly doesn't help. And seeing everyone else around me become divorced doesn't help either. All of the fun I had as a young man served as a constant reminder that my marriage was a downgrade from my life as a single man. Being married to someone means that you have to take their baggage and their family's baggage. I grew tired of being the only competent man for five women to rely on. Not only did I have to solve my wife's problems, but I had to solve her mother's problems. And her single-mom sister's issues. And the issues of her two best friends.
  - david38 2y ago
    Life as a single man in his 20’s is very different from a single man in his 60’s. Not sure why you thought you had to solve all these other people’s problems, but it seems to be a strong reason why you divorced - unrealistic expectations on you without them taking any accountability for themselves. I’m going through a divorce right now, just a couple years older than you. My family is very collectivist, hers individualist. They are so individualistic in fact that they literally don’t see a problem with getting pregnant by other men (gay friend for example) because “her body, her choice”, even when married. That said, I refuse to believe this is the large majority. Billions of females in the world, millions of potential matches. The chances that there aren’t many many good ones I can match with are vanishingly small. Granted, the effort in finding them … that’s another story.
itishappy 2y ago
2 years out? Sounds entirely healthy. But consider that you model healthy relationships for your son more than anyone else, and "giving up women for my son's benefit" is a strong signal. My parents are divorced as well. It's definitely affected my willingness to enter into long-term relationships.
- hollywood_court 2y ago
  Agreed. My attitude may change. But I think I'm doing everything correctly during these first few years out of marriage. I didn't want to be one of those who jump right into another relationship. That isn't healthy for anyone, particularly my son.
mohsen1 2y ago
---
- garciasn 2y ago
  Depending on situation, it’s hard not to be at least a bit bitter. Divorce is incredibly painful; financially, emotionally, and mentally, particularly for those who are blindsided by it. Don’t judge the bitterness; offer support and care as they heal.
- hollywood_court 2y ago
  I'm not bitter at all. I'm having a great time. I live in Auburn, AL. It's a huge college town. Whenever I need female company, I go to the gym or Publix and meet any number of random 20-30-year-old women. But I never let them meet my son, and I never let them stay at my home.
garciasn 2y ago
We were married to the same person, except I did everything, including her laundry, and the divorce was very much not amicable. That said: my ex-wife is a narcissistic and introverted human who does not appropriately interact with any other human, including her children; she views relationships as transactional (i.e., what’s in it for her). While I am beyond damaged from my 25 year relationship with her and all of the insanely hurtful things she did to my emotional and mental well-being as well as my financial stability being she gets an absurd amount of alimony and all of the money she stole from the family over the years, particularly in preparation for divorce, my children need to see what a healthy relationship looks like and by focusing on them as the central point of my being, they may have that opportunity should I find someone else. You are looking at it from a child and self-protectionist point of view and I’m looking at it from a healing one. They both have merit, but I just wanted to point out that living without a partner isn’t necessarily the only option post-divorce.
scarab92 2y ago
Finding women to have sex with is fairly easy, finding women who are willing to be equal partners is very hard. I don’t know how this gets fixed. Women don’t want to self reflect and men don’t want to lower their standards for commitment.
- quickslowdown 2y ago
  I don't think this even needs to be gendered. I'm not insinuating any kind of bias in your comment, it just got me thinking that this is more "people" than a gender divide where women need more self reflection and men need lower standards. People are selfish, self interested, & caught up in their own lives. Many people suck at consistently thinking about someone other than themselves, and are not good at sacrifice or compromise. It's truly a special thing when you find someone willing to put in equal effort.
- archagon 2y ago
  Exactly the opposite is true in my experience. Men often fail to realize just how much women are expected to contribute: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
  - Jensson 2y ago
    At least where I live men work more hours than women at almost any point in life if you include everything like household chores etc. Women still say men should do more, so them asking for that doesn't mean they actually do more. This is very prone to cultural differences so could be different where you live.
  - scarab92 2y ago
    Like I said, women don't want to self-reflect. Many have this perception that they are contributing far more than they actually are, and they come up with narratives like this to justify that false perception.
    - archagon 2y ago
erikerikson 2y ago
The bits where you talk about doing everything for her sound like you were in service rather than in relationship. I wouldn't want to sign up for servitude again either. Yet, those sorts of behaviors could easily displace the development of relationship. Part of my being in relationship is also being supportive and doing the work but keeping it balanced has us discussing priorities and leaves us thinking, emoting, and creating together. The question isn't whether I can make a partners life good (I can) but whether they really want to know and partner with me. You may want something else though. Good luck with navigating life, it's tricky, complicated, and nuanced. I have no idea the right path but it stays worth trying to find better paths.
satisfice 2y ago
The year and a half I have spent single as an adult was the worst time of my adult life. I don’t see the point of living unless I have a wife who needs me. My first marriage was a training experience that lasted five years and ended peaceably. I learned what not to do. My second has lasted 34 years, with a six month separation 15 years ago that clarified for both of us that life is intolerable without each other. Respect is the blood and vitality of a marriage. Respect is an aphrodisiac and all-purpose cure. Respect inspires service.
dwaltrip 2y ago
What does this have to do with the article? Do you think your experience is representative?
lisadecker21 2y ago
[dead]
lisadecker21 2y ago
[dead]
swat535 2y ago
It sounds like you’ve had your fun in the early years, married a woman you loved for over a decade, have healthy children, wealth and top of it of, you had an amicable divorce, something that is extremely rare nowadays. Unfortunately, your experience does not match the reality of many men these days, divorce is often catastrophic for them, heck even dating is impossible now. I hope you recognize and appreciate your luck and previlage. It sounds like you’re at peace, I’m genuinely happy for you and I hope the status quo remains.
- red-iron-pine 2y ago
  yeah there is a lot of one-off to the parent post dude had a crazy crappy home life growing up from the sounds of it, and then partied pretty hard. he managed to have a stable relationship that ran it's course and ended reasonable well, while maintaining stability for his kid. all things considered a pretty decent hand to be dealt.

chairhairair 2y ago

“I spent my formative years running wild in the Caribbean, burning through women as a plow cut through the snow.”

closewith 2y ago
Yeah, there's an introspection threshold there that hasn't yet been reached.
- Brian_K_White 2y ago
  It seems entirely and obviously self aware to me.
- anthony_d 2y ago
  What is the insight you’re looking for? Or what is the category? Honestly curious what the threshold is and how you think it would exhibit.

thinkingtoilet 2y ago

Do you think your past has perhaps effected your ability to have a solid relationship? I feel like your post is like someone saying: "I'm never playing basketball again. I have to get new shoes. I have to drive somewhere. I played on a team once and my teammates were assholes. I get tired and sweaty afterwards. I have a lot more time if I don't play basketball". Perhaps basketball could be fun with the right people. I'm not trying to convince you you need a relationship to be happy, but there is a lack of awareness it seems when you say you ar the product of multiple broken relationships and you had a broken relationship of your own and don't connect the dots. I would never want to put my child through what you describe either. There are other options then 3 different step-fathers.

hollywood_court 2y ago
Perhaps. Seeing my mother's inability to keep a spouse certainly doesn't help. And seeing everyone else around me become divorced doesn't help either. All of the fun I had as a young man served as a constant reminder that my marriage was a downgrade from my life as a single man. Being married to someone means that you have to take their baggage and their family's baggage. I grew tired of being the only competent man for five women to rely on. Not only did I have to solve my wife's problems, but I had to solve her mother's problems. And her single-mom sister's issues. And the issues of her two best friends.
- david38 2y ago
  Life as a single man in his 20’s is very different from a single man in his 60’s. Not sure why you thought you had to solve all these other people’s problems, but it seems to be a strong reason why you divorced - unrealistic expectations on you without them taking any accountability for themselves. I’m going through a divorce right now, just a couple years older than you. My family is very collectivist, hers individualist. They are so individualistic in fact that they literally don’t see a problem with getting pregnant by other men (gay friend for example) because “her body, her choice”, even when married. That said, I refuse to believe this is the large majority. Billions of females in the world, millions of potential matches. The chances that there aren’t many many good ones I can match with are vanishingly small. Granted, the effort in finding them … that’s another story.

itishappy 2y ago

2 years out? Sounds entirely healthy. But consider that you model healthy relationships for your son more than anyone else, and "giving up women for my son's benefit" is a strong signal. My parents are divorced as well. It's definitely affected my willingness to enter into long-term relationships.

hollywood_court 2y ago
Agreed. My attitude may change. But I think I'm doing everything correctly during these first few years out of marriage. I didn't want to be one of those who jump right into another relationship. That isn't healthy for anyone, particularly my son.

mohsen1 2y ago

---

garciasn 2y ago
Depending on situation, it’s hard not to be at least a bit bitter. Divorce is incredibly painful; financially, emotionally, and mentally, particularly for those who are blindsided by it. Don’t judge the bitterness; offer support and care as they heal.
hollywood_court 2y ago
I'm not bitter at all. I'm having a great time. I live in Auburn, AL. It's a huge college town. Whenever I need female company, I go to the gym or Publix and meet any number of random 20-30-year-old women. But I never let them meet my son, and I never let them stay at my home.

garciasn 2y ago

We were married to the same person, except I did everything, including her laundry, and the divorce was very much not amicable. That said: my ex-wife is a narcissistic and introverted human who does not appropriately interact with any other human, including her children; she views relationships as transactional (i.e., what’s in it for her). While I am beyond damaged from my 25 year relationship with her and all of the insanely hurtful things she did to my emotional and mental well-being as well as my financial stability being she gets an absurd amount of alimony and all of the money she stole from the family over the years, particularly in preparation for divorce, my children need to see what a healthy relationship looks like and by focusing on them as the central point of my being, they may have that opportunity should I find someone else. You are looking at it from a child and self-protectionist point of view and I’m looking at it from a healing one. They both have merit, but I just wanted to point out that living without a partner isn’t necessarily the only option post-divorce.

scarab92 2y ago

Finding women to have sex with is fairly easy, finding women who are willing to be equal partners is very hard. I don’t know how this gets fixed. Women don’t want to self reflect and men don’t want to lower their standards for commitment.

quickslowdown 2y ago
I don't think this even needs to be gendered. I'm not insinuating any kind of bias in your comment, it just got me thinking that this is more "people" than a gender divide where women need more self reflection and men need lower standards. People are selfish, self interested, & caught up in their own lives. Many people suck at consistently thinking about someone other than themselves, and are not good at sacrifice or compromise. It's truly a special thing when you find someone willing to put in equal effort.
archagon 2y ago
Exactly the opposite is true in my experience. Men often fail to realize just how much women are expected to contribute: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
- Jensson 2y ago
  At least where I live men work more hours than women at almost any point in life if you include everything like household chores etc. Women still say men should do more, so them asking for that doesn't mean they actually do more. This is very prone to cultural differences so could be different where you live.
- scarab92 2y ago
  Like I said, women don't want to self-reflect. Many have this perception that they are contributing far more than they actually are, and they come up with narratives like this to justify that false perception.
  - archagon 2y ago

erikerikson 2y ago

The bits where you talk about doing everything for her sound like you were in service rather than in relationship. I wouldn't want to sign up for servitude again either. Yet, those sorts of behaviors could easily displace the development of relationship. Part of my being in relationship is also being supportive and doing the work but keeping it balanced has us discussing priorities and leaves us thinking, emoting, and creating together. The question isn't whether I can make a partners life good (I can) but whether they really want to know and partner with me. You may want something else though. Good luck with navigating life, it's tricky, complicated, and nuanced. I have no idea the right path but it stays worth trying to find better paths.

satisfice 2y ago

The year and a half I have spent single as an adult was the worst time of my adult life. I don’t see the point of living unless I have a wife who needs me. My first marriage was a training experience that lasted five years and ended peaceably. I learned what not to do. My second has lasted 34 years, with a six month separation 15 years ago that clarified for both of us that life is intolerable without each other. Respect is the blood and vitality of a marriage. Respect is an aphrodisiac and all-purpose cure. Respect inspires service.

dwaltrip 2y ago

What does this have to do with the article? Do you think your experience is representative?

lisadecker21 2y ago

[dead]

lisadecker21 2y ago

[dead]

swat535 2y ago

It sounds like you’ve had your fun in the early years, married a woman you loved for over a decade, have healthy children, wealth and top of it of, you had an amicable divorce, something that is extremely rare nowadays. Unfortunately, your experience does not match the reality of many men these days, divorce is often catastrophic for them, heck even dating is impossible now. I hope you recognize and appreciate your luck and previlage. It sounds like you’re at peace, I’m genuinely happy for you and I hope the status quo remains.

red-iron-pine 2y ago
yeah there is a lot of one-off to the parent post dude had a crazy crappy home life growing up from the sounds of it, and then partied pretty hard. he managed to have a stable relationship that ran it's course and ended reasonable well, while maintaining stability for his kid. all things considered a pretty decent hand to be dealt.