Trust me, I assumed I did something wrong. 20 minutes of investigation later, I exhausted every other reasonable possibility other than that the software is sim

Trust me, I assumed I did something wrong. 20 minutes of investigation later, I exhausted every other reasonable possibility other than that the software is simply broken. Fun fact, the key combo to manually recalculate all cells is Ctrl+Alt+Shift+F9. That fixed it, but I'll never, ever trust Excel for anything again.