5 ms·

Only half? Thats a really wide range too. By 90 it is increasingly likely your spouse and close friends are mostly dead. My emotional support network consist

by dijit 2y ago

Only half? Thats a really wide range too. By 90 it is increasingly likely your spouse and close friends are mostly dead. My emotional support network consists of two people, my long-term partner and my parent(s). My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal). Only your parents might love you unconditionally, and they have a pretty decent head start with their mortality.

deleted 2y ago
[deleted]
passwordoops 2y ago
> My long term partner loves me conditionally I've come to learn the only unconditional love is that between parent-child
- zie 2y ago
  Even that can be conditional. Parents deliberately remove themselves from their children's lives sometimes for various reasons. Child is gay/trans or othered in some other way. Child commits some serious crime, etc. It could also be the parent is too much of a mess(drug addict, etc) that they can't love their child.
- layer8 2y ago
  Some people come to learn that it can be quite conditional between parent and child as well.
- exe34 2y ago
  And only some at that. Mine only "loved" me if it made them look good.
- hobs 2y ago
  The number of parents I have seen disinherit their children for something that literally is equivalent (and actually once was) "when they moved out when they were 18 they didn't clean up their room enough" is in the dozens, there's no such thing as unconditional anything in this world.
- weddpros 2y ago
  Maybe only parent-child can be unconditional, but it doesn't imply ALL parent-child love is unconditional though
purple-leafy 2y ago
This is sadly true, my long term partner left me last night. I really thought it would go the distance, and I’m almost not sad - it’s just typical
- whamlastxmas 2y ago
  Hope you do something kind for yourself to feel better <3
- nadermx 2y ago
  [flagged]
  - avtar 2y ago
    > And if she leaves me, it's because I failed in some way or another With all due respect, chances are this view won't be helpful in the long run. It's challenging enough to influence our own minds or predict with certainty what journeys they'll embark on, let alone assume we can be responsible for another person's happiness.
    - nadermx 2y ago
      I don't mean I failed to make her happy. I mean I failed in asserting myself or sacrificing my happiness for her. As her happiness generally feeds of mine.
      - purple-leafy 2y ago
        This is how I feel, I sacrificed a lot of my sanity and happiness to support them, and the spotlight was always on me as I was sad and stressed in the end. I think going forward I will always put myself first
        em-bee 2y ago
        i hear you. here is what i came up with as a good way to put it: i can't be expected to take care of my family and my kids if i am not well myself. people (especially in china) tell me (and others) that parents need to sacrifice their own well being for their children, and my response is, if i give up my own well being then my children will suffer. they say, i need to be strong for them and for my partner. but i can only be strong if i am healthy. if you like a metaphor: on an airplane they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. that's what this is. i keep myself healthy, to get the energy i need to be strong for my family.
thrwaway223 2y ago
Well for me, half of 0 is still 0 and I'm not even 30 yet. > My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal). I haven't told anyone but a therapist the abuse I've been facing from a partner because it would break my parents heart. I've been back-stabbed now 3 times from different people I was closest with relationship or friendship-wise over the past decade (because you're right it's conditional). I honestly don't see how informing friends and family around me that I've been physically attacked many times, forced to wipe all evidence, hunted down, de-escalated 20 bloodcurdling screaming panic attack episodes, stop 2 of their suicide attempts, lied to at every turn, was cheated on, and then abandoned (BPD & drug abuse). I should make the people around me share in how awful I feel? That won't resolve anything, just like the therapist that can't change it.
- swatcoder 2y ago
  FWIW, much value in talking about intense and traumatic experiences is in discovering that you're not alone in general, and often not even alone among your peers. Life can indeed go pretty smoothly for some people, at least for long stretches of time, but many more people than you might realize have experienced the kinds of things you describe. Being open about it helps each of you spot the other amidst the crowd, provide a sense of community and comraderie that it sounds like you might be lacking. Not only do you both (et al) get helped by it, the experience of helping them can often provide yet another inspiration for feeling less burdened and alone. Maybe look up some intimate group talk opportunities. These could be informal men's groups, therapy- or church- mediated groups, or 12-step groups (like maybe CODA, in your case). These are almost always private opportunities to achieve what I mention above, where nobody outside the group is going to hear a whiff of what you share, and many of them are free or reasonably priced. And they're lurking all over the place. If you're feeling as defeated and hopeless as you sound, it could make a difference.
- zelphirkalt 2y ago
  For many people telling the stories is a form of processing them, or processing their experiences in different ways than they have before.
horrible-hilde 2y ago
Why would you even want unconditional love? Are you planning on abusing and taking advantage of your spouse? People who want this are not ready for marriage.
- dijit 2y ago
  Maybe I want to be vulnerable sometimes, or weak sometimes, or to have unfinished opinions on things and be listened to in good faith without risking an entire relationship because I would like to talk about it. Like privacy, people can come up with nice catch-alls like “nothing to hide”, but the default is not abuse.
  - em-bee 2y ago
    this. unconditional love is not blind love. but it means that i am not being needlessly criticized for my faults but receive care and encouragement to work on them. it means that i am treated with compassion, even if i am a criminal. it doesn't mean that i get a free pass to do whatever i want. if i hurt someone, i need to fix that, especially if it is my partner. and the same goes in reverse. i love my wife and only wish the best for her. but that does not mean i need to be blind to her problems, or not expect her to stop doing things that hurt me or others. but it does mean that my love for her does not stop even if we should separate. however, this assumes a different kind of love than the love that most people think they have for their partner. a kind of love that is exclusive and can only ever go to one person. unconditional love is the kind of love that accepts everyone for what they are. the kind of love that all the major religions out there are talking about. (edit: expanded further)
  - bowsamic 2y ago
    You can have that with conditional love. It sounds like your marriage is just bad
  - thfuran 2y ago
    This goes way beyond merely conditional love. If you can't reasonably expect to be listened to in good faith, you have an outright toxic relationship.
Fire-Dragon-DoL 2y ago
I think parents love you conditionally true. In the end if you turn into a really bad person, they might not love you anymore. That's not bad though. If I stop talking to my partner, I suspect at some point they wouldn't want to stay with me anymore. If I attacked my parents repeatedly, same goes for them
heresie-dabord 2y ago
> My long term partner loves me conditionally Sounds right, relationships require effort to stay healthy. It's not always an easy dance, as veterans of marriage will attest. No healthy relationship should be a cage containing 2 or more martyrs. If people are accumulating resentment, it's time to seek help or dialogue or renegotiation. That said, it's a mark of mature introspection and humility to be able to ask for help and support. It's also a mark of maturity and kindness to give help and support.
Rhapso 2y ago
Loving is the easiest part of having a healthy relationship. Love can be unconditional where a relationship shouldn't be.
treecrypto 2y ago
>My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal) >Only your parents might love you unconditionally I may be nitpicking here, but I find all love is conditional. The difference lies in how easy or difficult it is to meet those conditions.
LiKao 2y ago
Being loved conditionally by your partner is OK, as long at the conditions are those that you are willing to fulfill out of free choice. Being loved conditional has a very thin line to coercive control, though, and this gets easily into abusive territory.

by dijit 2y ago

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]

passwordoops 2y ago

> My long term partner loves me conditionally I've come to learn the only unconditional love is that between parent-child

zie 2y ago
Even that can be conditional. Parents deliberately remove themselves from their children's lives sometimes for various reasons. Child is gay/trans or othered in some other way. Child commits some serious crime, etc. It could also be the parent is too much of a mess(drug addict, etc) that they can't love their child.
layer8 2y ago
Some people come to learn that it can be quite conditional between parent and child as well.
exe34 2y ago
And only some at that. Mine only "loved" me if it made them look good.
hobs 2y ago
The number of parents I have seen disinherit their children for something that literally is equivalent (and actually once was) "when they moved out when they were 18 they didn't clean up their room enough" is in the dozens, there's no such thing as unconditional anything in this world.
weddpros 2y ago
Maybe only parent-child can be unconditional, but it doesn't imply ALL parent-child love is unconditional though

purple-leafy 2y ago

This is sadly true, my long term partner left me last night. I really thought it would go the distance, and I’m almost not sad - it’s just typical

whamlastxmas 2y ago
Hope you do something kind for yourself to feel better <3
nadermx 2y ago
[flagged]
- avtar 2y ago
  > And if she leaves me, it's because I failed in some way or another With all due respect, chances are this view won't be helpful in the long run. It's challenging enough to influence our own minds or predict with certainty what journeys they'll embark on, let alone assume we can be responsible for another person's happiness.
  - nadermx 2y ago
    I don't mean I failed to make her happy. I mean I failed in asserting myself or sacrificing my happiness for her. As her happiness generally feeds of mine.
    - purple-leafy 2y ago
      This is how I feel, I sacrificed a lot of my sanity and happiness to support them, and the spotlight was always on me as I was sad and stressed in the end. I think going forward I will always put myself first
      - em-bee 2y ago
        i hear you. here is what i came up with as a good way to put it: i can't be expected to take care of my family and my kids if i am not well myself. people (especially in china) tell me (and others) that parents need to sacrifice their own well being for their children, and my response is, if i give up my own well being then my children will suffer. they say, i need to be strong for them and for my partner. but i can only be strong if i am healthy. if you like a metaphor: on an airplane they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. that's what this is. i keep myself healthy, to get the energy i need to be strong for my family.

thrwaway223 2y ago

Well for me, half of 0 is still 0 and I'm not even 30 yet. > My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal). I haven't told anyone but a therapist the abuse I've been facing from a partner because it would break my parents heart. I've been back-stabbed now 3 times from different people I was closest with relationship or friendship-wise over the past decade (because you're right it's conditional). I honestly don't see how informing friends and family around me that I've been physically attacked many times, forced to wipe all evidence, hunted down, de-escalated 20 bloodcurdling screaming panic attack episodes, stop 2 of their suicide attempts, lied to at every turn, was cheated on, and then abandoned (BPD & drug abuse). I should make the people around me share in how awful I feel? That won't resolve anything, just like the therapist that can't change it.

swatcoder 2y ago
FWIW, much value in talking about intense and traumatic experiences is in discovering that you're not alone in general, and often not even alone among your peers. Life can indeed go pretty smoothly for some people, at least for long stretches of time, but many more people than you might realize have experienced the kinds of things you describe. Being open about it helps each of you spot the other amidst the crowd, provide a sense of community and comraderie that it sounds like you might be lacking. Not only do you both (et al) get helped by it, the experience of helping them can often provide yet another inspiration for feeling less burdened and alone. Maybe look up some intimate group talk opportunities. These could be informal men's groups, therapy- or church- mediated groups, or 12-step groups (like maybe CODA, in your case). These are almost always private opportunities to achieve what I mention above, where nobody outside the group is going to hear a whiff of what you share, and many of them are free or reasonably priced. And they're lurking all over the place. If you're feeling as defeated and hopeless as you sound, it could make a difference.
zelphirkalt 2y ago
For many people telling the stories is a form of processing them, or processing their experiences in different ways than they have before.

horrible-hilde 2y ago

Why would you even want unconditional love? Are you planning on abusing and taking advantage of your spouse? People who want this are not ready for marriage.

dijit 2y ago
Maybe I want to be vulnerable sometimes, or weak sometimes, or to have unfinished opinions on things and be listened to in good faith without risking an entire relationship because I would like to talk about it. Like privacy, people can come up with nice catch-alls like “nothing to hide”, but the default is not abuse.
- em-bee 2y ago
  this. unconditional love is not blind love. but it means that i am not being needlessly criticized for my faults but receive care and encouragement to work on them. it means that i am treated with compassion, even if i am a criminal. it doesn't mean that i get a free pass to do whatever i want. if i hurt someone, i need to fix that, especially if it is my partner. and the same goes in reverse. i love my wife and only wish the best for her. but that does not mean i need to be blind to her problems, or not expect her to stop doing things that hurt me or others. but it does mean that my love for her does not stop even if we should separate. however, this assumes a different kind of love than the love that most people think they have for their partner. a kind of love that is exclusive and can only ever go to one person. unconditional love is the kind of love that accepts everyone for what they are. the kind of love that all the major religions out there are talking about. (edit: expanded further)
- bowsamic 2y ago
  You can have that with conditional love. It sounds like your marriage is just bad
- thfuran 2y ago
  This goes way beyond merely conditional love. If you can't reasonably expect to be listened to in good faith, you have an outright toxic relationship.

Fire-Dragon-DoL 2y ago

I think parents love you conditionally true. In the end if you turn into a really bad person, they might not love you anymore. That's not bad though. If I stop talking to my partner, I suspect at some point they wouldn't want to stay with me anymore. If I attacked my parents repeatedly, same goes for them

heresie-dabord 2y ago

> My long term partner loves me conditionally Sounds right, relationships require effort to stay healthy. It's not always an easy dance, as veterans of marriage will attest. No healthy relationship should be a cage containing 2 or more martyrs. If people are accumulating resentment, it's time to seek help or dialogue or renegotiation. That said, it's a mark of mature introspection and humility to be able to ask for help and support. It's also a mark of maturity and kindness to give help and support.

Rhapso 2y ago

Loving is the easiest part of having a healthy relationship. Love can be unconditional where a relationship shouldn't be.

treecrypto 2y ago

>My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal) >Only your parents might love you unconditionally I may be nitpicking here, but I find all love is conditional. The difference lies in how easy or difficult it is to meet those conditions.

LiKao 2y ago

Being loved conditionally by your partner is OK, as long at the conditions are those that you are willing to fulfill out of free choice. Being loved conditional has a very thin line to coercive control, though, and this gets easily into abusive territory.