5 ms·

> First you have to make space in your life for it. You need long blocks of time for deep work. This is the obstacle to EVERYTHING in my life. It's very chaoti

> First you have to make space in your life for it. You need long blocks of time for deep work. This is the obstacle to EVERYTHING in my life. It's very chaotic, which causes a lot of stress and has led to decreasing performance. I try so hard to clean up, to improve things. To try to proactively get ahead of stuff. It never seems to be enough. Something happens I cannot prepare for, or in trying to save and be efficient something goes wrong I cannot afford. My whole plan, saving AND getting things done has now blown up. I no longer have one, I now have three problems and I have also lost/wasted a day. Tomorrow I have four problems, plus I am aware of this dynamic and unable to escape it so technically 5? This compounds over time. How do you escape this failure loop? tl;dr: the "being poor is expensive" trap, how escape when so burned out you are struggling to tread water? It's not just money, it's attention span. It's the ability to set my mind to something and accomplish what I set out. Having that muscle atrophy and tear has been traumatic and I am struggling to find emotional or medical interventions worth the effort.

ndileas 2y ago
It really depends on the specifics of your life. I get a lot of mileage out of imagining what a more functional adult would do, then doing that (stupid example: <FUNCTIONAL ADULT> doesn't buy the cheapest shoes available and try to make them last 5 years while enduring back pain). It's hard to change quickly; sometimes decisions I made years ago (or that someone in my family made decades ago) throw a wrench in the works. I also took a big step back from various forms of ambition, in favor of building a solid, enjoyable life. I hope it gets better for you too.
- dirtybirdnj 2y ago
  > I also took a big step back from various forms of ambition, in favor of building a solid, enjoyable life. I think you are onto something here, but there's no way to keep my current situation sustainable let alone live on less. The financial thing I can't do much about but the psychological maybe. It's hard when I feel like there is nobody to help me and I have to do everything alone.
  - ndileas 2y ago
    From this and your other comments life sucks for you right now. There's no magic bullet. Religion might help or it might mess you up worse. Sometimes life sucks for a while then gets better. Keep your head up - find one thing you can still enjoy and savor it.
cudgy 2y ago
Of course, I know nothing about your particular situation, but one strategy is to simplify life as much as you can. This could be lowering living costs by moving and getting rid of expensive habits. Lower overhead can be huge factor in reducing distraction and stress. Other strategies are reducing the number of activities, avoid using phones and other distractions during work periods, avoid social media and political discussion and encourage focus on your goals, setting boundaries with family and friends, saying “no” more often to requests, avoiding triggers that distract you or cause stress, create a dedicated and quiet workspace with few distractions, and generally focus on fewer goals at a time.
- dirtybirdnj 2y ago
  > focus on fewer goals at a time Beyond this very specific thing, I think its also a struggle with trusting myself. I don't trust myself to finish anything. I can try as hard as I want but my locus of control is completely external. I am tired of being lied to about agency and ability. If it was easy as putting effort in I'd be there already. So I work harder and harder in an effort to MAYBE be enough for society / work etc and I am STILL not enough. How can you believe in yourself when you are the source of all failure, lack of consistency, inability to change or adapt. It's me. I'm the problem. I try to be better but at some point I am just masking who I am, which is a WHOLE other problem that is not mutually exclusive. It's another one of those "can't follow the issue because it's too complicated" problems that's destroying my life. Nobody undertands, everyone tells me I'm not alone (they are wrong) and nobdody has any reasonable or actionable suggestions because nobody I have talked to yet even remotely grasps what I am going through. My therapist is really the only person who gets it. So many times I have tried to do the "right" thing only for it to backfire and make everything worse. It's textbook learned helplessness, but I also have a proverbial textbook of evidence to support my reasons why things won't work. Nobody will listen to me, and then when the thing I tell them won't work FAILS it's my fault for pointing out the laws of physics or nature. I am tired of being the scapegoat for sociopaths and Machiavellian cancer. I accept that I need to accept failure. I am trying, but it's demoralizing and only seems to cause pain not growth. I can usually maintain optimism for a week or more but inevitably the reality of life creeps back in and I can't lie to myself any longer.
BurningFrog 2y ago
Sounds like you need to first make your life less chaotic. This could mean making some hard choices.
- oldandboring 2y ago
  This is usually possible to some degree but the life circumstances creating the chaos may not be things they can realistically get rid of.
  - dirtybirdnj 2y ago
    Nail on the head. Lost wife / family (cat) / house over the summer. Mom in and out of hospital starting in November. I'm a cat locked in the dryer and there are no door handles on the inside.
    - fn-mote 2y ago
      My deepest sympathies. Find a way to spend some time and money on therapy if you can. It will help stop the problem making itself worse.
    - oldandboring 2y ago
      I kinda figured. Sorry bro. No easy answers, unfortunately.

ndileas 2y ago

It really depends on the specifics of your life. I get a lot of mileage out of imagining what a more functional adult would do, then doing that (stupid example: <FUNCTIONAL ADULT> doesn't buy the cheapest shoes available and try to make them last 5 years while enduring back pain). It's hard to change quickly; sometimes decisions I made years ago (or that someone in my family made decades ago) throw a wrench in the works. I also took a big step back from various forms of ambition, in favor of building a solid, enjoyable life. I hope it gets better for you too.

dirtybirdnj 2y ago
> I also took a big step back from various forms of ambition, in favor of building a solid, enjoyable life. I think you are onto something here, but there's no way to keep my current situation sustainable let alone live on less. The financial thing I can't do much about but the psychological maybe. It's hard when I feel like there is nobody to help me and I have to do everything alone.
- ndileas 2y ago
  From this and your other comments life sucks for you right now. There's no magic bullet. Religion might help or it might mess you up worse. Sometimes life sucks for a while then gets better. Keep your head up - find one thing you can still enjoy and savor it.

cudgy 2y ago

Of course, I know nothing about your particular situation, but one strategy is to simplify life as much as you can. This could be lowering living costs by moving and getting rid of expensive habits. Lower overhead can be huge factor in reducing distraction and stress. Other strategies are reducing the number of activities, avoid using phones and other distractions during work periods, avoid social media and political discussion and encourage focus on your goals, setting boundaries with family and friends, saying “no” more often to requests, avoiding triggers that distract you or cause stress, create a dedicated and quiet workspace with few distractions, and generally focus on fewer goals at a time.

dirtybirdnj 2y ago
> focus on fewer goals at a time Beyond this very specific thing, I think its also a struggle with trusting myself. I don't trust myself to finish anything. I can try as hard as I want but my locus of control is completely external. I am tired of being lied to about agency and ability. If it was easy as putting effort in I'd be there already. So I work harder and harder in an effort to MAYBE be enough for society / work etc and I am STILL not enough. How can you believe in yourself when you are the source of all failure, lack of consistency, inability to change or adapt. It's me. I'm the problem. I try to be better but at some point I am just masking who I am, which is a WHOLE other problem that is not mutually exclusive. It's another one of those "can't follow the issue because it's too complicated" problems that's destroying my life. Nobody undertands, everyone tells me I'm not alone (they are wrong) and nobdody has any reasonable or actionable suggestions because nobody I have talked to yet even remotely grasps what I am going through. My therapist is really the only person who gets it. So many times I have tried to do the "right" thing only for it to backfire and make everything worse. It's textbook learned helplessness, but I also have a proverbial textbook of evidence to support my reasons why things won't work. Nobody will listen to me, and then when the thing I tell them won't work FAILS it's my fault for pointing out the laws of physics or nature. I am tired of being the scapegoat for sociopaths and Machiavellian cancer. I accept that I need to accept failure. I am trying, but it's demoralizing and only seems to cause pain not growth. I can usually maintain optimism for a week or more but inevitably the reality of life creeps back in and I can't lie to myself any longer.

BurningFrog 2y ago

Sounds like you need to first make your life less chaotic. This could mean making some hard choices.

oldandboring 2y ago
This is usually possible to some degree but the life circumstances creating the chaos may not be things they can realistically get rid of.
- dirtybirdnj 2y ago
  Nail on the head. Lost wife / family (cat) / house over the summer. Mom in and out of hospital starting in November. I'm a cat locked in the dryer and there are no door handles on the inside.
  - fn-mote 2y ago
    My deepest sympathies. Find a way to spend some time and money on therapy if you can. It will help stop the problem making itself worse.
  - oldandboring 2y ago
    I kinda figured. Sorry bro. No easy answers, unfortunately.