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People you meet later in life - even much later, even when you have a wife and kids - can absolutely come to know “the real you.” (I might describe “closeness o

People you meet later in life - even much later, even when you have a wife and kids - can absolutely come to know “the real you.” (I might describe “closeness of relationships over time” as “asymptotic, with an upper limit” or at least “with diminishing returns,” if we want to get really math-y about something that is not really measurable.) But you have to be open to that, and it also requires a lot of social skills that are not really otherwise demanded (in fact, arguably discouraged) among, particularly, men in developer/software engineering roles. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t maintain relationships with school friends. But, especially if none of them are nearby, you owe it to yourself and your family to build a local community for yourself that’s on that same magnitude of closeness. It’s a process that takes 5-7 years (again, just making up numbers here - this depends on your personality, how far along you are learning social skills, and who’s in your community), but the best time to start is always now.

antisthenes 2y ago
> But you have to be open to that, and it also requires a lot of social skills that are not really otherwise demanded (in fact, arguably discouraged) among, particularly, men in developer/software engineering roles. More than anything, it requires lots of time. Time that busy adults don't have.
gonzo789620 2y ago
Can you elaborate on the social skills that aren't otherwise demanded? I can relate to this a bit, but I feel like I'm only starting to scratch the surface
- bruleecakes 2y ago
  Not being competitive and one upping everyone, being ok with peoples flaws, being honest, being vulnerable, being dependable, not being selfish or self centered, being self reflective… some of these sound obvious but I’m in my 50s have uprooted many times and have always managed to make close friends. I do lament the trail of friends I’ve left around the world, but we are all very similar and scattered as well.
- bluGill 2y ago
  The real problem is most people later in life are full of friends and thus don't really need more. They have and used those social skills in school (including college), but then settled into life and made friends. As one friend moves away they will need a different one, but that doesn't happen often and so they don't need to make friends. It isn't that they are unfriendly, just that they already have a social life as full as they want it.
  - pseudocomposer 2y ago
    A social life is a dynamic, changing thing. "Full" vs. "empty" is an obvious way of measuring it, but I think "stagnant" vs. "dynamic" is a more important metric that we don't take into account as readily. It's quite possible to have a "full" but stagnant social life (which is where I think some older software folks with families are finding themselves). It's also possible to have a dynamic social life without large numbers of people involved. To avoid stagnancy, you always need new friends. This doesn't mean you have to kick others out. It just means accepting the natural flow of friends and relationships in and out of our lives, and accepting that this is something we don't have full control of.

antisthenes 2y ago

> But you have to be open to that, and it also requires a lot of social skills that are not really otherwise demanded (in fact, arguably discouraged) among, particularly, men in developer/software engineering roles. More than anything, it requires lots of time. Time that busy adults don't have.

gonzo789620 2y ago

Can you elaborate on the social skills that aren't otherwise demanded? I can relate to this a bit, but I feel like I'm only starting to scratch the surface

bruleecakes 2y ago
Not being competitive and one upping everyone, being ok with peoples flaws, being honest, being vulnerable, being dependable, not being selfish or self centered, being self reflective… some of these sound obvious but I’m in my 50s have uprooted many times and have always managed to make close friends. I do lament the trail of friends I’ve left around the world, but we are all very similar and scattered as well.
bluGill 2y ago
The real problem is most people later in life are full of friends and thus don't really need more. They have and used those social skills in school (including college), but then settled into life and made friends. As one friend moves away they will need a different one, but that doesn't happen often and so they don't need to make friends. It isn't that they are unfriendly, just that they already have a social life as full as they want it.
- pseudocomposer 2y ago
  A social life is a dynamic, changing thing. "Full" vs. "empty" is an obvious way of measuring it, but I think "stagnant" vs. "dynamic" is a more important metric that we don't take into account as readily. It's quite possible to have a "full" but stagnant social life (which is where I think some older software folks with families are finding themselves). It's also possible to have a dynamic social life without large numbers of people involved. To avoid stagnancy, you always need new friends. This doesn't mean you have to kick others out. It just means accepting the natural flow of friends and relationships in and out of our lives, and accepting that this is something we don't have full control of.