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Weird that the article frames friends as being constant in life and your career/house/neighborhood/kids' schools/community as totally flexible when practically

by paxys 2y ago

Weird that the article frames friends as being constant in life and your career/house/neighborhood/kids' schools/community as totally flexible when practically speaking it's the other way around. It is normal to move away from people you formed bonds with in high school and college. If you are lonely the solution isn't to uproot your life and go after them, but to form new bonds with people who are around you right now. The end result is the same – you get to live near friends.

toomuchtodo 2y ago
https://thehill.com/homenews/4858218-moving-rate-lowest-history/ https://thehill.com/homenews/4858218-moving-rate-lowest-hist... https://www.axios.com/2024/09/01/americans-moving-less-post-pandemic https://www.axios.com/2024/09/01/americans-moving-less-post-... https://themortgagepoint.com/2024/08/20/most-americans-stay-close-to-home-despite-freedom-to-move/ https://themortgagepoint.com/2024/08/20/most-americans-stay-...
ericmcer 2y ago
The article frames this issue with an older person looking back on their life and being glad they maintained lifelong friendships. From a practicality standpoint making a new friend can be easier but it won't have the same spiritual and emotional connection as a lifelong one. If you are 80 a friendship of 60+ years will be something that invokes real satisfaction and lends depth to your life. Being friends with someone from down the street for 6 months doesn't really mean anything.
- nemo 2y ago
  I'm 50-something, lots of the friends I've made in the last one to four years birdwatching are close now. I have old friends from 30 years ago but they're mostly a drain. I've formed new relationships with folks in my Tai Chi class as well. We're very close now, closer than I am with any of my old friends. It might be that for some old friends add extra richness and depth to relationships, but that has not been my experience at all and I'm glad I've found local friends with common interests - I certainly prefer them to people I happened to go to school with. I know some folks from my job from long ago, and seeing old friends is nice, but still I mostly want to talk to the few that I still have some shared interest in common now.
timewizard 2y ago
It's "failure to launch" as a social activity. It seems directed at unburdened youth who do not need to struggle to survive in any way. If friendships are truly the path to the highest levels of wealth then the takeaway should be that learning how to make new friends is the highest of human endeavors as it not only enriches your lives but the lives of those you connect with. Instead they come away with "get your high school friends to pick houses on Zillow together and live an 'enclave.'" Weird indeed.
sanderjd 2y ago
Nailed it. I was going to say that I think more of us should be figuring out how to make connections with the people in the communities we live in. But I do think moving might make sense for lots of people (maybe including me), in order to have a better local community. Instead of moving to be close to past or current friends, I might suggest we should be moving to places where people are like-minded about valuing a tight knit community, then making friends with those people. These places seem to be very few and far between, though, and it's hard (impossible?) to find them on Zillow.
- em-bee 2y ago
  i'd change that to like-minded and valuing a tight knit community. just valuing a tight knit community is not enough, because if i don't fit in with those people than they won't let me join. personally i am going for friendly and tolerant. likeminded people (for me maybe the kind of people that read hackernews) are hard to find, and are a reason for me to prefer big cities.
  - BehindBlueEyes 2y ago
    I believed I needed to befriend like-minded people for the longest time, and only recently did I realize that held me back - my closest friendships now are with not so like minded people and they are more fullfilling and stronger than any since making friends in school. Where did this idea that early friendships are not as good because they weren't formed intentionally with carefully curated people come from? Isn't the fact childhood friendships can endure despite people changing a clue that maybe it is doing things right? I would never become homeless as long as I have my childhood friends, none of my curated friends would let each other move in without a second thought. I've made more new close friends in a year of hangout out with anyone willing to spend time together than I did in the last 5 trying hard to find like minded people.
  - sanderjd 2y ago
    Right there with you!
- mym1990 2y ago
UncleOxidant 2y ago
Agreed. However, it seems that in the US especially it becomes difficult for people to make new friends after we're in our 20s. And probably even harder now than it has been in the past given the increasing preference for isolation. Instead of moving as a solution, we need to focus on helping people figure out how to form longterm friendships at every stage of life.
mym1990 2y ago
Making true, lifelong friends is like planting seeds. People you meet and stay in touch with for the next 20 years will undoubtedly by wonderful friends in time, but people you meet today will not be the same as people you have known for 20 years. Living next to someone I have known for the majority of my life(assuming we are still very close) is very different than living next to someone I have known for 6 months. I understand the idea is that you still live near friends but it is just not the same.
- sojournerc 2y ago
  I draw a different conclusion from your analogy though. One should continue to plant those seeds of friendship wherever you are. Friendship is not zero sum. "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today."
veunes 2y ago
Life has taught me that the most unstable thing in life is social connections (including friendships)
bluGill 2y ago
Most people live where they are many jobs. Most people live close to their parents. They were able to find a job close and so choose that. Generally if you look for a job you can find plenty of them in whatever field you are in. Now jobs are the most common reason to move away. However that is still a minority situation, the majority find a place to live and then a job there. Even when looking for a new job people tend to prefer jobs where they don't have to move.
- the_clarence 2y ago
  Depends where you live. In the US people move for jobs a lot, we studied that aspect of US life in French schools. In France it's common to move to Paris to work once you finish school.
  - BehindBlueEyes 2y ago
    The advantage in France is that friend cohorts are likely moving to Paris roughly at the same time. But moving further out into the suburbs or returning to the province / a city nearer their hometowns to start a family is comparable to the US - just my guesstimate. And as someone else pointed, friends living on the RER or opposite side of Paris might as well live in another city, unless meeting up somewhere halfway instead of at someone's place, but that can quickly get expensive.

by paxys 2y ago

toomuchtodo 2y ago

https://thehill.com/homenews/4858218-moving-rate-lowest-history/ https://thehill.com/homenews/4858218-moving-rate-lowest-hist... https://www.axios.com/2024/09/01/americans-moving-less-post-pandemic https://www.axios.com/2024/09/01/americans-moving-less-post-... https://themortgagepoint.com/2024/08/20/most-americans-stay-close-to-home-despite-freedom-to-move/ https://themortgagepoint.com/2024/08/20/most-americans-stay-...

ericmcer 2y ago

The article frames this issue with an older person looking back on their life and being glad they maintained lifelong friendships. From a practicality standpoint making a new friend can be easier but it won't have the same spiritual and emotional connection as a lifelong one. If you are 80 a friendship of 60+ years will be something that invokes real satisfaction and lends depth to your life. Being friends with someone from down the street for 6 months doesn't really mean anything.

nemo 2y ago
I'm 50-something, lots of the friends I've made in the last one to four years birdwatching are close now. I have old friends from 30 years ago but they're mostly a drain. I've formed new relationships with folks in my Tai Chi class as well. We're very close now, closer than I am with any of my old friends. It might be that for some old friends add extra richness and depth to relationships, but that has not been my experience at all and I'm glad I've found local friends with common interests - I certainly prefer them to people I happened to go to school with. I know some folks from my job from long ago, and seeing old friends is nice, but still I mostly want to talk to the few that I still have some shared interest in common now.

timewizard 2y ago

It's "failure to launch" as a social activity. It seems directed at unburdened youth who do not need to struggle to survive in any way. If friendships are truly the path to the highest levels of wealth then the takeaway should be that learning how to make new friends is the highest of human endeavors as it not only enriches your lives but the lives of those you connect with. Instead they come away with "get your high school friends to pick houses on Zillow together and live an 'enclave.'" Weird indeed.

sanderjd 2y ago

Nailed it. I was going to say that I think more of us should be figuring out how to make connections with the people in the communities we live in. But I do think moving might make sense for lots of people (maybe including me), in order to have a better local community. Instead of moving to be close to past or current friends, I might suggest we should be moving to places where people are like-minded about valuing a tight knit community, then making friends with those people. These places seem to be very few and far between, though, and it's hard (impossible?) to find them on Zillow.

em-bee 2y ago
i'd change that to like-minded and valuing a tight knit community. just valuing a tight knit community is not enough, because if i don't fit in with those people than they won't let me join. personally i am going for friendly and tolerant. likeminded people (for me maybe the kind of people that read hackernews) are hard to find, and are a reason for me to prefer big cities.
- BehindBlueEyes 2y ago
  I believed I needed to befriend like-minded people for the longest time, and only recently did I realize that held me back - my closest friendships now are with not so like minded people and they are more fullfilling and stronger than any since making friends in school. Where did this idea that early friendships are not as good because they weren't formed intentionally with carefully curated people come from? Isn't the fact childhood friendships can endure despite people changing a clue that maybe it is doing things right? I would never become homeless as long as I have my childhood friends, none of my curated friends would let each other move in without a second thought. I've made more new close friends in a year of hangout out with anyone willing to spend time together than I did in the last 5 trying hard to find like minded people.
- sanderjd 2y ago
  Right there with you!
mym1990 2y ago

UncleOxidant 2y ago

Agreed. However, it seems that in the US especially it becomes difficult for people to make new friends after we're in our 20s. And probably even harder now than it has been in the past given the increasing preference for isolation. Instead of moving as a solution, we need to focus on helping people figure out how to form longterm friendships at every stage of life.

mym1990 2y ago

Making true, lifelong friends is like planting seeds. People you meet and stay in touch with for the next 20 years will undoubtedly by wonderful friends in time, but people you meet today will not be the same as people you have known for 20 years. Living next to someone I have known for the majority of my life(assuming we are still very close) is very different than living next to someone I have known for 6 months. I understand the idea is that you still live near friends but it is just not the same.

sojournerc 2y ago
I draw a different conclusion from your analogy though. One should continue to plant those seeds of friendship wherever you are. Friendship is not zero sum. "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today."

veunes 2y ago

Life has taught me that the most unstable thing in life is social connections (including friendships)

bluGill 2y ago

Most people live where they are many jobs. Most people live close to their parents. They were able to find a job close and so choose that. Generally if you look for a job you can find plenty of them in whatever field you are in. Now jobs are the most common reason to move away. However that is still a minority situation, the majority find a place to live and then a job there. Even when looking for a new job people tend to prefer jobs where they don't have to move.

the_clarence 2y ago
Depends where you live. In the US people move for jobs a lot, we studied that aspect of US life in French schools. In France it's common to move to Paris to work once you finish school.
- BehindBlueEyes 2y ago
  The advantage in France is that friend cohorts are likely moving to Paris roughly at the same time. But moving further out into the suburbs or returning to the province / a city nearer their hometowns to start a family is comparable to the US - just my guesstimate. And as someone else pointed, friends living on the RER or opposite side of Paris might as well live in another city, unless meeting up somewhere halfway instead of at someone's place, but that can quickly get expensive.