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I don't want to criticize the post as promotional, because it's the company blog, and it's their job to be talking about themselves. At the same time, I don't t

I don't want to criticize the post as promotional, because it's the company blog, and it's their job to be talking about themselves. At the same time, I don't think it's a real answer to the NY Times article. You're not going to make friends over one dinner. I've gone to a couple GrubWithUs dinners, and they were great. I met interesting people, had interesting conversations, and even made some new acquaintances. I didn't "make friends," though. That's a much different thing, and comes from a different place. The original NY Times article made great points about our changing nature as we mature getting in the way of deep friendships. That's all true, but there are also logistical practicalities. The great friends you make in school or college are people that you saw every day, or at least every week, in class and around campus. You shared groups and activities, whether it was a sport, a band, drama club, your D&D group, whatever. Friendship takes repeated exposure in mundane situations. I've had some great, intense experiences with acquaintances as an adult. A few years ago, I took a cross-country road trip with a guy that I met through a mutual friend. I was writing an article about the Smart Car, and he was my photographer. We drove 4,000 miles over 12 days, and had a great time. We both live in New York, and I even run into him at the occasional show. Without a regular, everyday reason to hang out, though, we just faded into acquaintances. For people who want to have real friendships as adults, maybe what we need is some kind of structure in our lives that more closely resembles what people have earlier in life. For myself, I still have a D&D group, and while I don't want to hang out with everyone all the time, I have made some real and lasting friendships in the group. I'm sure most people could think of some way to find structure and camaraderie on a regular basis. I don't think GrubWithUs really does that, though.

davidw 14y ago
> I didn't "make friends," though. Well, you have to start somewhere, and acquaintances are a first step. My own negative reaction to the article came from the idea of being stuck next to other people at a dinner. I recall one time in Austria being sat across the table from an individual whose idea of a shower was apparently going hiking during the summer rains - and it was February. But hey, I guess everyone tries different things, and you see what works. This is as good as anything.
whichdan 14y ago
Insightful post. I've noticed the same thing by going to Reddit meetups. With the exception of recurring events (like boardgame night) you really only see the "regulars" once a month, so if you miss one meetup, you really lose out on a chance to get to know anyone. That, and despite bars having the right atmosphere for a meetup, it's usually impossible to talk to anyone outside of the 3-4 people directly next to you.
SCdF 14y ago
That's exactly it, the NY Times article wasn't only saying it was hard to meet people, it was saying that it's hard to hold on to people that you meet, because you just don't have the time to spend nurturing a friendship.
luu 14y ago
Just because structures like that are sometimes helpful doesn’t mean that they’re necessary. When I first moved to Austin, I tried a couple of meetups on nights when I had nothing else going on. None of the groups interested me enough to make me go back, but I made friends I still hang out with now, seven years later. If you mean someone you click with, it’s easy to say “let me know next time you go Xing”, if you share a hobby; if not, you can just decide to meet to check out some interesting food cart or restaurant, and then go from there. Is that really so hard to do? I’m incredibly shy, and even I can do that much!
simonsarris 14y ago
> You're not going to make friends over one dinner. ... Friendship takes repeated exposure in mundane situations. I agree... so why not host multiple dinners? On your own? I started hosting my own dinners[1] at my house every Wednesday and it's been fantastic. Really super great. I can't advocate it enough, especially for someone introverted like myself who may not want to go out of his way to interact with new people every day. The people that come to the dinners are people I meet through my roommates, or old friends, or workers at the local cafe (original and ongoing source of roommates too), or their friends. Sometimes we invite acquaintances on an off chance. Neighbors are fair game too. GrubWithUs would just be another "source" of potentially great people. After all if they don't click, you don't have to invite them next week. Another similar event I started was a recurring beer tasting event with the owner of the cafe. This is a completely different crowd, fairly varied in age, but still small enough to be intimate and regular enough to make good acquaintances and bring people together. There have got to be a lot of ways to introduce regularity into your life with acquaintances. Hell, even going to the same cafe regularly can help with that. GrubWithUs may not be good for long term friends, but it does provide a sampling of people that you can in turn invite to your own regular dinners. It's a launch-pad for finding people to invite to your own regular events. [1] Some photos: http://imgur.com/a/X2Zoj http://imgur.com/a/X2Zoj
- kscaldef 14y ago
  I'm glad that hosting dinners has worked well for you, but my experiences attempting the same almost exactly mirrored the descriptions in the NYT article. I.e., long and exhausting back-and-forths trying to find a day that works for all parties. Even trying a fixed day, as you did, didn't work so well, as it became this complicated and frustrating experience of having to "book" someone's Weds weeks in advance and keep track of which of our friends and acquaintances were available when.
  - Willwhatley 14y ago
    I don't do this based on specific people; it's more, "I'm having some friends for supper this Wednesday. You coming?" K.I.S.S.-- this admit's of a binary argument only.
jonnathanson 14y ago
"Friendship takes repeated exposure in mundane situations." Or, in some cases, limited exposure in exciting or trying situations. I have at least one really good friend that I met on a (in retrospect) comically terrible plane flight. I have some close friends I met on a two-week-long backpacking trip, and some that I met on a summer-long volunteering trip. Sometimes, if the initial meeting is very memorable or intense, it can accelerate the process. I can't say for sure whether that's possible at a dinner. Unless it's a truly bizarre and memorable dinner.
- WalterSear 14y ago
  When was the last time you talked to your plane flight friend?
  - jonnathanson 14y ago
    Two days ago.
erifneerg 14y ago
> For myself, I still have a D&D group… Oddity, that's exactly why I started to play D&D (…erg, pathfinder) at age of my life.
- klipt 14y ago
  It's great if you mostly want male friends...
mamoswined 14y ago
> You're not going to make friends over one dinner. ... Friendship takes repeated exposure in mundane situations. I made two friends at a GrubWithUs dinner. I think in today's climate you have to be so much more deliberate and calculating to have friends. You have to treat friendships the same way you treat online dating- meet as many people as possible and make plans with as many of them as you can. Which is really annoying, but otherwise I frankly would have no friends since I work from home and my colleagues are primarily older married men. How I made these friends is I put cool people I met in my contact list and invited them to lots of things I already like to do on a regular basis. I also formed my own supper club that meets once or twice a month. Obviously it doesn't work out with everyone, but it worked out with two so far, which is great. As a woman who works in tech and has always had interests that are primarily shared with men, it has always been hard to me to make female friends, so I'm really grateful for anything that allows me to widen my net. I would say a major obstacle to making friends for me is that at my age people are starting to couple and making their relationships their priority. I have a few friends whose significant others will not like them go anywhere unless they are also invited (and often these significant others are unpleasant people). It is sad to lose these friendships.
- klipt 14y ago
  > I have a few friends whose significant others will not like them go anywhere unless they are also invited (and often these significant others are unpleasant people). It is sad to lose these friendships. Even sadder is that pleasant people should be tied up in relationships with unpleasant ones. How does that happen? Is there a shortage of pleasant people, or does everyone care more about looks/money than kindness?
adavies42 14y ago
> For people who want to have real friendships as adults, maybe what we need is some kind of structure in our lives that more closely resembles what people have earlier in life. If you're willing to dedicate time to a weekly (not monthly, that's not going to work) meetup, that should do it. Otherwise, you're probably stuck with your neighbors and cow-orkers as your only source of new friends....
wallflower 14y ago
> Friendship takes repeated exposure in mundane situations. When I've been over at my sisters and they have their good friends over, they sometimes talk about health issues openly (I feel kind of awkward being there). So I think, in my opinion, friendship involves trust that you can talk about something important to you without feeling that you are risking the friendship. > A few years ago, I took a cross-country road trip with a guy that I met through a mutual friend. Some of my best friends have been friends of friends. I meet someone and later on I meet one of their friends - and we bond quickly. By meeting more people, you geometrically expand your possibilities. Life is random. You're not going to hit it off with everyone - but the more people you "bounce" off of in your social universe - the better chance of a happy collision. Friendships can decay rapidly - but enjoy the times. GrubWithUs brings in some planned serendipity.
chewxy 14y ago
As Simon Sarris mentioned, perhaps a good idea would be to host a dinner party. I'm currently running Strangers for Dinner (http://strangersfordinner.com http://strangersfordinner.com). It's a work in progress. But the idea is simple: host a dinner party for someone who share similar interests, maybe engage your guests in the preparation of a dinner party (that's something we've tried and worked) There is something to the "shared struggle" philosophy of making friends. One of the dinner parties we held, we actually asked our guests to help us make food. I have a very tiny kitchen, and it was difficult to make food with many people in the kitchen. Overcoming this tiny shared struggle, I think we've managed to make friends (of course after the meal we also washed up, and exchanged facebook contacts). It can be done. I mean, during our first dinner party ever (http://blog.strangersfordinner.com/2012/06/field-report-nasi-lemak-dinner-party/ http://blog.strangersfordinner.com/2012/06/field-report-nasi...), we met a journalist. 2 months on, we're working together on creating press releases for SfD and marketing to mummy bloggers. Sometimes it's the power of weak connections that you want to harvest. And through working together, you become better friends. Genuine and real friendships take time. Strangers for Dinner and Grub with Us are merely tools. Use them and use them wisely

davidw 14y ago

> I didn't "make friends," though. Well, you have to start somewhere, and acquaintances are a first step. My own negative reaction to the article came from the idea of being stuck next to other people at a dinner. I recall one time in Austria being sat across the table from an individual whose idea of a shower was apparently going hiking during the summer rains - and it was February. But hey, I guess everyone tries different things, and you see what works. This is as good as anything.

whichdan 14y ago

Insightful post. I've noticed the same thing by going to Reddit meetups. With the exception of recurring events (like boardgame night) you really only see the "regulars" once a month, so if you miss one meetup, you really lose out on a chance to get to know anyone. That, and despite bars having the right atmosphere for a meetup, it's usually impossible to talk to anyone outside of the 3-4 people directly next to you.

SCdF 14y ago

That's exactly it, the NY Times article wasn't only saying it was hard to meet people, it was saying that it's hard to hold on to people that you meet, because you just don't have the time to spend nurturing a friendship.

luu 14y ago

Just because structures like that are sometimes helpful doesn’t mean that they’re necessary. When I first moved to Austin, I tried a couple of meetups on nights when I had nothing else going on. None of the groups interested me enough to make me go back, but I made friends I still hang out with now, seven years later. If you mean someone you click with, it’s easy to say “let me know next time you go Xing”, if you share a hobby; if not, you can just decide to meet to check out some interesting food cart or restaurant, and then go from there. Is that really so hard to do? I’m incredibly shy, and even I can do that much!

simonsarris 14y ago

> You're not going to make friends over one dinner. ... Friendship takes repeated exposure in mundane situations. I agree... so why not host multiple dinners? On your own? I started hosting my own dinners[1] at my house every Wednesday and it's been fantastic. Really super great. I can't advocate it enough, especially for someone introverted like myself who may not want to go out of his way to interact with new people every day. The people that come to the dinners are people I meet through my roommates, or old friends, or workers at the local cafe (original and ongoing source of roommates too), or their friends. Sometimes we invite acquaintances on an off chance. Neighbors are fair game too. GrubWithUs would just be another "source" of potentially great people. After all if they don't click, you don't have to invite them next week. Another similar event I started was a recurring beer tasting event with the owner of the cafe. This is a completely different crowd, fairly varied in age, but still small enough to be intimate and regular enough to make good acquaintances and bring people together. There have got to be a lot of ways to introduce regularity into your life with acquaintances. Hell, even going to the same cafe regularly can help with that. GrubWithUs may not be good for long term friends, but it does provide a sampling of people that you can in turn invite to your own regular dinners. It's a launch-pad for finding people to invite to your own regular events. [1] Some photos: http://imgur.com/a/X2Zoj http://imgur.com/a/X2Zoj

kscaldef 14y ago
I'm glad that hosting dinners has worked well for you, but my experiences attempting the same almost exactly mirrored the descriptions in the NYT article. I.e., long and exhausting back-and-forths trying to find a day that works for all parties. Even trying a fixed day, as you did, didn't work so well, as it became this complicated and frustrating experience of having to "book" someone's Weds weeks in advance and keep track of which of our friends and acquaintances were available when.
- Willwhatley 14y ago
  I don't do this based on specific people; it's more, "I'm having some friends for supper this Wednesday. You coming?" K.I.S.S.-- this admit's of a binary argument only.

jonnathanson 14y ago

"Friendship takes repeated exposure in mundane situations." Or, in some cases, limited exposure in exciting or trying situations. I have at least one really good friend that I met on a (in retrospect) comically terrible plane flight. I have some close friends I met on a two-week-long backpacking trip, and some that I met on a summer-long volunteering trip. Sometimes, if the initial meeting is very memorable or intense, it can accelerate the process. I can't say for sure whether that's possible at a dinner. Unless it's a truly bizarre and memorable dinner.

WalterSear 14y ago
When was the last time you talked to your plane flight friend?
- jonnathanson 14y ago
  Two days ago.

erifneerg 14y ago

> For myself, I still have a D&D group… Oddity, that's exactly why I started to play D&D (…erg, pathfinder) at age of my life.

klipt 14y ago
It's great if you mostly want male friends...

mamoswined 14y ago

> You're not going to make friends over one dinner. ... Friendship takes repeated exposure in mundane situations. I made two friends at a GrubWithUs dinner. I think in today's climate you have to be so much more deliberate and calculating to have friends. You have to treat friendships the same way you treat online dating- meet as many people as possible and make plans with as many of them as you can. Which is really annoying, but otherwise I frankly would have no friends since I work from home and my colleagues are primarily older married men. How I made these friends is I put cool people I met in my contact list and invited them to lots of things I already like to do on a regular basis. I also formed my own supper club that meets once or twice a month. Obviously it doesn't work out with everyone, but it worked out with two so far, which is great. As a woman who works in tech and has always had interests that are primarily shared with men, it has always been hard to me to make female friends, so I'm really grateful for anything that allows me to widen my net. I would say a major obstacle to making friends for me is that at my age people are starting to couple and making their relationships their priority. I have a few friends whose significant others will not like them go anywhere unless they are also invited (and often these significant others are unpleasant people). It is sad to lose these friendships.

klipt 14y ago
> I have a few friends whose significant others will not like them go anywhere unless they are also invited (and often these significant others are unpleasant people). It is sad to lose these friendships. Even sadder is that pleasant people should be tied up in relationships with unpleasant ones. How does that happen? Is there a shortage of pleasant people, or does everyone care more about looks/money than kindness?

adavies42 14y ago

> For people who want to have real friendships as adults, maybe what we need is some kind of structure in our lives that more closely resembles what people have earlier in life. If you're willing to dedicate time to a weekly (not monthly, that's not going to work) meetup, that should do it. Otherwise, you're probably stuck with your neighbors and cow-orkers as your only source of new friends....

wallflower 14y ago

> Friendship takes repeated exposure in mundane situations. When I've been over at my sisters and they have their good friends over, they sometimes talk about health issues openly (I feel kind of awkward being there). So I think, in my opinion, friendship involves trust that you can talk about something important to you without feeling that you are risking the friendship. > A few years ago, I took a cross-country road trip with a guy that I met through a mutual friend. Some of my best friends have been friends of friends. I meet someone and later on I meet one of their friends - and we bond quickly. By meeting more people, you geometrically expand your possibilities. Life is random. You're not going to hit it off with everyone - but the more people you "bounce" off of in your social universe - the better chance of a happy collision. Friendships can decay rapidly - but enjoy the times. GrubWithUs brings in some planned serendipity.

chewxy 14y ago

As Simon Sarris mentioned, perhaps a good idea would be to host a dinner party. I'm currently running Strangers for Dinner (http://strangersfordinner.com http://strangersfordinner.com). It's a work in progress. But the idea is simple: host a dinner party for someone who share similar interests, maybe engage your guests in the preparation of a dinner party (that's something we've tried and worked) There is something to the "shared struggle" philosophy of making friends. One of the dinner parties we held, we actually asked our guests to help us make food. I have a very tiny kitchen, and it was difficult to make food with many people in the kitchen. Overcoming this tiny shared struggle, I think we've managed to make friends (of course after the meal we also washed up, and exchanged facebook contacts). It can be done. I mean, during our first dinner party ever (http://blog.strangersfordinner.com/2012/06/field-report-nasi-lemak-dinner-party/ http://blog.strangersfordinner.com/2012/06/field-report-nasi...), we met a journalist. 2 months on, we're working together on creating press releases for SfD and marketing to mummy bloggers. Sometimes it's the power of weak connections that you want to harvest. And through working together, you become better friends. Genuine and real friendships take time. Strangers for Dinner and Grub with Us are merely tools. Use them and use them wisely