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I regularly say yes to work dinners and such that I don’t personally want to attend. That sort of thing is far outside my comfort zone, and that’s exactly why I

I regularly say yes to work dinners and such that I don’t personally want to attend. That sort of thing is far outside my comfort zone, and that’s exactly why I do it. It’s good exercise to pretend to be outgoing and chatty for an evening. Like any other skill, you get better at it with practice! And the author here is so right: almost everyone else at these things besides the salespeople are probably also introverts. I can promise you that you won’t be the only one there. I never am.

pizza234 2y ago
As a person who was very introvert at social gatherings, and the polar opposite now, I'm now convinced that being extrovert is not a skill or an "area" (outside the comfort zone), but rather a state of mind. It's certainly an art and a science to be a good conversationalist, but being in that certain state of mind is "a lot %" of what's needed, and it actually takes no energy or comfort - although as other state, natural introverts enjoy this state for a certain amount of time. It can also take a lot to "get there", though.
- Workaccount2 2y ago
  The core problem is that introvert/extrovert has little or no bearings on someone's social ability. Introvert/extrovert is the method that people use to recharge their energy. It has nothing to do with social ability despite the terms getting hijacked for that. Signed, an extremely introverted person who talks and interacts a lot in social situations.
  - zeroonetwothree 2y ago
    I don’t think it’s so simple. Brains are complicated and everyone is different.
    - yieldcrv 2y ago
      That’s fine but how people term introvert to be reclusive is inaccurate.
      - kstrauser 2y ago
        I strongly agree with that. I like being around people when I’m not expected to engage with them. I’ll go to a ball game or a crowded holiday mall any time. I like the throngs busily enjoying themselves around me. I’m an introvert but I’m not even a little reclusive.
  - bdangubic 2y ago
    this is like saying you know all about how it is to be an orphan because you read Oliver Twist
    - zdragnar 2y ago
      When I first met one of my friends, I had assumed he was very extroverted from observing him at work. It was only when I really got to know him that he is, in fact, just as introverted as I am, if not more- something he even told me after we got to talking one night. The parent post is correct: extroversion and introversion is about how you feel being in groups, not how you act.
- buran77 2y ago
  > but being in that certain state of mind is "a lot %" of what's needed, and it actually takes no energy or comfort Your mileage may vary but it certainly takes energy to maintain a state of mind which doesn't come naturally to you. This is bound to affect your comfort eventually. Since there are degrees of intro/extroversion, it may be easier for some people to will themselves across that divide. It's like floating on water. Some do it naturally, effortlessly, they even rest and relax while doing it. Others have to flail around under the surface to do it, putting in effort and consuming energy.
  - saghm 2y ago
    This is an important point. Most people who I interact with would probably characterize me as an extrovert because I'm often super talkative and energetic, but the only reason I act like this is because I get time to "recharge" every day by spending time without interacting with anyone (other than my wife, who is the one person that doesn't take "energy" for me to spend time with). Even spending time with close friends and family members is something I need occasional breaks from to maintain my sanity. I often describe this concept to people as a social "battery"; I need time to charge it (almost) every day in order to have anything to spend the next day, but it also can ruin the capacity if I charge it for too long while it's at max. Figuring out the right balance is key, especially when other circumstances can affect how much energy it feels like is expended by socializing (e.g. ambient stress level from other parts of my life.
boogieknite 2y ago
i treat it like exercise or eating salad. i do it because i know its good for me. also noticed that it seems like a lot of people there have the same idea. just like exercise, i dont push it too far. ill take a break. ill excuse myself and say, "i need to cool off" then go outside for a minute. most people seem to get it. maybe the nature of the people i hang out with, but the salespeople type stand out sore-thumb-style and their compliments and shallow conversation often come across as awkward compared to the genuine interest in listening and sharing what we have learned in work or personal life.
zeroonetwothree 2y ago
Ever since I stopped doing this I’ve been much happier. Now that I’m old I don’t feel pressure to conform to social norms, I just do whatever I want. If that means I don’t see anyone else for weeks who cares. In my youth I felt so much pressure to be social and it’s just not what I want to be doing.
- onemoresoop 2y ago
  Pressure to be social is like pressure to stay fit. If you don’t put any effort it atrophies.
  - dyauspitr 2y ago
    If you have a family already what’s the payoff though. I never get any great feelings from social visits, I just do it to be an upstanding member of society and so my daughter has friends.
    - semireg 2y ago
      It might be nice to have a social safety net when you age and your children leave you.
      - dgfitz 2y ago
        Why? What would be nice about it?
        lupire 2y ago
        Not being alone.
        zeroonetwothree 2y ago
        But what if I don't mind being alone? Or even prefer it?
      - 2y ago
fader 2y ago
You might be surprised at how many salespeople are also introverts. Through years of being an (introverted) sales engineer, I've learned that outgoing socialization can be tough even for salespeople. Some of the most successful sales people I've worked with need to go quietly recharge for a day after a ton of meetings, just like I do. The biggest differentiator there is that the ones who can't manage it with a smile don't last long. Relationship building in sales, like all skills, can be learned, even if it's draining.
ethbr1 2y ago
> Like any other skill, you get better at it with practice! Johnny Carson was an introvert. [0] If he could be a professional-calibre conversationalist, then I refuse to believe most introverted people can't at least reach the passable cocktail party level. [0] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson#Personal_life https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson#Personal_life
- compiler-guy 2y ago
  No one is claiming that it can’t be done. Just that introverts don’t like to do it and generally don’t find it worth it.
  - ethbr1 2y ago
    I did and do, and I have several introvert friends who also found it an incredibly useful and fulfilling life skill.
    - compiler-guy 2y ago
      Good for both you and them. But that doesn't mean it is generally true. In fact, enough people in this thread have explained that it isn't (also for them), that at best all we can say is that YMMV.
- andyjohnson0 2y ago
  Introversion is not the same as shyness.
ternnoburn 2y ago
It sounds like you want to attend them. You've clearly laid out the reasons why you find them valuable to you. That's something you "personally want to attend."
skizm 2y ago
New jobs I accept all social invites for the first year to give off the impression that I’m friendly and outgoing and you should totally give me the benefit of the doubt when you’re unconsciously evaluating me as a teammate! Then I start weening myself off social outings, and by end of year two I’ve always got something coming up. Darn! Wish I could make it! I have to keep my worksona turned on 40+ hours per week already, please no more…
- kstrauser 2y ago
  That's just smart career management, is what that is.

pizza234 2y ago

As a person who was very introvert at social gatherings, and the polar opposite now, I'm now convinced that being extrovert is not a skill or an "area" (outside the comfort zone), but rather a state of mind. It's certainly an art and a science to be a good conversationalist, but being in that certain state of mind is "a lot %" of what's needed, and it actually takes no energy or comfort - although as other state, natural introverts enjoy this state for a certain amount of time. It can also take a lot to "get there", though.

Workaccount2 2y ago
The core problem is that introvert/extrovert has little or no bearings on someone's social ability. Introvert/extrovert is the method that people use to recharge their energy. It has nothing to do with social ability despite the terms getting hijacked for that. Signed, an extremely introverted person who talks and interacts a lot in social situations.
- zeroonetwothree 2y ago
  I don’t think it’s so simple. Brains are complicated and everyone is different.
  - yieldcrv 2y ago
    That’s fine but how people term introvert to be reclusive is inaccurate.
    - kstrauser 2y ago
      I strongly agree with that. I like being around people when I’m not expected to engage with them. I’ll go to a ball game or a crowded holiday mall any time. I like the throngs busily enjoying themselves around me. I’m an introvert but I’m not even a little reclusive.
- bdangubic 2y ago
  this is like saying you know all about how it is to be an orphan because you read Oliver Twist
  - zdragnar 2y ago
    When I first met one of my friends, I had assumed he was very extroverted from observing him at work. It was only when I really got to know him that he is, in fact, just as introverted as I am, if not more- something he even told me after we got to talking one night. The parent post is correct: extroversion and introversion is about how you feel being in groups, not how you act.
buran77 2y ago
> but being in that certain state of mind is "a lot %" of what's needed, and it actually takes no energy or comfort Your mileage may vary but it certainly takes energy to maintain a state of mind which doesn't come naturally to you. This is bound to affect your comfort eventually. Since there are degrees of intro/extroversion, it may be easier for some people to will themselves across that divide. It's like floating on water. Some do it naturally, effortlessly, they even rest and relax while doing it. Others have to flail around under the surface to do it, putting in effort and consuming energy.
- saghm 2y ago
  This is an important point. Most people who I interact with would probably characterize me as an extrovert because I'm often super talkative and energetic, but the only reason I act like this is because I get time to "recharge" every day by spending time without interacting with anyone (other than my wife, who is the one person that doesn't take "energy" for me to spend time with). Even spending time with close friends and family members is something I need occasional breaks from to maintain my sanity. I often describe this concept to people as a social "battery"; I need time to charge it (almost) every day in order to have anything to spend the next day, but it also can ruin the capacity if I charge it for too long while it's at max. Figuring out the right balance is key, especially when other circumstances can affect how much energy it feels like is expended by socializing (e.g. ambient stress level from other parts of my life.

boogieknite 2y ago

i treat it like exercise or eating salad. i do it because i know its good for me. also noticed that it seems like a lot of people there have the same idea. just like exercise, i dont push it too far. ill take a break. ill excuse myself and say, "i need to cool off" then go outside for a minute. most people seem to get it. maybe the nature of the people i hang out with, but the salespeople type stand out sore-thumb-style and their compliments and shallow conversation often come across as awkward compared to the genuine interest in listening and sharing what we have learned in work or personal life.

zeroonetwothree 2y ago

Ever since I stopped doing this I’ve been much happier. Now that I’m old I don’t feel pressure to conform to social norms, I just do whatever I want. If that means I don’t see anyone else for weeks who cares. In my youth I felt so much pressure to be social and it’s just not what I want to be doing.

onemoresoop 2y ago
Pressure to be social is like pressure to stay fit. If you don’t put any effort it atrophies.
- dyauspitr 2y ago
  If you have a family already what’s the payoff though. I never get any great feelings from social visits, I just do it to be an upstanding member of society and so my daughter has friends.
  - semireg 2y ago
    It might be nice to have a social safety net when you age and your children leave you.
    - dgfitz 2y ago
      Why? What would be nice about it?
      - lupire 2y ago
        Not being alone.
        zeroonetwothree 2y ago
        But what if I don't mind being alone? Or even prefer it?
    - 2y ago

fader 2y ago

You might be surprised at how many salespeople are also introverts. Through years of being an (introverted) sales engineer, I've learned that outgoing socialization can be tough even for salespeople. Some of the most successful sales people I've worked with need to go quietly recharge for a day after a ton of meetings, just like I do. The biggest differentiator there is that the ones who can't manage it with a smile don't last long. Relationship building in sales, like all skills, can be learned, even if it's draining.

ethbr1 2y ago

> Like any other skill, you get better at it with practice! Johnny Carson was an introvert. [0] If he could be a professional-calibre conversationalist, then I refuse to believe most introverted people can't at least reach the passable cocktail party level. [0] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson#Personal_life https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Carson#Personal_life

compiler-guy 2y ago
No one is claiming that it can’t be done. Just that introverts don’t like to do it and generally don’t find it worth it.
- ethbr1 2y ago
  I did and do, and I have several introvert friends who also found it an incredibly useful and fulfilling life skill.
  - compiler-guy 2y ago
    Good for both you and them. But that doesn't mean it is generally true. In fact, enough people in this thread have explained that it isn't (also for them), that at best all we can say is that YMMV.
andyjohnson0 2y ago
Introversion is not the same as shyness.

ternnoburn 2y ago

It sounds like you want to attend them. You've clearly laid out the reasons why you find them valuable to you. That's something you "personally want to attend."

skizm 2y ago

New jobs I accept all social invites for the first year to give off the impression that I’m friendly and outgoing and you should totally give me the benefit of the doubt when you’re unconsciously evaluating me as a teammate! Then I start weening myself off social outings, and by end of year two I’ve always got something coming up. Darn! Wish I could make it! I have to keep my worksona turned on 40+ hours per week already, please no more…

kstrauser 2y ago
That's just smart career management, is what that is.