4 ms·

> Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. This is basically the "1. Do thing, 2. ???, 3. Profit!" South Park meme. If you're norma

> Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. This is basically the "1. Do thing, 2. ???, 3. Profit!" South Park meme. If you're normal and like to drink a beer while talking about travel, TV, base politics or sportsball, sure it works. But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.

f1shy 2y ago
That is my thinking too. Joining a group of 10 people, maybe with luck I make 1 friend out of it. I’ve done it in the past, with mixed results. My father would roam through different groups, rotary, lions club, church, fathers of my friends… that resulted in a say 1% friendships, which would last from 1 to 3 years. And boy there are dangers there too! Nobody is talking about them! Was I the only one who got a manic hanging every day at my door? I had many experiences where people I didn’t want to be around would stick to me in a stalker way…
- someothherguyy 2y ago
  And those "manics" are excluded as well, while just showing up, trying to make friends. The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this flies in the face of reality. They devolve into self-help for the masses. Human relationships are complex, and there is no easy path to true friendship.
  - throw646577 2y ago
    > The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this flies in the face of reality. The solution I identify in my comments does not fly in the face of reality, because it is how I went from being crushingly lonely and weird in my early 30s to having the kind of friends who (just today) said "are you really doing Christmas by yourself? Fly out to <another country> and come to us, you'd be very welcome", and they absolutely mean it. I'm still someone who lives solo and the covid lockdowns were a difficult, lonely time. But I have friends because I found myself introduced to an event on the fringes of a much bigger social scene, and I decided to turn up more and take an active part in it. You find a thing that is bigger than yourself, whatever it is, you show interest, and you keep turning up. It's not solutionism: it's how friendship starts, for most people. You offer or accept help. You share a task that needs doing. You share an activity that is fun. You expand your personal circle to a dog, and they expand your circle to the owners of other dogs. Whatever. Of course humans are all different, but essentially all the adults at a grown up social group, community project, activism event, regular club, dog park, have something in common: they are adults who want friendship. That may well be the only thing they have in common apart from their interest in some shared endeavour.
    - hex3 2y ago
      [dead]
throw646577 2y ago
> But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on. I am a long way from normal and it worked for me. People genuinely thought I was confident and outgoing simply for turning up and chatting, and eventually it began to be a lot more true. Even if I had to leave earlier than most to find some quiet. Any shared activity that has enough participants has a role for people like us -- helping set up/tear down, organising, making coffees and snacks (the kitchen is an easy place to be), taking photographs, shuttling messages between organisers. Any shared activity has little bubbles of social grouping, fun and friendship around these functional parts. At a music thing: sound engineers, merch tents, collecting donations on the door -- lots of little bubbles of odd people finding their own speed. As long as you take time to relax and enjoy it as well -- I find this part difficult -- then there is a life for you. For me, I was a photographer, I helped with the web and email side, I helped with AV, whatever. I became indispensable. And then I found my people around the edges of it. I struggle again now, post-lockdown-fragmentation and a bout of depression, so I stepped back from active involvement in the same way, but I know my people are out there and they still value me just for turning up. Try not to assume there are "normal people" who want to lock you out. It's cynical, a little rude frankly. It is also a form of fundamental attribution error. Any large social functioning/gathering of adults is a gathering of people who have the same need for adult friendship and connection as you; many of them are lonely at other times. Why else would it even be happening? Side note: as true as the "sportsball" clichés might be, stop thinking that. Never, ever, ever say it out loud. If it's not for you (it isn't for me), so what? Never murder an enthusiasm. It's rude.
tekla 2y ago
Skill issue. As long as you aren't an asshole, very few people actually care. And even if they do smell weirdness on you, why do you care? If you do, you're probably not actually weird as you think you are.
tekla 2y ago
Do you have any curiosity at all about the world around you?

f1shy 2y ago

That is my thinking too. Joining a group of 10 people, maybe with luck I make 1 friend out of it. I’ve done it in the past, with mixed results. My father would roam through different groups, rotary, lions club, church, fathers of my friends… that resulted in a say 1% friendships, which would last from 1 to 3 years. And boy there are dangers there too! Nobody is talking about them! Was I the only one who got a manic hanging every day at my door? I had many experiences where people I didn’t want to be around would stick to me in a stalker way…

someothherguyy 2y ago
And those "manics" are excluded as well, while just showing up, trying to make friends. The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this flies in the face of reality. They devolve into self-help for the masses. Human relationships are complex, and there is no easy path to true friendship.
- throw646577 2y ago
  > The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this flies in the face of reality. The solution I identify in my comments does not fly in the face of reality, because it is how I went from being crushingly lonely and weird in my early 30s to having the kind of friends who (just today) said "are you really doing Christmas by yourself? Fly out to <another country> and come to us, you'd be very welcome", and they absolutely mean it. I'm still someone who lives solo and the covid lockdowns were a difficult, lonely time. But I have friends because I found myself introduced to an event on the fringes of a much bigger social scene, and I decided to turn up more and take an active part in it. You find a thing that is bigger than yourself, whatever it is, you show interest, and you keep turning up. It's not solutionism: it's how friendship starts, for most people. You offer or accept help. You share a task that needs doing. You share an activity that is fun. You expand your personal circle to a dog, and they expand your circle to the owners of other dogs. Whatever. Of course humans are all different, but essentially all the adults at a grown up social group, community project, activism event, regular club, dog park, have something in common: they are adults who want friendship. That may well be the only thing they have in common apart from their interest in some shared endeavour.
  - hex3 2y ago
    [dead]

throw646577 2y ago

> But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on. I am a long way from normal and it worked for me. People genuinely thought I was confident and outgoing simply for turning up and chatting, and eventually it began to be a lot more true. Even if I had to leave earlier than most to find some quiet. Any shared activity that has enough participants has a role for people like us -- helping set up/tear down, organising, making coffees and snacks (the kitchen is an easy place to be), taking photographs, shuttling messages between organisers. Any shared activity has little bubbles of social grouping, fun and friendship around these functional parts. At a music thing: sound engineers, merch tents, collecting donations on the door -- lots of little bubbles of odd people finding their own speed. As long as you take time to relax and enjoy it as well -- I find this part difficult -- then there is a life for you. For me, I was a photographer, I helped with the web and email side, I helped with AV, whatever. I became indispensable. And then I found my people around the edges of it. I struggle again now, post-lockdown-fragmentation and a bout of depression, so I stepped back from active involvement in the same way, but I know my people are out there and they still value me just for turning up. Try not to assume there are "normal people" who want to lock you out. It's cynical, a little rude frankly. It is also a form of fundamental attribution error. Any large social functioning/gathering of adults is a gathering of people who have the same need for adult friendship and connection as you; many of them are lonely at other times. Why else would it even be happening? Side note: as true as the "sportsball" clichés might be, stop thinking that. Never, ever, ever say it out loud. If it's not for you (it isn't for me), so what? Never murder an enthusiasm. It's rude.

tekla 2y ago

Skill issue. As long as you aren't an asshole, very few people actually care. And even if they do smell weirdness on you, why do you care? If you do, you're probably not actually weird as you think you are.

tekla 2y ago

Do you have any curiosity at all about the world around you?