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> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mi

by m0th87 14y ago

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. Whoa. I would never want to be acquaintances with this person. And yet that's not too far off from what I - and I think most people - are doing. Sure, I don't have a scale. But I'm sizing people up. If I had that cynical, narrow-minded approach back in high school, I don't think I'd have the life-long friends I have now. I'm working on shutting that inner voice up, but I think it's something that slowly creeps in over time. But that's just part of the problem - the other is that, especially with big moves, there's no obvious support structure for making new friends. Having moved across the country a few months ago, I'm still trying to figure this one out. Any idea HNers?

deleted 14y ago
[deleted]
Timothee 14y ago
"Whoa. I would never want to be acquaintances with this person." Thinking of specific numbers is very cynical indeed, but I agree with the point made though. For example, there's a former colleague I've had a few lunches with, every 3-6 months or so, since the startup we were working at folded. We clicked well when working together and we enjoyed talking about ideas. However, during the past few lunches, I've been more and more annoyed at the fact that he's been mostly interested in talking about his own stuff, not caring at all about mine. (granted, I've wondered if I could be just like him, since I want to talk about my stuff… :)) Overtime, I realized that I won't be seeking lunches with him anymore. So unconsciously, every bad interaction kind of knocked some points off. Friendship is really like any kind of relationship: you're expected to give and to receive. If it goes only one way, it will eventually stop going any way at all.
- jkbyc 14y ago
  >Friendship is really like any kind of relationship: you're expected to give and to receive. If it goes only one way, it will eventually stop going any way at all. The whole area of transactional psychology is based on that idea. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis
PakG1 14y ago
When I read this, I honestly wasn't taken aback by it. Rather, it seemed to me a pragmatic realization that often, our friendships are self-selecting. If someone doesn't call you back, you naturally won't get closer to them. If someone does call you back, you probably will naturally get closer.
- gcr 14y ago
  I guess so, but is there really a need to explicitly quantify that? What purpose could such thinking have?
  - msellout 14y ago
    Ever use numbers to help you make a decision? Enjoy rhetorical questions?
awj 14y ago
> Having moved across the country a few months ago, I'm still trying to figure this one out. Any idea HNers? Take up a hobby, more or less unrelated to what you do for a living. Maybe it's rowing or rock climbing or fencing or writing. Find something you think you'll enjoy that draws in people from all walks of life. I think it's especially important now, when the only thing in your life is your work, to avoid trying to make friends there. In my mind deep friendships start with sharing personal things, which starts from sharing everyday things. Someone you're around all the time will share just enough experiences that you won't be able to talk long enough to open up.

by m0th87 14y ago

deleted 14y ago

[deleted]

Timothee 14y ago

"Whoa. I would never want to be acquaintances with this person." Thinking of specific numbers is very cynical indeed, but I agree with the point made though. For example, there's a former colleague I've had a few lunches with, every 3-6 months or so, since the startup we were working at folded. We clicked well when working together and we enjoyed talking about ideas. However, during the past few lunches, I've been more and more annoyed at the fact that he's been mostly interested in talking about his own stuff, not caring at all about mine. (granted, I've wondered if I could be just like him, since I want to talk about my stuff… :)) Overtime, I realized that I won't be seeking lunches with him anymore. So unconsciously, every bad interaction kind of knocked some points off. Friendship is really like any kind of relationship: you're expected to give and to receive. If it goes only one way, it will eventually stop going any way at all.

jkbyc 14y ago
>Friendship is really like any kind of relationship: you're expected to give and to receive. If it goes only one way, it will eventually stop going any way at all. The whole area of transactional psychology is based on that idea. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

PakG1 14y ago

When I read this, I honestly wasn't taken aback by it. Rather, it seemed to me a pragmatic realization that often, our friendships are self-selecting. If someone doesn't call you back, you naturally won't get closer to them. If someone does call you back, you probably will naturally get closer.

gcr 14y ago
I guess so, but is there really a need to explicitly quantify that? What purpose could such thinking have?
- msellout 14y ago
  Ever use numbers to help you make a decision? Enjoy rhetorical questions?

awj 14y ago

> Having moved across the country a few months ago, I'm still trying to figure this one out. Any idea HNers? Take up a hobby, more or less unrelated to what you do for a living. Maybe it's rowing or rock climbing or fencing or writing. Find something you think you'll enjoy that draws in people from all walks of life. I think it's especially important now, when the only thing in your life is your work, to avoid trying to make friends there. In my mind deep friendships start with sharing personal things, which starts from sharing everyday things. Someone you're around all the time will share just enough experiences that you won't be able to talk long enough to open up.