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I don’t think the author is saying this is their opinion but this sentence stood out to me: Monogamy is coercive. For a lifestyle that tries to sound “open,”

I don’t think the author is saying this is their opinion but this sentence stood out to me: Monogamy is coercive. For a lifestyle that tries to sound “open,” this is an incredibly judgemental view to take on the many people who don’t live your lifestyle. Some of this attitude reminds me of hearing “nobody cares if you’re not tattooed” in my tooth, from tattooed people. Right before insisting I should get a tattoo to be like them. To be clear, I don’t care what 2, 3 or 30 consenting adults do in their personal lives. I wonder if the negative view of monogamy is just the immaturity of youth and those people have since grown out of that position?

phoe-krk 2y ago
> I wonder if the negative view of monogamy is just the immaturity of youth and those people have since grown out of that position? There are powerful entities, including religions and country laws, that either make life easier for people pratcicing the monogamous relationship style or just outright force that style on masses of people. This force spawns resistance, and the negative view you mention is an expression of this resistance.
- t-writescode 2y ago
  And it's worth adding that the comment "Monogamy is coercive." is a reflection of this part: > There are powerful entities, including religions and country laws, that [...] just outright force that style on masses of people.
  - BitterCritter 2y ago
    I think we are conflating two different things. Monogamous people and monogamous institutions. Does the author mean institutions are coercive or that couples are coercive?
    - t-writescode 2y ago
      Almost certainly Both! Systemic, indoctrinated and even toxic monogamy, perpetuated by people and society at large. You've got people and relationships that are so harmed by strict heteronormativity and its related monogamy that "men and women can't be friends" and "you can't say that lady's cute because that's cheating" and pornography is adultery. It's little microaggressions and requirements of conformity that systematize and enforce monogamy in little ways.
      - deleted 2y ago
        [deleted]
      - lazide 2y ago
        It doesn’t matter what system, society will ruin anything it enforces. Everything has pros and cons. Imagine the same system enforcing poly. You’d have mandatory partner sharing to those in power, all sorts of requirements and gate keeping for who could and could not share, or be part of various cliques, etc. For sure, anyone pretty or desirable would be expected to be poly and like it or else, etc. The reality is that system would fly apart even faster than monogamous systems since there is no meaningful way to ‘opt out’ and protect oneself, which is why you don’t see it in any large scale societies.
ajkjk 2y ago
The author of the post was quoting a book as saying that, and criticizing the book at the same time, so it sounds like you're more or less agreeing with them.
wakawaka28 2y ago
>To be clear, I don’t care what 2, 3 or 30 consenting adults do in their personal lives. I wonder if the negative view of monogamy is just the immaturity of youth and those people have since grown out of that position? The negative view of monogamy that these people convey is an attempt to justify their lifestyle to people who don't like it, or to recruit more people to their lifestyle. One could argue that both monogamy and nonmonogamy have selfish aspects, but monogamy has proven more successful as a strategy for human society. Of course polyamorous people would debate that with you, but the disadvantages of polyamory are so obvious that it isn't easy to justify.
- amanaplanacanal 2y ago
  The disadvantages of polyamory are not obvious to me, as a 67 year who has been married twice and swore it off after the last one ended.
  - moralestapia 2y ago
    Could you elaborate more on this? In a non-esoteric way.
  - wakawaka28 2y ago
    Some obvious risks are: higher chances of STDs, higher chances of strangers causing trouble for you in your home, more difficulties having kids (from paternity issues to differences in values like poly people don't often want kids), and a higher risk of losing your partner. You would probably be better off paying for a prostitute than trying to make polyamory work with all its inherent drama and complications. You still have to worry about STDs but at least you can walk away from any and all other trouble.
    - amanaplanacanal 2y ago
      STDs aren't a mystery, we know how to avoid them. I actually invited more strangers into my home back when I was monogamous, honestly, but I'm not sure what that has to do with polyamory. Monogamous people lose their partners all the time, have you seen the divorce rates? None of what you are suggesting matches my experience.
01HNNWZ0MV43FF 2y ago
The negative view of monogamy is the Internet amplifying the most controversial "hot take" because it gets more clicks than "Do what thou will". I was monogamous with my wife for about 8 years and I loved her and I think I still love her even though we broke up and probably won't be together again romantically ever. I would say that monogamy, right now, is _not for me_. I just crave adventure, I'm a contrarian, I want more out of life than the standard, I want to sleep around. The revealed preference is that I want every aspect of my life to be "different" whether that's desktop Linux, veganism, changing my gender, etc. If I had left that marriage and got into another monogamous relationship, in a few months I'd be wanting to date other people again.

phoe-krk 2y ago

> I wonder if the negative view of monogamy is just the immaturity of youth and those people have since grown out of that position? There are powerful entities, including religions and country laws, that either make life easier for people pratcicing the monogamous relationship style or just outright force that style on masses of people. This force spawns resistance, and the negative view you mention is an expression of this resistance.

t-writescode 2y ago
And it's worth adding that the comment "Monogamy is coercive." is a reflection of this part: > There are powerful entities, including religions and country laws, that [...] just outright force that style on masses of people.
- BitterCritter 2y ago
  I think we are conflating two different things. Monogamous people and monogamous institutions. Does the author mean institutions are coercive or that couples are coercive?
  - t-writescode 2y ago
    Almost certainly Both! Systemic, indoctrinated and even toxic monogamy, perpetuated by people and society at large. You've got people and relationships that are so harmed by strict heteronormativity and its related monogamy that "men and women can't be friends" and "you can't say that lady's cute because that's cheating" and pornography is adultery. It's little microaggressions and requirements of conformity that systematize and enforce monogamy in little ways.
    - deleted 2y ago
      [deleted]
    - lazide 2y ago
      It doesn’t matter what system, society will ruin anything it enforces. Everything has pros and cons. Imagine the same system enforcing poly. You’d have mandatory partner sharing to those in power, all sorts of requirements and gate keeping for who could and could not share, or be part of various cliques, etc. For sure, anyone pretty or desirable would be expected to be poly and like it or else, etc. The reality is that system would fly apart even faster than monogamous systems since there is no meaningful way to ‘opt out’ and protect oneself, which is why you don’t see it in any large scale societies.

ajkjk 2y ago

The author of the post was quoting a book as saying that, and criticizing the book at the same time, so it sounds like you're more or less agreeing with them.

wakawaka28 2y ago

>To be clear, I don’t care what 2, 3 or 30 consenting adults do in their personal lives. I wonder if the negative view of monogamy is just the immaturity of youth and those people have since grown out of that position? The negative view of monogamy that these people convey is an attempt to justify their lifestyle to people who don't like it, or to recruit more people to their lifestyle. One could argue that both monogamy and nonmonogamy have selfish aspects, but monogamy has proven more successful as a strategy for human society. Of course polyamorous people would debate that with you, but the disadvantages of polyamory are so obvious that it isn't easy to justify.

amanaplanacanal 2y ago
The disadvantages of polyamory are not obvious to me, as a 67 year who has been married twice and swore it off after the last one ended.
- moralestapia 2y ago
  Could you elaborate more on this? In a non-esoteric way.
- wakawaka28 2y ago
  Some obvious risks are: higher chances of STDs, higher chances of strangers causing trouble for you in your home, more difficulties having kids (from paternity issues to differences in values like poly people don't often want kids), and a higher risk of losing your partner. You would probably be better off paying for a prostitute than trying to make polyamory work with all its inherent drama and complications. You still have to worry about STDs but at least you can walk away from any and all other trouble.
  - amanaplanacanal 2y ago
    STDs aren't a mystery, we know how to avoid them. I actually invited more strangers into my home back when I was monogamous, honestly, but I'm not sure what that has to do with polyamory. Monogamous people lose their partners all the time, have you seen the divorce rates? None of what you are suggesting matches my experience.

01HNNWZ0MV43FF 2y ago

The negative view of monogamy is the Internet amplifying the most controversial "hot take" because it gets more clicks than "Do what thou will". I was monogamous with my wife for about 8 years and I loved her and I think I still love her even though we broke up and probably won't be together again romantically ever. I would say that monogamy, right now, is _not for me_. I just crave adventure, I'm a contrarian, I want more out of life than the standard, I want to sleep around. The revealed preference is that I want every aspect of my life to be "different" whether that's desktop Linux, veganism, changing my gender, etc. If I had left that marriage and got into another monogamous relationship, in a few months I'd be wanting to date other people again.