4 ms·
There is one issue that I have with this article and most discussions around polyamory. That is mixing in open relationships and poly. There is a massive differ
by nerdjon 2y ago
There is one issue that I have with this article and most discussions around polyamory. That is mixing in open relationships and poly. There is a massive difference between, you can do whatever sexually you want and dating other people. There is an emotional difference.
Myself, I am in an open relationship but I know that what I consider poly is a line I do not wish to cross. I know that just it is not for me. I don't consider myself poly. (To be very clear, this is not a judgement on being poly. I have several poly friends. I just don't know why we group all of them together)
Mixing these has made having discussions with some people more difficult. So I am not really sure why we are grouping all... non traditional relationship structures into poly.
That all aside. I find whenever this topic comes up to be quite interesting. I don't live in SF but I am a gay man. I know very few gay couples that are not at least "door ajar" as I have heard a few explain it. I have had a few people ask me why I am open, and honestly I don't like that question. To me the better question is, "why not?". And you may have a valid reason, maybe you are a very jealous person, maybe you just don't want too and thats perfectly valid.
But to me this boils down the problem isn't monogamy, being open, poly, or however you want to define your relationship (or lack of one). The problem is the assumption of monogamy. Not ever having that discussion, and honestly having the discussion without jumping to doing something because you think it's the way you are supposed too.
I do find some of the numbers presented here to be interesting, particularly the divide between men and woman. But I honestly can't really speak on that since I don't really have much exposure to this world outside of the LGBT world.
- spondylosaurus 2y agoThe poly vs open distinction is interesting because (anecdotally) I see some variation there between gay and lesbian relationships—it seems like gay dudes are more likely to be in a door-ajar couple, whereas the throuples I know are usually groups of lesbians! Conversely, I don't see many poly gay dudes or door-ajar lesbian couples, and lesbians might be more monogamous on average.
- nerdjon 2y ago> I don't see many poly gay dudes From my experience. I only know a few poly gay men. I know far more gay couples in open relationships that have similar lines that I do when it comes to anything beyond that. I mean, for sure those lines get blurry. Things that you may traditionally associate with dating like cuddling on the couch at a party (just a party, not anything more) or similar things. But, there is still that line. I do wonder why that seems to be the case. I am reluctant to get into stereotypes to explain it...
- spondylosaurus 2y agoThis can't be the whole story, but probably significant that gay hookup apps are light-years ahead of lesbian hookup apps :P
- ted_bunny 2y agoSounds like you haven't heard of UHauling. It's a trope that many lesbians are highly relationship oriented and things get serious really quickly.
- spondylosaurus 2y agoOh, I've heard of it... and have even been accused of doing it, lol. But I'm not sure it counts as u-hauling if you talk about marriage within the first month and then take another decade to tie the knot :P
- aziaziazi 2y agoI didn’t, and didn’t even know those behaviors. Discovered two staple of LGBT humour that are great, hope it doesn’t sound rambling for those who know it: Question: What does a lesbian bring on a second date? Answer: A U-Haul. —— Question: What does a gay man bring on a second date? Answer: What second date
- kyletns 2y agoDef agree that consensual non-monogamy (CNM) != polyamory, and there's a loottt of confusion out there around that distinction (and in this article and this HN thread, too). I might be poly for the right people at the right time, but I'm not currently. However, I'm definitely CNM for life because all I want is to talk it out! Well, that, and occasionally hook up with other people
- choina 2y ago[flagged]
- Gud 2y agoJohn 8:7-11
- choina 2y ago[flagged]
- defrost 2y agoEzekiel 23:20
- 082349872349872 2y ago> "And the names of them were Aholah the elder, and Aholibah her sister; and they always filled their ballrooms; the event was never small. Yea, for unto the records of the temple, they had the biggest balls of all." —Ez/Dz 60:9
- octopoc 2y agoThe modern gay lifestyle harkens directly back to Jewish communities at the time of Christ, almost completely unchanged. Yet Jesus never condemned them.
- theasisa 2y agoI think poly is kind of an umbrella term right now for a lot of different kinds of "multiple partners" type relationships. I am ENM (ethically non-monogamous) but if you're not familiar with the term (and most people aren't) saying poly is much easier. It is a bit like saying LGBT and including all the things that fit under the umbrella but aren't lesbian, gay, bi or trans.
- NautilusWave 2y agoIt's not a very good umbrella term, the term itself implies a relationship structure where an individual is in multiple, involved intimate relationships. A couple in an open relationship where one or both partners engage in dalliances doesn't fall under that umbrella.
- rini17 2y agoIt's posible to draw such clear line? Surely, it's rather easy to convince oneself you have all your relationships nicely compartmentalized..till reality does otherwise.
- e40 2y agoWhat does “door ajar” mean? I have seen several references to it but no definition.
- ilrwbwrkhv 2y agoThey can pork other people if they want to.
- NautilusWave 2y agoI imagine it's like an open relationship with more rules around when and how one engages in outside activities.
- trogdor 2y agoThe door is not wide open to potential partners, but it’s also not closed —> door ajar.
- pdimitar 2y agoThanks for the explanation, it helped, but I still have no clue where does the "ajar" thing come from, letter for letter.
- mywittyname 2y agoAjar, to mean, slightly open. So, not a open door (anyone), not a revolving door (everyone), and not a closed door (no one). It's a bit of a contrived term and there's not much to read into it. It's like how "hitting a home run" is slang for getting laid, and rounding the bases was an associated metaphor that evolved from it; they only make sense by the association with the original metaphor.
- pdimitar 2y ago...Oh, it's an actual English word, I didn't know and now I am embarrassed. Should have checked the dictionary. Thank you!
- 2y ago
- tastesPrpl 2y ago[dead]
- siva7 2y agoThey are often times grouped together because the people writing this blogs, articles, newspapers were never in a poly relation and have no clue about the topic they are writing (but of course they have an opinion without the experience and think it's ok to sell an opinion or morale piece as more than it is).
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- spott 2y agoThat is kinda cutting the line a little fine I think. How does one move from a monogamous relationship to a poly relationship except through an open relationship?