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I once ran a stop sign, and nearly hit a car. They pulled up next to me, rolled down their window (I had stopped at my home) and were about to unleash who knows

I once ran a stop sign, and nearly hit a car. They pulled up next to me, rolled down their window (I had stopped at my home) and were about to unleash who knows what kinds of profanities at me, and I just said "That was totally my fault. I didn't see the stop sign. I'm sorry." They stopped dead in their tracks, shrugged and nodded, and left. Owning mistakes is an extremely powerful tool when used correctly.

ToucanLoucan 2y ago
I really wish this wasn't the shocking revelation it is, but holy fuck, a ton of people just refuse to do this. I've done it all my life, personal and professional. I will (not happily, but I will) explain how I fucked up, and why. But similar to your experience, this catches people completely off guard. They don't expect it and I know why, because in my interactions in turn with people who also, categorically, fucked up: they will NEVER admit it. Most people will die on the hill of not just owning a simple fucking mistake and it's so bonkers to witness. Like... it's fine. You're human. You made a human error. Just like... acknowledge it so we can get on with whatever?
- jaredhallen 2y ago
  Heck, I'll do it happily. I don't enjoy screwing up, but owning your mistakes is the first step to improvement.
- feurio 2y ago
  I can't think of many better ways to demonstrate to your colleagues and corporate overlords that you are worthy of their trust than to readily hold up your hands if you've screwed up. So long as you're not so incompetent that you're repeatedly doing stupid stuff or cynically causing issues so that you can make yourself look virtuous by owning up, of course.
  - ricksunny 2y ago
    In corporate context, admitting exernally-facing liability too easily violates executives' fiduciary responsibility to shareholders. For incentives aligning, need to figure out how to unravel that beasty.
    - ocdtrekkie 2y ago
      On the contrary, I think it can be sold as a PR win: Think about how many companies torch customer goodwill by making a bad decision and then doubling and tripling down on it for months (before backpedaling and losing a ton of customers anyways).
      - TeMPOraL 2y ago
        I don't know, but I'd hazard a guess: not many? Or rather, plenty do, but they don't lose much customers - any company worth their salt is positioned to screw over their users, unintentionally or otherwise, with little to no consequences to its business.
        ricksunny 2y ago
        Unfortunate but true.
- ipython 2y ago
  It’s so refreshing when people do this and it totally disarms most people who are angry with you. I also find it effective when talking to people that may not be angry at me specifically, but angry at the company I work for. I may not have written the code that fucked up, but I certainly can apologize on behalf of the company and empathize with the user. I’ve found when I do this I’m able to quickly get to a solution rather than degrade further into finger pointing.
  - cm11 2y ago
    Fwiw, I don't see "disarming" as a particular goal or win. It's neutral maybe. It might even be a bit unjust if we think the aggrieved is owed some form of recompense. I guess my framing of these things goes something like: * Person A made an error that made things worse for Person B * A sorta owes B now. Could be A making up for the error—like if A knocked over B's coffee, A could get them a new one. Or another, perhaps disagreeable, sorta justice is B now getting to do something back to A—like B knocking over A's coffee, or just cursing at A for a bit. * These things would put them back to even. I feel several comments are thinking of "owning the mistake" primarily as a tool to neutralize B's ability to get back to even. This, rather than owning it to take responsibility or just because it's honest. Saying we're "owning our mistake" is not owning our mistake. The point is to know you were in the wrong—whether that's by introspecting on it, having to buy an extra coffee that day, or getting cursed at.
    - kelnos 2y ago
      I think maybe you're thinking it in the wrong way? If A immediately owns up and apologizes, B not getting into a frenzy of swear words is not only good for A, but it's good for B, too (unnecessary stress and getting-worked-up is probably not really good for us!). Clearly if they were still upset (despite the apology), they might still feel the need to yell and vent a bit, and if they do, perhaps they will. But if they don't, then likely the acknowledgement of fault and apology has been appreciated, and B has gotten out of it what they need to. For something like knocking over a coffee, certainly, the knocker owes the knockee a new coffee, and acknowledging fault and apologizing is the first step to getting there. (B retaliating by knocking over A's coffee is always going to be unproductive and childish, even if A is unrepentant and rude about it.) I agree that just saying that you own your mistake isn't enough; owning it means doing the best you can to make amends. But sometimes the person you wronged is fine with just an acknowledgement and an apology. For example, if someone knocked over my coffee, and it seemed like a genuine mistake (that is, it wasn't because the person was being careless or negligent), I probably would accept an apology but decline a new coffee. The apology would be enough for me. Not saying that it would be for everyone, but people are different.
- D-Coder 2y ago
  Being a programmer has made this a lot easier for me. The average line of code that I type has three typos and one syntax error, so I'm accustomed to making mistakes (and fixing them).
- rendx 2y ago
  Typically such people were punished severely for admitting mistakes as a child, while lying about it and pretending nothing happened was "fine" and got them off the hook.
wkat4242 2y ago
Also, aviation accident investigations aren't really about blame but about future prevention. Even if the outcome is pilot error, it's more about preventing how this error happened in the future than to punish the pilot. Because nobody (well.. almost nobody, think GermanWings) does this on purpose. Either training, information overload, disorientation etc. And also the cooperation of the pilots is paramount. That doesn't really work if they're getting themselves in trouble. Having said that I don't think a current NTSB investigation would take "i f--ed up" for an answer. They'd want to know why and how. But those were very different times.
- deepsun 2y ago
  Also it's extremely rare to find no pilot error. The regulations broadly say "pilot must get acquaintanced with all aspects regarding flight safety" intentionally, so pilot could not say "I didn't know" -- must have known.
  - adastra22 2y ago
    But sometimes the pilot followed correct procedure, and the correct procedure was to blame. In those instances the procedure is changed.
    - wkat4242 2y ago
      Yes or the correct procedure was not correctly written up in the flight manual, not trained on, too hard to find in a pinch etc. Or the situation was so complex it was hard to identify which procedure applied.
  - wkat4242 2y ago
    True but these days it's very very hard to know everything actively. There's just so very much. It's understandable when a pilot forgets about that one obscure button that's only used in some edge case only happening on one in 100.000 flights. These days being a pilot is a lot like being a system engineer especially since the dedicated flight engineer position is gone. Yet also requiring the spatial awareness and manual skills of flying. I'm often surprised how well it still goes with the complexity of modern aircraft.
potato3732842 2y ago
Was it the apology that affected the decision or did rolling down the window reveal demographic information that make it easier for them to justify in their mind going easy on you? For example nobody except another old lady is gonna scream at an old lady. Edit: Some of you seem to have missed the point about human nature here.
- mu53 2y ago
  chill with the -isms. Watch youtube to see how crazy some people are - 6'0, 30s guy that has had many old lady scream at me due to temper tantrums
  - potato3732842 2y ago
    >6'0, 30s guy that has had many old lady scream at me due to temper tantrums Exactly. They don't hold you to a lower standard. If it was a teenager they might've cut some slack. Most people will cut an elderly person or a person who's very outnumbered by kids in the car a little slack. Etc, Etc. So perhaps that person in the other car looked at you and decided for whatever reason you deserved to be held to a lower standard than they project upon everyone if no other information is available.
    - geocrasher 2y ago
      He didn't hold me to a lower standard. He accepted my apology.
TheSpiceIsLife 2y ago
One thing a like about getting older is the increasing frequency of reminiscing. I used to cycle commute to work. This one time I caused a guy to miss a gap in traffic, wasn’t something I was trying to do, just the timing worked out that way. I saw him starting to curse, I don’t think it was directed at me, but I blew him a kiss anyway. The cursing transformed immediately to a bust of laughter from both of us, I think made his day.
- geocrasher 2y ago
  I also cycle commuted for 3 years, year round, in my late 20's and early 30's. It was the best. I miss it.
- kelnos 2y ago
  It's funny, because depending on the location/culture/etc. of the incident, I could see the blown kiss making the guy even more angry (assuming he was indeed cursing at you). Good on him (and you) for handling it gracefully.
cm11 2y ago
The extremely powerful part imo is what it implies about the person owning the mistake and how they might change future behavior because of it. I think it's less about the effect it had on the other person, who as you point out was entitled to anger and low expectations of you. Can it (powerfully) de-escalate things relative to how these situations often play out? Yes, but if the goal of owning mistakes becomes about minimizing the consequences you face for them, it seems more meh. If it's to recognize mistakes and be accountable (particularly to yourself), it seems more powerful. I worry a bit about the "when used correctly" part because it suggests only owning mistakes sometimes, but it could be read many ways.
- Jarwain 2y ago
  I imagine there are situations where, while internally owning the mistake is Important, it can be harmful to own it in front of "stakeholders"
- geocrasher 2y ago
  Perhaps I should have said "When used genuinely"
lukan 2y ago
You didn't see the stop sign on the road by your house? Did you forgot it existed, or was it a not completely honest apology?
- moralestapia 2y ago
  "Are you not a perfect sentient entity?"
  - lukan 2y ago
    Nope, that is why I asked if he also simply forgot it and not assumed evil.
    - moralestapia 2y ago
      >or was it a not completely honest apology? k
- geocrasher 2y ago
  Oh it was completely honest! Really! For some reason my brain just didn't see that stop sign, on multiple occasions. Yes, literally on the opposite corner from where I lived. Brains are weird.
ravenstine 2y ago
> Owning mistakes is an extremely powerful tool when used correctly. Truthfully, I believe I have this attitude to thank for why I've never been fired as a software engineer. I'm not stupid, but I have a pattern of making mistakes that goes way back to childhood. I can mitigate it but probably will never reach a normal error rate. Any time I cause a problem, no matter how severe, I just own it and make sure anyone affected or involved in mitigation gets their due credit. There is just no sense in pretending a spade isn't a spade when there is a learning opportunity to be had, or making an already tense situation worse.

ToucanLoucan 2y ago

I really wish this wasn't the shocking revelation it is, but holy fuck, a ton of people just refuse to do this. I've done it all my life, personal and professional. I will (not happily, but I will) explain how I fucked up, and why. But similar to your experience, this catches people completely off guard. They don't expect it and I know why, because in my interactions in turn with people who also, categorically, fucked up: they will NEVER admit it. Most people will die on the hill of not just owning a simple fucking mistake and it's so bonkers to witness. Like... it's fine. You're human. You made a human error. Just like... acknowledge it so we can get on with whatever?

jaredhallen 2y ago
Heck, I'll do it happily. I don't enjoy screwing up, but owning your mistakes is the first step to improvement.
feurio 2y ago
I can't think of many better ways to demonstrate to your colleagues and corporate overlords that you are worthy of their trust than to readily hold up your hands if you've screwed up. So long as you're not so incompetent that you're repeatedly doing stupid stuff or cynically causing issues so that you can make yourself look virtuous by owning up, of course.
- ricksunny 2y ago
  In corporate context, admitting exernally-facing liability too easily violates executives' fiduciary responsibility to shareholders. For incentives aligning, need to figure out how to unravel that beasty.
  - ocdtrekkie 2y ago
    On the contrary, I think it can be sold as a PR win: Think about how many companies torch customer goodwill by making a bad decision and then doubling and tripling down on it for months (before backpedaling and losing a ton of customers anyways).
    - TeMPOraL 2y ago
      I don't know, but I'd hazard a guess: not many? Or rather, plenty do, but they don't lose much customers - any company worth their salt is positioned to screw over their users, unintentionally or otherwise, with little to no consequences to its business.
      - ricksunny 2y ago
        Unfortunate but true.
ipython 2y ago
It’s so refreshing when people do this and it totally disarms most people who are angry with you. I also find it effective when talking to people that may not be angry at me specifically, but angry at the company I work for. I may not have written the code that fucked up, but I certainly can apologize on behalf of the company and empathize with the user. I’ve found when I do this I’m able to quickly get to a solution rather than degrade further into finger pointing.
- cm11 2y ago
  Fwiw, I don't see "disarming" as a particular goal or win. It's neutral maybe. It might even be a bit unjust if we think the aggrieved is owed some form of recompense. I guess my framing of these things goes something like: * Person A made an error that made things worse for Person B * A sorta owes B now. Could be A making up for the error—like if A knocked over B's coffee, A could get them a new one. Or another, perhaps disagreeable, sorta justice is B now getting to do something back to A—like B knocking over A's coffee, or just cursing at A for a bit. * These things would put them back to even. I feel several comments are thinking of "owning the mistake" primarily as a tool to neutralize B's ability to get back to even. This, rather than owning it to take responsibility or just because it's honest. Saying we're "owning our mistake" is not owning our mistake. The point is to know you were in the wrong—whether that's by introspecting on it, having to buy an extra coffee that day, or getting cursed at.
  - kelnos 2y ago
    I think maybe you're thinking it in the wrong way? If A immediately owns up and apologizes, B not getting into a frenzy of swear words is not only good for A, but it's good for B, too (unnecessary stress and getting-worked-up is probably not really good for us!). Clearly if they were still upset (despite the apology), they might still feel the need to yell and vent a bit, and if they do, perhaps they will. But if they don't, then likely the acknowledgement of fault and apology has been appreciated, and B has gotten out of it what they need to. For something like knocking over a coffee, certainly, the knocker owes the knockee a new coffee, and acknowledging fault and apologizing is the first step to getting there. (B retaliating by knocking over A's coffee is always going to be unproductive and childish, even if A is unrepentant and rude about it.) I agree that just saying that you own your mistake isn't enough; owning it means doing the best you can to make amends. But sometimes the person you wronged is fine with just an acknowledgement and an apology. For example, if someone knocked over my coffee, and it seemed like a genuine mistake (that is, it wasn't because the person was being careless or negligent), I probably would accept an apology but decline a new coffee. The apology would be enough for me. Not saying that it would be for everyone, but people are different.
D-Coder 2y ago
Being a programmer has made this a lot easier for me. The average line of code that I type has three typos and one syntax error, so I'm accustomed to making mistakes (and fixing them).
rendx 2y ago
Typically such people were punished severely for admitting mistakes as a child, while lying about it and pretending nothing happened was "fine" and got them off the hook.

wkat4242 2y ago

Also, aviation accident investigations aren't really about blame but about future prevention. Even if the outcome is pilot error, it's more about preventing how this error happened in the future than to punish the pilot. Because nobody (well.. almost nobody, think GermanWings) does this on purpose. Either training, information overload, disorientation etc. And also the cooperation of the pilots is paramount. That doesn't really work if they're getting themselves in trouble. Having said that I don't think a current NTSB investigation would take "i f--ed up" for an answer. They'd want to know why and how. But those were very different times.

deepsun 2y ago
Also it's extremely rare to find no pilot error. The regulations broadly say "pilot must get acquaintanced with all aspects regarding flight safety" intentionally, so pilot could not say "I didn't know" -- must have known.
- adastra22 2y ago
  But sometimes the pilot followed correct procedure, and the correct procedure was to blame. In those instances the procedure is changed.
  - wkat4242 2y ago
    Yes or the correct procedure was not correctly written up in the flight manual, not trained on, too hard to find in a pinch etc. Or the situation was so complex it was hard to identify which procedure applied.
- wkat4242 2y ago
  True but these days it's very very hard to know everything actively. There's just so very much. It's understandable when a pilot forgets about that one obscure button that's only used in some edge case only happening on one in 100.000 flights. These days being a pilot is a lot like being a system engineer especially since the dedicated flight engineer position is gone. Yet also requiring the spatial awareness and manual skills of flying. I'm often surprised how well it still goes with the complexity of modern aircraft.

potato3732842 2y ago

Was it the apology that affected the decision or did rolling down the window reveal demographic information that make it easier for them to justify in their mind going easy on you? For example nobody except another old lady is gonna scream at an old lady. Edit: Some of you seem to have missed the point about human nature here.

mu53 2y ago
chill with the -isms. Watch youtube to see how crazy some people are - 6'0, 30s guy that has had many old lady scream at me due to temper tantrums
- potato3732842 2y ago
  >6'0, 30s guy that has had many old lady scream at me due to temper tantrums Exactly. They don't hold you to a lower standard. If it was a teenager they might've cut some slack. Most people will cut an elderly person or a person who's very outnumbered by kids in the car a little slack. Etc, Etc. So perhaps that person in the other car looked at you and decided for whatever reason you deserved to be held to a lower standard than they project upon everyone if no other information is available.
  - geocrasher 2y ago
    He didn't hold me to a lower standard. He accepted my apology.

TheSpiceIsLife 2y ago

One thing a like about getting older is the increasing frequency of reminiscing. I used to cycle commute to work. This one time I caused a guy to miss a gap in traffic, wasn’t something I was trying to do, just the timing worked out that way. I saw him starting to curse, I don’t think it was directed at me, but I blew him a kiss anyway. The cursing transformed immediately to a bust of laughter from both of us, I think made his day.

geocrasher 2y ago
I also cycle commuted for 3 years, year round, in my late 20's and early 30's. It was the best. I miss it.
kelnos 2y ago
It's funny, because depending on the location/culture/etc. of the incident, I could see the blown kiss making the guy even more angry (assuming he was indeed cursing at you). Good on him (and you) for handling it gracefully.

cm11 2y ago

The extremely powerful part imo is what it implies about the person owning the mistake and how they might change future behavior because of it. I think it's less about the effect it had on the other person, who as you point out was entitled to anger and low expectations of you. Can it (powerfully) de-escalate things relative to how these situations often play out? Yes, but if the goal of owning mistakes becomes about minimizing the consequences you face for them, it seems more meh. If it's to recognize mistakes and be accountable (particularly to yourself), it seems more powerful. I worry a bit about the "when used correctly" part because it suggests only owning mistakes sometimes, but it could be read many ways.

Jarwain 2y ago
I imagine there are situations where, while internally owning the mistake is Important, it can be harmful to own it in front of "stakeholders"
geocrasher 2y ago
Perhaps I should have said "When used genuinely"

lukan 2y ago

You didn't see the stop sign on the road by your house? Did you forgot it existed, or was it a not completely honest apology?

moralestapia 2y ago
"Are you not a perfect sentient entity?"
- lukan 2y ago
  Nope, that is why I asked if he also simply forgot it and not assumed evil.
  - moralestapia 2y ago
    >or was it a not completely honest apology? k
geocrasher 2y ago
Oh it was completely honest! Really! For some reason my brain just didn't see that stop sign, on multiple occasions. Yes, literally on the opposite corner from where I lived. Brains are weird.

ravenstine 2y ago

> Owning mistakes is an extremely powerful tool when used correctly. Truthfully, I believe I have this attitude to thank for why I've never been fired as a software engineer. I'm not stupid, but I have a pattern of making mistakes that goes way back to childhood. I can mitigate it but probably will never reach a normal error rate. Any time I cause a problem, no matter how severe, I just own it and make sure anyone affected or involved in mitigation gets their due credit. There is just no sense in pretending a spade isn't a spade when there is a learning opportunity to be had, or making an already tense situation worse.