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Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was

Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the past three years? She was alone (after her husband died) and most of you never visited her since (and no they were not living far away or unable to visit). Go to the funeral yes, but don't wait until.

seanhunter 2y ago
^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say. My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this situation really sucks". We had a great conversation. He died. I'm really glad I went. Fast forward a few years and my uncle (his dad) was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc. I said "you remember what happened last time. Just go." She went[1]. It was a good way to bring finality and say goodbye to her brother and she was really glad she went. [1] I also went separately but that's slightly beside the point
- smugma 2y ago
  So much humanity in this. Thank you for sharing and for advocating.
- ljf 2y ago
  I so heartily agree - when my brother was dying I was at a loss to know what to say - we didn't share a lot of history as he 'joined' the family later in life - but just chatting rubbish helped him hugely. Later a friend was dying and when she could no longer talk, I'd head out for a walk and just describe what I could see, what my plans were, and great things I remembered from our past - I wasn't able to visit, but her parents said she really enjoyed the voice notes she got - almost as much as the visitors. But if you can see people, just do it. Not long ago my mum decided to try and visit a whole heap of friends across England, just as she realised after my dad died, that she never knew the last time she'd see these people - and wanted it to be occasions they both enjoyed, before too much time had passed. I loved the idea.
- CooCooCaCha 2y ago
  [flagged]
  - maleldil 2y ago
    You have zero context other than what they said. What about withholding judgement about things you know nothing about before saying people are bad? The full story is likely much more complex.
    - CooCooCaCha 2y ago
      She had the same reaction to two different people dying. So either she has a complicated relationship with both the cousin and brother or she’s the problem. I put my money on the mother because people do weak stuff like that all the time. Can’t get over a little awkwardness to do the right thing because people aren’t self aware and fragile.
      - Forgeties79 2y ago
        I think you could use a little more generosity in your very cold, uninformed interpretation of this person.
        CooCooCaCha 2y ago
        [flagged]
        maleldil 2y ago
        I'm not taking the perspective of anyone here because there's hardly any information for me to do that. You're the one that has constructed this whole scenario in your mind based off very little from OP's post.
    - seanhunter 2y ago
      Yes. To start with my mum lives on her own since my dad died not long before this, has macular degeneration so is going blind, and seeing her brother required a trip of 8 hours or do each way. Not a trivial undertaking. She also wasn’t seriously thinking about not going, just needed a bit of extra encouragement.
- hinkley 2y ago
  This is something the Lutherans seem to have figured out, and shows up in the culture of Lutheran heavy areas like northern midwestern towns: you don’t even have to talk, and you definitely don’t have to talk about the death, or invite the believed to do so. Just show up. Help out if you can (bring food). If they want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t they still had the option. I watched Lars and the Real Girl with some people who grew up on the west coast. There’s a scene after a funeral where these two little old ladies come over, bring food, and just knit and occupy space, so he’s not alone. I said that’s the most midwestern thing I’ve ever seen in a Hollywood movie. And it still pretty much is.
  - notnaut 2y ago
    Reminds me of a few scenes from Reservation Dogs, which is a pretty good show if you’re ever looking for something to watch!
  - swat535 2y ago
    Yea I think it’s a very Christian thing actually, visiting the sick is one of the works of mercy and all Christians are called to perform them regularly. I’m a Catholic and admittingly I fall short of it, perhaps I should take a page from our Lutheran brothers.. Thanks for sharing!
  - holden_nelson 2y ago
    I was thinking of that scene in Lars and the Real Girl as I was reading the first part of your comment. Such a phenomenal movie.
- mmooss 2y ago
  You don't need to say anything. Be present: listen; be curious and caring and compassionate and infinitely patient. Watch TV together; listen to music.
  - bumby 2y ago
    This is one of my biggest takeaways from reading Frank Ostaseski's book "The Five Invitations". He runs a hospice center and has lots of experience helping the dying and those around them. He talks about how being present is often what is most needed. He also has a great talk with Sam Harris that's worth a listen.
ToucanLoucan 2y ago
One of my best memories of college: I was going to a tech school that was just down the street from the nursing home my grandpa was at. Most family were busy so my mom pressured me to go spend time with him. Initially I thought it would suck but after a few times, both the nursing staff and a few patients near my grandpa knew me, it was like getting a minor, second home right next to school. I would go to my classes, get my homework, then drive a few minutes down the road and spend hours there doing the homework, playing games, what have you. I got so much time with him just before he passed. It was truly a blessing, even though he was already a huge part of my childhood, to get one last hurrah before I entered adulthood and he... well, took the next step. I'm not a religious person, I don't honestly think there's an afterlife, and on this point my parents disagree. Maybe they would've made more time to visit him if they weren't sure he was going to a better place and they'd see him again.
anshulbhide 2y ago
Yes. I just found out that my favourite teacher from school passed away today. I've been meaning to visit her for the past five years, but never got around to it - and now never will.
miroljub 2y ago
People didn't go to visit her while being alive because they genuinely didn't care about her, or didn't care enough to bother to visit. They showed up in a funeral not because of her, but because they were afraid of what others would say about them if they didn't show up. This is the sad reality of human behaviour in this day and age.
- freedomben 2y ago
  Indeed, anecdotally I think there's an epidemic of uncaring going on in the world right now. I think the hyper-connectivity of always-on internet-based and smartphone-based stuff just overwhelms our capacity to care, but that's purely a theory.
  - mulmen 2y ago
    > I think there's an epidemic of uncaring going on in the world right now. That’s like, your opinion man. You are in control of that. Such a negative view is a choice. You can focus on something positive instead. Our connected world allows families to stay in touch with almost zero friction. I get multiple updates weekly on my nieces and nephews even though they live hundreds of miles away. I have hundreds of photos and videos at my fingertips. I only get two or three in person visits a year. Connectivity is our only way to maintain… connection.
    - jacobgkau 2y ago
      > I think the hyper-connectivity of always-on internet-based and smartphone-based stuff just overwhelms our capacity to care, but that's purely a theory. GP stated explicitly they have a theory about something that is causing people to behave differently. You can call that an opinion if you'd like. You can not believe the theory and instead blame that person's "choice," which is also "your opinion man." Your anecdote isn't very relevant to the theory in a thread full of people talking to the contrary.
      - mulmen 2y ago
matthewowen 2y ago
Reading the whole thing, I think the author would agree. "Go to the funeral" isn't just about the funeral. It's a specific example of "if you have a chance to show up for someone, show up for them: even if (maybe _especially_ if) it's awkward or inconvenient".
- cobbaut 2y ago
  > Reading the whole thing, I think the author would agree Yes, I think so too.
jasode 2y ago
>Please visit people when they are still alive. [...] Go to the funeral yes, but don't wait until. Thank you for bringing this up. To add to that ... sometimes, circumstances (i.e. long distances) dictate that only 1 of those trips can be made and they may have to choose. I had a family member with a terminal illness and a friend of the family from out of state decided to visit 2 months before the end to say goodbyes. They were elderly and on a fixed income so they could only budget the money for 1 trip. As a result, they had to skip the funeral. From my standpoint, they made the correct choice of prioritizing the conversation with a living person instead of attending a funeral.
dachris 2y ago
As a corollary, if a person you're responsible for "goes dark" socially (due to dementia, unable to go out anymore, moved to nursing home etc), do let their friendly social circle know (friends, neighbors) that the person would still be happy about visitors. I've seen this with a relative with dementia - many people just weren't aware that she had no contact with them anymore due to this.
pjmlp 2y ago
Also don't leave for later things you can do today. I lost family members the day after having phone calls, or planning stuff to do together the upcoming weekend. Leaving something to do later instead of now, that later might be too late.
hk1337 2y ago
> Where the hell were you guys the past three years? Maybe they were there when you weren't there and they're asking the same question about you? Maybe your aunt never really thought to bring up that so-and-so had come to visit while you were there, so then as far as you know, nobody came to visit? Maybe they called, sure it's not the same as visiting but it's something. It's true though, as humans we tend to not think about things and other people until they are gone. Don't be angry and upset, if anything, pity them for not having the time that you had.
- aeronaut80 2y ago
  Maybe the aunt was in a care facility where a record of visitors is kept, and so they know for sure how many visitors there were. Anyway regardless of the specifics of this situation, there are many others where far more people turn up for the funeral than did for the person in their later years.
- cobbaut 2y ago
  > Maybe they were there when you weren't there and they're asking the same question about you? No. She complained about not seeing anyone. She had a clear mind and we talked a lot about her friends and family.
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]
beambot 2y ago
1000x this. I was fortunate & got to spend the terminal 3mo of my father's life staying with him. He didn't want a funeral at all. His perspective, "If you can't visit me while I'm still alive & have time, then don't bother." Seeing his friends & family visit was touching.
NedF 2y ago
> Please visit people when they are still alive. Funerals are for the living, it's strengthening your friendships and relationships. This is the point the article is trying to make. Parties and gatherings matter, don't confuse your birthday, Brit Milah or funeral being about you. It's selfish not have these ceremonies, they are about community and others. It's a long road getting society more community focused again.

seanhunter 2y ago

^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say. My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this situation really sucks". We had a great conversation. He died. I'm really glad I went. Fast forward a few years and my uncle (his dad) was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc. I said "you remember what happened last time. Just go." She went[1]. It was a good way to bring finality and say goodbye to her brother and she was really glad she went. [1] I also went separately but that's slightly beside the point

smugma 2y ago
So much humanity in this. Thank you for sharing and for advocating.
ljf 2y ago
I so heartily agree - when my brother was dying I was at a loss to know what to say - we didn't share a lot of history as he 'joined' the family later in life - but just chatting rubbish helped him hugely. Later a friend was dying and when she could no longer talk, I'd head out for a walk and just describe what I could see, what my plans were, and great things I remembered from our past - I wasn't able to visit, but her parents said she really enjoyed the voice notes she got - almost as much as the visitors. But if you can see people, just do it. Not long ago my mum decided to try and visit a whole heap of friends across England, just as she realised after my dad died, that she never knew the last time she'd see these people - and wanted it to be occasions they both enjoyed, before too much time had passed. I loved the idea.
CooCooCaCha 2y ago
[flagged]
- maleldil 2y ago
  You have zero context other than what they said. What about withholding judgement about things you know nothing about before saying people are bad? The full story is likely much more complex.
  - CooCooCaCha 2y ago
    She had the same reaction to two different people dying. So either she has a complicated relationship with both the cousin and brother or she’s the problem. I put my money on the mother because people do weak stuff like that all the time. Can’t get over a little awkwardness to do the right thing because people aren’t self aware and fragile.
    - Forgeties79 2y ago
      I think you could use a little more generosity in your very cold, uninformed interpretation of this person.
      - CooCooCaCha 2y ago
        [flagged]
        maleldil 2y ago
        I'm not taking the perspective of anyone here because there's hardly any information for me to do that. You're the one that has constructed this whole scenario in your mind based off very little from OP's post.
  - seanhunter 2y ago
    Yes. To start with my mum lives on her own since my dad died not long before this, has macular degeneration so is going blind, and seeing her brother required a trip of 8 hours or do each way. Not a trivial undertaking. She also wasn’t seriously thinking about not going, just needed a bit of extra encouragement.
hinkley 2y ago
This is something the Lutherans seem to have figured out, and shows up in the culture of Lutheran heavy areas like northern midwestern towns: you don’t even have to talk, and you definitely don’t have to talk about the death, or invite the believed to do so. Just show up. Help out if you can (bring food). If they want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t they still had the option. I watched Lars and the Real Girl with some people who grew up on the west coast. There’s a scene after a funeral where these two little old ladies come over, bring food, and just knit and occupy space, so he’s not alone. I said that’s the most midwestern thing I’ve ever seen in a Hollywood movie. And it still pretty much is.
- notnaut 2y ago
  Reminds me of a few scenes from Reservation Dogs, which is a pretty good show if you’re ever looking for something to watch!
- swat535 2y ago
  Yea I think it’s a very Christian thing actually, visiting the sick is one of the works of mercy and all Christians are called to perform them regularly. I’m a Catholic and admittingly I fall short of it, perhaps I should take a page from our Lutheran brothers.. Thanks for sharing!
- holden_nelson 2y ago
  I was thinking of that scene in Lars and the Real Girl as I was reading the first part of your comment. Such a phenomenal movie.
mmooss 2y ago
You don't need to say anything. Be present: listen; be curious and caring and compassionate and infinitely patient. Watch TV together; listen to music.
- bumby 2y ago
  This is one of my biggest takeaways from reading Frank Ostaseski's book "The Five Invitations". He runs a hospice center and has lots of experience helping the dying and those around them. He talks about how being present is often what is most needed. He also has a great talk with Sam Harris that's worth a listen.

ToucanLoucan 2y ago

One of my best memories of college: I was going to a tech school that was just down the street from the nursing home my grandpa was at. Most family were busy so my mom pressured me to go spend time with him. Initially I thought it would suck but after a few times, both the nursing staff and a few patients near my grandpa knew me, it was like getting a minor, second home right next to school. I would go to my classes, get my homework, then drive a few minutes down the road and spend hours there doing the homework, playing games, what have you. I got so much time with him just before he passed. It was truly a blessing, even though he was already a huge part of my childhood, to get one last hurrah before I entered adulthood and he... well, took the next step. I'm not a religious person, I don't honestly think there's an afterlife, and on this point my parents disagree. Maybe they would've made more time to visit him if they weren't sure he was going to a better place and they'd see him again.

anshulbhide 2y ago

Yes. I just found out that my favourite teacher from school passed away today. I've been meaning to visit her for the past five years, but never got around to it - and now never will.

miroljub 2y ago

People didn't go to visit her while being alive because they genuinely didn't care about her, or didn't care enough to bother to visit. They showed up in a funeral not because of her, but because they were afraid of what others would say about them if they didn't show up. This is the sad reality of human behaviour in this day and age.

freedomben 2y ago
Indeed, anecdotally I think there's an epidemic of uncaring going on in the world right now. I think the hyper-connectivity of always-on internet-based and smartphone-based stuff just overwhelms our capacity to care, but that's purely a theory.
- mulmen 2y ago
  > I think there's an epidemic of uncaring going on in the world right now. That’s like, your opinion man. You are in control of that. Such a negative view is a choice. You can focus on something positive instead. Our connected world allows families to stay in touch with almost zero friction. I get multiple updates weekly on my nieces and nephews even though they live hundreds of miles away. I have hundreds of photos and videos at my fingertips. I only get two or three in person visits a year. Connectivity is our only way to maintain… connection.
  - jacobgkau 2y ago
    > I think the hyper-connectivity of always-on internet-based and smartphone-based stuff just overwhelms our capacity to care, but that's purely a theory. GP stated explicitly they have a theory about something that is causing people to behave differently. You can call that an opinion if you'd like. You can not believe the theory and instead blame that person's "choice," which is also "your opinion man." Your anecdote isn't very relevant to the theory in a thread full of people talking to the contrary.
    - mulmen 2y ago

matthewowen 2y ago

Reading the whole thing, I think the author would agree. "Go to the funeral" isn't just about the funeral. It's a specific example of "if you have a chance to show up for someone, show up for them: even if (maybe _especially_ if) it's awkward or inconvenient".

cobbaut 2y ago
> Reading the whole thing, I think the author would agree Yes, I think so too.

jasode 2y ago

>Please visit people when they are still alive. [...] Go to the funeral yes, but don't wait until. Thank you for bringing this up. To add to that ... sometimes, circumstances (i.e. long distances) dictate that only 1 of those trips can be made and they may have to choose. I had a family member with a terminal illness and a friend of the family from out of state decided to visit 2 months before the end to say goodbyes. They were elderly and on a fixed income so they could only budget the money for 1 trip. As a result, they had to skip the funeral. From my standpoint, they made the correct choice of prioritizing the conversation with a living person instead of attending a funeral.

dachris 2y ago

As a corollary, if a person you're responsible for "goes dark" socially (due to dementia, unable to go out anymore, moved to nursing home etc), do let their friendly social circle know (friends, neighbors) that the person would still be happy about visitors. I've seen this with a relative with dementia - many people just weren't aware that she had no contact with them anymore due to this.

pjmlp 2y ago

Also don't leave for later things you can do today. I lost family members the day after having phone calls, or planning stuff to do together the upcoming weekend. Leaving something to do later instead of now, that later might be too late.

hk1337 2y ago

> Where the hell were you guys the past three years? Maybe they were there when you weren't there and they're asking the same question about you? Maybe your aunt never really thought to bring up that so-and-so had come to visit while you were there, so then as far as you know, nobody came to visit? Maybe they called, sure it's not the same as visiting but it's something. It's true though, as humans we tend to not think about things and other people until they are gone. Don't be angry and upset, if anything, pity them for not having the time that you had.

aeronaut80 2y ago
Maybe the aunt was in a care facility where a record of visitors is kept, and so they know for sure how many visitors there were. Anyway regardless of the specifics of this situation, there are many others where far more people turn up for the funeral than did for the person in their later years.
cobbaut 2y ago
> Maybe they were there when you weren't there and they're asking the same question about you? No. She complained about not seeing anyone. She had a clear mind and we talked a lot about her friends and family.

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]

beambot 2y ago

1000x this. I was fortunate & got to spend the terminal 3mo of my father's life staying with him. He didn't want a funeral at all. His perspective, "If you can't visit me while I'm still alive & have time, then don't bother." Seeing his friends & family visit was touching.

NedF 2y ago

> Please visit people when they are still alive. Funerals are for the living, it's strengthening your friendships and relationships. This is the point the article is trying to make. Parties and gatherings matter, don't confuse your birthday, Brit Milah or funeral being about you. It's selfish not have these ceremonies, they are about community and others. It's a long road getting society more community focused again.