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I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood

• wvlia5 2y ago
  But it's a somewhat odd custom no? Funerals. Probably no one stood up to talk because it felt awkward, as it is. It's not like you hurt your friends feelings for not speaking up.
  • sgt101 2y ago
    It was my failure that hurt me, I think.
    • wvlia5 2y ago
      I don't get why it is a failure.
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      • Tistron 2y ago
        I see it as a strong example of what happens often. We have an impulse from what I will call our authenticity and we decline and suppress it because of some sort of fear. As I've learned to pay attention to this, I've found that it always leads to slight disconnection, and following instead tends to lead to more connection and aliveness. Every time we avoid the alive impulse is a failure of sorts, but usually we don't notice it like in this story above.
        • wvlia5 2y ago
          Interesting. Do you think this other thing might be related? I usually supress emotions in order to perform, solve problems. I ignore all frustration, sadness, boredom and just focus or executing the steps to solve the current problem. Convinced that good performance is what leads to good quality of life. It's like the kid who jumps and cries around the father saying "I want to play". The father ignores him and says "go away, don't bother me please, I'm working", thinking "what he really needs is a nice house, food and clothes, that's why I work". But this has lead me to a pervasive state of unsatisfaction, even though I now have many shiny things to enjoy.
          • Blemokolo 2y ago
            [dead]
          • zmgsabst 2y ago
            I think it’s related, but not in the way you’re implying: He seems to view it as a personal failing that he didnt ignore the awkwardness to “solve the problem” of no one memorializing his friend and thinks about that inability to perform in the moment often, because he wants to be someone who can “rise to the occasion” in such moments. You seem to have a different problem, eg a bad work-life balance or lack of meaningful duties to perform.
        • ngr 2y ago
          This idea is also explored in The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute. Reading it was truly transformative for me. It makes a strong point that we experience self-betrayal whenever we choose to ignore our moral compass and how this can harm our relationships.
        • pmarreck 2y ago
          "Fear-repressed authenticity" is something to gnaw on.
          • hoseja 2y ago
            Like 80% of your authentic urges have to be repressed to, erm, live in a society. It's then hard to find a good point to stop doing that.
      • criddell 2y ago
        In another thread, the_snooze wisely pointed out that "your actions are a reflection of your values"[1]. If you want to be a person who is part of a community, who cares for the people around them, and doesn't look at everything as a transaction, then you maybe go to a funeral even if you can't measure some benefit for yourself. [1]:https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42436832 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42436832
    • mgkimsal 2y ago
      I get it. I didn't say anything at my grandfather's funeral, although I was this close. I just... didn't. Easier in that moment to stay seated for a few extra seconds, but it bothered me. Years later, at my grandmother's funeral, I spoke. Not long, but I said some of the things I'd wanted to say years earlier, though with the benefit of a bit more hindsight and perspective. But not speaking all those years earlier had bothered me. FWIW, it still does, but a little less than before.
    • nogridbag 2y ago
      I have a phobia of these type of scenarios. During my career I've never had a problem presenting or doing demos for large groups. I've presented to high ranking military officials, company zooms, etc. No problem. Ask me to give a speech on the spot at my father's birthday party? I cower in fear. Same when my mother passed away. I wanted to say so many things, but I couldn't get over the anxiety. You're not alone.
    • bumby 2y ago
      It's okay to give yourself some reprieve. People are often not in their right mind when grieving. It's that time of year when It's a Wonderful Life shows up on TV. Have you ever seen the scene in the boardroom just after Jimmy Stewart's character's father died and left him the Building & Loan business? If you look closely, he's wearing a black arm band. That used to be customary as a way to signaling to people "I'm grieving, so please forgive me if I'm not in my right mind. Take what I say and do with a grain of salt." When I die, I would not want my friends to feel worse by regretting something they did or didn't do. I'm willing to bet your friend loved you enough to feel the same way.
      • Shocka1 2y ago
        From one stranger to another, this is such a nice comment. And I love this film, but never knew this arm band fact. Now I can't wait to notice it this year when we inevitably watch it. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
  • vitiral 2y ago
    Funerals are an "odd custom"? What an entirely odd thing to say, I cannot imagine what you mean. Why is meditating on the passing of a friend, remembering their life and being present with the grief of their family "odd"??
    • balfirevic 2y ago
      I initially interpreted it to mean that expecting people to give impromptu speeches at funerals was an odd custom (that certainly doesn't happen where I live), but now I'm not so sure.
    • bluGill 2y ago
      Speaking at a funeral like that is an odd custom. Note that custom for funerals comes from the local culture and customs of how previous funerals are run. So that it isn't to you is just a reflection on your culture, other people come from different cultures where such a thing is not normal and because it is not normal- for their culture - it harms their meditations which would be done in the way they have grown up doing. As such I'm not making a statement of right and wrong for your culture, only that in OPs culture it is wrong and so asking for someone to speak like that was in fact wrong on the part of whoever asked. Whoever asked may well have come from a different culture where this behavior is normal and so made a mistake by not recognizing that they were in a different culture!
      • mulmen 2y ago
        > Speaking at a funeral like that is an odd custom. According to you. I’d be surprised if such an opportunity wasn’t presented. > As such I'm not making a statement of right and wrong for your culture, Except to call it odd. > only that in OPs culture it is wrong and so asking for someone to speak like that was in fact wrong on the part of whoever asked. You brought up culture. This was clearly a case of an open mic. Nobody was asking anyone to do anything. It’s an opportunity to do so if you wish.
        • bluGill 2y ago
          > According to you No, according to what happened in that instance. If this was normal in the culture of that family someone would have gone to the mic. Do not confuse my culture with the culture in question. > I’d be surprised if such an opportunity wasn’t presented. Which is a reflection on your culture. > Except to call it odd Again, odd in terms of that one particular culture. > This was clearly a case of an open mic A case of open mic in a cultural situation where an open mic was not supposed to happen.
  • dfxm12 2y ago
    According to a Jerry Seinfeld bit, the fear of public speaking is the #1 fear. #2? Death. At a funeral, most people would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy! He delivers it better than me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQ6giVKp9ec https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQ6giVKp9ec
  • idamantium 2y ago
    I have studied funeral design. One of the most inspiring funeral directors I interviewed (https://www.zenithvirago.com/ https://www.zenithvirago.com/) had a particular specialty for suicides. She was keen on ensuring the parents had a healthy and complete mourning process. This almost always involved insisting that they get up to speak at the funeral, to the point where she lends her body to help them stay standing through the process. At least by her own accounting, it has a profoundly positive effect on how the parents get through this grief that I can hardly imagine. It's an opportunity that doesn't return. She teaches that when it comes to death and dying and supporting other going through the process, be present, neutral, kind, and courageous. It is hard and awkward to get up to speak. And no shame in not doing it, especially as a more distant connection. But also a lot of good can come from it as well.
• zanderwohl 2y ago
  My grandfather died a few years ago. By all accounts, he was opinionated, mean, and yelled at people a lot -- until a stroke humbled him. When it was time to speak, nobody got up to say anything, until I did. I mentioned so many of us had negative feelings about him, and then recalled what good things he did for us. That ice broken, several of my cousins also stood up and spoke. My uncle, who had arranged the funeral, closed it off by saying to everyone in the audience that if you wanted your own funeral to have more good stories, it was a good idea to patch relationships while still alive. I think I would have regretted not standing up to speak. My grandfather did good and bad -- he invented the type of artificial voicebox given to people with throat cancer. He performed lifesaving surgeries on hundreds of people. He also yelled at his grandchildren during every dinner. He leered at my mother and aunts. And yet, I would have regretted not going to his funeral, and not speaking.
  • 01HNNWZ0MV43FF 2y ago
    I wanted to say that at my mom's funeral. "Her good parts deserved better than her bad parts". But I was crying a lot, and trying to act normal around extended family who hadn't seen me for several years and at least one gender ago, so I didn't want to say anything vaguely negative.
• WillAdams 2y ago
  When my best friend from high school took his own life, necessitating that I travel to a county I hadn't been to in over a decade, when we gathered to remember him, I started things off by introducing myself as I would have liked to have thought he would have introduced me to everyone else present --- that seemed to afford a structure which bridged the gap between people I hadn't seen in decades (including his eldest niece whom I had not seen since she was a babe in arms) --- we went around the room with everyone declaring their connection and sharing some memories.
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• m3kw9 2y ago
  Saying it won’t matter, it’s in your heart
• chasd00 2y ago
  In my experience losing those close to me, you don’t regret the things you said instead you really regret the things you didn’t say. So don’t beat yourself up too bad it happens to all of us.
• ct0 2y ago
  We must have gone to the same funeral and had the same friend. I regret not speaking up either to share a story I think about often which highlighted my friends better qualities. Maybe I'll make a post about him after thinking about it for a few more years.
  • octopoc 2y ago
    You might want to call up his parents or siblings and tell them the story. I had a friend die young and whenever I remembered a story about him, I would make a note and call his dad next time the guy’s birthday came around. Actually I forgot his birthday so I just did his birth month but it really seemed to encourage his dad.
• BurningFrog 2y ago
  Public speaking isn't for everyone. Especially at such a sensitive occasion.
• lo_zamoyski 2y ago
  You have nothing to regret. Eulogies are kind of a modern thing. It's one thing to have fond memories of someone, or to share them with others during a conversation at the wake or whatever, but a public speech that sums up a person is something like passing judgement on a person, and I would dread putting myself in that position as no one really has the authority to do that. (That's why Catholics do not traditionally eulogize at a funeral mass or a wake, as passing judgement on a person, as opposed to, say, judging certain facets of their actions, is something reserved for God alone, as only God could know the heart of a person. A proper Catholic funeral mass is, in fact, entirely focused on making a sacrificial offering for the soul of the departed; there is no presumption made about the fate of the deceased.)
• deleted 2y ago
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