4 ms·

Does sending emails to people in your network fall into the torture category as well? (Serious question, not judging.) Because if it is, I'm wondering what is t

by kmoser 2y ago

Does sending emails to people in your network fall into the torture category as well? (Serious question, not judging.) Because if it is, I'm wondering what is the exact pain point: composing the email? Sending it and not feeling silly? Something else?

deanmoriarty 2y ago
In the vast majority of cases, when I left a job I was genuinely excited about never having to see or talk to any of my coworkers/managers for the rest of my life, so breaking such streak with an intentional outreach would qualify as lightweight torture to me. In a career of 15+ years I don’t think I have ever reached out to an ex coworker, not even once. My current company happens to be particularly “prestigious” at this point in time and I have received hundreds (yes, 100+) of LinkedIn messages from ex coworkers ranging from “meet and catch up” to “can you refer me there”. Some have gone as far as finding my phone number and texting me, after they didn’t receive a reply on LinkedIn. The nerve someone has after causing me so much pain and stress during code reviews or random acts of corporate backstabbing to ask for a referral years later. I ignored each and every one of them. I am not saying this is healthy at all and I well understand the problem is “me”, I would say I suffer from quite a bit of misanthropy against pretty much every coworker I ever had, and on top of that I am an extreme introvert, relationships forced upon me cause a lot of contempt. Fortunately I have a very small circle of people that I love (wife, blood family and a few good friends), so despite the misery of my comments I am not too unhappy when I’m not at work. To be clear, I am not the one looking for part-time gigs, I have decided that the solution to my struggles is to become financially independent via above-average frugality and diligent savings/investing, and then withdraw from the obligations of modern work. Technically I am already there, just trying to find the courage to quit my current (and last) job.
- sfn42 2y ago
  You think every single one of your coworkers "cause you pain and stress during code reviews"? Yeah man, the problem is 100% you. That's a crazy thing to say. Have you ever seen a therapist? And how in the world do you expect these people to just magically know that you're a weirdo? The nerve to reach out after having reviewed your code.. man I'm baffled.
  - deanmoriarty 2y ago
    > You think every single one of your coworkers "cause you pain and stress during code reviews"? Yes, I have a right to have an opinion on how other people’s behaviors make me feel, and so long as I’m still functional at work it’s not a problem (and I am, I always put up a good face and don’t cause any drama, I will refactor my perfectly working PR 1000 times to make all the nitpickers happy). Fortunately “being functional” doesn’t require to answer their referral or Zoom request years later, the hell with that, why would I want those people in my life again. I simply have no tolerance for most coworkers and managers, it is not that hard to believe and I know a lot of people who despise their coworkers, I am not a unicorn. My spouse is pretty much the same and has her own small solo business because she couldn’t stand the 9 to 5. My dad, a very wise man living in a different side of the world and the happiest person I know, decided in his 30s after a corporate stint that he couldn’t live his life being told what to do by managers and coworkers, and became entrepreneur. Clearly he had ups and downs, but he has always been very happy with the independence this choice afforded him. I earn 7 figures a year through my job in Silicon Valley and so I am putting up with this fundamental pain until I have enough to withdraw, which should be soon!
    - bigfatkitten 2y ago
      > I simply have no tolerance for most coworkers and managers, it is not that hard to believe and I know a lot of people who despise their coworkers, I am not a unicorn If you have the same experience with most of your coworkers whenever you go, perhaps your coworkers aren't the problem?
      - deanmoriarty 2y ago
        From above: > I well understand the problem is “me”, I would say I suffer from quite a bit of misanthropy against pretty much every coworker I ever had, and on top of that I am an extreme introvert, relationships forced upon me cause a lot of contempt.
    - sfn42 2y ago
      Sure you're allowed to feel that way, I just think it's ridiculous to phrase it the way you did above. I'm sure a lot of people have issues with some of their coworkers, but hating all of them across multiple jobs is insane. If you smell shit everywhere you go you probably need a shower.
- kmoser 2y ago
  > Technically I am already there, just trying to find the courage to quit my current (and last) job. Given all the people who seem to be making you miserable at work, and how much you seem to hate the job overall, what's keeping you from just walking out the door tomorrow and never returning?
  - deanmoriarty 2y ago
    > what's keeping you from just walking out the door tomorrow and never returning? A literal 7 figure paycheck, which substantially pads my savings. Waiting until my next major vesting cycle in a few months to get out from corporate forever!

by kmoser 2y ago

deanmoriarty 2y ago

In the vast majority of cases, when I left a job I was genuinely excited about never having to see or talk to any of my coworkers/managers for the rest of my life, so breaking such streak with an intentional outreach would qualify as lightweight torture to me. In a career of 15+ years I don’t think I have ever reached out to an ex coworker, not even once. My current company happens to be particularly “prestigious” at this point in time and I have received hundreds (yes, 100+) of LinkedIn messages from ex coworkers ranging from “meet and catch up” to “can you refer me there”. Some have gone as far as finding my phone number and texting me, after they didn’t receive a reply on LinkedIn. The nerve someone has after causing me so much pain and stress during code reviews or random acts of corporate backstabbing to ask for a referral years later. I ignored each and every one of them. I am not saying this is healthy at all and I well understand the problem is “me”, I would say I suffer from quite a bit of misanthropy against pretty much every coworker I ever had, and on top of that I am an extreme introvert, relationships forced upon me cause a lot of contempt. Fortunately I have a very small circle of people that I love (wife, blood family and a few good friends), so despite the misery of my comments I am not too unhappy when I’m not at work. To be clear, I am not the one looking for part-time gigs, I have decided that the solution to my struggles is to become financially independent via above-average frugality and diligent savings/investing, and then withdraw from the obligations of modern work. Technically I am already there, just trying to find the courage to quit my current (and last) job.

sfn42 2y ago
You think every single one of your coworkers "cause you pain and stress during code reviews"? Yeah man, the problem is 100% you. That's a crazy thing to say. Have you ever seen a therapist? And how in the world do you expect these people to just magically know that you're a weirdo? The nerve to reach out after having reviewed your code.. man I'm baffled.
- deanmoriarty 2y ago
  > You think every single one of your coworkers "cause you pain and stress during code reviews"? Yes, I have a right to have an opinion on how other people’s behaviors make me feel, and so long as I’m still functional at work it’s not a problem (and I am, I always put up a good face and don’t cause any drama, I will refactor my perfectly working PR 1000 times to make all the nitpickers happy). Fortunately “being functional” doesn’t require to answer their referral or Zoom request years later, the hell with that, why would I want those people in my life again. I simply have no tolerance for most coworkers and managers, it is not that hard to believe and I know a lot of people who despise their coworkers, I am not a unicorn. My spouse is pretty much the same and has her own small solo business because she couldn’t stand the 9 to 5. My dad, a very wise man living in a different side of the world and the happiest person I know, decided in his 30s after a corporate stint that he couldn’t live his life being told what to do by managers and coworkers, and became entrepreneur. Clearly he had ups and downs, but he has always been very happy with the independence this choice afforded him. I earn 7 figures a year through my job in Silicon Valley and so I am putting up with this fundamental pain until I have enough to withdraw, which should be soon!
  - bigfatkitten 2y ago
    > I simply have no tolerance for most coworkers and managers, it is not that hard to believe and I know a lot of people who despise their coworkers, I am not a unicorn If you have the same experience with most of your coworkers whenever you go, perhaps your coworkers aren't the problem?
    - deanmoriarty 2y ago
      From above: > I well understand the problem is “me”, I would say I suffer from quite a bit of misanthropy against pretty much every coworker I ever had, and on top of that I am an extreme introvert, relationships forced upon me cause a lot of contempt.
  - sfn42 2y ago
    Sure you're allowed to feel that way, I just think it's ridiculous to phrase it the way you did above. I'm sure a lot of people have issues with some of their coworkers, but hating all of them across multiple jobs is insane. If you smell shit everywhere you go you probably need a shower.
kmoser 2y ago
> Technically I am already there, just trying to find the courage to quit my current (and last) job. Given all the people who seem to be making you miserable at work, and how much you seem to hate the job overall, what's keeping you from just walking out the door tomorrow and never returning?
- deanmoriarty 2y ago
  > what's keeping you from just walking out the door tomorrow and never returning? A literal 7 figure paycheck, which substantially pads my savings. Waiting until my next major vesting cycle in a few months to get out from corporate forever!