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I enjoyed the DINK life for some time but eventually we decided to start a family and my only regret in life is we didn't start it sooner and have more kids. In

I enjoyed the DINK life for some time but eventually we decided to start a family and my only regret in life is we didn't start it sooner and have more kids. In the end all the fancy restaurants, nights out, fancy vacations with first class airfare, etc were nice in some ways but pretty vapid and unimportant when looking back. I won't value those years very much compared to the years with children in the house. The energy kids bring into a home and the meaningfulness of their existence is just incomparable in my experience. But I get it, and the idea of kids was scary at one time, but it turns out they're pretty easy all things considered. Lots of talk of "sacrifice" between friends back then but as it turns out you're trading something of little value for something of immense value. But to each their own!

hanslovsky 2y ago
I have the sentiment. would have loved to have kids earlier, but I also was not in the position at an earlier age, relationship wise. Growing up in Germany, having kids in your 20s was almost frowned upon. what a terrible societal development!
thinkingtoilet 2y ago
Just to provide a counter point you don't hear. I have two kids and very much wish I didn't. I love my kids. I sacrifice for them. There are many moments of great joy. However, I don't really have a life any more. I would rather spend my time traveling, visiting friends, playing music. I would rather have more money. I would rather be healthier. I would rather have time for my hobbies. Being a good parent is a lot and nearly all consuming. I feel like a lot of people feel like I do but are too decent to say it out loud.
- insane_dreamer 2y ago
  that's sad (I don't mean that in a mean way) yeah, there are times when I've felt like that, but they're pretty fleeting at what age did you start a family? I think one of the reasons people should start a family a bit later (early thirties maybe) is so that they have the opportunity to experience/enjoy those things without kids (and not have to wait until the kids are all grown up and then they're in their 50s and it's just not the same as the stuff you can do in your 20s).
  - thinkingtoilet 2y ago
    First and 35 and second at 37.
- shikshake 2y ago
  I don't know if you're already aware of it, but there's a subreddit called /r/regretfulparents that is basically a public support group for people who feel similarly to you. You might find some comfort there.
- carlosjobim 2y ago
  You're just using your kids as an excuse for your own short comings. People do done all those things you listed while having more than two kids. Seriously, blaming your health problems on your children?
- aybassiouny 2y ago
  I used to think this is where I am heading, until reading “Hunt, Gather, Parent”, and realizing that being a good parent does not mean my existence as an individual needs to stop. Me and my kids can co-exist. I just need to let go of controlling their lives.
- toomuchtodo 2y ago
  You are not alone, and I would encourage you to ignore anyone who says you are a bad person for regretting a one way door many default to. I had kids, but I wouldn't do it again knowing what I know now. If these ideas are not discussed, younger cohorts don't have more information to potentially make different decisions and lead potentially better lives (depending on what they're optimizing for). https://www.axios.com/2024/07/25/adults-no-children-why-pew-data https://www.axios.com/2024/07/25/adults-no-children-why-pew-... ("64% of young women say they just don't want children, compared to 50% of men.")
- StefanBatory 2y ago
  I sincerely hope your kids will never read this. They will never forget.
- nox101 2y ago
  I know this is a week old post so there will likely not be any follow up but I have several friends that seem to have it all They have 2 or 3 kids. They love their kids and love spending time with them. Yet, they still have time for hobbies and side projects. I don't know how they do it 1 friend, 2 kids (8-12), FAANG job, 2nd company on the side with a partner, plays horror games and writes about them. 1 friend, 2 kids (7-11), FANNG job, plays video games with this brother remotely, takes his kids out often and they hang out with this friends (we all love the kids). He's also the cook in the house and has people over often. Goes snowboarding in the window. 1 friend, 3 kids (6-8-10), plays videos games (hobby 1), plays guitar (hobby 2), does photograph (hobby 3), see his picts on facebook all the time of the latest thing he's doing 1 friend, 3 kids (8, 10, 12), makes video games for a job and makes his own at home for hobby. One of this kids is also into making video games which they share. 1 friend, 2 kids, tech job, loves VR, plays VR with kids, writes tech tutorials for blogs as hobby. I'm not saying "you can do it too", I'm just saying I see example of people that somehow *seem* like they're enjoying visiting friends, playing music, having time for hobbies, and they have kids Would love to know if they just lucked out. If there's specific things they do. Or if it's just an attitude. Or something else.
imetatroll 2y ago
I think that any loving, financial well couple would discover the same, but all I hear from younger people is excuses as to why kids are a burden. It drives me a bit crazy.
- Spivak 2y ago
  Well because to young people kids are a burden. I think that's the easiest way to put it. You're not really established in your careers, stability isn't something you can manufacture for yourself yet, you don't have that much disposable income all things considered, a lot of folks' relationships haven't matured into something stable enough to effectively parent, and you still have a persistent drive to do stuff and build or grow your adult friendships. My friends who are parents are very much trapped at home, it's actually great for me because if I'm bored I know they're not doing anything are are starving for social contact with another adult. It's hard for parents to not inadvertently isolate themselves.
- jmb99 2y ago
  Some disincentives to have kids, if you grew up in the 21st century: - The cost (financial, time, stress/health) is incredibly high. When cost of living as one person increases somewhere between notably and substantially faster than wages, it’s hard to justify paying for another person while likely also taking an income cut. You end up with entire classes of people whose careers will struggle to pay for their own life, let alone that of a kid. This is playing out in real time - I personally know people who commute 30-45 minutes by car to make $23/hour (in Canada, in a moderately high CoL city - that’s $16USD). When I was in university, some of my classmates who worked at the Starbucks near campus had coworkers (there were at least two instances of this that I know of) in their 40s with kids who commuted over an hour to make however much money Starbucks managers make, and one had a second job on weekends. It’s not hard to look at that and think, “how is that something you’d want to do to yourself?” - The feeling (perceived or real) that the world is becoming a worse place. 24 hour news and social media don’t help, with either the perception or the actual situation. Why would I want to raise a kid who could be a victim of one of the weekly school shootings? Or who’s going to be left dealing with an even harder life financially/etc? Or who’s going to resent older generations for selfishly wasting the earth’s resources? It’s generally quite easy when you work in tech with a partner who works in tech to just assume that having kids is an easy choice (I work with people who are like that, who apparently only see the world through rose-tinted glasses, and are shocked someone could even possibly not want to pop out as many babies as possible). But when you look at the level of struggle a significant portion of the population endures, as they become generally more educated and more capable of critical thinking over time, it’s pretty clear why large swaths of people will start thinking “maybe we shouldn’t have kids just for the sake of having kids, especially if we don’t actually want to.” That’s ignoring of course the general overpopulation and lack of sustainability of the western lifestyle (and the associated impact of having a kid on climate change - pretty much the single worst thing you could do, if you can about that at all). People who are tuned in to those sorts of issues are also more likely to not want kids, either because they don’t want to contribute to the problem, or raise kids who will have to deal with the fallout. If you’re driven crazy by people having a different viewpoint from your own, you may want to consider reflecting on why you are so deeply entrenched in your beliefs. It is rarely productive.

hanslovsky 2y ago

I have the sentiment. would have loved to have kids earlier, but I also was not in the position at an earlier age, relationship wise. Growing up in Germany, having kids in your 20s was almost frowned upon. what a terrible societal development!

thinkingtoilet 2y ago

Just to provide a counter point you don't hear. I have two kids and very much wish I didn't. I love my kids. I sacrifice for them. There are many moments of great joy. However, I don't really have a life any more. I would rather spend my time traveling, visiting friends, playing music. I would rather have more money. I would rather be healthier. I would rather have time for my hobbies. Being a good parent is a lot and nearly all consuming. I feel like a lot of people feel like I do but are too decent to say it out loud.

insane_dreamer 2y ago
that's sad (I don't mean that in a mean way) yeah, there are times when I've felt like that, but they're pretty fleeting at what age did you start a family? I think one of the reasons people should start a family a bit later (early thirties maybe) is so that they have the opportunity to experience/enjoy those things without kids (and not have to wait until the kids are all grown up and then they're in their 50s and it's just not the same as the stuff you can do in your 20s).
- thinkingtoilet 2y ago
  First and 35 and second at 37.
shikshake 2y ago
I don't know if you're already aware of it, but there's a subreddit called /r/regretfulparents that is basically a public support group for people who feel similarly to you. You might find some comfort there.
carlosjobim 2y ago
You're just using your kids as an excuse for your own short comings. People do done all those things you listed while having more than two kids. Seriously, blaming your health problems on your children?
aybassiouny 2y ago
I used to think this is where I am heading, until reading “Hunt, Gather, Parent”, and realizing that being a good parent does not mean my existence as an individual needs to stop. Me and my kids can co-exist. I just need to let go of controlling their lives.
toomuchtodo 2y ago
You are not alone, and I would encourage you to ignore anyone who says you are a bad person for regretting a one way door many default to. I had kids, but I wouldn't do it again knowing what I know now. If these ideas are not discussed, younger cohorts don't have more information to potentially make different decisions and lead potentially better lives (depending on what they're optimizing for). https://www.axios.com/2024/07/25/adults-no-children-why-pew-data https://www.axios.com/2024/07/25/adults-no-children-why-pew-... ("64% of young women say they just don't want children, compared to 50% of men.")
StefanBatory 2y ago
I sincerely hope your kids will never read this. They will never forget.
nox101 2y ago
I know this is a week old post so there will likely not be any follow up but I have several friends that seem to have it all They have 2 or 3 kids. They love their kids and love spending time with them. Yet, they still have time for hobbies and side projects. I don't know how they do it 1 friend, 2 kids (8-12), FAANG job, 2nd company on the side with a partner, plays horror games and writes about them. 1 friend, 2 kids (7-11), FANNG job, plays video games with this brother remotely, takes his kids out often and they hang out with this friends (we all love the kids). He's also the cook in the house and has people over often. Goes snowboarding in the window. 1 friend, 3 kids (6-8-10), plays videos games (hobby 1), plays guitar (hobby 2), does photograph (hobby 3), see his picts on facebook all the time of the latest thing he's doing 1 friend, 3 kids (8, 10, 12), makes video games for a job and makes his own at home for hobby. One of this kids is also into making video games which they share. 1 friend, 2 kids, tech job, loves VR, plays VR with kids, writes tech tutorials for blogs as hobby. I'm not saying "you can do it too", I'm just saying I see example of people that somehow *seem* like they're enjoying visiting friends, playing music, having time for hobbies, and they have kids Would love to know if they just lucked out. If there's specific things they do. Or if it's just an attitude. Or something else.

imetatroll 2y ago

I think that any loving, financial well couple would discover the same, but all I hear from younger people is excuses as to why kids are a burden. It drives me a bit crazy.

Spivak 2y ago
Well because to young people kids are a burden. I think that's the easiest way to put it. You're not really established in your careers, stability isn't something you can manufacture for yourself yet, you don't have that much disposable income all things considered, a lot of folks' relationships haven't matured into something stable enough to effectively parent, and you still have a persistent drive to do stuff and build or grow your adult friendships. My friends who are parents are very much trapped at home, it's actually great for me because if I'm bored I know they're not doing anything are are starving for social contact with another adult. It's hard for parents to not inadvertently isolate themselves.
jmb99 2y ago
Some disincentives to have kids, if you grew up in the 21st century: - The cost (financial, time, stress/health) is incredibly high. When cost of living as one person increases somewhere between notably and substantially faster than wages, it’s hard to justify paying for another person while likely also taking an income cut. You end up with entire classes of people whose careers will struggle to pay for their own life, let alone that of a kid. This is playing out in real time - I personally know people who commute 30-45 minutes by car to make $23/hour (in Canada, in a moderately high CoL city - that’s $16USD). When I was in university, some of my classmates who worked at the Starbucks near campus had coworkers (there were at least two instances of this that I know of) in their 40s with kids who commuted over an hour to make however much money Starbucks managers make, and one had a second job on weekends. It’s not hard to look at that and think, “how is that something you’d want to do to yourself?” - The feeling (perceived or real) that the world is becoming a worse place. 24 hour news and social media don’t help, with either the perception or the actual situation. Why would I want to raise a kid who could be a victim of one of the weekly school shootings? Or who’s going to be left dealing with an even harder life financially/etc? Or who’s going to resent older generations for selfishly wasting the earth’s resources? It’s generally quite easy when you work in tech with a partner who works in tech to just assume that having kids is an easy choice (I work with people who are like that, who apparently only see the world through rose-tinted glasses, and are shocked someone could even possibly not want to pop out as many babies as possible). But when you look at the level of struggle a significant portion of the population endures, as they become generally more educated and more capable of critical thinking over time, it’s pretty clear why large swaths of people will start thinking “maybe we shouldn’t have kids just for the sake of having kids, especially if we don’t actually want to.” That’s ignoring of course the general overpopulation and lack of sustainability of the western lifestyle (and the associated impact of having a kid on climate change - pretty much the single worst thing you could do, if you can about that at all). People who are tuned in to those sorts of issues are also more likely to not want kids, either because they don’t want to contribute to the problem, or raise kids who will have to deal with the fallout. If you’re driven crazy by people having a different viewpoint from your own, you may want to consider reflecting on why you are so deeply entrenched in your beliefs. It is rarely productive.