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I'm not used to putting effort into friendships, so it does sound like an unwelcome task. And it sounds phony, since I have never put effort before. If I have

I'm not used to putting effort into friendships, so it does sound like an unwelcome task. And it sounds phony, since I have never put effort before. If I have to put effort then am I not faking it?

tejaskumar_ 2y ago
I'm not sure I understand this: do you mean you don't put in effort, or you do but the effort doesn't _feel_ like work?
ChrisMarshallNY 2y ago
I'm "on the spectrum," so human relationships are a bit foreign to me. I'd make a great hermit. Pretty much every relationship I have "doesn't come natural." I need to put conscious effort into every one. I have also been involved in an organization, for most of my adult life, that has been instrumental, in helping to force me to have relationships with others, and it has taught me to be a good friend, and has given me good friends. I'm not really into "transactional" relationships. In many cases, the extent of our relationship is only where we need to work with each other. I don't need to be their buddy, but, in the context of our work, I have found that it helps me to develop a true interest in the other person. In my experience, I have realized that I'm actually a "people person." I really like people, and have found great utility, in ignoring my prejudices, and actually finding out a lot about the others in my life.
- zafka 2y ago
  I really identify with your last sentence! Well actually your whole comment.
- Dracophoenix 2y ago
  > Pretty much every relationship I have "doesn't come natural." I need to put conscious effort into every one. In what way exactly?
  - ChrisMarshallNY 2y ago
    Hard to explain. I don't "get" people, naturally. I don't feel the "proper" emotions, for situations, I have a fairly self-sufficient internal world, that doesn't really "need" other people. It's made me a good coder, but has made my relationships challenging. It's really a long story, and one that others have told, far better than I can.
throwaway14356 2y ago
minimal effort can be fun. you cam always think of people as specialized tools with needs. if you get a good idea about both and refresh it periodically you are done. If you document enough you will be able to satisfy some needs, sometimes with very little effort. They will remember they owe you and love to elaborate about what else they need. Listen and move on. fill up the rolodex

I'm not used to putting effort into friendships, so it does sound like an unwelcome task. And it sounds phony, since I have never put effort before. If I have to put effort then am I not faking it?

tejaskumar_ 2y ago

I'm not sure I understand this: do you mean you don't put in effort, or you do but the effort doesn't _feel_ like work?

ChrisMarshallNY 2y ago

I'm "on the spectrum," so human relationships are a bit foreign to me. I'd make a great hermit. Pretty much every relationship I have "doesn't come natural." I need to put conscious effort into every one. I have also been involved in an organization, for most of my adult life, that has been instrumental, in helping to force me to have relationships with others, and it has taught me to be a good friend, and has given me good friends. I'm not really into "transactional" relationships. In many cases, the extent of our relationship is only where we need to work with each other. I don't need to be their buddy, but, in the context of our work, I have found that it helps me to develop a true interest in the other person. In my experience, I have realized that I'm actually a "people person." I really like people, and have found great utility, in ignoring my prejudices, and actually finding out a lot about the others in my life.

zafka 2y ago
I really identify with your last sentence! Well actually your whole comment.
Dracophoenix 2y ago
> Pretty much every relationship I have "doesn't come natural." I need to put conscious effort into every one. In what way exactly?
- ChrisMarshallNY 2y ago
  Hard to explain. I don't "get" people, naturally. I don't feel the "proper" emotions, for situations, I have a fairly self-sufficient internal world, that doesn't really "need" other people. It's made me a good coder, but has made my relationships challenging. It's really a long story, and one that others have told, far better than I can.

throwaway14356 2y ago

minimal effort can be fun. you cam always think of people as specialized tools with needs. if you get a good idea about both and refresh it periodically you are done. If you document enough you will be able to satisfy some needs, sometimes with very little effort. They will remember they owe you and love to elaborate about what else they need. Listen and move on. fill up the rolodex