5 ms·

Yeah, I do this too. I do it so intensely that it's practically the story of my life. High praise and expectations from parents in youth led me to be afraid I'd

by sgibat 18y ago

Yeah, I do this too. I do it so intensely that it's practically the story of my life. High praise and expectations from parents in youth led me to be afraid I'd never reach them. Oh shit, did I just do it again? Seriously, I think years of sabotaging myself has led to a real effect on my work ethic, and I'm only just beginning to restructure my emotional schema.

brandnewlow 18y ago
Same story. School came so incredibly easy for me that I decided I was a genius or something in 4th grade. Anything that would clash with this self assessment was something to avoid. And sports did NOT come easily for me, so I decided I was terrible at them wouldn't ever be any good. Anything that would clash with this self assessment was something to avoid. I was ok with letting a ball get through into the goal every once in a while. It confirmed my self image. The truth, that maybe I wasn't that smart but also wasn't that terrible at soccer, would have been a lot harder to swallow. Still is probably. The New Yorker recently published a profile of Alec Baldwin that describes this phenomenon very well. http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/09/08/080908fa_fact_parker?currentPage=all http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/09/08/080908fa_fact_... The writer observes that Baldwin has an excuse for every bad performance. And that his life narrative, as he describes it, consists only of triumphs and miserable failures. "Baldwin is perhaps too easily seduced by a narrative of grand failure, rather than accepting a quieter story of qualified success; but by his account, one that hurries past some fine performances, almost everything he did in film from that point on (post-Hunt for Red October) was, at best, dissatisfying." ---------------------- I think that "quieter story" is what scared me as a kid and what scares me sometimes still, the fear of being just another average person with some successes and stumbles, rather than someone "special." This is narcissism right?
- peregrine 18y ago
  Yes. I have the same issue completely. :)
- robg 18y ago
  This issue is also tied into how we're praised as kids: http://www.mindhacks.com/blog/2007/02/the_power_of_praise.html http://www.mindhacks.com/blog/2007/02/the_power_of_praise.ht... You were probably told you were really smart and so you tended to believe it. Better to praise the results than make blanket statements about the kid.
  - sgibat 18y ago
    Yes, exactly. As an adult, I realize how and why everything happened the way it did. But what I still don't understand is how to fix it. How do you radically change yourself, especially when the thing you're trying to change negatively affects your ability to do so?
  - scott_s 18y ago
    I recommend reading the entire NY Magazine article they link to.
    - gcheong 18y ago
      I recommend reading her book "Mindset" as well.
  - brandnewlow 18y ago
    I thought of that New York Times piece, too. Yup. So then you wonder about your parents. Praising the innate intelligence of your kid is kind of like praising your own intelligence. You can't really pass on "hard work" or "effort."
    - robg 18y ago
      I understand what you mean, but passing on "hard work" and "effort" would seem to pay greater dividends.
    - gcheong 18y ago
      I think you can pass on a tendency to persist rather than give up though. Perhaps persistence and effort is more learnable than intelligence, but there does seem to be some hint that there is a genetic component to this trait. I am thinking of some experiments done with dogs where the dogs were shocked and they could escape the shock by jumping over a fairly short barrier. Some dogs persisted until they found the way out while others fairly readily just gave up, sat down and started whimpering despite the shocks.
- wallflower 18y ago
  > so I decided I was terrible at them wouldn't ever be any good. Anything that would clash with this self assessment was something to avoid. How often do we make excuses to avoid doing something or taking an action that might benefit us? e.g. what if that girl actually wants to talk to you..
  - scott_s 18y ago
    Intentional irony?
  - brandnewlow 18y ago
    She might be dying to talk to you. She might think you're the coolest guy in the room. But no. You're the smart guy who tragically never gets any play. You're a tortured soul of epic proportions. Having a fairly pretty girlfriend would be...normal
- gommm 18y ago
  I've had the same behavior as a kid. Starting middle school I stopped doing any homework whatsoever partly to better fit in by not seeming too serious, partly to prove to myself that I could succeed without (and have a convenient excuse if I didn't)... On the other hand in sports, I behaved exactly the way you describe... The fear to be a normal average person is powerful...

by sgibat 18y ago

brandnewlow 18y ago

Same story. School came so incredibly easy for me that I decided I was a genius or something in 4th grade. Anything that would clash with this self assessment was something to avoid. And sports did NOT come easily for me, so I decided I was terrible at them wouldn't ever be any good. Anything that would clash with this self assessment was something to avoid. I was ok with letting a ball get through into the goal every once in a while. It confirmed my self image. The truth, that maybe I wasn't that smart but also wasn't that terrible at soccer, would have been a lot harder to swallow. Still is probably. The New Yorker recently published a profile of Alec Baldwin that describes this phenomenon very well. http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/09/08/080908fa_fact_parker?currentPage=all http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/09/08/080908fa_fact_... The writer observes that Baldwin has an excuse for every bad performance. And that his life narrative, as he describes it, consists only of triumphs and miserable failures. "Baldwin is perhaps too easily seduced by a narrative of grand failure, rather than accepting a quieter story of qualified success; but by his account, one that hurries past some fine performances, almost everything he did in film from that point on (post-Hunt for Red October) was, at best, dissatisfying." ---------------------- I think that "quieter story" is what scared me as a kid and what scares me sometimes still, the fear of being just another average person with some successes and stumbles, rather than someone "special." This is narcissism right?

peregrine 18y ago
Yes. I have the same issue completely. :)
robg 18y ago
This issue is also tied into how we're praised as kids: http://www.mindhacks.com/blog/2007/02/the_power_of_praise.html http://www.mindhacks.com/blog/2007/02/the_power_of_praise.ht... You were probably told you were really smart and so you tended to believe it. Better to praise the results than make blanket statements about the kid.
- sgibat 18y ago
  Yes, exactly. As an adult, I realize how and why everything happened the way it did. But what I still don't understand is how to fix it. How do you radically change yourself, especially when the thing you're trying to change negatively affects your ability to do so?
- scott_s 18y ago
  I recommend reading the entire NY Magazine article they link to.
  - gcheong 18y ago
    I recommend reading her book "Mindset" as well.
- brandnewlow 18y ago
  I thought of that New York Times piece, too. Yup. So then you wonder about your parents. Praising the innate intelligence of your kid is kind of like praising your own intelligence. You can't really pass on "hard work" or "effort."
  - robg 18y ago
    I understand what you mean, but passing on "hard work" and "effort" would seem to pay greater dividends.
  - gcheong 18y ago
    I think you can pass on a tendency to persist rather than give up though. Perhaps persistence and effort is more learnable than intelligence, but there does seem to be some hint that there is a genetic component to this trait. I am thinking of some experiments done with dogs where the dogs were shocked and they could escape the shock by jumping over a fairly short barrier. Some dogs persisted until they found the way out while others fairly readily just gave up, sat down and started whimpering despite the shocks.
wallflower 18y ago
> so I decided I was terrible at them wouldn't ever be any good. Anything that would clash with this self assessment was something to avoid. How often do we make excuses to avoid doing something or taking an action that might benefit us? e.g. what if that girl actually wants to talk to you..
- scott_s 18y ago
  Intentional irony?
- brandnewlow 18y ago
  She might be dying to talk to you. She might think you're the coolest guy in the room. But no. You're the smart guy who tragically never gets any play. You're a tortured soul of epic proportions. Having a fairly pretty girlfriend would be...normal
gommm 18y ago
I've had the same behavior as a kid. Starting middle school I stopped doing any homework whatsoever partly to better fit in by not seeming too serious, partly to prove to myself that I could succeed without (and have a convenient excuse if I didn't)... On the other hand in sports, I behaved exactly the way you describe... The fear to be a normal average person is powerful...