4 ms·
Frighteningly accurate description of behavior I've caught myself engaging in. It's a vicious cycle best defeated by working on things with people who know you
by brandnewlow 18y ago
Frighteningly accurate description of behavior I've caught myself engaging in. It's a vicious cycle best defeated by working on things with people who know you well and won't put up with it.
- sgibat 18y agoYeah, I do this too. I do it so intensely that it's practically the story of my life. High praise and expectations from parents in youth led me to be afraid I'd never reach them. Oh shit, did I just do it again? Seriously, I think years of sabotaging myself has led to a real effect on my work ethic, and I'm only just beginning to restructure my emotional schema.
- brandnewlow 18y agoSame story. School came so incredibly easy for me that I decided I was a genius or something in 4th grade. Anything that would clash with this self assessment was something to avoid. And sports did NOT come easily for me, so I decided I was terrible at them wouldn't ever be any good. Anything that would clash with this self assessment was something to avoid. I was ok with letting a ball get through into the goal every once in a while. It confirmed my self image. The truth, that maybe I wasn't that smart but also wasn't that terrible at soccer, would have been a lot harder to swallow. Still is probably. The New Yorker recently published a profile of Alec Baldwin that describes this phenomenon very well. http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/09/08/080908fa_fact_parker?currentPage=all http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/09/08/080908fa_fact_... The writer observes that Baldwin has an excuse for every bad performance. And that his life narrative, as he describes it, consists only of triumphs and miserable failures. "Baldwin is perhaps too easily seduced by a narrative of grand failure, rather than accepting a quieter story of qualified success; but by his account, one that hurries past some fine performances, almost everything he did in film from that point on (post-Hunt for Red October) was, at best, dissatisfying." ---------------------- I think that "quieter story" is what scared me as a kid and what scares me sometimes still, the fear of being just another average person with some successes and stumbles, rather than someone "special." This is narcissism right?
- peregrine 18y agoYes. I have the same issue completely. :)
- robg 18y agoThis issue is also tied into how we're praised as kids: http://www.mindhacks.com/blog/2007/02/the_power_of_praise.html http://www.mindhacks.com/blog/2007/02/the_power_of_praise.ht... You were probably told you were really smart and so you tended to believe it. Better to praise the results than make blanket statements about the kid.
- sgibat 18y agoYes, exactly. As an adult, I realize how and why everything happened the way it did. But what I still don't understand is how to fix it. How do you radically change yourself, especially when the thing you're trying to change negatively affects your ability to do so?
- scott_s 18y agoI recommend reading the entire NY Magazine article they link to.
- gcheong 18y agoI recommend reading her book "Mindset" as well.
- brandnewlow 18y agoI thought of that New York Times piece, too. Yup. So then you wonder about your parents. Praising the innate intelligence of your kid is kind of like praising your own intelligence. You can't really pass on "hard work" or "effort."
- robg 18y agoI understand what you mean, but passing on "hard work" and "effort" would seem to pay greater dividends.