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There's tonnes of worthless merchandise and supplements of a dubious nature which The Onion, the least expected of all possible buyers, now has to find a use fo

There's tonnes of worthless merchandise and supplements of a dubious nature which The Onion, the least expected of all possible buyers, now has to find a use for. My first suggestion would be melting down all of the 500% marked up gold bars[0] and make a one-time-run charity auction collectible for the Sandy Hook families. Or upcycling all the paper in Alex Jones' books [1] into paper mache, and use it to make globes, to really stick it to the globalists! [0] https://www.infowarsstore.com/24-karat-999-pure-gold-collectible https://www.infowarsstore.com/24-karat-999-pure-gold-collect... [1] https://www.infowarsstore.com/infowars-media/books/the-great-awakening-alex-jones https://www.infowarsstore.com/infowars-media/books/the-great...

dmvdoug 2y ago
> As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.*
- ziddoap 2y ago
  Funny, for sure, but does not explain what they will be doing in reality.
  - SauciestGNU 2y ago
    They probably don't want to be in the business of selling unregulated, scammy, and potentially dangerous goods. They might destroy the merch. Who knows.
  - rsynnott 2y ago
    I'd assume destroy, maybe keep a bit for novelty value. Like, they're not going to resell it, you'd assume.
    - dmvdoug 2y ago
      There were a bunch of suggestions on the bluesky thread that they should donate samples of them to researchers so that they could figure out what was actually in the fucking things.
  - talldayo 2y ago
    That, or you didn't take them seriously enough. Bring me the candy bar!
  - m463 2y ago
    > On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. https://theonion.com/about-us/ https://theonion.com/about-us/
    - ziddoap 2y ago
      Ah, that explains it. They can test them on animals. Thanks!
      - Terr_ 2y ago
        No, that would be unethical, running the risk of healing the animals and helping them live longer lives without a high level of informed consent that only animals deserve. They will instead receive a set of carefully designed nocebos. The real supplements will be shipped needy areas in developing countries and then strategically withheld from anyone that desires them.
ixtli 2y ago
Phenomenal point!
gadders 2y ago
>> make a one-time-run charity auction collectible for the Sandy Hook families They've got $1.5billion. Probably don't need the gold as well. There might be equally valid causes with less funds.
- kregasaurusrex 2y ago
  I had the goldbugs and silver bugs in mind- they'd be more than willing to pay exorbitant markup, with the feel-good ennui of it going towards a good cause. These were $100 for a 1/10 gram at the time of writing and now are sold out. Coincidence???
- reaperducer 2y ago
  They've got $1.5billion. No, they've got a judgement on paper for $1.5 billion. This is part of the process of actually getting that money.
- paddy_m 2y ago
  They have a claim for $1.5B, they are going after all Alex Jones assets which are much less than $1.5B.
  - tightbookkeeper 2y ago
    Don’t forget their many other successful lawsuits: - school administration - rifle manufacturer - the shooters mother (home insurance) - other journalists who wrote about the event I don’t know exactly what compensation they should get, but this does not seem like a healthy or sustainable way for our society to deal with tragedy.
    - sofixa 2y ago
      > I don’t know exactly what compensation they should get, but this does not seem like a healthy or sustainable way for our society to deal with tragedy. I don't know if it's healthy or sustainable, but it definitely sounds healthier than ignoring the tragedy altogether.
nixdev 2y ago
> supplements of a dubious nature They are re-labled existing products that are sold in other places, and unironically already-recognized, before being re-labled by InfoWars, as very high quality. If you're gonna criticize InfoWars you have my 100% support in your right to do so, but try not to post out of your ass. This is HackerNews, not Reddit.
- blackguardx 2y ago
  Can you give an example of these high-quality supplements? Otherwise folks just have to take you at your word that they exist.
  - nixdev 2y ago
    [flagged]
  - not_a_bot_4sho 2y ago
    Honest question: are we talking about penis size supplements? Wondering if there is a joke going right over my head
- kregasaurusrex 2y ago
  There was a past disclosure where lead was found[0] within an in-house product. Buzzfeed did a story about sending some products to a lab and you're right they're safe existing products[1] only with Infowars' own exaggerated marketing labeled on. [0] https://oag.ca.gov/system/files/prop65/notices/2017-02319.pdf https://oag.ca.gov/system/files/prop65/notices/2017-02319.pd... [1] https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/charliewarzel/we-sent-alex-jones-infowars-supplements-to-a-lab-heres https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/charliewarzel/we-sent-a...
wyldfire 2y ago
> melting down all of the 500% marked up gold bars[0] and make a one-time-run charity auction collectible for the Sandy Hook families Or a monument / memorial to the deceased, in the hopes that the truth would outlive Jones's lies.
NotYourLawyer 2y ago
And the flat earthers.
rtkwe 2y ago
InfoWars only shilled for gold sellers. Their business was entirely Vitamins/Supplement, Merch, and crazy AFAIK they never sold gold directly.
TZubiri 2y ago
I don't know man, it's not like the dude caused the Sandy Hook massacre, just take this win and let the victims rest in peace. Let the Onion do it's things and cut ties.
- augusto-moura 2y ago
  And pocket the money from the gold bars? Probably better to donate them anyway, better yet to give it back to victims involved in his lies

dmvdoug 2y ago

> As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.*

ziddoap 2y ago
Funny, for sure, but does not explain what they will be doing in reality.
- SauciestGNU 2y ago
  They probably don't want to be in the business of selling unregulated, scammy, and potentially dangerous goods. They might destroy the merch. Who knows.
- rsynnott 2y ago
  I'd assume destroy, maybe keep a bit for novelty value. Like, they're not going to resell it, you'd assume.
  - dmvdoug 2y ago
    There were a bunch of suggestions on the bluesky thread that they should donate samples of them to researchers so that they could figure out what was actually in the fucking things.
- talldayo 2y ago
  That, or you didn't take them seriously enough. Bring me the candy bar!
- m463 2y ago
  > On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. https://theonion.com/about-us/ https://theonion.com/about-us/
  - ziddoap 2y ago
    Ah, that explains it. They can test them on animals. Thanks!
    - Terr_ 2y ago
      No, that would be unethical, running the risk of healing the animals and helping them live longer lives without a high level of informed consent that only animals deserve. They will instead receive a set of carefully designed nocebos. The real supplements will be shipped needy areas in developing countries and then strategically withheld from anyone that desires them.

ixtli 2y ago

Phenomenal point!

gadders 2y ago

>> make a one-time-run charity auction collectible for the Sandy Hook families They've got $1.5billion. Probably don't need the gold as well. There might be equally valid causes with less funds.

kregasaurusrex 2y ago
I had the goldbugs and silver bugs in mind- they'd be more than willing to pay exorbitant markup, with the feel-good ennui of it going towards a good cause. These were $100 for a 1/10 gram at the time of writing and now are sold out. Coincidence???
reaperducer 2y ago
They've got $1.5billion. No, they've got a judgement on paper for $1.5 billion. This is part of the process of actually getting that money.
paddy_m 2y ago
They have a claim for $1.5B, they are going after all Alex Jones assets which are much less than $1.5B.
- tightbookkeeper 2y ago
  Don’t forget their many other successful lawsuits: - school administration - rifle manufacturer - the shooters mother (home insurance) - other journalists who wrote about the event I don’t know exactly what compensation they should get, but this does not seem like a healthy or sustainable way for our society to deal with tragedy.
  - sofixa 2y ago
    > I don’t know exactly what compensation they should get, but this does not seem like a healthy or sustainable way for our society to deal with tragedy. I don't know if it's healthy or sustainable, but it definitely sounds healthier than ignoring the tragedy altogether.

nixdev 2y ago

> supplements of a dubious nature They are re-labled existing products that are sold in other places, and unironically already-recognized, before being re-labled by InfoWars, as very high quality. If you're gonna criticize InfoWars you have my 100% support in your right to do so, but try not to post out of your ass. This is HackerNews, not Reddit.

blackguardx 2y ago
Can you give an example of these high-quality supplements? Otherwise folks just have to take you at your word that they exist.
- nixdev 2y ago
  [flagged]
- not_a_bot_4sho 2y ago
  Honest question: are we talking about penis size supplements? Wondering if there is a joke going right over my head
kregasaurusrex 2y ago
There was a past disclosure where lead was found[0] within an in-house product. Buzzfeed did a story about sending some products to a lab and you're right they're safe existing products[1] only with Infowars' own exaggerated marketing labeled on. [0] https://oag.ca.gov/system/files/prop65/notices/2017-02319.pdf https://oag.ca.gov/system/files/prop65/notices/2017-02319.pd... [1] https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/charliewarzel/we-sent-alex-jones-infowars-supplements-to-a-lab-heres https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/charliewarzel/we-sent-a...

wyldfire 2y ago

> melting down all of the 500% marked up gold bars[0] and make a one-time-run charity auction collectible for the Sandy Hook families Or a monument / memorial to the deceased, in the hopes that the truth would outlive Jones's lies.

NotYourLawyer 2y ago

And the flat earthers.

rtkwe 2y ago

InfoWars only shilled for gold sellers. Their business was entirely Vitamins/Supplement, Merch, and crazy AFAIK they never sold gold directly.

TZubiri 2y ago

I don't know man, it's not like the dude caused the Sandy Hook massacre, just take this win and let the victims rest in peace. Let the Onion do it's things and cut ties.

augusto-moura 2y ago
And pocket the money from the gold bars? Probably better to donate them anyway, better yet to give it back to victims involved in his lies