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I see you. My wife has bpd. It's such a hard condition to explain, and most people in my life (even my loved ones) are so far removed from the experience it som

I see you. My wife has bpd. It's such a hard condition to explain, and most people in my life (even my loved ones) are so far removed from the experience it sometimes feels like I am talking about my experience visiting another planet. And this is from people that love me and are trying to support. Couple that with the "top 10 tips" as you said and it's just soul-crushing. Thankfully I have finally found some people who are in similar situations and even the feeling of being seen brings so much relief.

partner_privacy 2y ago
I'm in a long-distance[1] situationship[2], and my significant other has bpd (we believe) as well as other difficult co-morbidities. I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do? I'm trying to be caring, but also stay partially detached in case the worst happens. The election results are not helping. I may be oversharing, and I don't know if you have any advice to give. But I have not met anyone in a similar situation. I wouldn't even know where to find them, or if that would even help. [1] Started off in the same place, but we both had to move back to our home countries. [2] We are young and it doesn't seem right to plan our lives together so early. Especially since it would involve moving countries, potential career ramifications, a lot more caretaking, etc. We didn't start the relationship thinking we would be together as long, but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.
- mmooss 2y ago
  > I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do? (Caveat: I have experience with people who have other conditions, but not with someone who has BPD.) Look at the other messages here: What do people need? To be seen. To not carry the burden by ourselves. That is what your significant other needs. See them, be interested in them, be curious about them - just for their sake, as they are, as if they were valuable and lovable and important as they are. Give them space to talk, without any resistance at all from you; wrap your arms around them, physically or emotionally, and let them be and talk. Leave yourself and your ideas out of it, way out of it. As a crass comparison, it's a bit like looking at a painting or reading a book that you love - you dive into it, you leave yourself behind, you want to know more about the author, the characters, what they mean, what they are thinking ... they have nothing to do with you. Problem solving is a much different mode - those are your ideas. That has always been my instinct and I've had to learn to leave that behind. Unless someone makes clear they want it, just listen. Your S.O. doesn't need to be right or wrong - it doesn't matter. They are just very, very lonely with their condition. Imagine you have a problem that is not only awful, overwhelming and terrifying, but others condemn you for it (even though there's little you can do), ostracize you for it. Even your loved ones don't want to know the truth, the reality of it - they can't handle it, amplifying your isolation and pain; they pull away. Don't pull away.
  - rectang 2y ago
    > What do people need? People need money. Being a caregiver is financially devastating because those who need the care often exceed their means, and society expects caregivers to pick up the tab. We've emphasized quantity of life over quality of life; that diminished quality of life often comes not only in the form of physical and emotional suffering, but also impoverishment. And in the US, caregiving about to get even more financially devastating as the ACA is either repealed or gutted.
    - mmooss 2y ago
      Harris said she would fund caregiving, I think through Medicare. > People need money. They need other things too.
  - rramadass 2y ago
    Well Said and Good Advice.
  - hunter-gatherer 2y ago
    I don't know... My older brother took the exact approach you just outlined with his SO, and he did it with more sincerity and compassion than anyone I know. She has a handful of illnesses and it has completely wrecked his life to the point that he might as well be dead. He isn't the person I grew up with. In a lot of ways, he already is dead, and it sucks really bad. He no longer is the compassionate person I knew. He doesn't have control of his own physical health anymore. He has no friends. It is a terrible situation. My point is that if it looks like beinf supportive is going to wreck your life too, maybe it's not worth it, especially when you're young. Before everyone downvotes me and has a knee jerk reaction, consider that I have told you next to nothing of the entire situation, so you'll be responding to something you know nothing about.
    - mmooss 2y ago
      Wow, that's pretty extreme! It's hard to imagine how someone could write something more extreme. I don't see how listening to someone in a different way, which is what I described in the GP, would cause someone to lose control of their physical health, lose their friends, etc. ?
- willcipriano 2y ago
  [flagged]
  - JimmyBuckets 2y ago
    You are deeply wrong here. And this is recklessly dangerous advice to give here with so little information on their situation. You should delete your comment. I'm sorry you didn't manage to fix your situation but you can't generalize this. BPD is a complex, varied mental illness that does respond well when treatment is pursued (e.g. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6007584/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6007584/).
    - willcipriano 2y ago
      Read some real life accounts of victims of BPD individuals here for contrast: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/ https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/ I thought I was special as well. I wasn't and neither is anyone else posting there.
      - partner_privacy 2y ago
        I read your other comment. It seems you went through a difficult situation. I'm genuinely sorry that happened to you. I hard disagree on treatment for BPD. It's known to be treatable, but treatment options are different than other mental illnesses. And please don't share that link. It is just doing more harm to people with BPD. I know because I witnessed first hand how hurt and hopeless my SO was on finding that subreddit. In the midst of trying to diagnose themself on the path to finding a working treatment, the found that subreddit (or a similar one) that told them they are monsters. I don't think its a helpful message to go out to the world. I understand it if people go on there to find support after a bad situation like yours happened to them. I don't blame you or anyone. But I implore you to find some compassion, not for the person you were with, but for those who you've never met, who haven't done anything wrong, and who still have the chance to have a good life. There is variety in people's conditions and personalities. I don't think it is fair to judge everyone just by their label. 2 more small things: 1. I couldn't care less if my SO found someone else local. In fact I hope they do, so the emotional burden can be spread out over more people. 2. The person you are asking to read "real life accounts" is married to someone with BPD, they are not just an academic. They know their stuff.
- JimmyBuckets 2y ago
  Me and my wife were long distance too, through the worst of it, and during covid (Brazil to Europe). There's certainly advice I can give , or at least experience I can share. It's a pity we can't message on this platform so if you want to send me an email to flatnailedfeatherlessbiped@proton.me, we can chat there
  - partner_privacy 2y ago
    > It's a pity we can't message on this platform I was thinking the same in relation to your original comment. I'll send an email your way, thank you for sharing it.
- tdeck 2y ago
  > but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation. I have no special psychology experience but this feels like a red flag to me. Guilt is not a good foundation for building a lifelong relationship with someone. You deserve a partner that supports your needs as well. There are so many people out there with problems and there are ways you can help people without being their romantic partner if that's what you choose to do.
  - partner_privacy 2y ago
    I appreciate your concern. I recognize it's not a great situation. However I'm not really sure it's helpful to put it in terms of flags. Maybe I'm missing your point. I'm not really trying to build a relationship out of guilt. I'm already in this relationship (whether romantic or other doesn't really matter). Also I don't understand this part: > There are so many people out there with problems and there are ways you can help people without being their romantic partner if that's what you choose to do. If you allow me to strawman you for a second, you are saying to cut contact with them and instead volunteer with a non-profit organization? I feel like I must have misunderstood you, so please correct me. For what it's worth, they do support my needs as well. No complaints there. They are actually amazingly considerate and supportive given their situation.
willcipriano 2y ago
I'm in the same situation. She refuses any treatment. I learned too late that mental illness may be a reason but it's never an excuse for behavior. Make sure you keep your cup (and your childrens if applicable) full before you do anything to fill hers. Otherwise you will wake up one day miserable, fat and poor.
- MobileVet 2y ago
  I am so sorry. I see you. My wife is bipolar, HSP, ADHD… it’s called severe mental illness for a reason. I was eating blue pills for 20 years. I finally took the red pill and realized it wasn’t going to change, we weren’t going to find a magic cocktail, she isn’t going to find stability. Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with no option c. It is miserable. The airlines have it right, ‘Put on your mask first.’ If you are hypoxic , you can’t help anyone. Care giving is all about self care.
  - willcipriano 2y ago
    Lucky I only ate the blue pills for ten so I'm 35 and have a chance to turn my life around. The advice for men that you often see essentially boils down to, "work harder to make her happy" that doesn't work for mental illness, in my case it made her more entitled, adulterous and rude. I need to save up money to defend myself against her lies, document her mental illness so I can prove to the court she isn't a fit mother and get me and my kid out of here. It's a long road but I'll get there eventually. I hope you get there as well.

partner_privacy 2y ago

I'm in a long-distance[1] situationship[2], and my significant other has bpd (we believe) as well as other difficult co-morbidities. I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do? I'm trying to be caring, but also stay partially detached in case the worst happens. The election results are not helping. I may be oversharing, and I don't know if you have any advice to give. But I have not met anyone in a similar situation. I wouldn't even know where to find them, or if that would even help. [1] Started off in the same place, but we both had to move back to our home countries. [2] We are young and it doesn't seem right to plan our lives together so early. Especially since it would involve moving countries, potential career ramifications, a lot more caretaking, etc. We didn't start the relationship thinking we would be together as long, but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.

mmooss 2y ago
> I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do? (Caveat: I have experience with people who have other conditions, but not with someone who has BPD.) Look at the other messages here: What do people need? To be seen. To not carry the burden by ourselves. That is what your significant other needs. See them, be interested in them, be curious about them - just for their sake, as they are, as if they were valuable and lovable and important as they are. Give them space to talk, without any resistance at all from you; wrap your arms around them, physically or emotionally, and let them be and talk. Leave yourself and your ideas out of it, way out of it. As a crass comparison, it's a bit like looking at a painting or reading a book that you love - you dive into it, you leave yourself behind, you want to know more about the author, the characters, what they mean, what they are thinking ... they have nothing to do with you. Problem solving is a much different mode - those are your ideas. That has always been my instinct and I've had to learn to leave that behind. Unless someone makes clear they want it, just listen. Your S.O. doesn't need to be right or wrong - it doesn't matter. They are just very, very lonely with their condition. Imagine you have a problem that is not only awful, overwhelming and terrifying, but others condemn you for it (even though there's little you can do), ostracize you for it. Even your loved ones don't want to know the truth, the reality of it - they can't handle it, amplifying your isolation and pain; they pull away. Don't pull away.
- rectang 2y ago
  > What do people need? People need money. Being a caregiver is financially devastating because those who need the care often exceed their means, and society expects caregivers to pick up the tab. We've emphasized quantity of life over quality of life; that diminished quality of life often comes not only in the form of physical and emotional suffering, but also impoverishment. And in the US, caregiving about to get even more financially devastating as the ACA is either repealed or gutted.
  - mmooss 2y ago
    Harris said she would fund caregiving, I think through Medicare. > People need money. They need other things too.
- rramadass 2y ago
  Well Said and Good Advice.
- hunter-gatherer 2y ago
  I don't know... My older brother took the exact approach you just outlined with his SO, and he did it with more sincerity and compassion than anyone I know. She has a handful of illnesses and it has completely wrecked his life to the point that he might as well be dead. He isn't the person I grew up with. In a lot of ways, he already is dead, and it sucks really bad. He no longer is the compassionate person I knew. He doesn't have control of his own physical health anymore. He has no friends. It is a terrible situation. My point is that if it looks like beinf supportive is going to wreck your life too, maybe it's not worth it, especially when you're young. Before everyone downvotes me and has a knee jerk reaction, consider that I have told you next to nothing of the entire situation, so you'll be responding to something you know nothing about.
  - mmooss 2y ago
    Wow, that's pretty extreme! It's hard to imagine how someone could write something more extreme. I don't see how listening to someone in a different way, which is what I described in the GP, would cause someone to lose control of their physical health, lose their friends, etc. ?
willcipriano 2y ago
[flagged]
- JimmyBuckets 2y ago
  You are deeply wrong here. And this is recklessly dangerous advice to give here with so little information on their situation. You should delete your comment. I'm sorry you didn't manage to fix your situation but you can't generalize this. BPD is a complex, varied mental illness that does respond well when treatment is pursued (e.g. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6007584/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6007584/).
  - willcipriano 2y ago
    Read some real life accounts of victims of BPD individuals here for contrast: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/ https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/ I thought I was special as well. I wasn't and neither is anyone else posting there.
    - partner_privacy 2y ago
      I read your other comment. It seems you went through a difficult situation. I'm genuinely sorry that happened to you. I hard disagree on treatment for BPD. It's known to be treatable, but treatment options are different than other mental illnesses. And please don't share that link. It is just doing more harm to people with BPD. I know because I witnessed first hand how hurt and hopeless my SO was on finding that subreddit. In the midst of trying to diagnose themself on the path to finding a working treatment, the found that subreddit (or a similar one) that told them they are monsters. I don't think its a helpful message to go out to the world. I understand it if people go on there to find support after a bad situation like yours happened to them. I don't blame you or anyone. But I implore you to find some compassion, not for the person you were with, but for those who you've never met, who haven't done anything wrong, and who still have the chance to have a good life. There is variety in people's conditions and personalities. I don't think it is fair to judge everyone just by their label. 2 more small things: 1. I couldn't care less if my SO found someone else local. In fact I hope they do, so the emotional burden can be spread out over more people. 2. The person you are asking to read "real life accounts" is married to someone with BPD, they are not just an academic. They know their stuff.
JimmyBuckets 2y ago
Me and my wife were long distance too, through the worst of it, and during covid (Brazil to Europe). There's certainly advice I can give , or at least experience I can share. It's a pity we can't message on this platform so if you want to send me an email to flatnailedfeatherlessbiped@proton.me, we can chat there
- partner_privacy 2y ago
  > It's a pity we can't message on this platform I was thinking the same in relation to your original comment. I'll send an email your way, thank you for sharing it.
tdeck 2y ago
> but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation. I have no special psychology experience but this feels like a red flag to me. Guilt is not a good foundation for building a lifelong relationship with someone. You deserve a partner that supports your needs as well. There are so many people out there with problems and there are ways you can help people without being their romantic partner if that's what you choose to do.
- partner_privacy 2y ago
  I appreciate your concern. I recognize it's not a great situation. However I'm not really sure it's helpful to put it in terms of flags. Maybe I'm missing your point. I'm not really trying to build a relationship out of guilt. I'm already in this relationship (whether romantic or other doesn't really matter). Also I don't understand this part: > There are so many people out there with problems and there are ways you can help people without being their romantic partner if that's what you choose to do. If you allow me to strawman you for a second, you are saying to cut contact with them and instead volunteer with a non-profit organization? I feel like I must have misunderstood you, so please correct me. For what it's worth, they do support my needs as well. No complaints there. They are actually amazingly considerate and supportive given their situation.

willcipriano 2y ago

I'm in the same situation. She refuses any treatment. I learned too late that mental illness may be a reason but it's never an excuse for behavior. Make sure you keep your cup (and your childrens if applicable) full before you do anything to fill hers. Otherwise you will wake up one day miserable, fat and poor.

MobileVet 2y ago
I am so sorry. I see you. My wife is bipolar, HSP, ADHD… it’s called severe mental illness for a reason. I was eating blue pills for 20 years. I finally took the red pill and realized it wasn’t going to change, we weren’t going to find a magic cocktail, she isn’t going to find stability. Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with no option c. It is miserable. The airlines have it right, ‘Put on your mask first.’ If you are hypoxic , you can’t help anyone. Care giving is all about self care.
- willcipriano 2y ago
  Lucky I only ate the blue pills for ten so I'm 35 and have a chance to turn my life around. The advice for men that you often see essentially boils down to, "work harder to make her happy" that doesn't work for mental illness, in my case it made her more entitled, adulterous and rude. I need to save up money to defend myself against her lies, document her mental illness so I can prove to the court she isn't a fit mother and get me and my kid out of here. It's a long road but I'll get there eventually. I hope you get there as well.