7 ms·

Caring for yourself while caring for others

287 points by squircle 2y ago

lemonberry 2y ago
This hits home. I've been taking care of my father for years. He has dementia, COPD, and a bunch of other issues. In a lot of ways it's like the pandemic never ended for us. I barely leave the house other than for trips to the grocery store and doctor's visits. It's brutal. Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both. Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health and taking care of my father. That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together. Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your late life care.
- theGnuMe 2y ago
  That does truly does suck. There may be some resources available from your local county under Medicaid/medicare, hopefully respite care and paid nursing if you can’t get your dad into assisted living or don’t want to do so.
- sharkweek 2y ago
  Thank you for sharing your story. It’s something I think about a lot as my parents/in-laws age (I’m 40 and parents all in their 70s in decent health but feels like a matter of time… already a few cancer scares). I’m curious if you work with a therapist at all. Seems like a lot of what you mention struggling with, it could be helpful to have that weekly neutral observer to talk to. Sidebar: great advice on planning for my own late life care. The analogy I always hear is “put your own mask on first” when it comes to financial planning. Paying for college / weddings / down payments on houses for the kids would be great, but far more important to make sure financial retirement goals are being met for myself first.
- brunojppb 2y ago
  Thanks for sharing this. I used to care for my grandma back home (Alzheimer’s), but the financial burden is brutal. I moved countries so I could be able to afford caring for her but ended up leaving the large part of the physical work for my mom and sister. Thankfully I can now afford to support her financially much more, including paying for a dedicated nursing home nearby my moms. I’m 35 now and keep wondering how future is gonna be as I have no kids and no desire in having them (also not wishing them a life where they would have to care for me) I’m trying to keep my health up now and dedicating more time for it so I can hopefully hold the fort. I wish you the best for you and your father.
- haliskerbas 2y ago
  Same here, I'm quite a bit younger but my living situation and finances are also determined by taking care of my elderly parents. It's a lot different culturally than my surrounding peers who either don't have parents as old or don't bother to care for them in the same way. It changes who I can spend time with and what I can do, and required me to grow up a lot faster than it seems like those around me. I didn't have the same amount inviting random people over, hosting house parties, or going out for drinks the same way, which I sometimes wish I got to do more of. But we play the cards we are dealt and try to do the most right for ourselves and the people around us I guess!
- fatnoah 2y ago
  Fellow man pushing 50 here. I'm caring for my mom who has COPD and is starting to show signs of dementia. She lives a couple hours away and I just started a job that's 3-4 hours in the opposite direction, so I'm balancing a long-distance weekly commute along with weekly trips to cook, clean, do shopping, etc. Due to how this eats up most of my free time, it's actually made me better at squeezing "self care" into my schedule since it's become clear that it's not something I can defer to later, since "later" may not come for several years. It's not at the same level as your dealing with, so I'm writing this mostly to offer support and to be glad that you've found some activities to help center you. I do encourage you to try to find some help, even if it's just for some small part of the care, like cleaning, shopping, bathing, whatever.
- ChrisMarshallNY 2y ago
  62, and caring for a couple of close family members with serious mental health issues. It’s a good thing that my “not drinking” (for 44 years) also gives me a seriously good support structure. I have a lot of engagement outside the house, but my family members almost never leave the house.
- rramadass 2y ago
  https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648
VWWHFSfQ 2y ago
> 4. Be gentle with yourself > It’s common to experience a wide range of emotions as a caregiver. You might feel frustrated, sad, resentful, joyful—all in the same day or even in the same hour! These feelings are a normal part of the caregiving experience, and it’s okay to express them. I think this one is the most important and it extends to everyone, not just people in a caregiving role. Be able to forgive yourself. Past mistakes, things you said, or did, or didn't do. All the the showerthoughts that make you cringe up. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive.
- olyjohn 2y ago
  It's especially true if you're taking care of a dying my family member. They will pass and then suddenly you have time to remember all the things you did wrong, or said out of exhaustion and frustration, and you won't be able to apologize. Truth is none of those things matter. What matters most is you did the best you can for them and that you were just there for them.
  - rramadass 2y ago
    > It's especially true if you're taking care of a dying my family member. They will pass and then suddenly you have time to remember all the things you did wrong, or said out of exhaustion and frustration, and you won't be able to apologize. This is so true that it can only be known by experience. And you will carry the mental burden (unavoidable) for the rest of your life, though with the passage of time it does get easier.
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]
ixtli 2y ago
I have been taking care of my partner suffering a chronic illness for 2-3 years now and it is phenomenal that this on the top of HN. I've had to figure out a lot of this for myself having made many mistakes and I still just learned about Respite Care. Thanks OP :)
techsolomon 2y ago
Thank you for posting this. <3
taylorbuley 2y ago
Taking care of yourself means authentic emotional expression and it's crucial to health, as it reduces this internalized stress, helping to maintain both mental and physical well-being. In The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté argues that suppressing emotions, particularly anger, can weaken the immune system and lead to chronic illness, including conditions like multiple sclerosis (MS). Maté explains that repressing anger -- e.g. due to societal or familial pressure to avoid conflict or "be nice" -- creates internal stress, which over time harms the body’s immune response. This chronic stress actually triggers autoimmune disorders, as the immune system starts to attack the body itself.
- theGnuMe 2y ago
  Dr K covers this as well. He is amazing, as amazing as Dr Mate. He has a podcast and his YouTube videos on diary of a ceo are life changing. Also his book on gaming addiction is one of the best I’ve ever read. And it is not just about gaming addiction. It’s a user manual for your mind.
  - AnonHP 2y ago
    It would be helpful to others if “Dr K” was expanded and the podcast name, YouTube channel name and the title of the book are mentioned.
    - theGnuMe 2y ago
      https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg
throw18376 2y ago
sometimes the obvious advice is the most important to hear. thanks for posting. unfortunately the nature of some health problems that require a caregiver, makes both the sufferer and caregiver into social pariahs. in that case asking for help is unlikely to work well. but even in such cases the other advice is very sound.
rectang 2y ago
There's another option: abandon your responsibilities. Modern capitalism demands that you spend your time competing, and lots of people are not able to keep up. Return to natural state of leaving behind the infirm to die.
- deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
- deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
neilv 2y ago
Not to diminish or confuse the challenges of caregiving, but most of this is also be generally good advice (if not complete) for someone burning themselves out at a very demanding job, startup, school, etc. Most of it is also good advice in general. Maybe something significant about saying it to a particular group like this is to both remind of general good advice, and to clarify that, even though it seems you're in an exceptional situation, the good advice still applies or may be more important now than baseline?
- taneq 2y ago
  Absolutely right, and I’d define that sort of job as a caregiving role as well. A team, organisation, charity or club can be a dependent and it can feel impossible to walk away if you’re deeply invested.
taneq 2y ago
I love the way “take a break” is presented as an available option. I guarantee that for many caregivers it’s absolutely not.
- rectang 2y ago
  I'm have relatives in the elder care industry and I've been a caregiver myself. This options presented here are laughable. Modern medicine has extended lifetimes so that people spend an extraordinary amount of their lives in a state where they are miserable and helpless. The less fortunate among us do not have the resources or the options to accommodate them and so spend years in desperation. The effect of this list is to inspire guilt and feed despair in people beyond the end of their rope: some you're somehow not making it work, while apparently others are. You must be a bad person.
- paulryanrogers 2y ago
  Surely further privatizing health and elder care is the answer! Our glorious president elect even leads by example, repeatedly recommending his nephew illegally euthanize a disabled son. If only we all had fathers like Trump Sr., to make us tough and hard men who will either 'succeed' (bankruptcy doesn't count!) or be driven to alcohol and suicide. Can't have that filthy socialist communism infecting the minds of the young! /s
- JonathanFly 2y ago
  >I love the way “take a break” is presented as an available option. I guarantee that for many caregivers it’s absolutely not. I had the same first reaction - why didn't I think of just taking a break or hiring help? It was right in front of me! But the article does lead with reminding people to simply ask friends or family for help and that is both easy to forget about and hard to do it even when you remember.
OldGuyInTheClub 2y ago
Good ideas but as with so many things, easier said than done.
dottjt 2y ago
My partner is undergoing chemo for stage 4 sarcoma and co-incidentally, my 13 month old happened to get sick on the day my partner started (around 2 weeks ago) Looking after a sick toddler by myself, whilst also trying to juggle WFH has been... I haven't felt this level of depression and hopeless since my early 20s. I've never been more overwhelmed in my life. Honestly, there is no coping mechanism in that scenario. You're being pulled from 20 different directions, the house is a mess, you're emotionally a wreck. It honestly feels impossible. Thankfully yesterday I was finally able to put her into daycare and the weight that was lifted from my shoulders was immense. I'm honestly worried for the future and I might just have to quit my job if it comes to it. But that's just life. I never knew it could be so brutal.
- tasuki 2y ago
  My partner died of cancer when our daughter was one and half years old. The year before that was a blur, I quit my job to focus on helping the two. Brutal is a good word to describe it. Hang in there! Your life might get better yet some time in the future...
- strix_varius 2y ago
  As a fellow 13-month-old parent, I'm so sorry for what life is throwing at you. Hang in there and feel absolutely no shame or guilt for letting anything go. If some responsibility has to get dropped on the floor, so be it.
- rramadass 2y ago
  It can be very difficult; but hang in there and do not be ashamed to ask for help from anybody/everybody. My experience/advice here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648
  - dottjt 2y ago
    Thank you, that was helpful.
cryptozeus 2y ago
Perfectly timed article ! I went through this last month, had a major panic attack and realized I had totally forgotten about myself. First thing I started doing was focus on physical health as that works faster and is easier to manage than mental health.
parpfish 2y ago
i wish there were more resources for caregivers tending to family with mental health issues. unlike a physical illness or disabilities where there are clearly defined caregiving tasks (e.g., helping with mobility, bathing, administering medication), it's primarily emotional/mental burden where you can't just ask a stranger to stop by and help out for a couple days (not to say that there isn't a mental/emotional burden with all forms of caregiving). couple that with the social stigma many people feel about mental health issues, you will most likely have to fulfill your caregiving role secretly in the privacy of your home so it isn't possible to find a community of other people in a similar situation. it's overwhelming and isolating. and when you do start looking for resources on how to take care of yourself or searching for some community where you could vent and feel understood... all you'll find are lists of tips for "here's how to help your loved one start therapy". i know they mean well, but it just reinforces the idea that you were wrong to have been thinking about your own needs and you really just need to be more selfless and more dedicated to supporting your loved ones.
- JimmyBuckets 2y ago
  I see you. My wife has bpd. It's such a hard condition to explain, and most people in my life (even my loved ones) are so far removed from the experience it sometimes feels like I am talking about my experience visiting another planet. And this is from people that love me and are trying to support. Couple that with the "top 10 tips" as you said and it's just soul-crushing. Thankfully I have finally found some people who are in similar situations and even the feeling of being seen brings so much relief.
  - partner_privacy 2y ago
    I'm in a long-distance[1] situationship[2], and my significant other has bpd (we believe) as well as other difficult co-morbidities. I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do? I'm trying to be caring, but also stay partially detached in case the worst happens. The election results are not helping. I may be oversharing, and I don't know if you have any advice to give. But I have not met anyone in a similar situation. I wouldn't even know where to find them, or if that would even help. [1] Started off in the same place, but we both had to move back to our home countries. [2] We are young and it doesn't seem right to plan our lives together so early. Especially since it would involve moving countries, potential career ramifications, a lot more caretaking, etc. We didn't start the relationship thinking we would be together as long, but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.
m463 2y ago
People in these situations should learn about codependency. Although most people think of codependency in terms of unhealthy love relationships, it is also common for caregivers. The idea is NOT that you should stop caring, or walk away. It is sort of adopting a "healthy neutrality" frame of mind, and give/function well.
- JimmyBuckets 2y ago
  "Codependent no more" - Melanie Beattie. Changed my life.
- rramadass 2y ago
  Good Point; Wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency The description talks about negative aspects but we need to understand the essence and apply it constructively to caregiving where both are codependent on each other though it is imbalanced. Codependency: Are You Caretaking or Caregiving? - https://www.simplypsychology.org/caretaking-vs-caregiving.html https://www.simplypsychology.org/caretaking-vs-caregiving.ht... Finally, note that there is always a overlap between caregiving and caretaking and things are never clearcut as the textbook definitions may imply.
gettingthrew 2y ago
I've been a caretaker off and on for about half a decade now. I also have chronic often debilitating illnesses. Sometimes we are both in inoperable states and it can be scary. My ability to work remote is probably the reason we aren't on disability or in the gutter. Not looking for pitty or kudos I work hard and pay the bills. I only want everyone to take a deep breath before they crap all over someone at work, or sniff at a resume. You never know what someone's situation is. Usually that's when someone has to leave to recover because corporate structure doesn't support disappearing for a week when PTO has run out.
dandigangi 2y ago
Always nice to see content like this come up. It's a struggle to do self care. Wrote something about this last week because I've been struggling for awhile too. https://www.dandigangi.com/blog/self-care-is-really-really-hard https://www.dandigangi.com/blog/self-care-is-really-really-h....
Baeocystin 2y ago
Speaking as someone who was the sole caregiver for both my parents, one of whom had a truly awful Alzheimer's journey, I find the bullet points in this listicle rather aggravating. Take time for yourself? Get help? Take a break? No shit. Now tell me how. If I had the money, resources, or available other people to help share the load, I wouldn't have been where I was. Most caregivers are in this situation because they're it, the last line of defense. The isolating, overbearing difficulty comes from knowing what you need, and not having the resources to get it. The article has real "Are you starving? Try eating food!" energy.
- rramadass 2y ago
  You are right of course. My journey - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648 These sort of situations are very difficult and what the Human psyche needs is reassurance that as Alexandre Dumas wrote in The Count of Monte Cristo all human wisdom is contained in these two words,—'Wait and Hope.' In that sense these articles do have some value.
paulryanrogers 2y ago
If that 20% does not include those raising kids, then it's crazy high. People should be free to live their own lives and make their own choices. And those with nurturing instincts should be well compensated to care for those we can't or won't tend to 24-7. No one should be alone with around the clock care of another human. Of course we should all pitch in with whatever capacities we do have. But it must not be all consuming. And not block off our own opportunities to a life of our own.
PlunderBunny 2y ago
When I watch my sister talking with my mum about health problems, I'm aware that - as a man (and a programmer) - I repeatedly fall into the trap of 'trying to find a solution'. So I humbly suggest to all the other men/programmers out there who are caring for someone else, always try first to acknowledge what someone is saying to you, rather than trying to jump straight to a solution, because the latter can sometimes appear to be ignoring that person's feelings or condition, or failing to acknowledge them.
rramadass 2y ago
I have personal experience with this and wrote about it here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39394432 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39394432 Others might also find it useful. I think of it as my "second career" and am now looking at what to do for the rest of my life as a "third career". As Humans with strong bonds to others it must be thought of as "Our Duty to Do" and in particular; Filial Duty is paramount (assuming "normal" Parents). Lessons learned and Advice; 1) It will be very difficult and exhausting both Mentally and Physically (we are designed to be selfish and altruism is hard). But you will have to develop "mental attitudes and physical behaviours" to cope with all circumstances and build up fortitude. 2) Techniques from Philosophy and Science should be employed to develop proper attitudes and behaviours. For example from Tibetan Buddhist "Mind Training" practices (Lojong - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong and Tonglen - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen) one can train in compassion and willingness to suffer for others so that we can always maintain a positive outlook (this is key). See the book Essential Mind Training: Tibetan Wisdom for Daily Life by Thupten Jinpa for some of the original Tibetan texts. You should also read the works of Stoics Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, Seneca and Cicero for developing mental strength. 3) On the physical side, set up your daily schedule around the patient's and do things together as much as possible eg. eating breakfast/etc. together, watching movies/just talking/going out/etc. together so that they never get a sense of being "alone and abandoned". Make sure to have a proper nutritious diet and take frequent naps/entertainment during downtime. You are not giving up "your wants" but merely re-scheduling it around "somebody else's needs". Do/Maintain proper Exercise (light and not too heavy) so that you are in good health and do not have to worry about yourself (this is key). 4) Time is finite and in order to do the above you will have to give up somethings you love and like to do. Be strict with yourself and give up all "your wants" which will hinder your duty and only add them in if you can make time for it without hurting the "patient's needs". Be clear in communicating your duties to others(friends etc.) so that they understand your situation and can maybe help as needed. You have to establish a new equilibrium with your environment. 5) Periodically you will fail in your caregiving and blame them/others (we are selfish animals after all) but that is ok as long as it does not become frequent and a pattern/habit. Catch yourself slipping on "your duty" and get back on track and show you mean it with extra care talk/action. Finally; always remember that nothing can overwhelm you unless and until you allow it to. Everything can be managed with knowledge, action and discipline.
pmarreck 2y ago
I have a 3.3 year old toddler who cannot sit still and I feel like I have zero time to myself anymore, we don't have familial assistance and my partner has a stressful job and frankly I can't remember the last time we were intimate, this is hard AF
QuinnHailey 2y ago
[flagged]

287 points by squircle 2y ago

This hits home. I've been taking care of my father for years. He has dementia, COPD, and a bunch of other issues. In a lot of ways it's like the pandemic never ended for us. I barely leave the house other than for trips to the grocery store and doctor's visits. It's brutal. Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both. Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health and taking care of my father. That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together. Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your late life care.

theGnuMe 2y ago
That does truly does suck. There may be some resources available from your local county under Medicaid/medicare, hopefully respite care and paid nursing if you can’t get your dad into assisted living or don’t want to do so.
sharkweek 2y ago
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s something I think about a lot as my parents/in-laws age (I’m 40 and parents all in their 70s in decent health but feels like a matter of time… already a few cancer scares). I’m curious if you work with a therapist at all. Seems like a lot of what you mention struggling with, it could be helpful to have that weekly neutral observer to talk to. Sidebar: great advice on planning for my own late life care. The analogy I always hear is “put your own mask on first” when it comes to financial planning. Paying for college / weddings / down payments on houses for the kids would be great, but far more important to make sure financial retirement goals are being met for myself first.
brunojppb 2y ago
Thanks for sharing this. I used to care for my grandma back home (Alzheimer’s), but the financial burden is brutal. I moved countries so I could be able to afford caring for her but ended up leaving the large part of the physical work for my mom and sister. Thankfully I can now afford to support her financially much more, including paying for a dedicated nursing home nearby my moms. I’m 35 now and keep wondering how future is gonna be as I have no kids and no desire in having them (also not wishing them a life where they would have to care for me) I’m trying to keep my health up now and dedicating more time for it so I can hopefully hold the fort. I wish you the best for you and your father.
haliskerbas 2y ago
Same here, I'm quite a bit younger but my living situation and finances are also determined by taking care of my elderly parents. It's a lot different culturally than my surrounding peers who either don't have parents as old or don't bother to care for them in the same way. It changes who I can spend time with and what I can do, and required me to grow up a lot faster than it seems like those around me. I didn't have the same amount inviting random people over, hosting house parties, or going out for drinks the same way, which I sometimes wish I got to do more of. But we play the cards we are dealt and try to do the most right for ourselves and the people around us I guess!
fatnoah 2y ago
Fellow man pushing 50 here. I'm caring for my mom who has COPD and is starting to show signs of dementia. She lives a couple hours away and I just started a job that's 3-4 hours in the opposite direction, so I'm balancing a long-distance weekly commute along with weekly trips to cook, clean, do shopping, etc. Due to how this eats up most of my free time, it's actually made me better at squeezing "self care" into my schedule since it's become clear that it's not something I can defer to later, since "later" may not come for several years. It's not at the same level as your dealing with, so I'm writing this mostly to offer support and to be glad that you've found some activities to help center you. I do encourage you to try to find some help, even if it's just for some small part of the care, like cleaning, shopping, bathing, whatever.
ChrisMarshallNY 2y ago
62, and caring for a couple of close family members with serious mental health issues. It’s a good thing that my “not drinking” (for 44 years) also gives me a seriously good support structure. I have a lot of engagement outside the house, but my family members almost never leave the house.
rramadass 2y ago
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648

VWWHFSfQ 2y ago

> 4. Be gentle with yourself > It’s common to experience a wide range of emotions as a caregiver. You might feel frustrated, sad, resentful, joyful—all in the same day or even in the same hour! These feelings are a normal part of the caregiving experience, and it’s okay to express them. I think this one is the most important and it extends to everyone, not just people in a caregiving role. Be able to forgive yourself. Past mistakes, things you said, or did, or didn't do. All the the showerthoughts that make you cringe up. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive.

olyjohn 2y ago
It's especially true if you're taking care of a dying my family member. They will pass and then suddenly you have time to remember all the things you did wrong, or said out of exhaustion and frustration, and you won't be able to apologize. Truth is none of those things matter. What matters most is you did the best you can for them and that you were just there for them.
- rramadass 2y ago
  > It's especially true if you're taking care of a dying my family member. They will pass and then suddenly you have time to remember all the things you did wrong, or said out of exhaustion and frustration, and you won't be able to apologize. This is so true that it can only be known by experience. And you will carry the mental burden (unavoidable) for the rest of your life, though with the passage of time it does get easier.

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]

ixtli 2y ago

I have been taking care of my partner suffering a chronic illness for 2-3 years now and it is phenomenal that this on the top of HN. I've had to figure out a lot of this for myself having made many mistakes and I still just learned about Respite Care. Thanks OP :)

techsolomon 2y ago

Thank you for posting this. <3

taylorbuley 2y ago

Taking care of yourself means authentic emotional expression and it's crucial to health, as it reduces this internalized stress, helping to maintain both mental and physical well-being. In The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté argues that suppressing emotions, particularly anger, can weaken the immune system and lead to chronic illness, including conditions like multiple sclerosis (MS). Maté explains that repressing anger -- e.g. due to societal or familial pressure to avoid conflict or "be nice" -- creates internal stress, which over time harms the body’s immune response. This chronic stress actually triggers autoimmune disorders, as the immune system starts to attack the body itself.

theGnuMe 2y ago
Dr K covers this as well. He is amazing, as amazing as Dr Mate. He has a podcast and his YouTube videos on diary of a ceo are life changing. Also his book on gaming addiction is one of the best I’ve ever read. And it is not just about gaming addiction. It’s a user manual for your mind.
- AnonHP 2y ago
  It would be helpful to others if “Dr K” was expanded and the podcast name, YouTube channel name and the title of the book are mentioned.
  - theGnuMe 2y ago
    https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg

throw18376 2y ago

sometimes the obvious advice is the most important to hear. thanks for posting. unfortunately the nature of some health problems that require a caregiver, makes both the sufferer and caregiver into social pariahs. in that case asking for help is unlikely to work well. but even in such cases the other advice is very sound.

rectang 2y ago

There's another option: abandon your responsibilities. Modern capitalism demands that you spend your time competing, and lots of people are not able to keep up. Return to natural state of leaving behind the infirm to die.

deleted 2y ago
[deleted]
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]

neilv 2y ago

Not to diminish or confuse the challenges of caregiving, but most of this is also be generally good advice (if not complete) for someone burning themselves out at a very demanding job, startup, school, etc. Most of it is also good advice in general. Maybe something significant about saying it to a particular group like this is to both remind of general good advice, and to clarify that, even though it seems you're in an exceptional situation, the good advice still applies or may be more important now than baseline?

taneq 2y ago
Absolutely right, and I’d define that sort of job as a caregiving role as well. A team, organisation, charity or club can be a dependent and it can feel impossible to walk away if you’re deeply invested.

taneq 2y ago

I love the way “take a break” is presented as an available option. I guarantee that for many caregivers it’s absolutely not.

rectang 2y ago
I'm have relatives in the elder care industry and I've been a caregiver myself. This options presented here are laughable. Modern medicine has extended lifetimes so that people spend an extraordinary amount of their lives in a state where they are miserable and helpless. The less fortunate among us do not have the resources or the options to accommodate them and so spend years in desperation. The effect of this list is to inspire guilt and feed despair in people beyond the end of their rope: some you're somehow not making it work, while apparently others are. You must be a bad person.
paulryanrogers 2y ago
Surely further privatizing health and elder care is the answer! Our glorious president elect even leads by example, repeatedly recommending his nephew illegally euthanize a disabled son. If only we all had fathers like Trump Sr., to make us tough and hard men who will either 'succeed' (bankruptcy doesn't count!) or be driven to alcohol and suicide. Can't have that filthy socialist communism infecting the minds of the young! /s
JonathanFly 2y ago
>I love the way “take a break” is presented as an available option. I guarantee that for many caregivers it’s absolutely not. I had the same first reaction - why didn't I think of just taking a break or hiring help? It was right in front of me! But the article does lead with reminding people to simply ask friends or family for help and that is both easy to forget about and hard to do it even when you remember.

OldGuyInTheClub 2y ago

Good ideas but as with so many things, easier said than done.

dottjt 2y ago

My partner is undergoing chemo for stage 4 sarcoma and co-incidentally, my 13 month old happened to get sick on the day my partner started (around 2 weeks ago) Looking after a sick toddler by myself, whilst also trying to juggle WFH has been... I haven't felt this level of depression and hopeless since my early 20s. I've never been more overwhelmed in my life. Honestly, there is no coping mechanism in that scenario. You're being pulled from 20 different directions, the house is a mess, you're emotionally a wreck. It honestly feels impossible. Thankfully yesterday I was finally able to put her into daycare and the weight that was lifted from my shoulders was immense. I'm honestly worried for the future and I might just have to quit my job if it comes to it. But that's just life. I never knew it could be so brutal.

tasuki 2y ago
My partner died of cancer when our daughter was one and half years old. The year before that was a blur, I quit my job to focus on helping the two. Brutal is a good word to describe it. Hang in there! Your life might get better yet some time in the future...
strix_varius 2y ago
As a fellow 13-month-old parent, I'm so sorry for what life is throwing at you. Hang in there and feel absolutely no shame or guilt for letting anything go. If some responsibility has to get dropped on the floor, so be it.
rramadass 2y ago
It can be very difficult; but hang in there and do not be ashamed to ask for help from anybody/everybody. My experience/advice here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648
- dottjt 2y ago
  Thank you, that was helpful.

cryptozeus 2y ago

Perfectly timed article ! I went through this last month, had a major panic attack and realized I had totally forgotten about myself. First thing I started doing was focus on physical health as that works faster and is easier to manage than mental health.

parpfish 2y ago

i wish there were more resources for caregivers tending to family with mental health issues. unlike a physical illness or disabilities where there are clearly defined caregiving tasks (e.g., helping with mobility, bathing, administering medication), it's primarily emotional/mental burden where you can't just ask a stranger to stop by and help out for a couple days (not to say that there isn't a mental/emotional burden with all forms of caregiving). couple that with the social stigma many people feel about mental health issues, you will most likely have to fulfill your caregiving role secretly in the privacy of your home so it isn't possible to find a community of other people in a similar situation. it's overwhelming and isolating. and when you do start looking for resources on how to take care of yourself or searching for some community where you could vent and feel understood... all you'll find are lists of tips for "here's how to help your loved one start therapy". i know they mean well, but it just reinforces the idea that you were wrong to have been thinking about your own needs and you really just need to be more selfless and more dedicated to supporting your loved ones.

JimmyBuckets 2y ago
I see you. My wife has bpd. It's such a hard condition to explain, and most people in my life (even my loved ones) are so far removed from the experience it sometimes feels like I am talking about my experience visiting another planet. And this is from people that love me and are trying to support. Couple that with the "top 10 tips" as you said and it's just soul-crushing. Thankfully I have finally found some people who are in similar situations and even the feeling of being seen brings so much relief.
- partner_privacy 2y ago
  I'm in a long-distance[1] situationship[2], and my significant other has bpd (we believe) as well as other difficult co-morbidities. I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do? I'm trying to be caring, but also stay partially detached in case the worst happens. The election results are not helping. I may be oversharing, and I don't know if you have any advice to give. But I have not met anyone in a similar situation. I wouldn't even know where to find them, or if that would even help. [1] Started off in the same place, but we both had to move back to our home countries. [2] We are young and it doesn't seem right to plan our lives together so early. Especially since it would involve moving countries, potential career ramifications, a lot more caretaking, etc. We didn't start the relationship thinking we would be together as long, but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.

m463 2y ago

People in these situations should learn about codependency. Although most people think of codependency in terms of unhealthy love relationships, it is also common for caregivers. The idea is NOT that you should stop caring, or walk away. It is sort of adopting a "healthy neutrality" frame of mind, and give/function well.

JimmyBuckets 2y ago
"Codependent no more" - Melanie Beattie. Changed my life.
rramadass 2y ago
Good Point; Wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency The description talks about negative aspects but we need to understand the essence and apply it constructively to caregiving where both are codependent on each other though it is imbalanced. Codependency: Are You Caretaking or Caregiving? - https://www.simplypsychology.org/caretaking-vs-caregiving.html https://www.simplypsychology.org/caretaking-vs-caregiving.ht... Finally, note that there is always a overlap between caregiving and caretaking and things are never clearcut as the textbook definitions may imply.

gettingthrew 2y ago

I've been a caretaker off and on for about half a decade now. I also have chronic often debilitating illnesses. Sometimes we are both in inoperable states and it can be scary. My ability to work remote is probably the reason we aren't on disability or in the gutter. Not looking for pitty or kudos I work hard and pay the bills. I only want everyone to take a deep breath before they crap all over someone at work, or sniff at a resume. You never know what someone's situation is. Usually that's when someone has to leave to recover because corporate structure doesn't support disappearing for a week when PTO has run out.

dandigangi 2y ago

Always nice to see content like this come up. It's a struggle to do self care. Wrote something about this last week because I've been struggling for awhile too. https://www.dandigangi.com/blog/self-care-is-really-really-hard https://www.dandigangi.com/blog/self-care-is-really-really-h....

Baeocystin 2y ago

Speaking as someone who was the sole caregiver for both my parents, one of whom had a truly awful Alzheimer's journey, I find the bullet points in this listicle rather aggravating. Take time for yourself? Get help? Take a break? No shit. Now tell me how. If I had the money, resources, or available other people to help share the load, I wouldn't have been where I was. Most caregivers are in this situation because they're it, the last line of defense. The isolating, overbearing difficulty comes from knowing what you need, and not having the resources to get it. The article has real "Are you starving? Try eating food!" energy.

rramadass 2y ago
You are right of course. My journey - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42072648 These sort of situations are very difficult and what the Human psyche needs is reassurance that as Alexandre Dumas wrote in The Count of Monte Cristo all human wisdom is contained in these two words,—'Wait and Hope.' In that sense these articles do have some value.

paulryanrogers 2y ago

If that 20% does not include those raising kids, then it's crazy high. People should be free to live their own lives and make their own choices. And those with nurturing instincts should be well compensated to care for those we can't or won't tend to 24-7. No one should be alone with around the clock care of another human. Of course we should all pitch in with whatever capacities we do have. But it must not be all consuming. And not block off our own opportunities to a life of our own.

PlunderBunny 2y ago

When I watch my sister talking with my mum about health problems, I'm aware that - as a man (and a programmer) - I repeatedly fall into the trap of 'trying to find a solution'. So I humbly suggest to all the other men/programmers out there who are caring for someone else, always try first to acknowledge what someone is saying to you, rather than trying to jump straight to a solution, because the latter can sometimes appear to be ignoring that person's feelings or condition, or failing to acknowledge them.

rramadass 2y ago

I have personal experience with this and wrote about it here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39394432 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39394432 Others might also find it useful. I think of it as my "second career" and am now looking at what to do for the rest of my life as a "third career". As Humans with strong bonds to others it must be thought of as "Our Duty to Do" and in particular; Filial Duty is paramount (assuming "normal" Parents). Lessons learned and Advice; 1) It will be very difficult and exhausting both Mentally and Physically (we are designed to be selfish and altruism is hard). But you will have to develop "mental attitudes and physical behaviours" to cope with all circumstances and build up fortitude. 2) Techniques from Philosophy and Science should be employed to develop proper attitudes and behaviours. For example from Tibetan Buddhist "Mind Training" practices (Lojong - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong and Tonglen - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen) one can train in compassion and willingness to suffer for others so that we can always maintain a positive outlook (this is key). See the book Essential Mind Training: Tibetan Wisdom for Daily Life by Thupten Jinpa for some of the original Tibetan texts. You should also read the works of Stoics Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, Seneca and Cicero for developing mental strength. 3) On the physical side, set up your daily schedule around the patient's and do things together as much as possible eg. eating breakfast/etc. together, watching movies/just talking/going out/etc. together so that they never get a sense of being "alone and abandoned". Make sure to have a proper nutritious diet and take frequent naps/entertainment during downtime. You are not giving up "your wants" but merely re-scheduling it around "somebody else's needs". Do/Maintain proper Exercise (light and not too heavy) so that you are in good health and do not have to worry about yourself (this is key). 4) Time is finite and in order to do the above you will have to give up somethings you love and like to do. Be strict with yourself and give up all "your wants" which will hinder your duty and only add them in if you can make time for it without hurting the "patient's needs". Be clear in communicating your duties to others(friends etc.) so that they understand your situation and can maybe help as needed. You have to establish a new equilibrium with your environment. 5) Periodically you will fail in your caregiving and blame them/others (we are selfish animals after all) but that is ok as long as it does not become frequent and a pattern/habit. Catch yourself slipping on "your duty" and get back on track and show you mean it with extra care talk/action. Finally; always remember that nothing can overwhelm you unless and until you allow it to. Everything can be managed with knowledge, action and discipline.

pmarreck 2y ago

I have a 3.3 year old toddler who cannot sit still and I feel like I have zero time to myself anymore, we don't have familial assistance and my partner has a stressful job and frankly I can't remember the last time we were intimate, this is hard AF

QuinnHailey 2y ago

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