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When my wife and I were dating, we came up with a simple rule: Whoever was driving would mentally pick a place and start driving there. The other - before gett

When my wife and I were dating, we came up with a simple rule: Whoever was driving would mentally pick a place and start driving there. The other - before getting to the parking lot - could pick anywhere else and that’s where we would go instead. We’ve been happily married 26 years now and still follow that same rule for choosing where to eat. ;-)

m463 2y ago
I'm curious how many ways both of you have gamed this system over the years. :)
- massung 2y ago
  Honestly, most of the "gaming" comes from (quoting from another response in the thread) decision fatigue. For example... My wife absolutely hates seafood. So, if I don't want to pick I just start heading in the direction of somewhere like Red Lobster and she'll always think of something else rapidly. She'll do the same to me with something like a vegetarian place. What's hilarious is when one of us starts heading somewhere we think the other won't like and they don't change it. We end up eating there and usually have a great time anyway. I've learned to like eggplant that way, and she's started growing more fond of Thai food.
  - prmoustache 2y ago
    I guess that stuff can probably only work in US of A. Wherever I am going, regardless of the transport method, there are multiple places where we could go in the same direction. You wouldn't be able to find out wherever one is going until the last minute or so.
    - gloflo 2y ago
      Could be a rural place anywhere in the world actually
    - tourmalinetaco 2y ago
      Not applicable to everywhere in the US, I live in a rural area with 3 population centers that are all roughly equal in distance and each has a variety of restaurants bundled closely, so any counter-ideas would have to come in early or risk wasting time and gas. Although, one could compromise by the driver picking the area and the passenger picking the restaurant once you’re there.
ants_everywhere 2y ago
It seems like the dominant strategy is to always be in the passenger seat and always pick your favorite place.
- airstrike 2y ago
  Only if you're solving to "win" every time, but in relationships you're often solving to also please the other person. Plus people get decision fatigue, so deferring to the other person can be doubly good... but not to the point where you don't care at all where to go, because you still have your standards and soft preferences and some places you'd like to veto entirely... which is why couples often get into this endless dance when deciding something for both. It's true also of deciding what to watch. I've spent 30+ minutes debating what to watch, only to realize we should be going to sleep in just another 15 mins so no we can't really watch anything anymore So over the years my strategy has morphed to making the decision and taking responsibility for making it an enjoyable experience for both
  - massung 2y ago
    > I've spent 30+ minutes debating what to watch... This is something I've personally wanted to dive into the psychology of more. Maybe it's just me, but I've noticed that - in the days of streaming and everything being on-demand - picking what to watch is actually very frustrating to me. Quite often, I'd much rather just browse "live" TV and stop on something I like. I'd never think to myself "I feel like watching The Goonies". But if I'm flipping channels and The Goonies happens to be on - 20 minutes into it - I'll stop there and absolutely enjoy watching the rest of it. I wonder why that is.
    - intended 2y ago
      Decision fatigue is part of it. There is probably some research that directly taps into it, I did come across and adjacent research paper - “ New contexts, old heuristics: How young people in India and the US trust online content in the age of generative AI” https://arxiv.org/pdf/2405.02522 https://arxiv.org/pdf/2405.02522 The indication is that people consume content online in different modes based on their objectives. Perhaps the mode of consumption for food decisions / streaming decisions is part of the category where we dont want to work very hard to get to an answer.
BeefWellington 2y ago
As a companion to this, my partner and I developed a rule that you can't say No to a suggestion without counter-suggesting. It prevents one person continually making suggestions and the other person rejecting everything and giving zero feedback. e.g. (bad): "How about pizza tonight?" "I don't feel like pizza." "Ok then, burritos?" "No." "Soup?" > Frustration vs (good): A: "How about pizza tonight?" B: "I'm not into pizza, but I could go for a burger." A: "I'm not feeling burgers, how about sushi?" > Continues until agreement
- deathgripsss 2y ago
  A good strategy that works for us is the first person picks 5 places to eat, the second person narrows it down to 3 of the 5 and the first person then decides out of the 3 the place to eat.
- jsomedon 2y ago
  That's really a good rule. It could apply to almost any aspect of life, not only just about what to eat.
zyklu5 2y ago
Maybe I am misinterpreting but this is a beautifully crafted bit of wry humour. :D
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]

m463 2y ago

I'm curious how many ways both of you have gamed this system over the years. :)

massung 2y ago
Honestly, most of the "gaming" comes from (quoting from another response in the thread) decision fatigue. For example... My wife absolutely hates seafood. So, if I don't want to pick I just start heading in the direction of somewhere like Red Lobster and she'll always think of something else rapidly. She'll do the same to me with something like a vegetarian place. What's hilarious is when one of us starts heading somewhere we think the other won't like and they don't change it. We end up eating there and usually have a great time anyway. I've learned to like eggplant that way, and she's started growing more fond of Thai food.
- prmoustache 2y ago
  I guess that stuff can probably only work in US of A. Wherever I am going, regardless of the transport method, there are multiple places where we could go in the same direction. You wouldn't be able to find out wherever one is going until the last minute or so.
  - gloflo 2y ago
    Could be a rural place anywhere in the world actually
  - tourmalinetaco 2y ago
    Not applicable to everywhere in the US, I live in a rural area with 3 population centers that are all roughly equal in distance and each has a variety of restaurants bundled closely, so any counter-ideas would have to come in early or risk wasting time and gas. Although, one could compromise by the driver picking the area and the passenger picking the restaurant once you’re there.

ants_everywhere 2y ago

It seems like the dominant strategy is to always be in the passenger seat and always pick your favorite place.

airstrike 2y ago
Only if you're solving to "win" every time, but in relationships you're often solving to also please the other person. Plus people get decision fatigue, so deferring to the other person can be doubly good... but not to the point where you don't care at all where to go, because you still have your standards and soft preferences and some places you'd like to veto entirely... which is why couples often get into this endless dance when deciding something for both. It's true also of deciding what to watch. I've spent 30+ minutes debating what to watch, only to realize we should be going to sleep in just another 15 mins so no we can't really watch anything anymore So over the years my strategy has morphed to making the decision and taking responsibility for making it an enjoyable experience for both
- massung 2y ago
  > I've spent 30+ minutes debating what to watch... This is something I've personally wanted to dive into the psychology of more. Maybe it's just me, but I've noticed that - in the days of streaming and everything being on-demand - picking what to watch is actually very frustrating to me. Quite often, I'd much rather just browse "live" TV and stop on something I like. I'd never think to myself "I feel like watching The Goonies". But if I'm flipping channels and The Goonies happens to be on - 20 minutes into it - I'll stop there and absolutely enjoy watching the rest of it. I wonder why that is.
  - intended 2y ago
    Decision fatigue is part of it. There is probably some research that directly taps into it, I did come across and adjacent research paper - “ New contexts, old heuristics: How young people in India and the US trust online content in the age of generative AI” https://arxiv.org/pdf/2405.02522 https://arxiv.org/pdf/2405.02522 The indication is that people consume content online in different modes based on their objectives. Perhaps the mode of consumption for food decisions / streaming decisions is part of the category where we dont want to work very hard to get to an answer.

BeefWellington 2y ago

As a companion to this, my partner and I developed a rule that you can't say No to a suggestion without counter-suggesting. It prevents one person continually making suggestions and the other person rejecting everything and giving zero feedback. e.g. (bad): "How about pizza tonight?" "I don't feel like pizza." "Ok then, burritos?" "No." "Soup?" > Frustration vs (good): A: "How about pizza tonight?" B: "I'm not into pizza, but I could go for a burger." A: "I'm not feeling burgers, how about sushi?" > Continues until agreement

deathgripsss 2y ago
A good strategy that works for us is the first person picks 5 places to eat, the second person narrows it down to 3 of the 5 and the first person then decides out of the 3 the place to eat.
jsomedon 2y ago
That's really a good rule. It could apply to almost any aspect of life, not only just about what to eat.

zyklu5 2y ago

Maybe I am misinterpreting but this is a beautifully crafted bit of wry humour. :D

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]