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There's a power differential when management suggests you do something. Even if they genuinely, 100% for real would not care if you didn't share, the power bala

There's a power differential when management suggests you do something. Even if they genuinely, 100% for real would not care if you didn't share, the power balance is still at play there, which makes it dicey regardless of anything else. I actually like my manager, he's a chill guy and I've had some deep talks with him a few times (after work hours!), but if he pulled a stunt like this during work hours I'd 100% tell him that it's a completely inappropriate thing to do. I know that he doesn't mean ill or harm by it, but how is the new hire who's anxious to be starting the job supposed to react to it? How can you expect them to say no without feeling like "not being a team player" or whatever other stupid cliche HR types like to use? > But if on most days we're spending most of our time with these people, what do we gain from automatically disqualifying them from human connection just because they work at the same place as us? Some people just don't care to make people from work anything more than an acquaintance. They have their own social lives which they invest infinitely more energy into than their work lives, and that's completely fine. I personally can't remember the last time I've spoken to any of my ex-colleagues after they or I left the job, I definitely wouldn't call any of them friends. I still hung out with them at the bar on Friday evenings after a tough sprint, we had a good working relationship, we just weren't friends. I have actual friends who I'd rather spend the time with for that.

progbits 2y ago
> Some people just don't care to make people from work anything more than an acquaintance. I've also been in a situation where I tried but realized behind the work persona they were assholes I would never be friends with. I've considered quiting at that point but decided to just not socialize with them. Work interactions are fine. It's a bit sad because in previous job I got along really well with most coworkers but such is life. I have enough friends and if it ever becomes a problem at work I'll just leave.
jarjoura 2y ago
The goal with any of these icebreakers is to encourage the team to be humble and approach work related problems in a thoughtful manner. It's easy for someone to assume you are asked to open up about non-work related stories, but it's never the intention. For example, talking about how your Aunt passing away being the reason you got into software engineering, is not really going to help the team in any meaningful way. However, it is quite valuable to share a story about how a coworker left you a huge unfinished project before abruptly going on vacation, and how you struggled to pick up the slack. You can use that story about the pain and frustration you felt and how you learned the value of having your work in a proper hand-off state when you eventually plan to take extended time away. Don't ever feel like you need to talk about your hobbies, or family, or even your love of cats or dogs. In time you will build your work friends and connect with people who share some your interests, but it will never be forced, and a few of them may become lifelong friends.
- kelnos 2y ago
  That's fair, but that's not how the author presented this request from their manager. Judging from the stories shared, people seemed to believe that they were being asked to share stories from their personal lives. It doesn't really matter what the manager intended; if they were primarily looking for vulnerable professional moments, they should have said so. And if they were indeed looking for personal stories, that's inappropriate.
  - jarjoura 2y ago
    Oh, I realize there's a misunderstanding somewhere, and likely the manager's fault more than anything. I imagine at some leadership training, they were probably encouraged to get their direct reports to open up and misunderstood the scope of that.

progbits 2y ago

> Some people just don't care to make people from work anything more than an acquaintance. I've also been in a situation where I tried but realized behind the work persona they were assholes I would never be friends with. I've considered quiting at that point but decided to just not socialize with them. Work interactions are fine. It's a bit sad because in previous job I got along really well with most coworkers but such is life. I have enough friends and if it ever becomes a problem at work I'll just leave.

jarjoura 2y ago

The goal with any of these icebreakers is to encourage the team to be humble and approach work related problems in a thoughtful manner. It's easy for someone to assume you are asked to open up about non-work related stories, but it's never the intention. For example, talking about how your Aunt passing away being the reason you got into software engineering, is not really going to help the team in any meaningful way. However, it is quite valuable to share a story about how a coworker left you a huge unfinished project before abruptly going on vacation, and how you struggled to pick up the slack. You can use that story about the pain and frustration you felt and how you learned the value of having your work in a proper hand-off state when you eventually plan to take extended time away. Don't ever feel like you need to talk about your hobbies, or family, or even your love of cats or dogs. In time you will build your work friends and connect with people who share some your interests, but it will never be forced, and a few of them may become lifelong friends.

kelnos 2y ago
That's fair, but that's not how the author presented this request from their manager. Judging from the stories shared, people seemed to believe that they were being asked to share stories from their personal lives. It doesn't really matter what the manager intended; if they were primarily looking for vulnerable professional moments, they should have said so. And if they were indeed looking for personal stories, that's inappropriate.
- jarjoura 2y ago
  Oh, I realize there's a misunderstanding somewhere, and likely the manager's fault more than anything. I imagine at some leadership training, they were probably encouraged to get their direct reports to open up and misunderstood the scope of that.