It's true you can't argue someone out of being upset, because his emotions are distinct from his understanding of the situation. But if his anger is fueled by h

It's true you can't argue someone out of being upset, because his emotions are distinct from his understanding of the situation. But if his anger is fueled by his view of the situation, changing his view will help him get his anger under control. You are right there is an emotional bonus when the anger feels justified, and you are right to be skeptical when I say that in a fight one of the things I'm going for is to feel stupid for being upset. I'm probably harder to convince I'm wrong when I'm angry, but still I know it's then that I need it most. The best outcome is when the problem simply disappears because I realize it was only in my head. I'm not saying I'm capable of pulling this off everytime I should. In the fight I mentioned, my friend was actually pointing out that I blew the thing out of proportion, and didn't bother convincing me about the details. I understand now that what you mean by losing a fight is admitting you were wrong. This is indeed embarassing, but it's also your victory over yourself. Your idea of arranging to lose a fight sounds dangerous. I once did that with a coworker. I admitted I was wrong just to end an argument. When the coworker later found out I didn't really believe I had been wrong, there was no longer enough trust to solve the problem in a discussion.