3 ms·

Terrible, self-indulgent page design. That aside, my parents are around 80 and while neither is showing signs of dementia, dad readily admits he's not as sharp

Terrible, self-indulgent page design. That aside, my parents are around 80 and while neither is showing signs of dementia, dad readily admits he's not as sharp as he used to be. Mom is in denial. For their ages, they're doing pretty well. As far as I know, neither has been victims of scams but it troubles me when I'm at their house and see things like "Congratulations! You just won $10,000" banner ads blinking on their monitors and tablets. Maybe I should set up some kind of network wide ad blocking for them but in general I try not to be intrusive on how they run their lives. I know the day will come when they're not able to and it worries me that my siblings and I might not see it before it's too late. Medical science has done many wonderful things for helping people live longer but it seems more common for our physical bodies to outlive our minds. In that period, there's lots of room for exploitation.

PlunderBunny 2y ago
I don't want this come across the wrong way, but have you tried talking to them about scams, or what they see in the banner ads? It might give you an idea of how credulous they are. My parents are in a similar age group, and I frequently share information about scams with them. I don't expect all the information to stick, but it just keeps re-enforcing the ideas of 'no free lunches', 'too good to be true', 'pressured to act quickly' etc.
saltcured 2y ago
Having seen both of my parents develop dementia at different rates, I'll say that yes it does sneak up. There wasn't a clear day where yesterday they were self-sufficient and now they are not. It is natural for the sufferer to develop coping mechanisms hide problems from themselves and others. The problems have to grow until the coping mechanisms start to collapse, and then suddenly they are much more evident. Another aspect is the child's denial. It is a significant shift in your worldview to see a parent go from being self-sufficient to dependent. To recognize the myriad day to day functions you took for granted that now require a caregiver's involvement. Also, the cognitive problems do not develop as a slow and continuous trend. There are different cycles overlaid with seasons, illnesses, and even time of day. So you see fluctuations in their capacity and returning moments of lucidity and function help sustain denial. I've heard it said, and I agree, the process of caring for someone with dementia includes a grieving process with all the complexities that ever has. You are watching many layers of the person die, sometimes over and over. At times you are faced with the living husk of the person you remember. Or worse, a strange subset of their prior personality traits and memories. It can take a crisis to force the issue, if families get stuck in denial. Sadly, this also makes later caregiver arrangements more difficult. As far as I can tell, the happiest dementia sufferers seem to be ones who were able to transition into a supportive care environment before they progressed too far, so they had the capacity to adapt and familiarize themselves to new routines. Those routines help them cope in later phases. Those who go down kicking and screaming may be stuck with a care environment that seems (to them) threatening and disorienting.
- ryandrake 2y ago
  Everyone really needs to have an up-to-date Power Of Attorney Directive and a trusted agent who can act on their behalf once they lose their cognitive ability and financial judgment.
  - saltcured 2y ago
    Yes, and also a medical advance directive in most jurisdictions where that is separate from a legal/financial POA.
rawgabbit 2y ago
This is from experience. You should take control of their banking accounts and home ownership now not later. Go to the bank with your parents and tell the bank you need to be added to their account. Talk with a lawyer or nonprofit and figure out how to add your name so your parents cannot literally sign their house away to a con artist.
fencepost 2y ago
If they aren't already using a password manager with an emergency access feature, get them set up with one. As an example, if you use Bitwarden then get a family plan and add them to it - that allows setting an emergency contact who can access or take over the account if needed. 1Password and other competitors should all also have this. The other thing you might do is have their banking and credit card accounts set up to email you transaction notifications - that's obviously more intrusive, but it should let you catch repeating suspicious transactions.

PlunderBunny 2y ago

I don't want this come across the wrong way, but have you tried talking to them about scams, or what they see in the banner ads? It might give you an idea of how credulous they are. My parents are in a similar age group, and I frequently share information about scams with them. I don't expect all the information to stick, but it just keeps re-enforcing the ideas of 'no free lunches', 'too good to be true', 'pressured to act quickly' etc.

saltcured 2y ago

Having seen both of my parents develop dementia at different rates, I'll say that yes it does sneak up. There wasn't a clear day where yesterday they were self-sufficient and now they are not. It is natural for the sufferer to develop coping mechanisms hide problems from themselves and others. The problems have to grow until the coping mechanisms start to collapse, and then suddenly they are much more evident. Another aspect is the child's denial. It is a significant shift in your worldview to see a parent go from being self-sufficient to dependent. To recognize the myriad day to day functions you took for granted that now require a caregiver's involvement. Also, the cognitive problems do not develop as a slow and continuous trend. There are different cycles overlaid with seasons, illnesses, and even time of day. So you see fluctuations in their capacity and returning moments of lucidity and function help sustain denial. I've heard it said, and I agree, the process of caring for someone with dementia includes a grieving process with all the complexities that ever has. You are watching many layers of the person die, sometimes over and over. At times you are faced with the living husk of the person you remember. Or worse, a strange subset of their prior personality traits and memories. It can take a crisis to force the issue, if families get stuck in denial. Sadly, this also makes later caregiver arrangements more difficult. As far as I can tell, the happiest dementia sufferers seem to be ones who were able to transition into a supportive care environment before they progressed too far, so they had the capacity to adapt and familiarize themselves to new routines. Those routines help them cope in later phases. Those who go down kicking and screaming may be stuck with a care environment that seems (to them) threatening and disorienting.

ryandrake 2y ago
Everyone really needs to have an up-to-date Power Of Attorney Directive and a trusted agent who can act on their behalf once they lose their cognitive ability and financial judgment.
- saltcured 2y ago
  Yes, and also a medical advance directive in most jurisdictions where that is separate from a legal/financial POA.

rawgabbit 2y ago

This is from experience. You should take control of their banking accounts and home ownership now not later. Go to the bank with your parents and tell the bank you need to be added to their account. Talk with a lawyer or nonprofit and figure out how to add your name so your parents cannot literally sign their house away to a con artist.

fencepost 2y ago

If they aren't already using a password manager with an emergency access feature, get them set up with one. As an example, if you use Bitwarden then get a family plan and add them to it - that allows setting an emergency contact who can access or take over the account if needed. 1Password and other competitors should all also have this. The other thing you might do is have their banking and credit card accounts set up to email you transaction notifications - that's obviously more intrusive, but it should let you catch repeating suspicious transactions.