4 ms·

That's as rigorous and detailed a flowchart for winning a domestic dispute that I've ever seen.

gruseom 18y ago
winning a domestic dispute That sounds like an oxymoron to me. The other person's "loss" will invariably feed back into the system.
- Maktab 18y ago
  I disagree with some of the suggestions in the essay, but I think your assumption here is a little unfair. You're right that serious domestic disputes never actually have a 'winner', in that their very existence is an indication of a breakdown in the relationship somewhere to the extent that emotions boiled up to the point of a verbal fight. Even if you win one of those arguments in the traditional sense, both sides still lose because of the breakdown in trust and the hurt experienced by the losing side. But Crichton seemed to understand that. His essay contains advice not on how to triumphantly win each and every fight as though you were in a high school debate, but rather on how to resolve domestic disputes without them turning into fights, how to limit the emotional damage fights can cause and, importantly, how to do all of that without being weak and merely acquiescing to the demands of your partner no matter what. As such, it's really better described as a guide to domestic dispute resolution.
  - gruseom 18y ago
    I was reacting to the vocabulary of "fighting", "winning" and "losing". What you're saying sounds more reasonable. Crichton seems to be trying to have it both ways.
    - Maktab 18y ago
      I agree, he is. The tone of the article is unsuited to its message, probably because he judged that a more sensationalist piece would attract more readers than a more insipid essay on the peaceful resolution of domestic disputes. So I'm not defending the way he wrote it. Just pointing out that beyond the tone and poorly-used words, the message is pretty solid and worth reading.
      - gruseom 18y ago
        On a completely unrelated note, I was browsing through your HN comment history, which is quite interesting, and am wondering: what sort of work do you do, and where?
        Maktab 18y ago
        My day job is as a Java developer at a retail chain-focused software firm in Johannesburg, South Africa. I'm 23, this is my first programming job. Before that I was a political analyst for a time, but quit that profession after I realised it wasn't really my passion. Not much to tell, really.
        gruseom 18y ago
        Well, that's interesting. It was harder than average to guess your background. In fact, I didn't guess it. Africa, politics, and programming is an unusual combination.
- time_management 18y ago
  It's not zero sum. You can both win, or both lose. Or she can win and you can lose, but only if she's not a very nice person (e.g. a controlling bitch). Or you can win and she can lose, but only if you're a controlling prick. You win if you can resolve the issue and make her feel better without making major loss to yourself or the relationship. Usually, this involves her winning, as well.
pasbesoin 18y ago
I first read it as "whining" and was intrigued/dismayed to consider such a flowchart dedicated to it.

winning a domestic dispute That sounds like an oxymoron to me. The other person's "loss" will invariably feed back into the system.

Maktab 18y ago
I disagree with some of the suggestions in the essay, but I think your assumption here is a little unfair. You're right that serious domestic disputes never actually have a 'winner', in that their very existence is an indication of a breakdown in the relationship somewhere to the extent that emotions boiled up to the point of a verbal fight. Even if you win one of those arguments in the traditional sense, both sides still lose because of the breakdown in trust and the hurt experienced by the losing side. But Crichton seemed to understand that. His essay contains advice not on how to triumphantly win each and every fight as though you were in a high school debate, but rather on how to resolve domestic disputes without them turning into fights, how to limit the emotional damage fights can cause and, importantly, how to do all of that without being weak and merely acquiescing to the demands of your partner no matter what. As such, it's really better described as a guide to domestic dispute resolution.
- gruseom 18y ago
  I was reacting to the vocabulary of "fighting", "winning" and "losing". What you're saying sounds more reasonable. Crichton seems to be trying to have it both ways.
  - Maktab 18y ago
    I agree, he is. The tone of the article is unsuited to its message, probably because he judged that a more sensationalist piece would attract more readers than a more insipid essay on the peaceful resolution of domestic disputes. So I'm not defending the way he wrote it. Just pointing out that beyond the tone and poorly-used words, the message is pretty solid and worth reading.
    - gruseom 18y ago
      On a completely unrelated note, I was browsing through your HN comment history, which is quite interesting, and am wondering: what sort of work do you do, and where?
      - Maktab 18y ago
        My day job is as a Java developer at a retail chain-focused software firm in Johannesburg, South Africa. I'm 23, this is my first programming job. Before that I was a political analyst for a time, but quit that profession after I realised it wasn't really my passion. Not much to tell, really.
        gruseom 18y ago
        Well, that's interesting. It was harder than average to guess your background. In fact, I didn't guess it. Africa, politics, and programming is an unusual combination.
time_management 18y ago
It's not zero sum. You can both win, or both lose. Or she can win and you can lose, but only if she's not a very nice person (e.g. a controlling bitch). Or you can win and she can lose, but only if you're a controlling prick. You win if you can resolve the issue and make her feel better without making major loss to yourself or the relationship. Usually, this involves her winning, as well.

pasbesoin 18y ago

I first read it as "whining" and was intrigued/dismayed to consider such a flowchart dedicated to it.