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I know this and I have learned more than enough about it to internalize it, but it just doesn't work. I can't find a way to stop the automatic jumping to conclu

I know this and I have learned more than enough about it to internalize it, but it just doesn't work. I can't find a way to stop the automatic jumping to conclusion and self blame. It takes hours to get over it and that's exhausting. I am trying for years to find a way out, but it just hasn't internalized yet

andruby 2y ago
Any tips for the person on the other side? I often mention something without implying blame (or even assuming blame), but it’s still processed that way. I’m trying to be conscious of this though.
- detourdog 2y ago
  If this is a consistent person in your life or a partner. The communication has to improve. Improving communication maybe impossible but I think it’s the only way.
- dailykoder 2y ago
  I don't think there is much you can do. Everyone has different trigger points and a different past. Personally I often feel misunderstood or not taken seriously. So from my point of view just be genuine, maybe paraphrase what you heard (just a tiny bit) and the usual "start with something positive first". The latter can be hard for me too though because then I might think "no they can't have such a positive view of me" - it's complicated and I even have a hard time explaining it. So no real tips, sorry. "we" just have to learn how to live with it ourselves
- lynx23 2y ago
  I have given up on people that can not process criticism. Its a vital aspect of working together, or even just living together. If everything I say is put on a scale, I simply dont interact with such people anymore. If you can't take criticism without the blame-game, you're not worth my time and effort.
  - fragmede 2y ago
    > If you can't take criticism without the blame-game, you're not worth my time and effort. QFT
    - willismichael 2y ago
      Quantum Fourier Transform?
      - lynx23 2y ago
        I had to Google as well. Quantenfeldtheorie is what came up for me, because Google insists it needs to show me german pages first... But I think what was actually ment is "Quoted For Truth"?
        fragmede 2y ago
        quoted for truth
- radlad 2y ago
  Hard to say exactly what you're dealing with, but you could take a look at Nonviolent Communication.
detourdog 2y ago
What one has to figure out is where this pattern developed (most likely childhood). Once I can internalize why my emotions develop I experience a distance from the current situation. The distance removes the emotional reaction leaving me with an intellectual understanding.
nicbou 2y ago
I have the same problem and I made a lot of progress this year and the last. A few things that help in no particular order: - Write things down. Over time you start noticing patterns that help you diagnose and fix the issue. I particularly love the post-mortem when returning from a house party, and how batshit itsane it reads 5 days later. I also have a play-by-play diary of me thinking I was misreading a person's intentions and agonising over every interaction. We've been together for a few years. It's fun to rewind the tape and laugh at your own irrationality. - Treat your overreaction to social cues as irrational, and deal with it accordingly. Every Spring, my body tells me that grass pollen will kill me (hay fever), but I just ignore that signal as irrational. I now handle my hasty conclusions the same way. - Indifference is the default. Most people won't be excited about you, but they're a very long way from disliking you. A lack of enthusiasm does not mean anything about you. - Talk to others about it. When I started talking about my insecurities to close friends, they told me just how wrong I was, with lots of backing evidence. They were genuinely surprised that I thought any of those things. It's a bit like how a friend of mine was super self-conscious about something on his face, and a year in, I had never even noticed it.
- grvdrm 2y ago
  > Treat your overreaction to social cues as irrational, and deal with it accordingly. This is so smart. Even broader, take your overreactions to most things as irrational. I am using this recently to rewire myself on all sorts of things and it's quite transformative.
  - nicbou 2y ago
    Journaling helps a lot with that because you catch yourself writing about the same emotions in the same contexts. The predictability of it makes it easier to process rationally.

andruby 2y ago

Any tips for the person on the other side? I often mention something without implying blame (or even assuming blame), but it’s still processed that way. I’m trying to be conscious of this though.

detourdog 2y ago
If this is a consistent person in your life or a partner. The communication has to improve. Improving communication maybe impossible but I think it’s the only way.
dailykoder 2y ago
I don't think there is much you can do. Everyone has different trigger points and a different past. Personally I often feel misunderstood or not taken seriously. So from my point of view just be genuine, maybe paraphrase what you heard (just a tiny bit) and the usual "start with something positive first". The latter can be hard for me too though because then I might think "no they can't have such a positive view of me" - it's complicated and I even have a hard time explaining it. So no real tips, sorry. "we" just have to learn how to live with it ourselves
lynx23 2y ago
I have given up on people that can not process criticism. Its a vital aspect of working together, or even just living together. If everything I say is put on a scale, I simply dont interact with such people anymore. If you can't take criticism without the blame-game, you're not worth my time and effort.
- fragmede 2y ago
  > If you can't take criticism without the blame-game, you're not worth my time and effort. QFT
  - willismichael 2y ago
    Quantum Fourier Transform?
    - lynx23 2y ago
      I had to Google as well. Quantenfeldtheorie is what came up for me, because Google insists it needs to show me german pages first... But I think what was actually ment is "Quoted For Truth"?
      - fragmede 2y ago
        quoted for truth
radlad 2y ago
Hard to say exactly what you're dealing with, but you could take a look at Nonviolent Communication.

detourdog 2y ago

What one has to figure out is where this pattern developed (most likely childhood). Once I can internalize why my emotions develop I experience a distance from the current situation. The distance removes the emotional reaction leaving me with an intellectual understanding.

nicbou 2y ago

I have the same problem and I made a lot of progress this year and the last. A few things that help in no particular order: - Write things down. Over time you start noticing patterns that help you diagnose and fix the issue. I particularly love the post-mortem when returning from a house party, and how batshit itsane it reads 5 days later. I also have a play-by-play diary of me thinking I was misreading a person's intentions and agonising over every interaction. We've been together for a few years. It's fun to rewind the tape and laugh at your own irrationality. - Treat your overreaction to social cues as irrational, and deal with it accordingly. Every Spring, my body tells me that grass pollen will kill me (hay fever), but I just ignore that signal as irrational. I now handle my hasty conclusions the same way. - Indifference is the default. Most people won't be excited about you, but they're a very long way from disliking you. A lack of enthusiasm does not mean anything about you. - Talk to others about it. When I started talking about my insecurities to close friends, they told me just how wrong I was, with lots of backing evidence. They were genuinely surprised that I thought any of those things. It's a bit like how a friend of mine was super self-conscious about something on his face, and a year in, I had never even noticed it.

grvdrm 2y ago
> Treat your overreaction to social cues as irrational, and deal with it accordingly. This is so smart. Even broader, take your overreactions to most things as irrational. I am using this recently to rewire myself on all sorts of things and it's quite transformative.
- nicbou 2y ago
  Journaling helps a lot with that because you catch yourself writing about the same emotions in the same contexts. The predictability of it makes it easier to process rationally.