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While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsustainable. Can we really expect people to be constantly "on" and aware of their emotional impact on others?

theultdev 2y ago
It's less emotional labor and less exhausting the more you are aware of your emotions. You can recognize the stimuli and rationalize it before becoming upset. The more you do it, the easier it becomes and the less stressed you become.
- deisteve 2y ago
  totally understand where you're coming from, but I think there's a difference between being aware of your emotions and trying to suppress or fake them. The article isn't suggesting that we should be constantly 'on' and pretending to be someone we're not. Rather, it's about developing self-awareness and learning to manage our emotions in a way that's authentic and sustainable. Recognizing the stimuli that trigger our emotions is a great first step, but it's not just about rationalizing it away. It's about understanding what's driving our emotions and learning to respond in a way that's healthy and constructive. This takes practice, patience tho
  - theultdev 2y ago
    I didn't say suppress or fake your emotions, I said to rationalize them. If they are irrational you prevent the emotional knee-jerk response in the first place. If they are rational then you know the root cause to work through so you can fix the issue. For those rational emotional responses, recognizing the stimuli can still be helpful. It's still stressing, but you know the exact problem and can work to resolve it, the opposite of suppressing it.
    - deisteve 2y ago
      you're advocating for a proactive approach to emotions, where we acknowledge and rationalize them to prevent irrational responses, while still allowing ourselves to feel and work through rational emotions. This approach seems to strike a balance between emotional awareness and emotional regulation. I think this is a great way to approach emotions, and it's refreshing to see a nuanced discussion about emotional intelligence.
      - theultdev 2y ago
        Thank you, these are things I developed to manage my emotions and it's the first time to put them in words, I tried my best to serialize it. The cool thing is, if you do this enough, you can always recognize the stimuli. There's one exception, hormonal imbalance (bipolar, seasonal depression, etc.), because there is no stimuli. But once you realize there is no external stimuli, you know it's hormonal. It is then classified as a irrational reaction. The difference of an internal irrational reaction is it takes more investigation and sometimes a few emotional knee-jerk reactions slip through before the hormonal cause is detected. Also the irrational brain can misattribute the imbalance and attribute it to an external stimuli, but you can immediately correct it with evaluation and communication if the misattributed stimuli is a person. (ask for clarification, if it's not what you assumed, apologize after snapping and solve the conflict immediately). My wife and I can tell when she's nearing her time of the month because it effects both of us. The hormone change unbalances us a week or so before sometimes causing fatigue or snippiness. It's nice to recognize it as to not contribute it the fatigue to burnout or take the snapping to heart. We just overcompensate in communication and directly ask what the other person meant to not take something the wrong way once we recognize we're in this temporary state.
    - darby_nine 2y ago
      I don't see how recognizing an emotion as irrational gives you certainty of calming it. Generally speaking, emotions don't arise from a conveniently rational level of consciousness. If they did they would be referred to with terms ofther than "emotion".
      - 2y ago
Suppafly 2y ago
I think you can consciously learn a skill by practicing it enough. You can choose to project positivity and like most things in life, fake it until you make it. >feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsustainable There definitely some wisdom in knowing when to draw back for your own sanity.
- deisteve 2y ago
  On one hand, I completely agree that deliberate practice and intentional positivity can be powerful tools for growth and skill-building. The 'fake it till you make it' approach can be especially helpful for building confidence and momentum. I think the key is finding that balance between pushing ourselves to grow and being kind to ourselves when we need to rest. It's okay to take a step back, recharge, and prioritize our own well-being. In fact, that's often where the real growth happens - in the moments of quiet reflection and self-care.
  - jeffhuys 2y ago
    I don’t know why and I might be wrong, but (parts of) some of your comments read exactly like an LLM response, while other parts feel like you typing additional stuff “around” the response.
    - dr_dshiv 2y ago
      I got the same vibes, fwiw.
    - crashabr 2y ago
      If you check their other comments, it's clear that they're using an llm to respond.
sethammons 2y ago
> Can we really expect people to be constantly "on" and aware of their emotional impact on others? Of course we can and should. Emotional regulation is a sign of maturity and being an adult. Children should be practicing emotional control. Can you be mentally and emotionally wrung out and grace given for emotional outbursts? Sometimes. I also have punched a wall when I stubbed my toe. We should expect me to not lash out at the door and it can still be understandable why I did. I have also sat stewing in a mood and it affects those around me. I can fix my attitude or I can remove myself for a spell.
brigandish 2y ago
What is emotional labour?
- rocqua 2y ago
  The effort someone chooses to put in to manage and help the emotions of others. It ranges from listening to someone talk about their day to driving over at night to a friend who's upset, to organizing an entire intervention. It is often considered to fall more heavily on women. Notably, as work that often doesn't fully get redistributed when women enter the workforce, much like housekeeping often doesn't.
  - brigandish 2y ago
    Some emotions are tiring - anger, frustration, depression, anguish, to name a few. I can't think of any that involve supporting a colleague at work. I could certainly get tired of shenanigans at work, but that would be from frustration et al, but support? Like the other comment that's responded, I just don't see the link between the description for the term and the situations in either the blog or a workplace. I've certainly not noticed a difference in the level of emotional support given in the workplace by women either. Whose emotions are they managing? Men's?
  - lynx23 2y ago
    > It is often considered to fall more heavily on women. Citation needed.
    - joelfried 2y ago
      Here you go: https://www.simplypsychology.org/emotional-labor.html https://www.simplypsychology.org/emotional-labor.html > Hochschild (1983) suggested that jobs requiring more emotional labor are performed primarily by women. These jobs typically involve creating feelings of well-being or affirmation in others – responsibilities usually assigned to women. Hochschild, A. (1983). 1983 The managed heart. Berkeley: University of California Press.
bfung 2y ago
> I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Well, it’s like most things, it takes practice and time to be good at it if natural talent isn’t there. Sure, things out of our control can trigger emotions, but one incredible ability of humans is to rationalize those emotions and act in more constructive ways than to immediate react back. It can be quite liberating and fun to understand and process these things, much like understanding code and data structures in order to recombine them into things you want to achieve.
- grvdrm 2y ago
  Completely agree with you. I think (like you) it is about VERY deliberate action. My phrase: a conscious turn in the other direction. The more I practice changing or revamping my reactions/approaches to situations, the more those things improve. Not everyone will agree but IMO - the skeptic is simply not that willing to try. That's ok. But it's the reality.
- theultdev 2y ago
  > It can be quite liberating and fun to understand and process these things, much like understanding code and data structures in order to recombine them into things you want to achieve. This thread actually made me realize it's much easier to express this in code vs words since it deals with state and logic: https://gist.github.com/TheUltDev/fc8386e42205504c55d1cf21270e0506 https://gist.github.com/TheUltDev/fc8386e42205504c55d1cf2127... This is the my process of rationalization and resolution. The flow is the same for all scenarios, but I only coded logic for one scenario I described in another comment: Let's say someone close to you is unusually quiet and short with you. You irrationally think they are mad at you or ignoring you because they are being short. That makes you feel mad because you didn't do anything to them! Upon receiving the feeling you start rationalizing the response and realize that you have no evidence that they are mad at you and there are many times you don't want to talk. You then simply ask them if anything's wrong and they say they have a headache! Whew, it wasn't about you at all, it was just a headache! You then empathize with them and want to help so you ask if you can get them some advil and know not to be loud or talk too much until they start feeling better (acting normally)
FollowingTheDao 2y ago
"I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats." I agree. Try being thermostat to someone who is on meth or someone who is drunk.There are many reasons someone is raising he temperature in a room. Not to mention the fact that there might be a good reason some one is angry, like low wages, discrimination, or wage theft. And you coming in being a thermostat is just prolonging everyone's nightmare. I will tell you, when I saw people doing that BS to me I knew right away they were trying to manipulate me. We all have the right to be angry and you do not have the right to use neurological tricks to manipulate people because you are uncomfortable with "weird vibes".
- erinaceousjones 2y ago
  > there might be a good reason some one is angry Yes! And sometimes it benefits you both to _lean in to that_! Perhaps you feel the same way! So "choosing to be a thermostat" does not need to be a choice you make in every situation or no situation. It's very dependent on context. Sometimes I WANT people to match my energy, it's affirming or comforting. Sometimes I will benefit from either being the thermostat or the... thermostatted... I absolutely disagree that this is "manipulation tactics". I can see how the sausage is made and still appreciate how they're approaching the situation. It indicates to me that this person is interested in exploring and working on their own emotional intelligence, and are using things they've learned to help problem-solve. Regarding "weird vibe in room" - my take on the article is not that "being thermostat" is NOT a means to "remove vibe I don't like". "Weird vibe" is indicative that something is wrong and there could be a problem there worth challenging or solving. It doesn't have to come from a place of "toxic positivity" or self-centered "I only want good vibes" thinking. "Weird vibe" can still be there and I think part of growing emotional intelligence is learning you can only do so much and sometimes allowing "weird vibe" is healthy -- and learning to not let it affect you if it's not something you rationally are affected by (ie. someone else's mood due personal reasons). > Try being thermostat to someone who is on meth or someone who is drunk.There are many reasons someone is raising he temperature in a room. As a volunteer first aider who's done "night time economy" shifts alongside paramedics - this is absolutely something that is done and is quite helpful. There is a certain degree of patience and customer-service-voice that generally many intoxicated people are receptive to. Doing what you can to de-escalate and calm them down has better (generally, quicker) outcomes for their treatment. If you can calmly convince someone who has hoofed a dangerous amount of cocaine along with their 10 shots of vodka that night and has presented to you aggressive and frightened due to chest pains to sit down in the back of the ambulance, you don't have to deal with them aggressively flailing about the place whilst you hook them up to an ECG. Matching their energy and yelling at them is probably the last thing you wanna do there (even though they ARE fuckin' annoying... never let them know that, if you want to go home ~on time~ only an hour after your shift ends ;))
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]
downWidOutaFite 2y ago
I read this article as intended for an HR or management audience whose job is to always be the professional in the room since your voice is interpreted as the company's voice.
patrickmay 2y ago
> Can we really expect people to be constantly "on" and aware of their emotional impact on others? We can expect that of ourselves. It's a skill that can be learned and practiced. “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -- Viktor Frankl I've found that a meditation practice allows me to find that space more easily in real life situations. At the very least, you'll know when you're being "amygdala hijacked" (per the article).
- tyberns 2y ago
  I have never heard that quote before. Gonna tuck that away for future use because it serves as a great reminder that we are not powerless to our emotional response. Its the difference between a reaction and a reflex.

theultdev 2y ago

It's less emotional labor and less exhausting the more you are aware of your emotions. You can recognize the stimuli and rationalize it before becoming upset. The more you do it, the easier it becomes and the less stressed you become.

deisteve 2y ago
totally understand where you're coming from, but I think there's a difference between being aware of your emotions and trying to suppress or fake them. The article isn't suggesting that we should be constantly 'on' and pretending to be someone we're not. Rather, it's about developing self-awareness and learning to manage our emotions in a way that's authentic and sustainable. Recognizing the stimuli that trigger our emotions is a great first step, but it's not just about rationalizing it away. It's about understanding what's driving our emotions and learning to respond in a way that's healthy and constructive. This takes practice, patience tho
- theultdev 2y ago
  I didn't say suppress or fake your emotions, I said to rationalize them. If they are irrational you prevent the emotional knee-jerk response in the first place. If they are rational then you know the root cause to work through so you can fix the issue. For those rational emotional responses, recognizing the stimuli can still be helpful. It's still stressing, but you know the exact problem and can work to resolve it, the opposite of suppressing it.
  - deisteve 2y ago
    you're advocating for a proactive approach to emotions, where we acknowledge and rationalize them to prevent irrational responses, while still allowing ourselves to feel and work through rational emotions. This approach seems to strike a balance between emotional awareness and emotional regulation. I think this is a great way to approach emotions, and it's refreshing to see a nuanced discussion about emotional intelligence.
    - theultdev 2y ago
      Thank you, these are things I developed to manage my emotions and it's the first time to put them in words, I tried my best to serialize it. The cool thing is, if you do this enough, you can always recognize the stimuli. There's one exception, hormonal imbalance (bipolar, seasonal depression, etc.), because there is no stimuli. But once you realize there is no external stimuli, you know it's hormonal. It is then classified as a irrational reaction. The difference of an internal irrational reaction is it takes more investigation and sometimes a few emotional knee-jerk reactions slip through before the hormonal cause is detected. Also the irrational brain can misattribute the imbalance and attribute it to an external stimuli, but you can immediately correct it with evaluation and communication if the misattributed stimuli is a person. (ask for clarification, if it's not what you assumed, apologize after snapping and solve the conflict immediately). My wife and I can tell when she's nearing her time of the month because it effects both of us. The hormone change unbalances us a week or so before sometimes causing fatigue or snippiness. It's nice to recognize it as to not contribute it the fatigue to burnout or take the snapping to heart. We just overcompensate in communication and directly ask what the other person meant to not take something the wrong way once we recognize we're in this temporary state.
  - darby_nine 2y ago
    I don't see how recognizing an emotion as irrational gives you certainty of calming it. Generally speaking, emotions don't arise from a conveniently rational level of consciousness. If they did they would be referred to with terms ofther than "emotion".
    - 2y ago

Suppafly 2y ago

I think you can consciously learn a skill by practicing it enough. You can choose to project positivity and like most things in life, fake it until you make it. >feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsustainable There definitely some wisdom in knowing when to draw back for your own sanity.

deisteve 2y ago
On one hand, I completely agree that deliberate practice and intentional positivity can be powerful tools for growth and skill-building. The 'fake it till you make it' approach can be especially helpful for building confidence and momentum. I think the key is finding that balance between pushing ourselves to grow and being kind to ourselves when we need to rest. It's okay to take a step back, recharge, and prioritize our own well-being. In fact, that's often where the real growth happens - in the moments of quiet reflection and self-care.
- jeffhuys 2y ago
  I don’t know why and I might be wrong, but (parts of) some of your comments read exactly like an LLM response, while other parts feel like you typing additional stuff “around” the response.
  - dr_dshiv 2y ago
    I got the same vibes, fwiw.
  - crashabr 2y ago
    If you check their other comments, it's clear that they're using an llm to respond.

sethammons 2y ago

> Can we really expect people to be constantly "on" and aware of their emotional impact on others? Of course we can and should. Emotional regulation is a sign of maturity and being an adult. Children should be practicing emotional control. Can you be mentally and emotionally wrung out and grace given for emotional outbursts? Sometimes. I also have punched a wall when I stubbed my toe. We should expect me to not lash out at the door and it can still be understandable why I did. I have also sat stewing in a mood and it affects those around me. I can fix my attitude or I can remove myself for a spell.

brigandish 2y ago

What is emotional labour?

rocqua 2y ago
The effort someone chooses to put in to manage and help the emotions of others. It ranges from listening to someone talk about their day to driving over at night to a friend who's upset, to organizing an entire intervention. It is often considered to fall more heavily on women. Notably, as work that often doesn't fully get redistributed when women enter the workforce, much like housekeeping often doesn't.
- brigandish 2y ago
  Some emotions are tiring - anger, frustration, depression, anguish, to name a few. I can't think of any that involve supporting a colleague at work. I could certainly get tired of shenanigans at work, but that would be from frustration et al, but support? Like the other comment that's responded, I just don't see the link between the description for the term and the situations in either the blog or a workplace. I've certainly not noticed a difference in the level of emotional support given in the workplace by women either. Whose emotions are they managing? Men's?
- lynx23 2y ago
  > It is often considered to fall more heavily on women. Citation needed.
  - joelfried 2y ago
    Here you go: https://www.simplypsychology.org/emotional-labor.html https://www.simplypsychology.org/emotional-labor.html > Hochschild (1983) suggested that jobs requiring more emotional labor are performed primarily by women. These jobs typically involve creating feelings of well-being or affirmation in others – responsibilities usually assigned to women. Hochschild, A. (1983). 1983 The managed heart. Berkeley: University of California Press.

bfung 2y ago

> I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Well, it’s like most things, it takes practice and time to be good at it if natural talent isn’t there. Sure, things out of our control can trigger emotions, but one incredible ability of humans is to rationalize those emotions and act in more constructive ways than to immediate react back. It can be quite liberating and fun to understand and process these things, much like understanding code and data structures in order to recombine them into things you want to achieve.

grvdrm 2y ago
Completely agree with you. I think (like you) it is about VERY deliberate action. My phrase: a conscious turn in the other direction. The more I practice changing or revamping my reactions/approaches to situations, the more those things improve. Not everyone will agree but IMO - the skeptic is simply not that willing to try. That's ok. But it's the reality.
theultdev 2y ago
> It can be quite liberating and fun to understand and process these things, much like understanding code and data structures in order to recombine them into things you want to achieve. This thread actually made me realize it's much easier to express this in code vs words since it deals with state and logic: https://gist.github.com/TheUltDev/fc8386e42205504c55d1cf21270e0506 https://gist.github.com/TheUltDev/fc8386e42205504c55d1cf2127... This is the my process of rationalization and resolution. The flow is the same for all scenarios, but I only coded logic for one scenario I described in another comment: Let's say someone close to you is unusually quiet and short with you. You irrationally think they are mad at you or ignoring you because they are being short. That makes you feel mad because you didn't do anything to them! Upon receiving the feeling you start rationalizing the response and realize that you have no evidence that they are mad at you and there are many times you don't want to talk. You then simply ask them if anything's wrong and they say they have a headache! Whew, it wasn't about you at all, it was just a headache! You then empathize with them and want to help so you ask if you can get them some advil and know not to be loud or talk too much until they start feeling better (acting normally)

FollowingTheDao 2y ago

"I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats." I agree. Try being thermostat to someone who is on meth or someone who is drunk.There are many reasons someone is raising he temperature in a room. Not to mention the fact that there might be a good reason some one is angry, like low wages, discrimination, or wage theft. And you coming in being a thermostat is just prolonging everyone's nightmare. I will tell you, when I saw people doing that BS to me I knew right away they were trying to manipulate me. We all have the right to be angry and you do not have the right to use neurological tricks to manipulate people because you are uncomfortable with "weird vibes".

erinaceousjones 2y ago
> there might be a good reason some one is angry Yes! And sometimes it benefits you both to _lean in to that_! Perhaps you feel the same way! So "choosing to be a thermostat" does not need to be a choice you make in every situation or no situation. It's very dependent on context. Sometimes I WANT people to match my energy, it's affirming or comforting. Sometimes I will benefit from either being the thermostat or the... thermostatted... I absolutely disagree that this is "manipulation tactics". I can see how the sausage is made and still appreciate how they're approaching the situation. It indicates to me that this person is interested in exploring and working on their own emotional intelligence, and are using things they've learned to help problem-solve. Regarding "weird vibe in room" - my take on the article is not that "being thermostat" is NOT a means to "remove vibe I don't like". "Weird vibe" is indicative that something is wrong and there could be a problem there worth challenging or solving. It doesn't have to come from a place of "toxic positivity" or self-centered "I only want good vibes" thinking. "Weird vibe" can still be there and I think part of growing emotional intelligence is learning you can only do so much and sometimes allowing "weird vibe" is healthy -- and learning to not let it affect you if it's not something you rationally are affected by (ie. someone else's mood due personal reasons). > Try being thermostat to someone who is on meth or someone who is drunk.There are many reasons someone is raising he temperature in a room. As a volunteer first aider who's done "night time economy" shifts alongside paramedics - this is absolutely something that is done and is quite helpful. There is a certain degree of patience and customer-service-voice that generally many intoxicated people are receptive to. Doing what you can to de-escalate and calm them down has better (generally, quicker) outcomes for their treatment. If you can calmly convince someone who has hoofed a dangerous amount of cocaine along with their 10 shots of vodka that night and has presented to you aggressive and frightened due to chest pains to sit down in the back of the ambulance, you don't have to deal with them aggressively flailing about the place whilst you hook them up to an ECG. Matching their energy and yelling at them is probably the last thing you wanna do there (even though they ARE fuckin' annoying... never let them know that, if you want to go home ~on time~ only an hour after your shift ends ;))

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]

downWidOutaFite 2y ago

I read this article as intended for an HR or management audience whose job is to always be the professional in the room since your voice is interpreted as the company's voice.

patrickmay 2y ago

> Can we really expect people to be constantly "on" and aware of their emotional impact on others? We can expect that of ourselves. It's a skill that can be learned and practiced. “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -- Viktor Frankl I've found that a meditation practice allows me to find that space more easily in real life situations. At the very least, you'll know when you're being "amygdala hijacked" (per the article).

tyberns 2y ago
I have never heard that quote before. Gonna tuck that away for future use because it serves as a great reminder that we are not powerless to our emotional response. Its the difference between a reaction and a reflex.