This is vastly better. My next advice would be: * work on the copy with a native English speaker and, ideally, with someone like this: http://copyhackers.com/

This is vastly better. My next advice would be: * work on the copy with a native English speaker and, ideally, with someone like this: http://copyhackers.com/ http://copyhackers.com/ * revisit the name and add a logo Good luck.