You already are. Thank you for describing how these thoughts can pull you in the two directions and that you could prevent to let them tear you apart in the end

You already are. Thank you for describing how these thoughts can pull you in the two directions and that you could prevent to let them tear you apart in the end. I hope you found mentor(s) who you could reflect the path forward with without having to burn bridges. In fact a sequel how it turned out would be interesting.